Amusing fanfiction quotes

[Moshulel]

"When someone steals from those, they steal from me!"

:snigger:

You don't trespass Happy's territory like that.

:rofl:

 

[cilrais]

ôSo Hinata will you go out with me?ö asked Kiba holding his head high sticking his chest out.

The Hyuuga just looked at her teammate as they made there way towards the Hokages office. ôUmmmà.IÆm sorry Kiba-kun but there is someone I already like.ö said Hinata.

Kiba hung his head low, but then brought it back up with determination in his eyes. ôIts that arrogant Sasuke isnÆt it.ö said Kiba. ôI swear IÆll throttle him.ö

Hinata began to giggle. ôNo IÆm sorry its not Sasuke.ö said Hinata with a smile.

Kiba suddenly looked very confused. ôWha- if not Sasuke then who?ö

ôIÆm sorry but at the risk of you attempting to throttle that person, I think IÆll keep it a secret.ö said Hinata.

Kiba once again hung his head and fell back towards his other teammate Shino. ôI told you she wouldnÆt say yes.ö said the usually stoic boy.

ôI know but I couldnÆt resistàI meanàlook at that ass.ö said Kiba developing a blush and drool at the sight of his teammates behind. He was smacked over the head by his sensei that was currently behind the two of them.

ôThatÆs probably the reason she said no.ö said Kurenai.

The team made its way up the Hokage tower into the mission debriefing room. Inside the room team 7 was waiting. Kiba looked at his female teammate and noticed she had a faint blush on her cheeks.

He followed her gaze and his eyes widened in surprise at what he saw. Apparently Hinata was staring at Haruno Sakura ôWHAT! HOLY F$# ! SheÆs gay!ö thought Kiba as his mouth hung wide open and a tremendous blush formed on his cheeks. ôBut of course that is the only logical explanation. I mean why else would she refuse to go out with a stud like me.ö

However if Kiba had come out of his fantasies and took time to think about the situation logically he would have noticed a few things. The first being the Team 7 was currently standing in a straight line all next to each other. The second being that since she and him were standing in different positions they both had different views from different angles. What he saw as her staring at Sakura, she was actually looking at a certain blonde haired boy with sunglasses.

ôAh, team eight has arrived now we can begin giving you your joint assignment.ö said the old man Hokage. All people in the room eyes widened. ô Team 7 and Team 8 will escort a bridge builder as well as protect him on this C class mission.ö

As the Hokage began discussing the details, Kiba began whispering to his teammate. ôPssst Shino.ö

The stoic bug user looked over to him. ôwhat?ö he asked quietly.

ôI figured out who she likesàlook at where she is staring.ö said the dog boy.

Shino let out a small sigh and looked over at Hinata. She had a blush on her face and was currently staring at someone. He followed her gaze but unfortunately like Kiba he was at a different angle then Hinata. That is why his eyes led him to the figure of Haruno Sakura.

ShinoÆs eyebrow rose an inch and he gave a look of what people could only guess was confusion. ôIàI donÆt understand.ö he admitted.

ôDudeàsheÆs a lesbian.ö

ôWHAT! HOLY F$# !ö He shouted out.

In that instance the whole room became silent and all eyes were on him, wide as dinner plates. Many a mouth hung open in sheer surprise.

ôuhhhàsorry I just realized something that is ratheràsurprising.ö said Shino. If it werenÆt for his collar everyone would see that he was blushing red.

Bloodline: Radiance

 

[Fatuous One]

There a fair number of amusing quotes in this one, but I liked this scene...

Source

"I," the flame replied, and here it puffed itself up a bit in pride, "am this shrine's holy flame, who is responsible for the training of its keepers in the way of the shrine priest and maiden."

"Okay." Ranma shrugged, not all that interested. "Can I get some of the sacred fire, or holy flame or whatever it's called?"

The flame dimmed and brightened, and then it began to drift up into the air, above the fire itself, until it floated in front of Ranma's face and stared him straight in the eye, not at all connected with the fire. "And what would you want with this shrine's flame, young one?"

"I'm gonna give it ta this girl I know so that she can set things on fire with it."

Vague, but true.

"Hmm..." the flame hmmed as it pondered this. Ranma had a feeling this thing was a slow thinker. "Well, I'm afraid I can't help you in this matter. After all, the shrine's fire is not just given to whoever should want it."

"Really?" Ranma eyed the flame with a critical eye.

"Indeed! Ours is a particularly potent one, excellent for purification, forging metal, the distilling of liquids, divination, and other... magical effects, and that is why you want to have it," the flame drifted closer to Ranma's face, "is it not?"

"If it is?"

"Then too bad for you, boy. You're not getting any."

"Oh that's how it is." Ranma honestly didn't care either way.

"Ah, but there is a way to convince me to allow you to take some, if you truly want it."

That's just great. Spirit bartering. He had watched his old man try to do this before. Joy all around.

"What d'ya want?"

And now, the flame backed away, probably because it had successfully started this bargaining session. "Well, you see," it began, "I have been here with this shrine for a long time now. Decades. Centuries. Generations. A long tradition in this holy place was for me to teach the young acolytes the skills and the arts of the shrine. It was the training of powerful mystics, hunters of the wicked, and keepers of the sacred peace that I performed, the teaching of the supernatural ways. But now I am old in a way, and my duties have diminished in these newer times, and are no longer needed as much. Here I stay in the cold and the dark, and few are my visitors and fewer new students. Soon there will be no more place for me, and indeed, perhaps that is the right thing."

"But," it continued, and the warmth of the room grew as it did, "in my time I have had few regrets. Mine was a satisfied existence, and I was content. My students went on to become great in their own ways, and I my work as a teacher was fulfilling. Perhaps I became too comfortable with myself. My last student was raised in these more modern times. Perhaps we were too different, perhaps we were both too headstrong. I fear I was not able to persuade that child that the older ways are right. Now, I fear that chance has been lost, and I no longer see my student at all."

"That foolish student of mine was a young girl. Very talented, even at her age. But the new ideas of the world blinded her to the better old ways. My last regret was that I never was able to finish her training before she left me. And now that she has grown into a young woman, and a skilled one, she has no need to listen to an elder like me any longer. Those who are still here at this shrine have no wish to convince her otherwise, or help an old teacher like myself. Such is the fate of the old in the face of the new."

"But you, a strong young man like yourself can be of aid. I would like you to work with me. It shall not be much of a burden on your time. I merely want to show that student of mine the true strength of the old ways, and I merely need an chance to do so. I am certain that with the current state of affairs, there is ample opportunity to find her. She still performs exorcisms and hunts demons, I hear, and that is my own specialty. The land around this shrine is filled with such wonders, without a doubt we can find a good moment. I only need to be brought in her presence, and perhaps a little action on your part is necessary during the demonstration itself, and nothing more. Does that not sound elementary? In return for this service, I will myself provide the flame that your lady friend requires. Do you find this arrangement agreeable?"

"No," said Ranma.

And then he bottled the flame.

A bit longwinded, but I like these type of jokes, so long as they're not overly obvious.

 

[Dark Knight Gafgar]

It's official: the flame just got owned.

 

[ttestagr]

Star Wars

A Journey of Discover Book 2: Pledge

Mara finally decided she'd better get to the point, or Luke would dither over this indefinitely. "Leia and your friends wouldn't like it if they missed seeing us get married."

He surprised her by rebuffing that excuse immediately. "They'd get over it."

"We don't even know if a marriage here would be legally binding for us."

"It should be as legal as on any other planet," he countered.

Mara bit her lip nervously. "We wouldn't be doing this just so we could have guilt-free sex sooner," she muttered.

"Of course not," Luke shot back without hesitation.

 

[JohnnyG]

Urd, bless her heart, tried to do good on so many things. There was the time she spiked SasukeÆs juice one morning to try and lighten his mood. Disaster had struck when Sasuke made a complete one-eighty in personality. He readily answered SakuraÆs request for a date, driving the poor girl into a rambling mess of sated nerves. Had that been all, then the situation would not have been so bad, but Sasuke hadnÆt stopped there. Ino, Aoi, Kyoko Miki, the list went on forever. Naruto remembered one particular event in vivid clarityà.

Flashback

Sasuke stood leaning against a tree post. His demeanor was too laid back, too different. It was making the small group wary. Sasuke never hung around anybody. Naruto knew why he was so different, but he was hoping Urd was doing something to fix the problem. Things were getting out of hand.

If she didnÆt hurry, they would be royally screwed.

ôShino, your mom is hot.ö

Nobody moved, unsure of who had the gall to utter the phrase. They need not have bothered. Sasuke appeared totally relaxed, as if he complimented women older than him all the time.

ôàWhat?ö Shino asked in stunned disbelief.

ôWhen we get married, could you call me ædaddy?Æö

The entire park went silent, and Naruto, Kiba, and Shikamaru made a grab for Shino before he could put Sasuke in the ICU for life.

ôStay away from my mother!ö Shino roared, infuriated.

End Flashback

The whole episode had left Naruto weary and tired, giving him one more reason to dislike the Uchiha, even if it wasnÆt his fault. Though, the aftermath had been worth it. Sasuke had a village full of frothing women and angry boyfriends after him, and he had no clue to why they wanted to pull him limb from limb since he couldnÆt remember a single moment of the entire incident. And Sakura, her view of the brooding bastard took a steep nosedive that afternoon. It was the happiest day of NarutoÆs life.

This is from Ah! My Naruto. Honestly, I couldn't stop laughing when I was proofreading this for him. :rofl:

 

[Dark Knight Gafgar]

From Festina Lente:

The three of them, Ranma and Chachamaru and Chachazero on Ranma's head, walked. It was a nice, uneventful walk.

Dum dee dum dee dum.

And then, out of nowhere, a gang of hoodlums appeared!

Because that happens a lot at Mahora, for some reason.

"Hey you!" said the leader, addressing Ranma specifically. "Do you know who we are?!"

"No," responded Ranma.

"You beat all of us up this morning because we were having a fight on school grounds!"

"Oh," responded Ranma, taking a closer look at the rest of the group that he had originally ignored because they were so unimportant. "That'll explain why yer all so bruised and bandaged." He shrugged. "Well, don't fight in school. The teachers hate that."

"Today, for the humiliation of our entire gang being beat up by one underclassman brat, and for the blatant hypocrisy inherent in stopping a school fight by kicking the crap out of all the fighters, we will return the favor! Also, you look stupid with that doll on your head."

"Uh, huh." Ranma turned to Chachamaru, who was watching the confrontation with no interest on her face, before Chachazero could decide to contribute to the conversation.

"Chachamaru," Ranma said evenly, "shoot them."

Chachamaru looked back at him. "...Yes." And then she swung her eyes over to the gang of hoodlums. There was a small humming sound.

CHACHAMARU BEAM!

*BOOM!*

The three of them moved around the large crater in the middle of the sidewalk, and walked toward Evangeline's house again.

Yeah, okay, so Ranma didn't feel like beating up the same people twice in one day. Or something like that.

Satomi would probably hit him repeatedly if she knew that he called Chachamaru's sophisticated radiation sensor/emitter suite a "Chachamaru Beam", even if it was just in his head. Or she might like the name. She made the system, after all, and the name was descriptive.

The three of them, Ranma and Chachamaru and Chachazero on Ranma's head, walked. It was a slow, dull walk.

Dum dee dum dee dum.

And then another gang of hoodlums appeared!

Well, no, actually it was just the university guys from the Robotics Society, just going to lunch. Although the group in their ever-present lab coats were a gang of hoodlums if Ranma ever saw one.

"Chachamaru," Ranma said evenly, "shoot them. Shoot them now."

Yeah, okay, so Ranma was feeling a little vindictive. Sue him.

"No," replied Chachamaru, shaking her head.

Damn. That would've been so awesome. And so ironic. But no, the Robotics guys were left alone.

The three of them, Ranma and Chachamaru and Chachazero on Ranma's head, walked. It was a boring, quiet walk.

Dum dee dum dee dum.

And then some girls appeared! Specifically, two girls. Even more specifically, that Takane girl and that girl with the flower hairpins and the broom whose name he never cared to remember because it was so mundane and forgettable. Not that he went around remembering girls' names anyway.

"Well... that's just great," Ranma groaned to himself.

"Why do you get to lead the team for the sports festival security?!" asked Takane. Although "asked" wasn't the right word.

"Because yer an idiot."

Yeah, okay, so Ranma didn't feel like restraining the insults today. Who could blame him?

Long story short, they argued loudly about fairness and justice and how Ranma was an annoying jerk, and then Takane and that other girl with the unrememberable name left. Which was too bad because Ranma felt he could've persuaded Chachamaru to shoot them if he had a minute to do so.

The girl with the name looked scared of Chachazero for some reason, though. Maybe Chachazero was making strange faces while riding on his head. After thinking about it, Ranma decided that if Chachazero can scare girls away... actually no, Chachazero riding on his head still wasn't worth it.

The three of them, Ranma and Chachamaru and Chachazero on Ranma's head, walked. It was a slow, dull walk.

Dum dee dum dee dum.

And then a team of mages (real, fully-trained, adult ones) appeared! And they demanded that bottle wrapped in paper that Evangeline had given Chachamaru be returned to them! And there was an argument and a terrific fight and spells thrown around and ki-blasts and lasers and HUGE EXPLOSIONS and BEAMS of MAGICAL ENERGY and PEOPLE SCREAMING and BUILDINGS BLOWING UP and oh wait that never happened.

Instead, the three of them arrived at the house.

So, technically, Chachamaru would've been a lot better off if Ranma hadn't been there to escort her, since no trouble actually came, except trouble looking for Ranma.

Yes, Evangeline was just full of great ideas. Stupid Evangeline.

Anyway, they went in.

A few seconds passed.

And then a giant gout of flame erupted out of the wooden house.

 

[Lord Raa]

"Did you have to splash me with American beer? Have you no decency?" Genma demanded, temporarily forgetting who he was yelling at in his indignation. "You realize how long it will take me to wash that atrocity from my palette?"

Chapter 24 of 'Yet Another Ranma-as-an-Orochi-Descendant fic' by WFRose

 

[AbyssalDaemon]

Grandpa Dursley and the Schooling of Harry Potter by Deep Red

He was still having a bit of trouble wrapping his mind around the fact that the tabby turned into a woman, and from his brief glance a really good lookinÆ one at that. Animals bent on taking over the world starting with Surrey he could deal with. Afterall, it wouldnÆt be the first time. In the 70Æs there was this pot smoking madman who tried to turn ScotlandÆs sheep into deadly assassins intent on killing the Queen and û well lets just say that he learned to love haggis after that. But cats turning into humans well it was a bit out of his league.

And what if that meant theyÆve already taken over the government?

Well shit. That explains all the jackasses in parliament. No matter. They might have taken over the government but that didnÆt mean they were bringing down this house. Even if he was the last human in Surrey he wasnÆt going to give up without a fight, hopefully a really bloody one with lots of explosions, those are always good for some fun.

Hmm...maybe he needed a few more mice to bait the traps with?

A few hours later and a dinner laced with enough sleeping pills to knock them out for the night Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley were locked in the basement. He had to admit he was a little worried that Petunia was already taken over but he thought the chances of her really being a giraffe was a bit far fetched, he hoped.

And Spying no Jutsu by daniel-gudman

OMAKE: BORING

Most people didn't know it, but using Tsukiyomi was boring. Yeah, using an illusion to make someone suffer unspeakable torments for three days was pretty kick-ass, but it got old awful quick. And since Itachi had to be right there, controlling everything, it felt like three days for him, too. That's why using the eye was dangerous... psychosomatic sleep exhaustion.

Take right now, for example.

ôFor the next 72 hours, I will pierce your flesh with this katana,ö he'd said. It'd been the coolest thing he'd gotten to say, like, all week.

Shit. It had only been 10 minutes, and Itachi was already bored.

Only 71 hours and 49 minutes left, now. Itachi held back a sigh.

 

[cilrais]

His thoughts were interrupted by a low growling sound. Glancing around the room, his eyes finally landed on the boy's stomach, while the boy blushed in embarrassment.

"Sorry, I haven't eaten a real meal in a while," he said with a nervous chuckle.

"...Indeed." Still pondering possibilities, he removed the kunais with a single wave of his hand, and backed up as the boy fell forward to the floor. "If Baki has deemed you worthy of our cause, then so be it. You have my official blessing to train and carry out missions under the banner of Sunagakure. Now if you will excuse me, I have many pressing matters to return to."

"Yes sir, old-er, Kazekage-sama," Naruto answered, hoping he wouldn't catch his slip. He grinned a truly happy grin. This had turned out to be one of the best days of his life. He'd made a somewhat friend with Temari, became a ninja, and to top it off, neither his sensei or the Kazekage had a problem with him being the Kyubi container.

There was absolutely nothing in this world that could make this day horrible for him!

As he turned to go, his stomach growled again. "Hey Kazekage-sama? Do you know where I could find a decent ramen shop?"

The Yondaime turned back to him with a light frown. "I'm sorry Uzumaki, but Sunagakure does not import ramen, nor do we have any shops that make it."

----------

Kankuro looked up from his workbench. Slowly he got up and walked into the living room, where Temari was resting. "Hey sis, did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" the kunoichi asked.

"That bloodcurdling scream that sounded like someone who's body was getting crushed little by little by Gaara's sand."

Temari shrugged. "I don't know, but Gaara's in his room by himself."

Kankuro scratched his chin. "Hmm, weird. ...Oh well." And with that, he returned to his room.

The Pride of Suna

 

[notBald]

*Shrugs*

I fully intended to simply lurk on this site, but this thread is great so I decided to add my collected quotes to it. Sadly, I wasn't forward thinking enough to jolt down where I got the quotes from :sweat: Perhaps someone here has better memory then me.

Harry Potter:
"Nukes?"
"They're a type of Muggle shoe," the young wizard replied after a moment.

Now Snape didnÆt need a reason deduct house points from Gryffindor, but now that he had one, he decided to anyway.

Ron swallowed and then added, "You have it easy Draco, to find your closest relatives you just have to look under a rock or wallow around in the mud."

ôIÆm beginning to think I should just come to class with you.ö
-- Pomfrey to potter

"It's a bit like, lighting a room by setting your house on fire."

Voldemort reached down and ripped the cloak off the moaning mound to reveal a rather bloody Vernon Dursley. ôI have taken the liberty of breaking every bone in his body, and removing the man's voice box. I do apologize for that, IÆd hoped you would have been able to hear screams of forgiveness, but one can only take being called a freak and abomination so many times before it grates oneÆs nerves.

ôI donÆt think itÆs a good idea to take you three out of school.ö
Hermione looked horrified. ôNo! ThatÆs not what I meant,ö she insisted, ôWe could go next weekend, that way we wouldnÆt miss any classes.ö

ôAre the filthy rich always this...filthy?ö Hermione asked before she could stop herself.

<Hermine turns into a Malfoy> "I think I'm going to kill myself!"
ôGood idea,ö said Myrtle. ôI know I canÆt think of anything worse than suddenly turning into a Malfoy. Except for maybe being dead and haunting a toilet for fifty years."

(Ron) "I hate pirates, they make squaqing noises and chirp all the time."
Hermine stares at Ron for a moment "that's parots, _not_ pirates."

but Ranma took it in stride. Several strides even. Some would call it a flat out run.
-- Eldritch Asylum (I believe)

Under article XIV-b of the 1992 revised Muggle Protection Act, you are not allowed possession of magical artifacts unless and until you are officially a witch. Given that this is not yet the case, this message will self-destruct in three... two... one...
-- Eldritch Asylum

Ranma breathes, deeply and slowly, attempting to shake off her irrational fear. With great intensity, she strikes the tuning fork, looks at the character, then plucks the D string. After a moment she asks softly, ôDo they still make strings from c-c-cat g-gut.ö
Hermione nods.
ôGood. Those evil creatures deserve it.ö That said, Ranma returns to tuning the violin, merrier than the moment before.
-- Eldritch Asylum

ôDo you see anything funny about this?ö Harry asked his partner in crime.
ôNothing at all.ö
ôThen why is she laughing?ö
ôWhatÆs it matter? WeÆre going to kill her either way.ö
-- Parenting Class 35

-------------------------------------------------------------------
ôYou are even more arrogant than your bastard of a father, Potter,ö he purred. The boy stared back blankly. ôHe was truly a fool and worse yet, a mudblood lover. How he could handle the stench of her tainted blood is beyond me. He probably welcomed the killing curse as an end to his misery.ö

Harry frowned slightly. ôAs far as I know his parents were married,ö he said. ôI donÆt understand why you would call him a bastard.ö

Snape forced his face into an even more terrible expression. At this point he was sure any first years witnessing this would run back to their mothers begging to be home schooled. Potter remained unfazed with the slightly perplexed expression fading from his brow. Snape continued his attack. ôPerhaps it is you who are the bastard. I heard your mother spread her legs for anyone with enough coin. Perhaps you are even MY son,ö he said, his voice a mere whisper. ôI tasted her pleasures many a time, Potter. She was quite the screamer.ö

The boy said, ôI thought you said her stench was unbearable. How were you able to tolerate it?ö The small furrow between his brows returned. Snape ground his teeth and dug deeper.

ôYour godfather, or should I say god-mutt, truly got what he deserved,ö he said coolly. Snape went in for the kill. ôIt was brilliant of you to orchestrate his demise. I cheered when I heard what occurred that night in the DoM. The only shame is that he wasnÆt tortured beforehand as you believed.ö He waited with bated breath for a reaction. HarryÆs eyes drooped and he swallowed but after a few blinks he cleared his countenance.

ôIÆm not sure I agree with your assessment, Professor, but you are certainly allowed to have your own opinion,ö he said with only the faintest trace of anger.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

"Boy-Who-Lived Dead, found covered in his own piss. Malfoy would love that headline."

Harry glanced over at Hermione ôI just was ashamed, Okay! There are just somethings that you donÆt want the whole world to know you know... like how Ron eats Dog Treats.ö
Hermione raised an eyebrow at Ron, Ron glared at Harry.

"You're wiser than I was at your age," he finally said.
"Well, yes," Draco agreed. "But then, I'm a Malfoy."

ôYouÆre always trying to find something,ö Draco said, sitting down. He put his feet up on the table. He was wearing black leather pants, a dark greenùalmost blackùsweater, and shoes that matched his pants.
ôMostly your sanity.ö

"Pansy, stop following us and just walk with us," yelled Blaise. After the last minute Blaise had just decided it was easier this way then pretending not to see her, because honestly that was one of the hardest things he has ever had to do.
"How did you know I was here?" asked Pansy.
'How could I not, you make more racquet than a stampede of cows, and you're only one cow, maybe two. Hell Millicent was quieter than you and she is the size of a cow and has the brain of one!' "Lucky guess," answered Blaise.

Malfoy grew a mischievous smile as he answered. "Well, I was born at a very young age..."

Know thy enemy, his father had always said. Then again, this father had also said that pain was just weakness leaving the body, and that was patently false.

Draco sat down next to Pansy "Why are you sitting away from everyone else."
Pansy clutched her head and mumbled "I made a headache potion."
Draco raised his right eyebrow.
"Next time I'll make a potion for curing headaches."

This said enjoy the Ninth Break. I'm told that it is a
once in a lifetime experience. (Death you fool!!!)

ôHardly! Get your mind out of the gutter, Draco, itÆs filthy enough already!ö
-- Blaize Zabini

"There are some flaws, but it is otherwise perfect."
-- Blaize Zabini

"I've managed to get the addresses of several rather prominent members of the Government," the Headmaster smirked. "We're going to sign them up for magazines and catalogs that they don't want."

ôNot all people are annoying,ö said Harry neutrally. SiriusÆs face lit up hopefully and Harry almost regretted that he was about to crush his hope. ôSome of them are dead,ö

ôYou pranked me during a prison break?ö Sirius went from shocked to a grinning fool in seconds. ôIÆm really starting to like you. Now get me out of this.ö

Ranma 1/2:
"Tell me, honestly, is Shampoo really the best fighter of her generation in your village?" Ranma asked.
Cologne blinked at the question and hesitated before nodding.
"Then I take it that the latest batch of warriors have been somewhat of a disappointment," Ranma commented.

Love hotels serve ice cream? Man, no wonder people are always going there. I bet their ice cream is the best!

Unknown:
ôAh you must be Mr Santo. I sense great evil in you,ö she said.
ôCalm down Yoda it was only a bad chicken sandwich,ö he replied.

 

[bzzt3421]

From Kraken's Ghost fic in progress Of Ramen Fiends and Dark Lords

ôOuch, you little brat!ö Kankuro loudly declared as he lifted Konohamaru off the ground and brought him to eye level.

ôKnock it off. WeÆll get in trouble,ö Temari warned. Her brother ignored her and was about to whack the little twerp he was holding up when a loud voice distracted him.

ôHey fat-ass! Let him go!ö Naruto bellowed while pointing at him.

Kankuro and Temari stared in abject horror at the monstrosity the boy was wearing. Okay, full body armor with a cybernetic chest plate might have look somewhat cool even on a midget like himàThe operating word being æmight.Æ

Might, if the armor hadnÆt been chrome orange that had been polished to the point of searing their skin with the sunÆs reflection. Sakura and two other kids lurked behind the genin, though probably less likely out of fear and more likely that they didnÆt want their faces remembered by anyone who might possibly associate them with the idiot wearing an outfit that even Maito Gai wouldnÆt be caught dead in (or perhaps might be envious of.)

Plus, NarutoÆs cape wasnÆt polished (only because he had yet to figure out how to add chrome to it while keeping its flexibility), so there was a æblind-spotÆ directly behind him. It was either that or get thirteen different types of skin cancer in 14.8 seconds flat from the glare.

ôMake me, shrimp,ö Kankuro replied. He wasnÆt blinded as badly as his sister, considering his eyes were usually squinty for some bizarre reason, be it the artistÆs laziness or the memory of walking in on his brother practicing the tango with one of his sand clones.

ôI was waiting for you to say thatàö Naruto said with a deranged grin, making him look like a psychedelic madmanàuh, madboy.

ôHuh? WhatÆre you talking about?ö Kankuro asked, getting a little worried (who wouldnÆt with someone that bizarre threatening them) and lowering his arm slightly. Nobody noticed the small rock pass right through the spot his hand had been an instant ago or the bishonen hiding in a nearby tree frowning at his ruined entrance.

ôIÆm talking about THIS!ö Naruto yelled as he made several dramatic gestures with his hands.

To KankuroÆs extreme surprise, the puppet on his back unraveled itself and jumped onto his shoulders. Before he could react, it locked its legs around his neck and began to beat on his head like a bongo drum as hard as it could.

Kankuro (understandably) flipped the hell out and took off running down the road screaming bloody murder. Naruto immediately followed, standing out like an orange nova in the noon sunlight and cackling like a fiend as he chased the older ninja.

The only person who wasnÆt totally stunned into jaw dropped silence was Gaara of the Desert, who had shown up just in time to witness his older brother get assaulted by his own weapon that was being controlled by a walking acid trip.

He blinked at the sight for a minute, then pulled out the coffee heÆd bought earlier and let it fall to the ground. He had no idea what kind of shit was in this Leaf brand, but he was crazy enough as it was without drinking æspecialÆ ingredients that induced vision quests.

and

Iruka smiled at Naruto, albeit with more than a little confusion. The two ninja were standing in a dark, secluded training ground that was rarely used during the day and was completely deserted at night.

Which was exactly what Naruto wanted.

ôWhatÆd you need to talk to me about, Naruto? We could have just met at the ramen shop, instead of out here in the middle of nowhere at 10:00 PM,ö The schoolteacher said with a somewhat nervous chuckle. Naruto had been acting weird lately, even for him. HeÆd sent him a coded message written in what seemed like blood, they were meeting in the middle of the night like a bunch ofàuh, ninjas, and (most worrisome) Naruto had even covered up that horrific orange armor of his with a menacing, black hooded cloak.

Questions raced through his head: Why was his friend acting so weird(er)? Why meet up in the middle of nowhere? Why did all the bishonen in the village give him the eye whenever he walked by? Why was the sky blue (err, black at this current moment)? Why did the cloth of his forehead protector smell like tuna on hot days?

And why did he feel like he was being eyed by somethingàreptilian?

ôOh, donÆt worry, Iruka-sensei,ö Naruto began, using the shadows of his hood to hide his psychotic grin. ôI have a good reason for meeting out here. I donÆt want any witness- Uh, I mean, I wanted to talk to you about something private.ö

ôPrivate? What about?ö Iruka asked, feeling his nerves grow a little more edgy. Had Naruto just been about to say æwitnesses?Æ Nah, he wouldnÆt do anything bad. He was a weird kid, no debating that, but he wasnÆt evil.

His new sensei on the other handà

Naruto was right next to Iruka so fast the chuunin hadnÆt even seen the Sith Apprentice move. The kitsune wrapped a companionable arm around his former teacherÆs shoulder and said, ôIruka-sensei, weÆve known each other, what? Three? Four years? And weÆve been pretty good friends for most of that time, right?ö

ôUh, to be honest for most of it I wasnÆt really comfortable with the whole Kyuu-ö Iruka started, and paused when he realized that Naruto, who normally barely stood at even height with the chuuninÆs sternum, was now somehow a few inches taller than him.

ôYeah, like I said, real good friends,ö Naruto interrupted with a dismissive wave of his hand. He said in a serious voice, ôNow, Iruka-sensei, you know I like you a lot, right? Precious person and all that? YouÆve been a real pal to me, but IÆve noticed that youÆre always looking out for me and not for yourself. Really, Iruka-sensei, you should pay attention to your own needs sometimes.ö

ôMy own what?ö Iruka asked with a frown. He glanced down at the boyÆs feet. ôAnd are you standing on a hunched over Kage Bunshin?ö

ôFortunately, you have me here to look after you,ö Naruto cheerfully said, ignoring both questions. Wasn't his fault the damn chuunin was so freaking tall. Loudly, he declared, ôI have noticed that though you take care of yourself in almost everyway, thereÆs still one area thatÆs horribly devoid of any form of life.ö

ôWhat the hell are you-ö

ôIruka-sensei,ö Naruto said as he pulled his hood back and leaned in close to the other ninjaÆs face. In a dead serious voice, the Sith Apprentice said, ôWhenÆs the last time you got laid?ö

ôWHAAAAT?!ö Iruka half-bellowed, half-shrieked as only stressed-out teachers can.

ôThatÆs what I thought,ö Naruto casually replied. He squeezed his arm tighter around his friendÆs shoulders and waved his free hand out to the empty field in front of them. ôItÆs a good thing you have me looking out for you, Iruka-sensei, æcause I already got plenty of candidates lined up.ö

And before Iruka could protest further (or beat the living daylights out of the younger shinobi), a large crowd of people emerged from the bushes at the edges of the field. There was a direct ratio between how many people appeared and how low IrukaÆs jaw dropped.

After ten seconds, his jaw was close to his waistband, making Naruto momentarily wonder if he was related to that snake-freak somehow.

ôW-Whaà? Who the hellà? HowÆd youà?ö Iruka babbled at the sight of what appeared to be the KonohaÆs entire population of shinobi between the ages of sixteen and thirty-five.

ôAs you can see, my good friend, IÆve taken the liberty of gathering every potential candidate in the village,ö Naruto said as he swept his gloved hand in a wide gesture across the crowd. Some of the people gathered had some downright creepy grins on their faces, though most had a zombie-like attitude. Naruto grinned and said, ôPick any you like and IÆll make sure you two have a good time together tonight.ö

Iruka just stared at in brain dead silence.

ôNow, now, no need to thank me,ö Naruto said, either misinterpreting or just blatantly ignoring IrukaÆs shell-shocked stupor. ôLike I said, anyone you want.ö

ôWHAT!? ARE YOU INSANE!?ö Iruka roared at the top of his lungs.

ôClinically,ö Naruto answered without missing a beat. ôSo, whoÆs the lucky lady or guy?ö

ôGuy?ö The chuunin squeaked, staring out at the crowd. Sure enough, over half the crowd was male, most of them bishonen at that. Even people he barely knew were there, including that Ibiki freak and that weirdo Ebisu.

ôYouÆve never shown a preference either way in front of me, so I decided to keep your options open,ö Naruto answered cheerfully. ôEven if you do swing that way, you know IÆll still love ya, Iruka-senseiàErr, platonically, of course.ö

ôIÆM NOT GAY, YOU DEMON-POSSESSED MIDGET!!ö Iruka bellowed loud enough to deafen NarutoÆs ear.

ôAre you sure? Getting a little sensitive over it,ö The Sith Apprentice slyly asked, ignoring the jab at his height.

ôYES IÆM SURE, YOU PSYCHOTIC MORON!!ö The schoolteacher screamed at the top of his lungs.

ôHuh, alrighty then,ö Naruto replied with a nonchalant shrug. To the crowd he gave a sharp whistle and yelled out, ôYou heard the man! Everyone with junk that dangles get out of here!ö

The male shinobi were NOT happy about this and even seemed to be considering going against NarutoÆs orders and acquiring Iruka by force, but a stern command enforced by the Mind Trick (and a couple bolts of Force Lighting for the stubborn ones) sent them on their way.

As the crowd was breaking up, both Naruto and Iruka were surprised to find Kakashi still standing there.

ôErr, Kakashi-sensei, I didnÆt know you went for guys,ö Naruto slowly said.

Kakashi suddenly looked up from the book he was reading and said, ôHuh? You say something Naruto? Hey, whereÆd all the guys go? I thought we were having a party.ö

ôYou read Icha Icha at parties?ö Naruto dryly asked. Not really needing a confirmation, he hurried and said, ôSorry, no party. And besides, it seems guys arenÆt welcome to Iruka-Fest.ö

Kakashi blinked at the sight of Iruka turning purple and sputtering with rage and embarrassment. He looked over at the Sith Apprentice and asked, ôIruka-Fest?ö

ôWell, the guys at the copy shop said the acronym for the Get Umino Laid Project was too suggestive for the fliers I wanted to print off, so I changed it to Iruka-Fest,ö Naruto answered while completely ignoring his friendÆs struggles to break free.

ôGet Umino-san laid, huh?ö Kakashi said thoughtfully. His roaming eye took notice of the crowd of young, (mostly) attractive women gathered around them. ôSayàSince Umino-san canÆt possibly handle all theseàapplicants, do you think I can have a couple?ö

ôSorry, gotta wait till we find one or two for Iruka-sensei. Afterwards, help yourself,ö Naruto graciously said. Inwardly he was cackling evilly (much to the annoyance of the Kyuubi), as he finally got the chance to practice one of his masterÆs lessons in evil.

ôGuidelines of Evil and Villainy,ö Chapter XIV, Subsection 11, Article 2: If you have an excessively large surplus of a particular resource (power, money, slaves, magical artifacts, sex toys, magical artifacts that can be used as sex toys, severed body parts, severed body parts that can be used asàYou get the idea), why not offer it to a hero who needs it? It costs you nothing and gets one of those annoying do-gooders in your debt, which (as any smart villain knows) is always a good thing.

àYou may commence with the maniacal laughter now, oh Evil Adept.

Naruto let out a burst of insane and evil laughter, which caused chills to go up IrukaÆs spine and Kakashi toàUhàStand thereàLike he usually does. Reading porn in public.

Err, anywaysà

ôSo, weÆre down to only chicks. Which one do you like Iruka? Just tell me and a little Mind Trick here and youÆll be having a lot of fun over there. Uh, wellàÆthereÆ as in your bedroom or the nearest tree or clump of bushes... Look, just pick, okay?ö Naruto finished, waving an orange gauntlet towards the female crowd.

ôMIND TRICK? You used that stupid Mind Trick to bring all these women here?ö Iruka demanded.

ôErr, actually, not really. I only needed the Mind Trick on the married ones. Most of them came along right away and some of them I couldnÆt keep away. Even with the Mind Trick. And death threats,ö Naruto finished in an annoyed grumble.

ôWhoÆs that?ö IrukaÆs mouth asked before his brain said that was a very bad idea.

ôWellàöNaruto slowly said. ôDid you meet that creepy lady from the second phase of the Chuunin Exams?ö

ôWell, sure, I know Ank-ö Iruka casually started, then froze as absolute fear struck him.

Something reptilian had been watching him.

ôANKO-SAN!?ö He shrieked at a much higher tone than usual.

ôYou called, hot stuff?ö The special jounin in question asked as she stepped out of the crowd. She was eyeing Iruka like a pack of starving, rabid dogs eyes a quadriplegic bunny. Knowing Anko, it was truly difficult to tell if the look she was sending IrukaÆs way was carnal or carnivorous in nature.

Kakashi put away Icha Icha in favor of the soap opera unfolding in front of him.

ôNO! I mean, yes, but no, that is to sayàIàUhàCreeeeepy,ö The last part of IrukaÆs panicked speech was hissed into NarutoÆs ear.

ôI know. ThatÆs why I tried to keep her away, but nothing I did worked,ö Naruto whispered back. ôNone of my Jedi tricks stopped her and she just chopped up all the Storm-troopers I sent after her. That woman scares the shit out of me. She even makes my Master nervous and thatÆs saying something! Although, maybe thatÆs just æcause she checks out his ass every time she sees him. Crazy chick hasn't figured out yet that its half cybernetic.ö

ôI know. SheÆs been like this as long as IÆve known her. SheÆs the last person IÆd ever pick to be my firs-ö Iruka cut off his sentence and forcibly locked his jaw up. His face redder than GaaraÆs hair (or victims), the schoolteacher slowly turned to look at NarutoÆs face to see if the kitsune had heard that last little bit.

Judging from the Sith ApprenticeÆs demented and gleeful grin, the brat had heard.

ôHey everybody!ö Naruto yelled while fending off IrukaÆs attempts to either silence or kill him (or both.) ôGueeeeessss whhhhaaaaaat? Our man of honor is also a man of chastity!ö

The estrogen waves coming off the crowd increased. A rising murmur of sound began to build up.

ôThatÆs right!ö Naruto bellowed, ignoring the chuuninÆs attempts to rip out his tongue. ôOne of you lucky ladies gets the honor of deflowering Umino Iruka!ö

The crowd went dead silent. Iruka held his breath, fearing whatever would come next.

He fervently hoped it wasnÆt him.

The silence was broken by Anko stepping forward a couple paces. Rather than being deterred by the news, she seemed to have been spurned on by it.

Her eyes glittered like a serpentÆs as she hissed out, ôMINE!!ö

Iruka squeaked in fear and broke free of NarutoÆs arm to disappear into the bushes behind them. He was seconds ahead of Anko, who was seconds ahead of the rest of the crowd of female shinobi.

Naruto somehow kept his balance on his cloneÆs back as the thundering stampede swept past him in pursuit of his friend (and his friendÆs æinnocence.Æ) When the last woman stormed into the bushes (a member of the Akimichi clan, judging from her looks and the way the ground shuddered with every step), the Sith Apprentice glanced about.

Noticing only Kakashi in the otherwise empty training field, he said in an awed voice, ôWhoa. Iruka-senseiÆs a pimp!ö

ôSacrificial lamb is more like it,ö ,ö Kakashi calmly replied as he flipped a page in his book, which heÆd gone back to as soon as the show was over.

ôSoàö

ôSoàö

ôàWant to go videotape it and sell it to the losers?ö Naruto suggested with an evil grin.

ôYou got it,ö Kakashi replied as he pulled out a set of keys and hit a button. Nearby, a van was suddenly illuminated as its lights came on and its car alarm chirped. The sliding door automatically rolled back, revealing top of the line surveillance equipment that put Imperial Intelligence teams to shame. The computers and screens all turned on, revealing high resolution, full colored images that were near holographic in quality.

Most were playing various pornos.

NarutoÆs jaw dropped in awe at the sight. Kakashi believed in being prepared (at least when it came to the kinky stuff.)

ôCan you get off my back now?ö The kage bunshin asked.

 

[Lord Raa]

ôDaddy, why havenÆt you arranged a fiancÚ for me?ö Kaolla asked with her arms folded across her chest.

ôThatÆs becauseàö the grey haired man started. Taking a deep breath, he continued. ôThatÆs because the soothsayer said you were going to grow up to be a lesbian.ö

ôOh,ö the blonde shrugged.

The door swung open and in stormed Amalla.

ôWhoÆd have thought that Lamba is so, so crap in bed! I canÆt believe I passed up on the initiation rite a college because I was saving myself for someone so inept a lovemaking, IÆd get more pleasure from sitting on one of the washing machines in a Laundromat! IÆm sorry, Daddy, but IÆm swearing off men.ö the platinum bombshell declared. ôItÆs up to Su to continue the Royal Line now.ö

ôOf course he could have gotten a little mixed up with my daughters,ö the king of Molmol muttered.

- Something I felt the need to write.

It might be the basis for a new fic.

 

[GenocideHeart]

Can someone link me to Of Ramen Fiends and Dark Lords?

 

[armedlord]

Sadly, you have to search on Kraken's Ghost's Livejournal and look somewhere around the entries before January to find some of that story as it is in bits and peices.

 

[zeebee1]

http://krakensghost.livejournal.com/11670.html#cutid1
http://krakensghost.livejournal.com/14252.html#cutid1
http://krakensghost.livejournal.com/22156.html#cutid2
http://krakensghost.livejournal.com/33571.html

 

[Mighty Bob]

Can someone link me to Of Ramen Fiends and Dark Lords?

Still a work in progress I'm afraid, and Kraken is keeping most of it (except for those two snips) to himself until it's completed. Guys been bouncing from jobs and whatnot, and was recently stuck in the middle of Montana doing some sorta dinosaur dig. So gonna be awhile till we get the rest of it I'm afraid. On the upside, he's also doing work on a Revan fic.

 

[toraneko]

(The five genins on the 'Whiny Spoiled Brat Rescue Mission' stand glaring at the Sound Four.)

Neji: Do I look like a bitch!? Do I look like a bitch!? Shikamaru, hand me my lightsaber!

Shikamaru: [Sighs] Which one is it?

Neji: The one that says 'Bad-ass Motherfucker' on it.

Chouji: Err, what's up with Neji? He's not angsty anymore, but he's been acting really weird. And when did he shave his head?

Naruto: [Sheepishly] We had a little accident when I was teaching him the Force. We were trying to summon the specter of a really powerful dead Sith Lord, but when Neji came out of the trance-

Neji: [Starts chopping through the Sound Four with a purple lightsaber, which does indeed have 'Bad-ass Motherfucker' inscribed on the side of it.]

Naruto: -He started channeling the Ghost of Jedi Jackson Past.

Of Ramen Fiends and Dark Lords by Kraken's Ghost, available via the second link zeebee1 posted.

 

[FH_Meta]

I'm waiting more for Of Natural Blonds and Fire Shadows more than Of Ramen Fiends and Dark Lords, even though it has less quotability.

 

[Mighty Bob]

Since FH-Meta mention it, I just had to put in a couple of snips from Natural Blondes and Fire Shadows, hese always make me grin at least:

As luck would have it, this was right before Team 7 was ordered to attempt the assassination of Orochimaru, whoÆd wandered into some other country for one megalomaniacal/pedophilic reason or another. Ino had been both vaguely impressed and really worried when Sakura told her the news.

Ino is vengeful, but sheÆs also loyal. Therefore it made perfect sense to her to hunt Naruto down and bring all her considerable intimidation abilities to bear upon the blonde runt to impress upon him the knowledge that Ino would appreciate him keeping their mutual friend alive.

And that if he failed, running would do him no good.

It was then that Ino suddenly became aware that there is far more to Uzumaki Naruto than meets the eye.

Naruto had drawn himself up to his full height (at the time, still a whopping five inches shorter than her), reached up to casually pry her hands from his jacket, and gave her a glare with burning electric-blue eyes.

ôYou obviously have no idea who the hell I am.ö

With that, the blonde runt turned and walked off without another word. It was five minutes before Ino could get herself to move from her spot. Then sheÆd wandered aimlessly till she found her team pigging at a barbeque bar as usual. It took Shikamaru dryly inquiring about her becoming insectivorous before she realized her mouth had been hanging open the whole time.

And this one always gets a good laugh outta me, sorry if its longish:

Four months prior to his seventeenth birthday, Uzumaki Naruto became the second youngest Kage in history. He settled for coming in second place to Gaara only because he was also the strongest Kage in history (at least he thought so.)

Ino attended the coronation ceremony with a numb, buzzing feeling. She literally wasnÆt thinking of anything. After all, the least likely of their number had just been promoted straight from Genin to Hokage with no warning whatsoever. Please excuse her for being a little stunned

She stood in line next to her teammates along with every other Chuunin and Jounin in the Village, forming an honor guard leading up to the podium where the Godaime stood. Naruto had walked by in surprisingly nice clothes (though still orange) and Ino had noticed that he was almost as tall as her now. The public hadnÆt been allowed to attend en mass, though a few high ranking civilians as well as a couple notable invitees were allowed to come for the ceremony (among their number was that one restaurant owner and his daughter.)

Naruto had bowed before Tsunade, taken the æprotect this and that yadda yaddaÆ vow, and received the HokageÆs hat with great dignity.

àDignity he promptly threw out the window when he asked, ôIÆm Hokage for real now? That canÆt be revoked or anything, right? Good. See you in hell, stupid hat!ö and chucked the HokageÆs hat like a shuriken over the edge of the nearest railing.

InoÆs stunned funk had been broken when she uncontrollably snerked while half the R9/TG and their Jounin-sensei groaned out loud at the display.

NarutoÆs still Naruto, even as a Hokage.

Ino hadnÆt been present for the HokageÆs inauguration speech later that day, but she had been one of the shinobi recruited for crowd control.

Apparently, most of the villagers hated Naruto for some reason.

Apparently, they thought Naruto should be made aware of this, with loud booing and glaring during his hastily written speech.

Apparently, Naruto thought the appropriate response was to drop his pants in front of the entire crowd.

Apparently, NarutoÆs flashing them was enough to cause all of Konohagakure to riot.

Apparently, the sight of the civilians rioting, the Leaf forces being totally distracted, and the Hokage being pants-less was too perfect a situation for Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame to resist making a move to abduct Naruto.

Surprisingly, no one noticed the disappearance of the half-naked Hokage until an explosion collapsed three buildings in the market sector.

If the property damage resulting from a fight between Orochimaru and Naruto is classified as Bad, then the property damage resulting from a fight between Uzumaki æJust-Made-Hokage-I-CanÆt-Be-Confined-By-Anyone-Or-Anything-Even-Boxers-ArenÆt-Free-EnoughÆ Naruto and Uchiha æANBU-Commander-At-Thirteen-You-AinÆt-Nothing-Insolent-Runt-Now-Put-On-Some-Damn-ShortsÆ Itachi is classified as Apocalyptic.

This is just from the prologue, I'm really waiing for the first chapter to come out.

 

[Lord Raa]

ôStatement:ö the droid said over the radio to the semi-conscious pilot, ôI am having a large amount of what can only be described as æfunÆ. The only thing that could make it better would be your screams of agony. Request: Please cry for you mother and/or your impotent god while I butcher your body.ö

ôMercy!ö the pilot screamed as the beam sabre came increasingly close to the cockpit, raising the air temperature around the AriesÆ operator as the titanium alloy armour started to melt.

ôQuery: Mercy?? Activating Analysis module. Conclusion: Meatbag is speaking in a language called æFrenchÆ. Response: Je vous en prie,ö HK-47 said before he continued to whittle away the wreckage of the OZ Mobile Suit.

From my HK-47 as Heero Yuy fic.

 

[Hawk]

ôOh, fear me! I am a master of disguise, even without chakra! I am so good, he shall never notice me as I sneak up behind him!ö Lee said to himself. Then he realized why it wasnÆt a good idea to talk to oneself while sneaking. The bandit spun, saw the bush sneaking up behind him, screamed, and ran off. Lee stared after him, then pulled out his notebook. ôDoà notà talkà whileà sneaking.ö He wrote down.

In the basement of Hokage tower, the interrogation room stood. It currently had two imprisoned cloud ninja, six chunin guards, and Morino Ibiki, head of interrogation. ôThis is your last chance to talk.ö The scarred Jounin stated. ôIf you donÆt, weÆll be forced to call in the heavy artillery.ö

The battered, scarred, and defiant cloud nin looked at each other. ôNever!ö one said. The other nodded his agreement, before spitting in IbikiÆs general direction.

ôVery well.ö Ibiki said. ôI had hoped that we wouldnÆt have to do this.ö He walked over to the door, and pulled it open. Two figures ran into the room. Upon seeing them, all of the leaf ninja cringed, and some even looked at the cloud ninja with pity in their eyes. The two new arrivals stood in front of the prisoners.

ôYOSH!ö Gai shouted. ôWe have been told that you have lost your youthful way! We, the blue and azure beasts of Konoha, shall right your paths, and reignite the fires that burn within you! If we donÆt, then I shall do three hundred backflips!ö

Lee joined in. ôAnd if Gai-sensei fails that, I shall go without sleep for a week!ö

ôAnd if Lee falls asleep before the week is up, I carry our unyouthful guests around for a scenic tour of Fire Country!ö

ôAnd if Gai-sensei is caught by man-eating tigers, I shall save him by throwing rocks at them!ö

ôAnd if Lee should miss, I shall defeat the tigers myself by beating them with my severed arm!ö

ôAnd If Gai-senseiÆs arm should still be attached, I shall sever it for him!ö

ôLee! Your suggestions are most youthful!ö

ôGAI-SENSEI!ö

ôLEE!ö

ôGAI-SENSEI!ö

ôLEE!ö

ôGAI-SENSEI!ö

The interrogators watched as the beasts of Konoha hugged each other with a giant sunset in the background. The two prisoners watched, shaking in terror. Ibiki looked at them pitilessly. ôYou two will be living with them until you decided to talk.ö Ibiki turned back to the hugging, which was still going on. æDear Kami, what have I unleashed?Æ he asked himself.

ôIÆve got it!ö Naruto screamed.

The four other members of his team (and Tazuna) stared at him in confusion. ôUm, Naruto?ö Neji asked. ôWhat exactly have you got?ö

Naruto looked at him, a huge grin engulfing his features. ôMy last bloodline! IÆve opened it! Or, at least part of it.ö He showed them all his bright orange irises. ôIÆve opened my last bloodline, the Nijigan!ö

ôThe Nejigan?ö Gai exclaimed in confusion. ôNeji! My youthful student! I had no idea that you had an entire bloodline named after you! You should have informed me months ago! YOSH!ö

Naruto shook his head in exasperation. ôThe Nijigan, not the Nejigan!ö he exclaimed. ôThe rainbow eye, the bloodline power of the Uzumaki! There are seven forms of it, and IÆve just unlocked the first!ö

The lone girl on the team looked at her boyfriendÆs solid orange eyes. ôWell, theyÆre not that bad looking, honestly. But I prefer the purple shade better. Besides, what does the orange eye do?ö

ôI can see heat!ö

Ten-Ten nodded slowly, realizing that that explained how Naruto had known to react to the æpuddlesÆ that the enemy had been hiding in. ôCan you change em back now?ö she asked. Naruto nodded, and withdrew the chakra from his eyes. They were quickly sent back to their normal, purple, state.

ôOur team is stronger then ever!ö Gai shouted. ôNow, we must question the ninja that you have just knocked out, and find out who their target was!ö

Naruto looked at his crazy sensei. ôUm, they just attacked Tazuna. WouldnÆt it make sense to think that they were after him?ö

ôYOSH! Your youthful brain has deduced the correct answer, Naruto-kun!ö

- All for one by Vesuvius B

 

[bzzt3421]

From Sakura's Harem by Shadow Crystal Mage

Meanwhile, in the special kunoichi classesà
Suzume pushed her glasses up her nose. ôNow, on to the lesson.ö

She flicked her hand towards the board, from which hung a huge picture of Sakura, and a slightly smaller picture of Naruto, as well as a picture of Ino. ôThough in speaking to her we must refer to her as æSakura-chanÆ, you will all refer to her as Sakura-hime at all other times. You will think of her as Sakura-hime at all times.ö

ôShe is Sakura-hime, now and forever!ö the class recited back. ôWe give ourselves to Sakura-hime!ö

Suzume nodded, then pointed at the picture of Naruto. ôNaruto-sama is the PrincessÆs Knight. You will treat him with the respect he deserves as the hero he is. He is the PrincessÆs Right Hand, her Defender in the Light. No matter what others may say about him, we know his true worth, for he is the Guardian of the Princess, Protector of Purity!ö

ôHail Naruto-sama, Guardian of the Princess! Protector of Purity!ö everyone chorused.

Suzume pointed towards the picture of Ino. ôIno-sama. She is the PrincessÆs other best friend, and as such, free of the base desires we mere mortals posses. She alone has the strength to speak to our Princess without being overcome by her beauty. She alone in Konoha may approach the Princess without fear. Yet despite these superhuman abilities, she does not abuse them, seeking only the PrincessÆs companionship as a friend. She is the PrincessÆs Left Hand, her Guiding Wisdom!ö

ôPraise be to Ino-sama! Grant us her strength and fortitude before the Princess!ö the class chorused.

Reaching down, Suzume picked up something with a look of utmost disgust. Laying it against the board, making sure it didnÆt touch any of the other pictures, she impaled it with a kunai. It was a badly abused picture of Uchiha Sasuke, riddled with cuts, holes and other damages. One corner was burnt.

Suzume gave the picture a look of disgust. ôBehold the face of evil!ö she cried, gesturing with another kunai. ôThis is the Dark One who tempts our Princess with his honeyed words and evil intent! He is our greatest enemy, for he may yet manage to turn our Princess to darkness. Behold, our greatest foe, Sasuke The Unworthy!ö

ôFuck you, Sasuke-teme!ö all the girls said, saluting with their middle fingers upraised.

 

[Dark Knight Gafgar]

ôChaos. . .destruction. . .horny cat girls. My work here is done.ö

Lucifer in Lycanthrope 2: The Prophecy by Mister Cynical. Best "Werewolf Shinji" fic trilogy I've ever read.

 

[puckreathof]

More from 'Of Natural Blondes and Fire Shadows'

While Ino is loyal, sheÆs also vengeful. Unfortunately, sheÆs the most vengeful of the Rookie 9, making Uchiha SasukeÆs one-man campaign against his brother seem like a part time hobby.

ThatÆs not an exaggeration.

When Akimichi Chouji, another of Ino's former teammates, commented that Neji and Sasuke were by far the most vindictive of their crowd, the blonde kunoichi simply sniffed, turned up her dainty nose, and said, ôAmateurs.ö

Hyuuga Neji had been sitting in the same ramen bar as the other two Leaf-nins and, naturally, he took great offense to the statement. Then he called Ino out on it. Ino turned in her seat, gave him the baleful glare Team 10 was intimately familiar with, then listed a series of actions and plans describing just exactly how she would go about killing a monstrously powerful and insanely brilliant prodigy or topple the Main Family of the largest Bloodline Clan in Konoha while crippled with a Curse Seal.

Thirty seconds into the monologue, NejiÆs glare intensified. One minute later, it was slacking. Two minutes later, his jaw was hanging open. Five minutes later, he was taking notes. Ten minutes later, he was hunched over together with Ino, collaborating and making an extensive series of elaborate and utterly brilliant plans, while Chouji looked on in mounting horror.

Four days later, Hyuuga Hiashi himself asked the Godaime to never allow his nephew and æthat Yamanaka she-devilÆ to work together on a mission, no matter what the circumstances may call for.

He didnÆt elaborate and Tsunade didnÆt really care to ask, but she did take careful note of his request. Had Hiashi known it was because she was planning on using the two Leaf-nins to topple a small government run by a corrupt feudal lord, the pale man would have died of heart failure on the spot.

After all, any duo that could cause a stuck-up Clan Head to flip out had to be useful for something, right?

Since linkage had not been provided prior