Dumbledore leaned back in his chair, Hagrid was getting Harry and all
was right in the world.
"Mind if I speak with you for a minute Ed'master?" Hagrid asked with a
grin.
"Hagrid?" Dumbledore asked in shock, "but . . . weren't you supposed
to be getting Harry?"
"Fluffy got sick," Hagrid explained. "So I ad' to sit wif her all
night, poor thing."
"Then who's getting Harry?" Dumbledore asked with growing dread.
"Sent ma cousin Bubba to get 'im," Hagrid replied. "E's got lots of
time since 'e got outta that American prison."
"Oh god." Dumbledore's head fell to his desk, it was going to be one
of those years.
IIIIIIIIII
Meanwhile, in a small shack on a small island in the English Channel .
. . or North Sea depending on your preferences.
"Get out you freak," Vernon screamed.
"Shut up," Bubba said with quiet menace. "You Harry Potter?"
"Yes sir," Harry agreed.
"Polite boy," Bubba said with approval. "Have a doughnut."
"Thank you sir." Harry reached into the box that the large man had
pulled from nothing and selected a doughnut.
"I WANNA DOUGHNUT TOO," Dudley whined.
"Shut up," Bubba said calmly. "Harry, you wait here with your cousin
while I go into the next room to . . . talk with your relatives."
"Yes sir," Harry agreed.
"And if the little pig gives you any lip, stab him with a sharpened
tooth brush."
"Yes sir," Harry agreed again.
"Come on fatty." Bubba grabbed Vernon by the throat. "I've got some
pent up urges to take care of."
"Oh god no." Vernon started crying.
"Oh god yes," Petunia said with a grin. "Can I come too?"
"Sure thing," Bubba said with a smile.
The adults were gone for several hours before the door to the next
room opened up again to admit Bubba and Petunia. Behind the two
adults, the boys could see a naked Vernon curled up and crying in the
next room.
"Good news Harry," Bubba said with a smile. "I'm going to be your new
uncle."
"Yes sir," Harry agreed again.
"Just call me Uncle Bubba from now on," Bubba suggested. "Now let's
all go get your school supplies."
"Ok Uncle Bubba," Harry agreed.
"When will I see you again?" Petunia cried out.
"When I get done shopping," Bubba replied. "We'll hook up at your
place and have a bit of fun."
"What about fatty?" Petunia asked with a wave towards Vernon.
"What about him," Bubba shrugged. "Come on kid."
"Ok uncle," Harry agreed. The two of them walked outside and Harry was
surprised to see his new uncle wave a wand to create a bridge across
the water. "How'd you do that?"
"Magic," Bubba replied. "Fatty didn't tell you about it then?"
"No," Harry said quickly.
"Well you're a wizard and you can do magic and the whole wizarding
thing is real," Bubba said with a yawn. "Any questions?"
"No uncle," Harry replied.
"Good, now let's go."
IIIIIIIIII
Dumbledore burst into the Dursley home, desperate to find Harry Potter
before the boy had a chance to be corrupted by Hagrids crazy cousin.
"No one here," Dumbledore mumbled to himself. "That means . . . I'm
not too late, I've just got to wait until the family gets back from
whatever they're doing and another crisis can be averted." It was a
brilliant plan, too bad he late.
IIIIIIIIII
"So where are we going?" Harry asked his new uncle.
"Guy I know," Bubba replied. "We'll be able to get everything you
could ever need from him at much lower prices then you'd find in the
alley."
"The alley?"
"Shoudda said alleys," Bubba corrected himself. "Two of them cater to
the wizarding society, they're overpriced and fulla morons. Much
easier to know a guy."
"Right." Young Harry absorbed that bit of wisdom.
"May as well start you off learning magic too," Bubba mused. "Lot's of
things you can do without a wand, most of them useful."
"Like what?" Harry asked.
"Well," Bubba began. "There's the usual stuff that most people think
of and then there's the . . . well, I guess I'd say the kind that gets
used when you don't have a wand."
"Ok," Harry said slowly.
"Don't understand do you?" Bubba asked with a smile. "Think of it this
way, there are places in the world where they take your wand away.
There are other places in the world where you can't use a wand. And
finally, there are times when it's more convenient not to use a wand."
"I think I understand," Harry said slowly.
"Good boy." Bubba led the boy down a series of back streets to a
nondescript door. "Open up," He called as he pounded on the door. "I
haven't got all day."
"I'm coming," a voice on the other side replied. "Who is it?"
"Who do ya think?" Bubba replied with a smile.
"Bubba?" The voice said in delight as the door opened to reveal an old
man. "Why . . . I haven't seen you in . . ."
"Close to ten years," Bubba said with a grin. "How are things going
for your business?"
"Semi retired," the old man said with a shrug. "What do you need?"
"Everything the boy needs to go to Hogwarts," Bubba replied. "Plus
whatever else you think might be useful."
"Got a set of twelve disposables sitting around," the old man mused.
"Even Ollivander would have trouble telling them apart."
"Toss 'em in," Bubba agreed.
"What are disposables?" Harry asked.
"Wizards use wands to cast most magic," the old man explained. "The
problem with that is that the wand records what spells have been cast.
With these wands, you dispose of them after you use a spell that might
get you into trouble."
"Oh . . . but why do they need to look the same?"
"So no one asks why you've got a new wand," Bubba said. "Got a few
more tricks I can show you to deal with that."
"Wow," Harry said. His new uncle was better then his old one by an
order of magnitude.
For some reason, I loved this scene.