Amusing fanfiction quotes

[EagleCeres]

and here's another fun snippet of an FSN story
On the Crown

The succulent aroma of frying fish permeated the kitchen as Shiro hummed to himself. Saber had opted to take a quick shower instead of waiting around for his apology lunch, so he chopped, stirred, sauced, and stewed undisturbed.

ôI am the bone of my stove,ö He whispered idly to himself.

ôRice is my body, and soy sauce my blood.ö

He dipped his frying pan, deposited the fish onto a nearby plate, then turned to work on tofu.

ôI have created over five thousand dinners.ö His hands blurred as he worked his knife, rapidly bisecting the tofu, turning the pieces sideways on his cleaver, and dipping them into the stir-fry. Placing the knife aside, he doused his pan with oil and thrust it above the flames.

ôKnown only to Saber-ö

She opened the door, revealing a startled Sakura, her finger about to depress the button for the third time.

ôOh, hi Saber! Could you please tell me where Sem-ö

Saber cut her off like a drawn sword. ôReveal your Servant.ö Behind Sakura, a patch of air wavered menacingly.

ôOh! Um, Saber, if you would.ö Saber glared, puzzled, then took a step back, eyes narrowing. A figure warped into view, dressed in a comfortable brown jacket over blue t-shirt and casual slacks. Her features were petite, her water-blue eyes at once soft and patronizing, and her hair a long, raven mass down her back. She stood a few inches taller than Sakura, stance cool. Saber immediately disliked her. She lookedàFrench.

 

[Dark Knight Gafgar]

ITS FRENCH KILLIT

 

[ttestagr]

It's also Joan of Arc ^^
So burn it if you hate it ^^

 

[Mighty Bob]

Heh, the French exist for the sole reason of giving the rest of humanity a reason to band together and detest a single thing. That and to just be stuck up smelly snobs.


And I've never actually met any french people, but damn if this doesn't seem true.

 

[Lumias]

Yes, that was France's only purpose. Completely ignoring the fact that the U.S. would not exsist if not for the French helping us rebel from the English.

In World War Two, they did however screw the pooch in terms of defending themselves.

So they've had their ups and downs.

 

[Lord Raa]

Napolean: "How can you hope to govern a people with 400 cheeses?"

Fact: the UK has something like 430 cheese made within its borders

 

[Lord Raa]

Kaolla patted her landlord on the head and smiled. ôGet well soon, Keitaro, you donÆt want me to get bored, do you?ö

KeitaroÆs assembled friends and family manage to suppress their shudder at the thought of their resident hyperactive mechanical genius getting bored. The last time that happened, they had to scour the Hinata grounds for hours to recover the laundry after Kaolla modified the washing machine.

HarukaÆs patrons werenÆt expecting to see white cotton panties sailing through the air as if launched from a cannon.

From chapter two of Smell the Glove...


What? Don't you guys have access to the lemon forums?

 

[Dark Knight Gafgar]

Yes, that was France's only purpose. Completely ignoring the fact that the U.S. would not exsist if not for the French helping us rebel from the English.

The American Revolution would have still gone the same way it did without the aid of either soldier of the French army.

 

[Antimatter]

Yes, that was France's only purpose. Completely ignoring the fact that the U.S. would not exsist if not for the French helping us rebel from the English.

The American Revolution would have still gone the same way it did without the aid of either soldier of the French army.

without the french navel blockade, we would have lost due to britain resupplying its ground forces. The french fleet also kept them from using the sea to escape and reland troops.

 

[Mighty Bob]

True, but in the end the french did it cause they liked Ben Franklin and cause it was a way to snub britain. They hardly did it cause they felt the colonies had a good idea.

And it always interests me how thread hijacking can lead to topics that have absolutely nothing to do with the board they're in :yay:

 

[Lumias]

True, but in the end the french did it cause they liked Ben Franklin and cause it was a way to snub britain. They hardly did it cause they felt the colonies had a good idea.

And it always interests me how thread hijacking can lead to topics that have absolutely nothing to do with the board they're in :yay:

Oh, france didn't give a shit about the colonies it was as you said a way for them to get pay back against Britain, the point stands though without them the Colonies rebellion would have been put down. And The U.S. wouldn't exsist.

 

[ttestagr]

The funny thing about the 7 Years War is that the French were fighting Britain all around the world, and the only place their campaign won was in the colonies. So the French managed to fail in that war too.

 

[Lord Raa]

Hmm, since we're having a history lesson here, what about the Louisana Purchase?

Wasn't that where you bought land off the French that they were going to abandon because they couldn't defend it and fight the British at the same time?

Bargain!

 

[ttestagr]

The Louisana Purchase was a good buy. At the time Britain was still in Canada and would have taken it, something no one in the U.S. wanted to see. Viva la France...

 

[kinoth]

Not a fanfiction quote, but amusing (to me) nevertheless

Earlier today to my wife, as I was coming out of sedation from having my wisdom teeth removed:

"How can I be an evil warlock if they've taken away my magic power?"

 

[Turbanator]

"What time is it anyway?" Ranma muttered, pulling his blanket a little tighter around his shoulders.
"Six thirty-three a.m.," Pluto responded idly, sipping a cup of tea between her hands.
"You sure?" Ranma asked, frowning up at the dark sky overhead. Pluto looked at Ranma for a long moment. Ranma blinked. Then chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of his head. "Right. Eh-heh. I guess you would be..."

Hybrid Theory, Chapter 27.

 

[Hawk]

> From chapter two of Smell the Glove...

Oh, that reminds me. Haven't done any shameless self-plugging in a while. So without further ado...

"You're comming along tonight, by the way." Tsunade informed Shizune.

"Huh? What?" Shizune asked.

"To Naruto's. You're comming along." Tsunade explained.

"Why?" Shizune asked.

"I'm not sure that I trust myself to get through the evening on my own. So you're tagging along for backup in case it's more then I can handle." Tsunade replied, a comment which caused a curious Mitarashi Anko, who had spotted Naruto and Shizune when they looked into the bar she had been at the time and decided to follow them, to suddenly sport a truly impressive nose bleed and fall unconcious to the ground.

"More then one woman can handle on her own!" Anko hollered as she woke up at Konoha's hospital two hours later. "Talk about a wolf in sheeps clothing!" she commented and then started giggling to herself, as three nurses came running to see what the new patient who had been unconcious up until now was making a ruckus about.

- From chapter five of Master Nin

 

[EagleCeres]

> From chapter two of Smell the Glove...

Oh, that reminds me. Haven't done any shameless self-plugging in a while. So without further ado...

"You're comming along tonight, by the way." Tsunade informed Shizune.

"Huh? What?" Shizune asked.

"To Naruto's. You're comming along." Tsunade explained.

"Why?" Shizune asked.

"I'm not sure that I trust myself to get through the evening on my own. So you're tagging along for backup in case it's more then I can handle." Tsunade replied, a comment which caused a curious Mitarashi Anko, who had spotted Naruto and Shizune when they looked into the bar she had been at the time and decided to follow them, to suddenly sport a truly impressive nose bleed and fall unconcious to the ground.

"More then one woman can handle on her own!" Anko hollered as she woke up at Konoha's hospital two hours later. "Talk about a wolf in sheeps clothing!" she commented and then started giggling to herself, as three nurses came running to see what the new patient who had been unconcious up until now was making a ruckus about.

- From chapter five of Master Nin

yay... more Deviant Viking goodness!!! :hail:

 

[da_fox2279]

á á á á "These are Maia and Ritsuko of `Neon Genesis Evangelion' --"

á á á á Koume sniffed.á "At least that's *slightly* more believable than
the doujinshi I saw that hooked up Rei and Asuka.á I can just hear it now.
`yesyesyesyesyesyes' --" Her imitation of Rei in the midst of sex was cut
off when Ryouko politely bopped her on the head.

á á á á CLICK.

á á á á Ryouko stared at the screen.á "Ano ... who *are* they?"

á á á á "Well, the one with the immense bosom is Jessica Rabbit ... I
think.á But I have no idea who the one that is ... um, *entertaining* her
with that log is."á Koume peered at the screen.á "She kinda looks like
Kijima Rei, from `Marmalade Boy' ... but with a pony tail.á And that
*trenchcoat* ... I'm kind of at a loss."

-From Mystery Story 14, by Chris Davies - Mystery Story14.

When I first read about that kind of thing in the books, I said to
myself, "That is *so* dumb!"? I mean, think about it.? You take all that
trouble to forge a sword *ass-backwards*.? You put the cutting edge on the
side of the blade that curves up, and the blunt side on the side that
curves down.? Dumb.? If you hit someone with the blunt side of a stick of
iron, you're still gonna wind up doing some heavy damage.? So you won't be
shedding blood.? So what?? What kind of idiot handicaps himself like that?

I was pretty young when I thought that.? Maybe I've grown up a
little.? Maybe I've had to.? I think that now ... I understand what kind
of an idiot handicaps himself like that.

An idiot who's too damn good at his trade.

The question isn't, "How much damage can you do?", it's "How much
control do you have over the damage that you can do?"? How much more
skillful do you have to be to strike someone with the blunt side of a
sword and leave them out like a light but alive ... than to strike them
with the sharp side of the same sword, and cut all the way through them.

How much more skill does it take to not kill, than it does to
kill?

I think I've learned that.

- From Mystery Story 16, also by Davies. Not really humorus, but still a good quote nonetheless.

The old ones are often the best ones...

 

[Lord Raa]

Time for some shameless self-promotion....

Kira stirred slowly as he higher functions came online. Looking up he noticed that his commanding officers were standing before him.

ôHello Captain, Ensign Badgiruel. Is there something up? Am I needed for a mission?ö

When he received no answer, he looked around to get a better idea of what the situation was. He realised that his commanding officers were not just standing before him, they were staring at him.

More specifically the male parts of his anatomy.

ôOh. How awkwardàö

From chapter 3 of The SEED of Tomorrow.

You know, that DNA^2/Gundam SEED fic I started writing

 

[EagleCeres]

Mithril and Blue Haired Girl Visit Hinata by dave-d

ôSousuke, did you see any sign of Kurz while you were walking back.àà.. or while you were flying.ö Melissa fought to hide a smile.

That had been a sight she would long remember.

ôNo, Sgt. Major, I did not. He has been unseen for all this time? We should consider him captive then. Another worrisome fact to add to our list. That, and the mysterious and inscrutable monks....ö Sousuke shook his head thinking about the strange little men.

ôDid the monks provide you with any information that might aid us in our mission, Sousuke?ö Melissa sounded doubtful.

ôNegative. They referred to one of the woman accompanying me as a fox, a babe, and a choice piece of ass. I can only assume that they were talking about Kaname.ö Kaname blushed furiously.

Melissa squinted, frowned, and started reaching for her gun.

ôOne of them told me that that Kaname digs me, but I fail to understand the reference to a shovel. I was further informed that I could score on Kaname, if I were to loosen up, pay her some attention, and acquire a normal personality.ö Sousuke looked over at Kaname, whose face was doing a good impression of a sunset. ôKaname, perhaps I have missed it. Are we involved in some form of sporting match?ö

ôW-w-was t-t-that all t-t-they said, Sergeantö Melissa had to try extremely hard not to burst out in laughter. She looked over at Kaname, and had to strive even harder.

ôThere was more, Sgt. Major. They called me a ædumbassÆ and a æmoron.Æ Sousuke looked bewildered.

ôSOUSUKE, YOU IDIOT!ö Kaname had overcome her embarrassment and was working on her anger again.

ôThey did not say æidiot,Æ Kaname. It was ædumbassÆ and æmoron.Æ I wish you would pay more attention during these briefing sessions.ö

Sousuke began to doubt that Kaname could ever be a professional.

quite a funny story and cross-fusion... a bit of 4th wall breaking, but it fits :lol: :snigger:

 

[cilrais]

"The disappearances have grown however and people are now starting to disappear from within their homes. It mentions that a few villagers believe it's an Oni or Kumo..."

"Er...?" Ino said, not liking the spider part but not understanding what her sensei meant exactly. Surprisingly it was Naruto who answered her.

"Demonic spiders, the size of a house...they have the head of man but thirty-six eyes and a gaping mouth!" The blond looked around excitedly. "They also have these huge stings that they use to poison people, only they don't kill you...it just knocks you unconscious so they can eat your flesh!"

"It is also said that Kumo have powerful illusions, high speed, the ability to drain one of chakra and spit a highly deadly venom." Shino added, his eyes on Naruto. "I am interested in how you know of the Kumo Spiders..."

"Uhhh, doesn't everybody?" Naruto asked, eyes squinting up. "I mean that's a common bedtime story right? At least, that's what they used to tell me in the orphanage before they kicked me out."

Altered History by Geor http://georsama.tripod.com/

 

[Dark Knight Gafgar]

ôSo, AsukaÆs the anti-Christ? ...Well IÆm surprise.ö

ôUh. . .thanks?ö

ôItÆs so obvious now.ö

ôYou asshole!ö

Lycanthrope 3 Chapter 7 by Mister Cynical.

 

[Revanant Dragoon]

At the south gate, a hundred or so shinobi had the intruder cornered up against a building. The highest ranking person present was a Kunoichi ANBU captain, so she took a few steps forward from the group.

ôWho are you, and why do you insist on being senselessly violent?ö

ôWell, actually, I just kind of enjoy senseless violence. Now I have a question,ö he smiled fangily and held out his weapon, ôDon't you think this is a sexy sword?ö

The silence was deafening.

ôI mean seriously, if you were to see this sword just laying at the side of the road, don't you think you'd suddenly have an incredible urge to run your hot hands over it?ö

The various ANBU collectively took a couple steps back as their captain's self control started to waiver, ôNow as I was saying, about your intentions here...ö

ôAnd then you could take it home so you could grind up against it just for the sheer joy of rubbing your body against a sword as sexy as this.ö

At this point, a storm of Kunai, Shuriken, and various other sharp pointy things converged on the poor cornered intruder, but he appeared undaunted as a red chakra flared up blasted all the projectiles back without any effort.

ôNice try, but not nearly good enough. Might I recommend some explosive tags next time?ö

The demon posed dramatically, ôNo, Kristy, you can't leave!ö

He switched to a high squeeky voice, ôBut I must, Jack. See... I'm your sister!ö

Back to his low dramatic voice, ôNoooooooooooooooooo! How can this be!ö

An ANBU lieutenant sidled up to his commander, ôAt this point sir, I think he's just mocking us.ö

She looked over to where Kyuubi, in his usual Sasuke-ish from, was reading aloud from ôIcha Icha Paradise: A New Beach of Loveö, and then looked back at her lieutenant, ôThats a very insightful observation you make there.ö

The lieutenant grinned like an excited puppy, ôThank you.ö

ôI was being sarcastic.ö

ôOh...ö

There was a gap in conversation, then a sob could be heard from the crowd of sand-nin, and one of the chuunin started to get teary eyed, ôI'm sorry... but I just can't help it... It's so sad. Jack and Kristy love each other, but they both know it can never be... This performance is so touching.ö

An eyebrow started to twitch, I am commander of the ANBU, respected by all. I am not going to lose my cool. I am NOT going to lose my cool. I am not going to...

Kyuubi used the squeaky voice, ôI don't care, Jack, I don't care! Even if we are siblings, I must have you!ö

The commander's control almost snapped as the entire crowd of shinobi, including her personally trained ANBU, collectively gasped in shock, and she started to massage her temples slowly.

ôWe could go watch a demonic sword transformed into Uchiha Sasuke recite his own rendition of a porn novel in monologue.ö

ôI'm assuming this is one one of those things that makes more sense when you see it?ö

ôNot really, but I kind of enjoy watching the commander of the ANBU tear out her hair.ö

Gaara stood up slowly and forced himself to walk out the front door as Kankuro continued talking, ôAnd for what it's worth, the demon is pretty good with his different voices.ö

Never Cut Twice Chapter 33

 

[da_fox2279]

I read that part at 5 in the morning when I was first reading 'Never', and had trouble sleeping when I did go to bed, simply cause I kept laughing at the mental image.