Iruka smiled at Naruto, albeit with more than a little confusion. The two ninja were standing in a dark, secluded training ground that was rarely used during the day and was completely deserted at night.
Which was exactly what Naruto wanted.
ôWhatÆd you need to talk to me about, Naruto? We could have just met at the ramen shop, instead of out here in the middle of nowhere at 10:00 PM,ö The schoolteacher said with a somewhat nervous chuckle. Naruto had been acting weird lately, even for him. HeÆd sent him a coded message written in what seemed like blood, they were meeting in the middle of the night like a bunch ofàuh, ninjas, and (most worrisome) Naruto had even covered up that horrific orange armor of his with a menacing, black hooded cloak.
Questions raced through his head: Why was his friend acting so weird(er)? Why meet up in the middle of nowhere? Why did all the bishonen in the village give him the eye whenever he walked by? Why was the sky blue (err, black at this current moment)? Why did the cloth of his forehead protector smell like tuna on hot days?
And why did he feel like he was being eyed by somethingàreptilian?
ôOh, donÆt worry, Iruka-sensei,ö Naruto began, using the shadows of his hood to hide his psychotic grin. ôI have a good reason for meeting out here. I donÆt want any witness- Uh, I mean, I wanted to talk to you about something private.ö
ôPrivate? What about?ö Iruka asked, feeling his nerves grow a little more edgy. Had Naruto just been about to say æwitnesses?Æ Nah, he wouldnÆt do anything bad. He was a weird kid, no debating that, but he wasnÆt evil.
His new sensei on the other handà
Naruto was right next to Iruka so fast the chuunin hadnÆt even seen the Sith Apprentice move. The kitsune wrapped a companionable arm around his former teacherÆs shoulder and said, ôIruka-sensei, weÆve known each other, what? Three? Four years? And weÆve been pretty good friends for most of that time, right?ö
ôUh, to be honest for most of it I wasnÆt really comfortable with the whole Kyuu-ö Iruka started, and paused when he realized that Naruto, who normally barely stood at even height with the chuuninÆs sternum, was now somehow a few inches taller than him.
ôYeah, like I said, real good friends,ö Naruto interrupted with a dismissive wave of his hand. He said in a serious voice, ôNow, Iruka-sensei, you know I like you a lot, right? Precious person and all that? YouÆve been a real pal to me, but IÆve noticed that youÆre always looking out for me and not for yourself. Really, Iruka-sensei, you should pay attention to your own needs sometimes.ö
ôMy own what?ö Iruka asked with a frown. He glanced down at the boyÆs feet. ôAnd are you standing on a hunched over Kage Bunshin?ö
ôFortunately, you have me here to look after you,ö Naruto cheerfully said, ignoring both questions. Wasn't his fault the damn chuunin was so freaking tall. Loudly, he declared, ôI have noticed that though you take care of yourself in almost everyway, thereÆs still one area thatÆs horribly devoid of any form of life.ö
ôWhat the hell are you-ö
ôIruka-sensei,ö Naruto said as he pulled his hood back and leaned in close to the other ninjaÆs face. In a dead serious voice, the Sith Apprentice said, ôWhenÆs the last time you got laid?ö
ôWHAAAAT?!ö Iruka half-bellowed, half-shrieked as only stressed-out teachers can.
ôThatÆs what I thought,ö Naruto casually replied. He squeezed his arm tighter around his friendÆs shoulders and waved his free hand out to the empty field in front of them. ôItÆs a good thing you have me looking out for you, Iruka-sensei, æcause I already got plenty of candidates lined up.ö
And before Iruka could protest further (or beat the living daylights out of the younger shinobi), a large crowd of people emerged from the bushes at the edges of the field. There was a direct ratio between how many people appeared and how low IrukaÆs jaw dropped.
After ten seconds, his jaw was close to his waistband, making Naruto momentarily wonder if he was related to that snake-freak somehow.
ôW-Whaà? Who the hellà? HowÆd youà?ö Iruka babbled at the sight of what appeared to be the KonohaÆs entire population of shinobi between the ages of sixteen and thirty-five.
ôAs you can see, my good friend, IÆve taken the liberty of gathering every potential candidate in the village,ö Naruto said as he swept his gloved hand in a wide gesture across the crowd. Some of the people gathered had some downright creepy grins on their faces, though most had a zombie-like attitude. Naruto grinned and said, ôPick any you like and IÆll make sure you two have a good time together tonight.ö
Iruka just stared at in brain dead silence.
ôNow, now, no need to thank me,ö Naruto said, either misinterpreting or just blatantly ignoring IrukaÆs shell-shocked stupor. ôLike I said, anyone you want.ö
ôWHAT!? ARE YOU INSANE!?ö Iruka roared at the top of his lungs.
ôClinically,ö Naruto answered without missing a beat. ôSo, whoÆs the lucky lady or guy?ö
ôGuy?ö The chuunin squeaked, staring out at the crowd. Sure enough, over half the crowd was male, most of them bishonen at that. Even people he barely knew were there, including that Ibiki freak and that weirdo Ebisu.
ôYouÆve never shown a preference either way in front of me, so I decided to keep your options open,ö Naruto answered cheerfully. ôEven if you do swing that way, you know IÆll still love ya, Iruka-senseiàErr, platonically, of course.ö
ôIÆM NOT GAY, YOU DEMON-POSSESSED MIDGET!!ö Iruka bellowed loud enough to deafen NarutoÆs ear.
ôAre you sure? Getting a little sensitive over it,ö The Sith Apprentice slyly asked, ignoring the jab at his height.
ôYES IÆM SURE, YOU PSYCHOTIC MORON!!ö The schoolteacher screamed at the top of his lungs.
ôHuh, alrighty then,ö Naruto replied with a nonchalant shrug. To the crowd he gave a sharp whistle and yelled out, ôYou heard the man! Everyone with junk that dangles get out of here!ö
The male shinobi were NOT happy about this and even seemed to be considering going against NarutoÆs orders and acquiring Iruka by force, but a stern command enforced by the Mind Trick (and a couple bolts of Force Lighting for the stubborn ones) sent them on their way.
As the crowd was breaking up, both Naruto and Iruka were surprised to find Kakashi still standing there.
ôErr, Kakashi-sensei, I didnÆt know you went for guys,ö Naruto slowly said.
Kakashi suddenly looked up from the book he was reading and said, ôHuh? You say something Naruto? Hey, whereÆd all the guys go? I thought we were having a party.ö
ôYou read Icha Icha at parties?ö Naruto dryly asked. Not really needing a confirmation, he hurried and said, ôSorry, no party. And besides, it seems guys arenÆt welcome to Iruka-Fest.ö
Kakashi blinked at the sight of Iruka turning purple and sputtering with rage and embarrassment. He looked over at the Sith Apprentice and asked, ôIruka-Fest?ö
ôWell, the guys at the copy shop said the acronym for the Get Umino Laid Project was too suggestive for the fliers I wanted to print off, so I changed it to Iruka-Fest,ö Naruto answered while completely ignoring his friendÆs struggles to break free.
ôGet Umino-san laid, huh?ö Kakashi said thoughtfully. His roaming eye took notice of the crowd of young, (mostly) attractive women gathered around them. ôSayàSince Umino-san canÆt possibly handle all theseàapplicants, do you think I can have a couple?ö
ôSorry, gotta wait till we find one or two for Iruka-sensei. Afterwards, help yourself,ö Naruto graciously said. Inwardly he was cackling evilly (much to the annoyance of the Kyuubi), as he finally got the chance to practice one of his masterÆs lessons in evil.
ôGuidelines of Evil and Villainy,ö Chapter XIV, Subsection 11, Article 2: If you have an excessively large surplus of a particular resource (power, money, slaves, magical artifacts, sex toys, magical artifacts that can be used as sex toys, severed body parts, severed body parts that can be used asàYou get the idea), why not offer it to a hero who needs it? It costs you nothing and gets one of those annoying do-gooders in your debt, which (as any smart villain knows) is always a good thing.
àYou may commence with the maniacal laughter now, oh Evil Adept.
Naruto let out a burst of insane and evil laughter, which caused chills to go up IrukaÆs spine and Kakashi toàUhàStand thereàLike he usually does. Reading porn in public.
Err, anywaysà
ôSo, weÆre down to only chicks. Which one do you like Iruka? Just tell me and a little Mind Trick here and youÆll be having a lot of fun over there. Uh, wellàÆthereÆ as in your bedroom or the nearest tree or clump of bushes... Look, just pick, okay?ö Naruto finished, waving an orange gauntlet towards the female crowd.
ôMIND TRICK? You used that stupid Mind Trick to bring all these women here?ö Iruka demanded.
ôErr, actually, not really. I only needed the Mind Trick on the married ones. Most of them came along right away and some of them I couldnÆt keep away. Even with the Mind Trick. And death threats,ö Naruto finished in an annoyed grumble.
ôWhoÆs that?ö IrukaÆs mouth asked before his brain said that was a very bad idea.
ôWellàöNaruto slowly said. ôDid you meet that creepy lady from the second phase of the Chuunin Exams?ö
ôWell, sure, I know Ank-ö Iruka casually started, then froze as absolute fear struck him.
Something reptilian had been watching him.
ôANKO-SAN!?ö He shrieked at a much higher tone than usual.
ôYou called, hot stuff?ö The special jounin in question asked as she stepped out of the crowd. She was eyeing Iruka like a pack of starving, rabid dogs eyes a quadriplegic bunny. Knowing Anko, it was truly difficult to tell if the look she was sending IrukaÆs way was carnal or carnivorous in nature.
Kakashi put away Icha Icha in favor of the soap opera unfolding in front of him.
ôNO! I mean, yes, but no, that is to sayàIàUhàCreeeeepy,ö The last part of IrukaÆs panicked speech was hissed into NarutoÆs ear.
ôI know. ThatÆs why I tried to keep her away, but nothing I did worked,ö Naruto whispered back. ôNone of my Jedi tricks stopped her and she just chopped up all the Storm-troopers I sent after her. That woman scares the shit out of me. She even makes my Master nervous and thatÆs saying something! Although, maybe thatÆs just æcause she checks out his ass every time she sees him. Crazy chick hasn't figured out yet that its half cybernetic.ö
ôI know. SheÆs been like this as long as IÆve known her. SheÆs the last person IÆd ever pick to be my firs-ö Iruka cut off his sentence and forcibly locked his jaw up. His face redder than GaaraÆs hair (or victims), the schoolteacher slowly turned to look at NarutoÆs face to see if the kitsune had heard that last little bit.
Judging from the Sith ApprenticeÆs demented and gleeful grin, the brat had heard.
ôHey everybody!ö Naruto yelled while fending off IrukaÆs attempts to either silence or kill him (or both.) ôGueeeeessss whhhhaaaaaat? Our man of honor is also a man of chastity!ö
The estrogen waves coming off the crowd increased. A rising murmur of sound began to build up.
ôThatÆs right!ö Naruto bellowed, ignoring the chuuninÆs attempts to rip out his tongue. ôOne of you lucky ladies gets the honor of deflowering Umino Iruka!ö
The crowd went dead silent. Iruka held his breath, fearing whatever would come next.
He fervently hoped it wasnÆt him.
The silence was broken by Anko stepping forward a couple paces. Rather than being deterred by the news, she seemed to have been spurned on by it.
Her eyes glittered like a serpentÆs as she hissed out, ôMINE!!ö
Iruka squeaked in fear and broke free of NarutoÆs arm to disappear into the bushes behind them. He was seconds ahead of Anko, who was seconds ahead of the rest of the crowd of female shinobi.
Naruto somehow kept his balance on his cloneÆs back as the thundering stampede swept past him in pursuit of his friend (and his friendÆs æinnocence.Æ) When the last woman stormed into the bushes (a member of the Akimichi clan, judging from her looks and the way the ground shuddered with every step), the Sith Apprentice glanced about.
Noticing only Kakashi in the otherwise empty training field, he said in an awed voice, ôWhoa. Iruka-senseiÆs a pimp!ö
ôSacrificial lamb is more like it,ö ,ö Kakashi calmly replied as he flipped a page in his book, which heÆd gone back to as soon as the show was over.
ôSoàö
ôSoàö
ôàWant to go videotape it and sell it to the losers?ö Naruto suggested with an evil grin.
ôYou got it,ö Kakashi replied as he pulled out a set of keys and hit a button. Nearby, a van was suddenly illuminated as its lights came on and its car alarm chirped. The sliding door automatically rolled back, revealing top of the line surveillance equipment that put Imperial Intelligence teams to shame. The computers and screens all turned on, revealing high resolution, full colored images that were near holographic in quality.
Most were playing various pornos.
NarutoÆs jaw dropped in awe at the sight. Kakashi believed in being prepared (at least when it came to the kinky stuff.)
ôCan you get off my back now?ö The kage bunshin asked.