Amusing fanfiction quotes

Demon Eyes Laharl · Jan 1, 2007

:mellow: I've been rereading my fanfics, and this one got to me earlier.

As the hydrofoil began to land in the water, Keitaros mind was still in conflict. His next mission will be given to him only if his contact, M.T. deems him worthy. But what does worthy actually mean? In his business, it means a lot of mind boggling stuff.

And boggling stuff was the correct term to use as he got of the plane as it stopped in a beach. Since he was the only one who boarded the hydrofoil, the one waiting was surely waiting only for him.

She was a very curvy. Her eyes were closed, and smiled serenely at him. She wore two piece swimsuit, and her brown hair flying with the wind. She carried a watermelon, wrapped in plastic, on her left hand, and waving at him with her right hand.

K2? Im M.T, she said.

Keitaro smirked a bit. I disagree I think youre well filled.

-Excerpts from K2: Leyline Flush

Zenithos · Jan 1, 2007

ôOk, homegirl, listen upà.ö Naru slammed her fists down on the counter.

The entire Gates of Hell went silent.

ôWhat?ö Naru asked, looking around.

The demon clerkÆs lips quivered. She blinkedà.before breaking into sobs and leaving her booth, wailing as she ran away.

ôWhat?ö Naru asked again.

ôWe donÆt tolerate racism in hell, miss Narusegawa.ö Toby explained, walking past.

ôà.This isnÆt hellà.this is Mad Townà.ö Naru shook her head in frustration. What on earth did she do to deserve this?

ôYou continually harass the living daylights out of your dorm manager, sending him into the upper stratosphere a few times daily, and never remembering to pay your rent on time.ö Toby answered.

ôOhàyeahàthatàö Naru sighed.

---------------------

ôIÆm so boredàö Sarah sighed, absentmindedly tapping on the television remote, browsing through the usual boring Monday afternoon programs.

ôWhy donÆt we play the Xbox?ö Suu asked, in a similarly bored manner.

ôNah, too bored. Besides, itÆs an international mourning day for B*ll G*t*s. NobodyÆs supposed to touch any Xboxes.ö Sarah said, sighing. ôNo Windows OSes are supposed to be operated either.ö

ôGood news for the Windows ME users. Which is why I switched to Mac and got myself a Playstation 2.ö Suu said. ôOh, note that the Microsoft Word spellchecker recognizes Xbox but not Playstation.ö

ôà.He deserves to go to hellà.ö Sarah said, switching to the news channel, namely CNN.

ôàSarah?ö

ôYeah?ö

ôIsnÆt thatà..a pandaà?ö

ôYeahà.itÆs a pandaàö

ôYOUR pandaà?ö

ôà..ö Sarah squinted at the screen. ôOMG! ItÆs m-m-myà.MY PANDA!ö

ôYour pandaÆs on CNNà.ö Suu, with her all-powerful talent of stating the obvious, smashed home the dread of realization into Sarah. Suu took the remote from Sarah and switched channels. ôàand on CNBCà.and on BBCà.and on Hallmarkà. DiscoveryàNational Geographicàö

Sarah screamed.

ôàDisney Channelà.Cartoon Networkà.ö Suu continued. ôTelletubby network? I didnÆt know they had a channelàbut, theyÆre saying hello to your butt, Sarah.ö

ôAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!ö

ôNow theyÆre giving it their æBig HugÆà.ö Suu continued her retarded commentary. Sarah continued to scream.

ôOhà.and now theyÆre announcing the girl behind not4chan.org.ö Suu added.

ôNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!ö Sarah screamed, throwing herself at the television. ôANYTHING BUT THAT!ö

ôHey, the Microsoft Word spellchecker recognizes not4chanàHey, it recognizes 4chan too. Does that mean anything?ö Suu asked.

ôIt just means B*ll G*t*s must really be in hell nowà.ö Sarah said weakly.

----------------------------

ôWowà.youÆve got a talent for this, you know that?ö The bartender said, wiping off a pool of blood from his bar, left behind by a number of necrophilic vampires while watching the small glowing orb showing Sarah screaming her head off.

ôThank you.ö Shinobu said. ôThoughàI donÆt know if thatÆs something to be happy about or not.ö

Behind them Loki had just joined Anubis and Hades in throwing popcorn at the plasma screen now showing Shinigami No Balad.

The creators of the Underground Comedy Movie, on the other hand, have shuffled off to an even darker corner of the bar and had started giggling madly to themselves.

And the band was still getting slaughtered for playing Backstreet Boys.

------------------------

ôà.Suuàö Sarah finally got up. ôWhat are they announcing now? The one behind the loli rage in Japan? The one who came up with the pedo bear?ö Sarah asked, dragging herself back onto the couch.

ôNoà.ö

ôThatÆs are a relief.ö

ôàthat already came on a few minutes ago.ö

Sarah fell back down on her face.

ôàNow itÆsà.ö Suu squinted at the screen. ôà.it-it canÆt beà.ö

ôà.the worldÆs supply of bananas has been completely and utterly eradicatedà.ö Sarah half asked herself. ôWowà.talk about MurphyÆs lawà.ö

ôNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!ö Suu screamed.

Quote from 'Half Way Across Hell And Turn Left'.

Rift120 · Jan 1, 2007

A oldie but a goodie quote.

Set to a scene of Akane cooking:

"THere is no Chicken Teriyaki, THERE IS ONLY ZUUL!!"
-Variyah Cycle or Nameless Sequal I forget which.

Damn I wish I hadn't lost my link to those two fics.... THey have so many quoteable scenes.

(My two perosnal favorites: The cute kitty cat clawing his way throught he airlock in Kodachi's sub, and Ukyo calling the prince who tried to force her ot be his bride for a date!)

Edit: Got one more:

>>>And then Lee darted behind Neji, and he folded his hands in the Tiger seal û and she was wondering why the hell Lee was using hand-seals, when he couldnÆt do any chakra-molding û and Gai-sensei had sucked in his breath sharply like someone getting punched in the gutà

ôKonoha Ultimate Taijutsu Technique: Thousand Years of Pain!ö

ôAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!ö

NejiÆs screams frightened all the wildlife in a three-mile radius.<<<

-Ultimate Taijutus Techinque By Cyber wold

THat scene pretty much sums up the one shot rather well actually.. and still makes me snicker everyt ime I even think of it...

Dark_Plague · Jan 3, 2007

From MidnightCereal's "Shinji Just Snaps and Totally Wales on Everything":

ôAsuka, Rei, suit up,ö Katsuragi ordered as she pried Dr. AkagiÆs fingers from AobaÆs windpipe. ôYou two are going Shinji huntinÆ.ö

ôBELAY THAT.ö

ôSir?ö The Major shot him an intensely puzzled look.

ôCommander?ö Ritsuko said.

ôGendo?ö Fuyutski managed.

ôNarf?ö said Aoba.

Did I stutter?

ôDr. Akagi, I assume that all civilians were sent to evacuation shelters before the field tests commenced?ö

ôYes sir. Of course, sir.ö

ôUnits-00 and 02 are not to engage Shinji. You are charged with finding a way to regain access to the control circuit of Unit-01Æs entry plug. I trust that this task is not above someone of your exceptional talents, doctor?ö

A little flattery to grease the wheels; Ritsuko validated him even as her green eyes betrayed disapproval. She knew what he knew. The city was replaceable. The Second Child and Rei were replaceable. Major Katsuragi, too. She was replaceable.

Unit-01 was not. Yui was not, and he would not risk her unnecessari-

BOOM.

It should have been just another explosion signifying the conflagration of yet another replaceable surface building. It wasnÆt.

Hyuga gasped. ôSIR! WE JUST LOST THE BASKIN ROBBINS ON IMAEDA AVENUE!ö

It was as if Central Dogma had been renovated as a mass grave.

Subtly, Fuyutski leaned towards his only superior officer. ôIkariàthatÆs thirty-one flavorsàwaffle conesàrainbow sprinklesàö

ôDid they have,ö Gendo paused, ôButter Pecan?ö

From the corner of IkariÆs eye, the old manÆs deathly-ill profile darkened as he slowly nodded.

ThatÆs it.

The Supreme Commander of Nerv rose from his Laz-E-Bastard. ôUnit-00 and Unit-02 will proceed to cage four. Once at the surface they will intercept the Third Child and initiate a Level-Three Old School Beatdown.ö

Mechatrill · Jan 9, 2007

A few scenes from Girl Days by Kenko.

Wow... Tha's a lot, and all from the same chapter too... (chapter 16 on ff.net)

drakensis · Jan 9, 2007

Some Choice!
ôThe rules to the kingÆs justice were elegant in their simplicity,ö Hiashi remarked. ôThe methods were repeated time and time again with no deviation, so there was never any chance of inequity. Look at the wall opposite the one our young visitor walked out from. You will see two massive stone doors placed side by side.ö He made a series of signals. Men ran to lit a number of fresh bundles of wood in metal braziers on either side of each door. ôThe doors are identical. Great pains were taken so that no sound could be heard behind themà no scents could give a hint of mysteries they hidà and no vibrations could be felt upon touching them.ö

ôThat doesnÆt sound so bad,ö Naruto said to the guard on his left. He then looked over at the man on his other side. ôI hope one of them is a bathroom. I have to take a wicked piss.ô His words carried throughout the large room, bringing about different reactions. Hinata blushed. Neji shook his head. Hanabi smiled.

ôA-h-e-màö Hiashi looked down at Naruto. The boy was certainly unique.

ôWell I do!ö Naruto glared at Hiashi again. ôIf youÆre going to kidnap someone, donÆt do it right after theyÆve had ten bowls of noodles and broth, and six cups of tea.ö He grumbled under his breath ôIÆd like to see you hold it this long

<hr>

"Okay, look. This is how we do it, Gaia's Protectors: First, you take a guy who is Kin. That means he's got wolf blood in him. Kin, uh... copulates with a werewolf or maybe even another kin, or even a regular human, and sometimes one of us is born. Then puberty happens, and we get acne, our voices crack, and then we turn into werewolves. In that order. But not all at once. That'd be embarassing."

<hr>
Mnemon Explains...
More Wyld Hunts than even I care to admit have ended badly when the newly-exalted child picks up, oh, I dunno, a shovel, declares "I am the Invincible Spear Princess", and proceeds to kill everyone. It's terribly humiliating when your own nephew is decapitated by a prancing thirteen year old with a garden implement.

<hr>
Burning Youth of Konoha
Nobegami rolled his eyes. It would be untrue to say that his old teacher hadn't changed since they parted ways after Nobegami was promoted - the mustache was an affront to all that was good in the world - but this, at least, he could deal with.

Rat, Horse, Bull. "Gai," he said seriously, forming several handseals. "The power of youth compels you."

"But..."

Monkey, Boar, Rabbit. "The power of youth compels you."

"The..."

Scissors, Rock, Paper, Bomb. "The power of YOUTH compels you."

"You are right, of course, my wise student!" Gai exclaimed, seizing the somewhat smaller shinobi in an enthusaistic bear hug. "We shall follow my great rival's plan." He began to rush off, then paused and released Nobegami before continuing.

Nobegami turned to see Kakashi staring at him with both eyes wide open, sharingan clearly visible in his left eye. "What?" he asked.

"Could you do that again," the jonin asked. "I didn't quite catch all the seals you used, but I'm ready now."

The chunin sighed and pulled several sheets of paper out of his vest, fanning them in one hand. "I'm not going to teach you it, sir."

"But it would be so useful," whined Kakashi.

"You'd use it all the time," Nobegami predicted reasonably, "and I think it destroys a few more brain cells everytime it's used. He's got few enough left as it is."

<hr>
Team Explosive Youth
"From now on," he said, "I will only allow you to communicate me in two ways: writing," he passed Naruto a notepad and pen, "and hand signals."

"But I don't know hand signals," Naruto protested.

Shikanenai put his little fingers into his ears. "I can't hear you," he said brightly.

Naruto scribbled on the note pad.

'DON'T KNOW HAND SIGNS!!'

"Well I guess this is your chance to learn," Shikanenai replied after reading the note.

<hr>
Team Seven: Substitute Shinobi
"Ohayo!" Kakashi said, poofing into existence on the bridge.

"Hope we didn't rush you," said one of the two genin waiting for him.

Hmmm, something wrong there, Kakashi thought. One, two... Neshan, Katsu... "Ara... where's Shikanenai?"

At that point he felt a hand latch onto his ankles and with a crash was dragged through the wooden decking to land on the water underneath. And since the water wasn't all that far below the bridge, promptly cracked his head on one of the support beams.

"I don't think the Groundhog Technique Decaptitation is supposed to be used like that," he told boy who melted out of the shadows under the bridge.

Shikanenai grunted something about lazy assholes deserving a bath and swung himself up through the new hole in the decking two seconds before the explosive tags in the water disrupted the water tension that Kakashi's chakra was latching onto.

~

Kakashi was still soaked as he made his way into the Hokage Tower. Several of the ninja he passed stifled laughter at the sight of his dripping silver hair. The previous 'brushhead' appearance now looked like more of a mophead.

Sandaime raised one grey eyebrow as the jounin entered the debriefing room. "What happened to you, Kakashi-kun?" he asked.

"Shikanenai-kun decided to practise a minor doton jutsu on the bridge," Kakashi said as drily as he could manage. "There's a sizeable hole in it, by the way."

"I can understand that might put you onto the water, Kakashi," Ebisu asked curiously, "But how did it put you into it? You were waterwalking almost before you could walk on dry land, the way I heard it."

"Shikanenai-kun also likes to play with explosive tags. I can't stand on the water when it's flying in all directions at once."

"I'm glad that you're finding your new team such a challenge to your abilities," the Hokage said with am almost straight face. "You always have the best stories out of the jounin-sensei."

~

There's a little bar not far from the Academy where the teachers gather when they need to let off a little steam. They can be surprisingly territorial about the bar as being their place. The owner doesn't mind - teachers are steady custom and reasonably unlikely to break the furniture. And very few ninja are willing to contest the teacher's dominance, since it was virtually certain that one of them will remember some blackmail-worthy anecdote about your Academy days.

Jounin-sensei are allowed in as honorary members. These days Kakashi hardly ever had to pay for his drinks when he dropped in there.

This wasn't just because Kurenai Yuuhi had offered a week of neck rubs to anyone who could find out what was under his mask, although hope sprang eternal among some of the younger teachers.

No, it was because after a couple of beers in that particular bar, Hatake Kakashi would spill all, proving that even he, the mighty Sharingan Kakashi, Copy-Ninja of Konoha, had trouble dealing with ninja brats.

It just gave the teachers a warm feeling.

~

Shikanenai hummed a happy tune as he leant on the rail that was all that stood between him and plunging headfirst into the Chuunin Exam's arena. Notionally he was supposed to be waiting for his match on a balcony set aside for contest. Like most rules he encountered, however, Shikanenai was treating that expectation as the merest of guidelines, easily set aside should the need arise.

A few yards along the rail stood Shikamaru, who, having lost his own preliminary match was in fact more or less where he should be - the three of them were standing between the rail and the rank of frontrow seats reserved for the genin who had failed to secure a place in the finals.

Three?

Yes, for between the two Nara boys stood another genin, this one not looking at all her usual meek self.

Hyuuga Hinata looked down at the arena where Neshan and Neji were about to engage in one of the spectacles of chakra-driven carnage that most of the audience had come to see.

Almost idly she tested the restraint of the dual shadow-binding that the two shinobi had laid upon her. Nope. She still couldn't move, although the black markings of Orochimaru's curse seal still rose and fell up and down her neck towards her pale face.

"If you let me go, I promise that I'll only maim him severely?" she offered grudgingly, eyes still fixed on her cousin.

"Is that a promise in the same sense of your promise to prevent either of us from ever siring another generation of the Nara clan if we didn't let you go an hour ago?" Shikanenai asked absently.

Hinata growled softly and from well behind her, Ino and Kiba cowered behind the mass of Chouji. Shikamaru was severely tempted to join them. Bloodline heiresses with cursed chakra-boosting seals were so troublesome...

<hr>
Here's Your Accordion
Once he turned of course, he saw me stood in the middle of the alley, left hand supporting right elbow, right hand cupping my chin in thought. ôSo,ö I told him. ôWhat brings a big strong... man, chasing after me down dark alleys? I know IÆm looking good, but thatÆs ridiculous.ö

He looked slightly stunned for a moment and then rallied his long abused social skills. ôI know what youÆre thinking.ö

ôOh, I really doubt that,ö I told him dryly. ôÆCuz if you did, youÆd probably be trying to hit me. Note that I didnÆt use the word æonÆ there.ö

ôDonÆt worry,ö he said. ôI donÆt bite.ö

ôCan we just get to the bit where you tell me what you want?ö

ôI want the same thing you do.ö

ôOh!ö I said perkily. ôI understand. I know this football player whoÆs gay û itÆs really not that uncommon these days... YouÆve got nothing to be ashamed of.ö

Angel blinks at me like cow blinks at an oncoming train. ôWhat?ö

ôItÆs okay, the jacket and the hair gel pretty much gave it away,ö I assure him. ôAlthough if youÆre like that, why are you following me around?ö

ôLike wha-ô His eyes widened in shock. ôI am not gay!ö

~

ôWell,ö Cordelia said, leaning back, ôI exhibit no surprise.ö This unfortunately took her eyes off Harmony just as the blonde saw me standing behind Cordelia û unfortunate for Queen C that is.

ôWhy was she...ö The boy saw me and hesitated ôKicked out?ö he finished after I smiled thinly at him.

Cordelia gave him a withering look and then caught HarmonyÆs warning gaze and turned to see me looking down on her. I smiled sweetly at the look of surprise that flickered across her face. ItÆs surprising how effective that trick can be, fortunately I was wearing sneakers, not BuffyÆs preferred heels. It would require a whole new level of stealth to creep up on someone wearing those monstrosities.

I waited as long as I dared for the moment to last and then reached over and scritched CordyÆs head, as I would a dog. ôYouÆd be cute if you werenÆt so boring,ö

<hr>
Trading Places
ôSo how long do you think this jutsu could last?ö Tsunade asked in an urgent tone.

ôWellö Ino hesitated ôIf it had been just my charka to power it, a day or less, but I think that Sound NinÆs charka got caught up aswell and he was a chunin soàmaybe three, four days?ö She finished quietly.

Tsunade relaxed, this wouldnÆt be so bad the situation would resolve itself and sheÆd have her twelve genin back in action and ready for the C rank missions that were piling up in no time.

ôExcept wait, NarutoÆs charka got caught up in it aswell and heÆs a bit of a stamina freak so that might add another few daysàI guessö

Tsunade had stiffened.

ôInoàto make this jutsu permanent what would you have to do?ö

Ino laughed nervously ôThere are seals, but I hadnÆt used any of them but with just the jutsu? On twelve people? Hokage-sama youÆd need more charka than a Hokage, maybe three Hokages charka. No human has that much power.ö

<hr>
Let's Do the Time Warp Again
Harry settled down and began to read, the first few pages were rather boring, giving an overview of the house structure. The next few hundred pages weren't so bad as they mainly covered with the formation of the castle and it was interesting to see what spells and wards were used int the construction. After that, after that it started to get weird.

"I never knew that Hogwarts a History had things like this," Harry turned the book sideways to get a better look at the centerfold. After several minutes of admiration, Harry turned to the next page. "How to drive any woman wild in bed?" Unable to turn away, Harry read that section, and the next, and the next.

By the end of the night, Harry's face was so red that it would have been hard to convince an outside observer that it could have ever been another shade.

"And this is Hermione's favorite book?" Harry turned the book sideways to admire another centerfold, "guess I don't know her as well as I thought I did . . . I wonder if Ron knows about this."

<hr>
Upon A Fiery Steed
Jacob raised the other brow. "Aldwin. This is no time to be overreacting-"

"Overreacting?" The Tok'ra's cheeks flushed mordant red. "Our sentries at the 'Gate were ambushed. The ring controls were overridden. The entire base was rendered unconscious." He stopped for a few, furious breaths. "And in the central bathing pools, someone decked one of our agents in obscene glitter, mixed depilatory and neon-blue dye with the hair rinses, and scrawled Kilroy was here!"

"Oh," Jacob said numbly. Yep. That was O'Neill, all right. "Is that all?"

"Is that all?" Aldwin reached out as if he wanted to strangle Jacob's image. And began listing, chapter and verse, exactly what someone had done to the Vorash base with tinsel, glue, firecrackers, popcorn, fifteen unopposed minutes, and a liberal use of imagination.

Jacob listened. And nodded. And kept a straight face.

For all of thirty seconds.

A mental snicker. Oh, stars. Oh, my....

"...'For a good time call Anise; she'll light your masochistic fire! Whips and chains optional.' All over Freya's walls! And then when Garshaw opened the storage cabinet for a towel, it set off a mousetrap which flung a marble which dropped into a vial which splashed onto the tinsel which hid a fuse which set off sparklers over the whole chamber! And Lyde! He was glued to the floor of the main hall, we had to cut him out of his clothes with a laser and - Jacob! This isn't funny!"

<hr>
A Year in the Life
ôAnd youÆre so much more advanced and superior?ö Xander snorted.

ôThe TokÆra are far beyond such a primitive society as yours.ö

ôHuh... really... and ya still canÆt come up with implants that donÆt look like floatation devices.ö

Sam squeaked. Janet nearly choked.

ôOoo, Xander, way to channel your inner bitch,ö Cordelia hooted.

<hr>
Flop, Flop and Fly
Now, being a genius and well-trained FBI agent, Itachi did what every sane man would do when some lunatic with possibly lethal weapons attacked them. He screamed like a girl and ran in the opposite direction, zigzagging between the trees to avoid the weapons thrown after him. If Misao had been there she would have insisted that he was doing his Jack Sparrow-impersonation again. Either way, he ended up hiding behind one of the animal-masked people û all who seemed thoroughly amused.

Fugaku, on the other hand, was far from amused. ôStop making a scene!ö he hissed.

ôItÆs your fault IÆm making a scene in the first place!ö Itachi protested as he peeked out form behind the man he was using as a humanoid shield.

ôExcuse me?ö

ôIf you hadnÆt suddenly gone all crazy on me and hadnÆt attacked me with sharp implements of possible doom, then I wouldnÆt have had the need to run away and hide, thusly we would have avoided making a scene. Ergo, itÆs your fault.ö The teen slowly came out from his hiding place and sketched a quick bow in thanks to his amused human shield, then turned back to his newly-discovered biological father. ôWhy the hell did you attack me anyway?ö

ôTo test your skills in taijutsu.ö Came the stoic reply, though Fugaku was frowning a lot more than usual.

ôWhat skills?ö

<hr>
Spying no Jutsu
Shizune put the almost-forgotten pot of coffee on the desk. ôSo, we need to send a spy to the hot springs. A ninja that can spy on kage-level women in the bath.ö

ôJiraiya already volunteered,ö Tsunande said sourly, ôbut the idea is not to unite them against the leaf.ö She grabbed the pot and refilled her cup.

~

ôAhh,ö Motoko said, sighing as she set the plant down by the riverbank, ôthat was a good exercise! I could really feel the burn.ö

ôMotoko-chan,ö Kurenai said, ôwhat burn? You can't actually feel the chakra in your body. Unless you begin to burn... out... your chakra circulatory system.ö Kurenai suddenly felt like she needed to sit down.

ôAh, so that's what that is!ö Motoko said cheerfully. ôI just know I have an easier time controlling the chakra during training, when I can feel the pain in my body!ö

Kurenai squeezed her eyes shut. ôMotoko-chan,ö Kurenai began, ôif you'd payed any attention at all in your Academy lectures, you'd know that 'burn' is the feeling of your chakra cooking your body. Too much and you could cripple yourself.ö

Motoko blinked. ôReally?ö She sat down, rather heavily. ôI guess it's a good thing I heal so well, then!ö

Kurenai nodded, slightly dumbstruck. This kid was nuts.

~

OMAKE
ôFor the next 72 hours,ö Itachi intoned, ôI will slap you with this trout.ö

<hr>
At the Hands of the Other
ôI will admit I never in my wildest dreams expected to see a sexual spell used in battle.ö

ôHey, I am a sixteen year old male. Hormones make me do crazy things.ö

ôYes, about thatà Must you torture my death eaters?ö

ôYou do it all the time.ö

ôBut I use spells! You use your blasted metamorph abilities to start a strip tease as a sexy young woman only to become Severus Snape as soon as you remove anything interesting. There are some things even I donÆt do! No one should be subjected to a naked Snape.ö

ôItÆs their own fault for looking. I am of the opinion that my psychological torture will stick with them far longer than your Crucio spell. IÆve suffered both, but IÆve never woke up screaming from a nightmare involving being Crucio-ed. Nightmares of a naked Snape howeverà Those will never go away.ö

<hr>
Harry Potter crack ficlets
Sasuke scowled, and interrupted her before she could babble more. "You know what snakes say?"

"... Yes?"

"Any snakes?"

"Yes, even magical snakes. ... Why?"

"There's a man, who I think speaks your language. He... said things to me. I want to know what they were." Sasuke looked away briefly, trying to remember the sounds, then started reproducing them to the best of his abilities.

"Well, you've got a bit of an accent, but so far it sounds like -- BLOODY HELL." Harry sputtered, turning a violent red.

Naruto leaned toward him, almost bouncing. "What? What? What did the old snake pervert say?"

"I am certainly NOT translating that!" Harry retorted, mortally embarrassed. "But, uhm. If he said -- I mean..." Naruto HAD called the guy the snake-pervert, though, and now Harry was uncomfortably aware of how appropriate and yet totally inadequate that was. "I would advise you to watch your rea-- YOUR BACK. Watch your back."

<hr>
No One Saw This Coming
Naruto shrugged. ôDidnÆt hear the name of the jutsu, but afterwards he did this lame laugh and screamed like a little girl, æNow you are cursed to suffer as no man has ever suffered before! The one closest to you will be the cause of your suffering, and it will last for three seasons and maybe a little more if youÆre unlucky! Ahahahaha!Æ and then some other shit, but after that he ran into an explosion note trap IÆd set up earlier and nothing happened, so I kind of forgot about it.ö

Now there were three people staring at him. By mutual (and silent) consensus it was Sakura as the closest who reached over and slapped Naruto upside the head. ôYou idiot, the jutsu that guy used on you must have made you pregnant! æNow you are cursed to suffer as no man has ever suffered before,Æ yeah, but that just means youÆre going to suffer like a woman!ö

<hr>
Accounting no Jutsu
What really got Hiashi's goat, though, was when he realized that his own Hyuuga House was witnessing the same sort of radical new efficiencies. He tracked it to his own daughter, Hinata, who was suddenly the overwhelmingly popular choice for Heir with the Elders (ôNot like the Head fights much anyways,ö one particularly venerable grandfather had remarked. ôBetter a Head that's good with moneyö).

That wasn't the infuriating part. The infuriating part was when Neji passingly remarked that Naruto had been coaching Hinata's accounting. The sudden financial windfall was just a side-effect of his oldest daughter trying to get the Fox to date her!

<hr>
Girl Days
Shampoo released her hold, and drew back. ôBut.. but... why Akane dressed like Ranma?ö

ôI ainÆt dressed like Ranma,ö replied Akane, with technical accuracy. Ranma wasnÆt dressed like this right now after all.

ôWhy Akane TALK like Ranma?ö demanded Shampoo.

ôAw, Shampoo, Ranma donÆt talk like I do.ö At the moment, this ALSO was factual.

ôBut... but...ö

ôRAMEN-GIRL GET AWAY FROM AIREN!ö

If the sight of Akane dressed like Ranma - and TALKING like Ranma - wasnÆt enough, the sight of Ranma dressed like herself and TALKING like herself was. Shampoo began to edge towards the door. (Not the one sheÆd just made - the real door. THATÆS how rattled she was.)

Ranma advanced, bonbori in hand. ôAkane RANMAÆS Airen, not ramen-girlÆs! Ramen-girl leave Akane alone!ö

Shampoo began to sweat. ôWhy... why Ranma dressed like... ô

ôRamen-girl leave Akane alone, or Ranma get very upset!ö

<hr>

Lesser Known Villages
"I am The Great Genius Ninja Souryuu Asuka Langely, from the Village of the Hidden Angel, and if any of you losers can't remember those names by the time this test is over, it'll be because you died before you got the chance to be defeated by me personally!"

<hr>
Heir to Empire
"You let my youma get away!" Ranma bit back sharply, then turned to her supposive daughter with an evil thought that made her smile. The smile wasn't a pleasant one. "You say you're engaged to this idiot?" Usagi nodded her head in slow shock. Something wasn't right hereà.

"Not anymore."

"WHAT!" The word came from every direction at once and the evil grin grew in intensity

"But you can't! He'sà I'mà! MOM!" The blonde wailed plaintively. Tuxedo Kamen simply blinked with confusion

Ranma Saotome savored the chaos of the moment. If they were going to saddle her with this queen thing and the mother bit, she was damn well going to have fun with it. "Nope. No way am I letting my daughter marry a Kuno."

<hr>
Gendo's Need
Sighing, he started the same speech his first lawyer had prepared for him. ôMy name is Shinji Ikari. Though I am ashamed to admit it, my father is Gendo Ikari. No, I cannot be named as a defendant in any lawsuit against him. No, I am not responsible if he had your parents killed, commit suicide, commit treason, slaughter your pets, blow up your city, smash you with giant robots, or anything and everything dealing with his usual cult activities. If you have any questions, please contact my lawyer at this number,ö finished the boy, writing the number on the board. ôThank you.ö

<hr>
Hate and a Stolen Dream
ôIf I hated you I wouldnÆt kill you. Instead I would leave Konoha in search of the Akatsuki. When I found them and Itachi with them, I would kill him. Then I would come back to Konoha. And IÆd be the one drenched in his blood and IÆd be the one holding his head and I would be the one laughing when you finally realize that everything youÆve done to achieve power,ö - the cursed seal, Orochimaru, the valley of the end û ôwas all for nothing.ö

Kakashi and Sakura sit in stunned silence while Sasuke somehow achieves a new level of paleness. Naruto rises, slowly and deliberately, from his seat between Sasuke and Sakura before looking Sasuke straight in the eye. The Uchiha resists the urge to activate the sharingan.

ôArenÆt you glad I donÆt hate you?ö

<hr>
Strange Mission
ôColonel OÆNeill, I am going to ask you this one more time. Did anything out the ordinary happen on that mission?ö

Jack was a surprised by the question. ôNothing Sir. Just like we reported in the briefing. We got to the planet. ItÆs not currently inhabited. Daniel found a couple of rocks. He said there was nothing special about them. It was a quiet mission Sir.ö

ôSon, do you realize what you just said?ö Hammond asked.

ôSir?ö

ôSG-1 went through the gate and nothing happened,ö Hammond said.

JackÆs eyes went wide as he suddenly realized what Hammond had said. He was out of his chair in a second and heading for the door. ôCARTER!ö

Shikaze · Jan 9, 2007

Could you give us, if not the link, at least the name of the fanfiction where those snippets come from ? The cursed-seal Hinata seems interesting.

drakensis · Jan 9, 2007

Shikaze said:

It's from an incomplete fic myself and a few others (Hi Griever! I know you're on this forum!) were/are writing: Team Seven: Substitute Shinobi

teko · Jan 9, 2007

ôSo how long do you think this jutsu could last?ö Tsunade asked in an urgent tone.

ôWellö Ino hesitated ôIf it had been just my charka to power it, a day or less, but I think that Sound NinÆs charka got caught up aswell and he was a chunin soàmaybe three, four days?ö She finished quietly.

Tsunade relaxed, this wouldnÆt be so bad the situation would resolve itself and sheÆd have her twelve genin back in action and ready for the C rank missions that were piling up in no time.

ôExcept wait, NarutoÆs charka got caught up in it aswell and heÆs a bit of a stamina freak so that might add another few daysàI guessö

Tsunade had stiffened.

ôInoàto make this jutsu permanent what would you have to do?ö

Ino laughed nervously ôThere are seals, but I hadnÆt used any of them but with just the jutsu? On twelve people? Hokage-sama youÆd need more charka than a Hokage, maybe three Hokages charka. No human has that much power.ö

Where was this from? I remember reading it a while back, but I can't remember where?!

Rift120 · Jan 9, 2007

drakensis said:

What really got Hiashi's goat, though, was when he realized that his own Hyuuga House was witnessing the same sort of radical new efficiencies. He tracked it to his own daughter, Hinata, who was suddenly the overwhelmingly popular choice for Heir with the Elders (ôNot like the Head fights much anyways,ö one particularly venerable grandfather had remarked. ôBetter a Head that's good with moneyö).

That wasn't the infuriating part. The infuriating part was when Neji passingly remarked that Naruto had been coaching Hinata's accounting. The sudden financial windfall was just a side-effect of his oldest daughter trying to get the Fox to date her!

THis is hte one I want to read, Link please?

Mechatrill · Jan 9, 2007

I'd suggest editing your post and put in actual links/titles after each snippet

rootathell · Jan 9, 2007

Rift120 said:

drakensis said:

THis is hte one I want to read, Link please?

that's from Accounting no Jutsu
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2803341/1/

bzzt3421 · Jan 11, 2007

From Fetish? What's A Fetish?

ô...Uh...I donÆt know what that is...ö

ô...YouÆre kidding me, right? Please tell me that was a joke.ö

ôNo...IÆm...pretty not joking. I mean...well, should I know what it is? If I donÆt, it canÆt be that important.ö

ôThat may very well have been the dumbest thing youÆve ever said. Naruto, how in the world can you not know what sex is?ö

ôWell, hell, I ask you a simple question, and you go and turn it into a confusing mess! Just tell me what it is so I can get it.ö

Hatake Kakashi was walking down the streets of Konoha with his student, even though he was feeling less and less like his student. Jiraiya had pretty much taken over. That was part of why he found it so hard to believe that Naruto didnÆt know what sex was. It looked like the unpleasant mission of teaching the blonde had fallen upon him, as he had no parents to do the dirty work. Ninjas didnÆt exactly get a sex ed class, either. Where would they put it? In-between assassination 101 and weapons training 224? ...Actually, weapons training could probably be implemented...

ôHey! Quit spacing out!ö Naruto shouted, punching Kakashi in the shoulder to get his attention back.

The copy ninja rubbed the spot on his arm, ôYou know, Naruto, when you asked me what Hinata might want from you for her birthday, and I said sex, it was mostly a joke. I thought you would get it, and weÆd just have a quick laugh.ö

ôSee? æMostlyÆ a joke. That means that you think a part of her does want me to give her sex. I mean, I donÆt want to get her a crappy present she doesnÆt want. SheÆs always so nice to everybody, so I should get her something really good!ö Naruto pumped a fist into the air, ôBesides, I bet Lee my gift would be better, so I need to give her the best thing I can think of!ö

ôWell, you would definitely win that bet if...ugh, wait! Naruto, no! I was just kidding, so let it go.ö At first, Kakashi thought that maybe he should be the one to tell Naruto about the birds and the bees. Now, he was having second thoughts. That sounded like more of a job for Iruka. Or even Jiraiya, as twisted as that might turn out. Hell, Anko would probably get the job done better than he had the mind to. Hm...having a woman teach him about sex just might be the way to go...

Shikamaru Nara spotted his two friends, and hurried up to them from behind only to hear Naruto say, ôIÆm never gonna leave you alone if you donÆt tell me where to get some sex!ö He quickly wheeled around, and made off in the opposite direction. That was a little too troublesome to become a part of.

ôOk, look. IÆll make a deal with you. Go and ask some other adults about it, and if you canÆt get a solid answer out of anyone, then IÆll fill you in...ö Kakashi groaned, rubbing the back of his neck.

ôWhy adults?ö

ôWell, because...itÆs part of the deal, thatÆs why. Now get out of here.ö

And Naruto was off to ask what sex was.

-

Question: What is sex? Answers received:

Old lady selling umbrellas on the street: ôSex is a dirty, dirty thing that you must never, ever do! YouÆll get diseases!ö

Information obtained: Sex is an activity, and will result in sickness.

Mr. Ichiraku: ôWhat? Is that why you keep coming here? Naruto, if you ever so much as touch Ayame, IÆll cut off your hands and any other appendages that may or may not have touched her! Do you understand?ö

Information obtained: Sex involves touching, and makes men very, very mad. It would appear to involve a girl, because Mr. Ichiraku didnÆt seem concerned for himself, at all.

Ayame, about five seconds later: ôHey, leave him alone! Naruto, sex is what a man and a woman do when they love each other. They...uh...well, they kind of...get naked and, uh...start bouncing around...do you understand? Oh, forget it, just get out of here before I get mad!ö

Information obtained: Sex definitely involves girls, possibly one girl and one boy at a time. You must be naked to do sex, it sounded. Then you bounce around, thus engaging in the sex. Love may have something to do with it, but that sounded like a joke. It seemed to make women mad, too.

Kurenai: ôSex is how women say sorry after making a mistake. Sex is also how men prove they are the weaker sex. Over and over again...ö She sighed, walking away while muttering to herself and shaking her head.

Information obtained: The sex is used as an apology, and makes women stronger than men. Over and over again.

Iruka: ôWhere the hell did that come from? Uh...well, you see...sex is a special thing that a man and a woman do when they are deep in love, and want to express their love for one another. Uh...you should probably get married before having sex, but you donÆt have to. Oh, also, make sure you wear protection, Naruto! ...Yeah, I know you have to be naked to do sex, but...did you just say ædo sexÆ?ö

Information obtained: You need to wear protective gear to do sex. How is that possible if you have to be naked, though? The sex sounds like a real confusing mess, so far.

Anko: ôHa, ha, you really want to know? How about you come home with me and IÆll show you?ö

Information obtained: DO NOT go to AnkoÆs house. SheÆll get naked and is hard to get away from. ...Chains and whips, apparently, play a role in the dangerous activity known as the sex.

Gai: ôSex is the most youthful of all youthful things! Youthful young girls are like beautiful lotus blossoms, and it is the job of youthful young men to un-blossom them! To spread the seeds of youth for the future generations to grow, and be even more youthful! It is a cycle, Naruto, a cycle of youth.ö

Information obtained: Gai either has some really good weed, or some really bad crack.

Tsunade: ôHa! Ha, ha, ha...That is probably the funniest thing I have ever heard! Ha, ha...Oh, God, my stomach, ow...ItÆs also kinda sad. YouÆre getting pretty old. Ask Shizune, sheÆll tell you.ö

Information obtained: ItÆs sad that I donÆt know what the sex is.

Shizune: ôWell, sex is how babies are made. Moms and dads, when they decide theyÆre ready, have sex so that the woman gets pregnant, and haves the baby nine months later. ...You donÆt know how to have sex? ...Uh...I have a...thing I need to go do. Right now, see ya!ö

Information obtained: Babies are made because of the sex. Not sure how that happens, but ok. Maybe itÆs one of the diseases that the old lady mentioned that causes women to get pregnant? That was a disease he seriously didnÆt want to get. The risk for men must be low, because he had never seen a pregnant man. Lastly, Shizune runs really, really fast.

Genma: ôHow Shizune vents. ...Dammit, forget I said that! No, really, forget about that, seriously! Here, money for lunch, my treat. Please, donÆt repeat that, ever!ö

Information obtained: The sex is used to vent. Also, it is a good way to get free things. Like lunch! Altering question to test this theory.

Question: How much does sex cost? Answer received:

Asuma: ôDepends on the girl. Some want a forty dollar date, others want a trip to some islands, or something. Thing is, sex never comes free. ThereÆs always some kind of strings attached to it, she always wants something. ThatÆs a pretty good question to be asking so young, kid, IÆm impressed.ö

Information obtained: Girls do the sex with people because they want something. I wonder if guys do that, too? Maybe I could do the sex with a girl so she buys me ramen... But how can you give the sex to someone for a present if they only do it with you if they want something from you? The sex is full of messed up logic. Well, that should be enough trying. Back to Kakashi-sensei...

-

ôWell? YouÆre all good now, right?ö Kakashi asked wearily, wondering exactly how Naruto had found him out in the training grounds, hiding up in one of the innumerable trees. Damn those ninja tracking skills, damn them to hell.

Naruto shook his head ænoÆ, drawing out a groan from Kakashi.

ôWell, what DID you learn?ö

ôOk, well, this is what IÆve got so far: Sex is an activity between a man and a woman, in which they get naked and bounce around the room together. You have to wear protective gear, or else youÆll get diseases and pregnant, but at the same time, you have to be naked. It makes guys and girls mad to talk about, and Anko is a scary, scary woman. DonÆt go to her house, seriously. Um...Oh, people use sex to get things they want, like ramen and money. Some people use sex to æventÆ, I guess because itÆs dangerous and takes their minds off of their problems. Oh, almost forgot: Women use sex to say æsorryÆ, but I donÆt know why. Last, if I ever need drugs for any reason, IÆll go find Gai,ö Naruto concluded, sitting beside his teacher up in the tree.

Letting out a sigh that was hidden under the onset of a gentle breeze, Kakashi mumbled, ôThe saddest part of that whole thing is that some of it was pretty accurate. You still donÆt know how to have sex, though?ö

Naruto shook his head, ôWhich means you have to tell me, now!ö

Kakashi nodded a little, reaching into his ninja gear bag and pulling out a tape, which he handed to Naruto, ôI figured it would come to this, so I was prepared. That will explain everything. ThatÆs all IÆm going to say.ö

ôæNight of the Ninja, the Second ComingÆ?ö Naruto read the title aloud, wondering why the box for it was completely black. No pictures or description or anything.

ôUh-huh. Now if youÆll excuse me, IÆve got a lot of avoiding you to do now, so IÆll be leaving,ö With those words, the copy ninja vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving Naruto alone to wonder what the tape held. The VCR in his apartment was waiting for him, and he had something to feed it.

Ahh, sweet ignorance, and how to crush it totally.

toraneko · Jan 11, 2007

Not a fanfic, but an accurate summation of Tsukihime events that was posted on 4chan's /a/. I thought it funny enough that it just had to be shared with TFF, but I couldn't think of where to put it and didn't want to start a whole new topic for it.

edit: Correction - mostly accurate.

Fatuous One · Jan 12, 2007

Hahaha... that summary is quite... amu- err, sad, yeah... Sad. *nods*

Grunt · Jan 12, 2007

Just remembered this. Can't believe I forgot it for so long.

Ranma Saotome Attorney at Law by BlackDragon

Next to the pool, Naruto snapped his fingers as he laid back in the lounge chair and then pointed to Sasuke, who was passing by. "Hey buddy, could you get me a pop please? Thanks!"
Sasuke's eye twitched as he stared at his fellow team member, who was chatting amiably with half a dozen impossibly busty Ninja girls ranging from Mai Shiranui to Taki to Kaede Nagase. "Get it yourself, dead last!"
Naruto rolled his eyes and shrugged. "That's angst-boy for ya. Always has to be a pill, just to stand out." Then he grinned and tickled the underside of Kasumi's breasts. "Though I DO have a habit of 'finishing last,' if you know what I mean."
Sasuke fought down the urge to vomit as the girls giggled and moved in closer and started to paw at him. "Stupid idiot, chatting away with those women like some sort of imbecile... what do they see in him?"
A boy softly cleared his throat behind him. "Why, are you lonely?"
Sasuke's eye twitched as he saw Heero Yui offering him a beer. "For the last time! I'M NOT GAY!!"

Demon Eyes Laharl · Jan 12, 2007

Grunt said:

HAHAHAHA!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Well, I was writing this, and I said... why not.

Two females emerged from the door, standing side by side, blocking the exit. One had long flowing black hair, and in the side of her face was a pair of tied hair strands. She had tanned skin, and rather odd brown eyes. Her clothes were tight fitting shirt and pants, and over her shirt was a holster. In her arms, she held two guns.

The other had short brown hair, wearing a hakama not unlike Motoko, but instead of red leggings, it was black. Her brown eyes stared towards the two men, and in her right hand, she had a nodachi.

Keitaro slowly backed away from the door, and slowly went towards Laharl’s side. The hybrid looked at both women, and then smiled a bit. “Hey Mana-san,” he said.

Keitaro blinked towards Laharl. He looked towards the girl the hybrid was looking at.

“Naruto-sensei,” she greeted with a small smile. “Or… should I call you Demon Eyes Laharl?”

“You know the woman?” Keitaro asked towards Laharl.

“She’s one of my students in Mahora,” Laharl replied, before looking back at his student.

“… student?” Keitaro smirked briefly. “She’s still in high school?”

“Women nowadays mature quite fast,” Laharl stated with his own smile.

“Ah… so, a trap, eh?” Keitaro asked.

“No, actually, it’s called bait. Trap refers to men who look like women…”

“No, I meant we’re trapped,” Keitaro cut him off.

“Oh… yes, quite,” Laharl replied. Stealing a glance at the other woman, and asked, “You are?”

“I’m not giving my name to a demon,” she declared.

“Ah… Shinmei Ryu mercenary,” Laharl nodded. Looking at Keitaro, he said, “They are stuck ups, so don’t worry too much about their manners.”

? ? -Excerpts from an incomplete chapter of K2: The Crimson Daylights

Jakkun · Jan 14, 2007

I really want some linkage for that fetish one where he's trying to figure out what sex is.

Clueless to a Fault by dave-d said:

First, Sai said to Naruto, holding up one finger. We should pick the best real estate in the club. He ignored Narutos This is not a club. Trust me, Ive been to enough of those with the old hermit. He maneuvered his noisier friend over to one particular spot. In business, there are three fundamentals: location, location, and location. The anecdotes of the author were rather illustrative. Numerous times he had viewed hot women in a bar from afar, but was stuck over at a table with his friends.

Stuck at the table? Ino frowned. She did not like the sound of that, even though in the back of her mind she knew Sai was merely being Sai. Just where was he going with all this?

Hot women? Hinata brought her hand to her mouth, looking over at the bar. There were a number of attractive older women there. Most of them dressing in a revealing manner that she wouldnt even dream about.

These women arent so hot, Naruto said unwisely. The stories I could tell you. He swallowed hard. Inos face was frightening for a moment, looking more like an Oni than a girl. He didnt have any problem with that. In contrast, the uncharacteristic look in Hinatas eyes had his knees shaking ever so slightly. He quickly shook his head when Sai asked if he wanted to teach the lesson.

I should continue, then. Sai adjusted his robes, ran a hand through his hair, and then surveyed his surroundings. You want to be mobile and ready to nonchalantly get near any woman who interests you. You will want a spot that offers good visibility and high traffic, so as to be able to interact with a sufficient number of people. It is useless to be holed up in a booth in the corner. In the pickup game, it's also good to have an excuse for being where you are. That could mean being in line for drinks at the bar or waiting to get into restroom so you do not look like a stalker. He cocked his head again, wondering why Ino was growing red in the face and clenching her fists. Perhaps she already knew all this.

Pick-up game. Ino was just about to grab Sai by the arm and tug him away.

As I mentioned before, being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. You should learn the difference. Sai wondered why Hinata suddenly developed a keen interest in her own shoes. Consider yourself to be a businessman. You are in the picking-up business. It is wise to adjust your location constantly, taking advantage of the traffic patterns, and maintaining a good line of sight. He took a few steps closer to the bar, following his own instructions.

Hes expressing himself, Naruto said, throwing Inos words back at her, seeing that she looked ready to explode. Earlier at dinner, she had asked Narutos and Inos sufferance as Sai tried to come to terms with the numerous things present in high society. It would hurt his growth, if you stop him now. He flinched again, when Hinata shook her head. How did she suddenly have some kind of hold on him? He dreaded that disapproving look almost as much as he feared Sakuras punches.

But. Ino had to fight to keep from shouting. This was a double date, with emphasis on the word date. It was not some kind of swinging singles seminar. At least, it better not be! Theres a right way and a wrong way!

Ahhh I feared as much. Sai looked somewhat troubled. That is one reason I want to practice. Should I begin by trying out pick-up lines on you? He wondered why Naruto covered his mouth and began snickering. That was hardly gentlemanly behavior. He should act his best in front of his date!

No. Ino waved her hands frantically. You dont have to do that. Somehow, Sai and pick-up lines just didnt seem to go together.

I see, Sai replied, looking somewhat relived. Then it seems that my seduction has been a success, even though I never made any conscious efforts. Perhaps this is not as difficult as the literature suggested.

What? Ino tensed up even more. I didnt I mean you didnt.

You should practice on Hinata before we move on to more advanced lessons, Sai told Naruto. He frowned when Naruto looked over at Hinata and shook his head. I have never known you to be a coward before. We are teammates. I need to know I can trust you. He continued to ignore Inos enraged stammering. I will offer you a number of suitable examples. Perhaps that will make things seem less threatening for you.

But. Naruto couldnt get a word in either. He looked at Hinata and shrugged. This should at least be interesting.

"Try this: What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?" Sai tried to sound casual and experienced. "You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad." He shook his robe in a grand flourish. "When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you. "

Hey! Those arent bad! Naruto slapped Sai on the back. Theyre true too! His eyes went wide when he realized what he had said. He couldnt meet Hinatas eyes at the moment.

Thats a relief. Ino didnt look happy, but she had been afraid of what Sai might say. I think thats enough for. She was cut-off again.

You might also consider these: Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Sai was picking up steam. He felt vindicated, after his first few suggestions had caused Hinata to smile. Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes. He tried that one on Ino. She actually had a dreamy look on her face for a moment, before shaking her head and returning to reality. I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you. Now for some things that he had read in a definitive text. Your Daddy must have been a Baker, because you got the nicest set of buns I've ever saw. Why did Hinata twitch like that? You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case! He asked a waiter for a glass of water when Naruto began choking. Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? He pulled out the two pockets on his robes. They looked like the ears of a large white animal. Would you like to?

Sai! Ino took the boy by the arms and shook him until his head rocked back and forth. I think thats enough!

I apologize, Sai said sedately, his equilibrium thrown off temporarily. You are probably correct. Naruto has proven a quick learner when hes motivated. That had Naruto and Hinata both looking down at their feet this time. I should move on to lesson number two. He began walking up to the bar. Befriend the bartender or barmaid. Buy him or her a shot at the beginning of the night to get on his or her good side. This will help you get quicker service when you want to buy a woman a drink. Being connected, especially at a hot club, makes you look like a big shot, which can only help your chances. And who knows, you may just wind up picking up the barmaid. He still wasnt clear on that part. Maybe it was simply his lack of experience. Everything comes in time.

She is pretty sweet. Naruto looked over at a rather large-chested girl tending bar. He yelped. Hinata had pinched him. She had actually pinched him!

Good evening, Maam. Sai addressed the barmaid. Could I buy you a drink? We can use my friends money. He motioned at Naruto. The poor fool bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. That had the girl smiling and accepting his offer. She also wrote her phone number on a cocktail napkin and slid it towards Sai.

You really should remember that we are on a date, Ino said as she swiped the napkin and tore it into tiny shreds. It wasnt as if this was really a big deal or anything. But, there were certain proprieties to follow.

I apologize again, Sai said, looking a tad crestfallen. She really did want to please. I did not intend to monopolize things. Feel free to flirt with that gentleman serving drinks over there, if you like. You may not have a better opportunity.

Th- Th- Th-. Ino was left speechless.

She probably needs time to think something up. Naruto tried to sound serious. Girls mature slower than boys. He wasnt going to back down from every one of Hinatas looks. It was about time she learned that. Uzumaki Naruto was not some kind of wussy man.

I should put things to the test, Sai claimed cheerfully. It doesnt do anyone any good to simply read about a jutsu. Techniques must be practiced repeatedly. He looked back at Naruto. Many people believe that pickup lines are lame, since most women consistently rank honesty and a sense of humor very highly as desirable qualities in a man. A pickup line seems too premeditated, which makes it seem dishonest, and to women, dishonesty is threatening, not funny.

Damn, Naruto said with false anger. I was going to use that Baker one on Hinata. He smiled when the white-eyed girl tripped over a barstool, bringing a whole stack of napkins down with her. He gallantly helped her up.

Not all people feel the same way, Sai continued. Women looking for men at a bar might well enjoy that kind of banter. A few women near him actually nodded their heads and smiled. I am merely saying that it is wise to consider various approaches, just as it makes sense to learn more than one jutsu. It may be good to break the ice by commenting on the current situation, preferably in a humorous way. Or, you might find some pretext in which to ask her to resolve some question for you. Alternatively, you might ask for her opinion on something pertinent.

Hinata. Naruto cleared his throat and winked. He stood straighter and spoke with a deeper voice. What do you think of Sais advice?

Umm-mm-m. Hinata didnt know what to say. She shuffled her feet, realizing that Naruto had been making a joke.

Now. Pay attention. I will start things off. Sai walked up to the nearest woman. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"

Geee-ee-ez. Naruto slapped his forehead. That was the oldest one in the book. Even Ero-Sennin wouldnt touch that one with a ten foot pole. That will never work. He stood stunned when the woman smiled and turned to face Sai.

Do you believe in the hereafter? Sai was doing his best to recall specific lines he had learned. Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after." That had the woman reaching out to touch him on the hand. I wonder what our children will look like? That had the woman laughing and offering to buy him a drink.

Sai. It looked like Ino had put up with the boys nonsense for long enough.

Thank you, Sai said, refusing the drink. Having been successful, he needed a new target. He went to stand by a different woman. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

Watch. Naruto had already begun to cringe. Hes going to get slapped. It didnt happen.

Sais words had a number of men spitting out their drinks or choking. But, the woman appeared intrigued, either by his looks or his seemingly bold approach. Will you help me find my lost puppy, Sai asked. I think he went into the cheap motel around the corner. The woman introduced herself and asked his name.

S-a-i. Ino was trembling with rage, now. A number of people quickly stepped away from her.

Oh my. Hinata walked over to speak with her friend, hoping to calm her down.

I am very pleased to meet you, Sai told the woman, before moving on to another girl. Believe it or not, getting laid is still hard when you're this good-looking. He was still rather sketchy on the whole idea of getting laid. It didnt matter, however. He was obviously doing well. A little more practice ought to suffice. Then it would be Narutos turn. Inos and Hinatas, too. If finding love was hard work, they wouldnt get anywhere by just standing around! I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

S-A-I. Ino ran over and grabbed Sai by the collar. She actually lifted him off of the ground. Her face was quite the sight to see.

If you wanted a turn, Sai said. You merely needed to ask.

I think your sweetheart is jealous, the woman told Sai. She smiled, liking to be the other woman.

Truly? Sai cocked his head when Ino let him down. I did ask you first. He would never understand girls. But, that was neither hear nor there. He didnt want Ino to feel left out. It doesnt matter. I have more. Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under." He didnt understand that one. Ino probably would.

The sound of the resultant slap could be heard clear across the room, despite the noise level coming from so many animated conversations. For a brief instant, Ino looked like a goddess of War. If she suddenly pulled a lightning bolt out of the blue, Naruto wouldnt have been surprised. Sai put his hand to his cheek. It was already swollen so much that he would speak with a lisp.

You are a total i-d-i-o-t. Ino stormed towards the exit, not caring if she was over reacting. She had changed her mind. Clueless was not cute! She would get over things soon enough, but was not going to apologize. There came a point when ignorance was no longer an excuse. Waving off the hat check girl, she made up her mind. She was going to confront Shikamaru and tell him exactly how she felt, Temari or no Temari. Unknowingly, Sai had ended up helping her in a big way.

But. Sai began following after Ino. Does that mean we wont get to the kissing or touching part. He watched as she yanked so hard on the door handle that she nearly split the door in two. Wait a man should not allow a woman to go anywhere alone at this hour.

Naruto waited a moment before following suit. He held out his hand to Hinata. I hope you still had fun, Hinata-chan.

Yes, Hinata said. Her eyes glistened.

That story and it's prequal made me like Sai. He has so much more potential because of his cluelessness. Sai > Sasuke

SotF · Jan 14, 2007

From A Quirk of Fate Prologue

raedric · Jan 14, 2007

Jakkun said:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3313914/1/

The story is by X Serac, and you should like it. That's all I'll say. >:]

Jakkun · Jan 14, 2007

Thanks, I'm sure I will. ^_^

I did a search for it and am guessing it's rating is why I couldn't find it. Damn rating filters. ?_?

Lufio · Jan 15, 2007

Upcoming NGE story from Rorschach's Blot. With a Shinji who's quite upbeat, and just can't see the bad in things. Despite anything that Gendo does to him. And it's slowly driving the man crazy.

There's several more hilarious scenes in the incomplete story, where Shinji praises Gendo for being the best Father in whole world with each attempt the man makes to break his son.

Raven · Jan 15, 2007

I can't seem to find that fic. I tried looking on his yahoo group and his fanfiction.net account, but I'm having a bit of difficulty. Could I get a link please?

ttestagr · Jan 15, 2007

Raven said:

I think he posted it as an omake in one of his other stories, but I'm not sure.

zeebee1 · Jan 15, 2007

It's on the first page of messages on his Yahoo group: #18733.

Amusing fanfiction quotes

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