Another blade in a second

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#1
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8743293/1/Another-blade-in-a-second

Yes, it's another one of 'someone appears at the hinata' story and the twist is easily seen, but should that stop me? I don't believe it should, as long as I have fun writing the fic, and the readers enjoy what they read.

After I write the next chapter, I'm going to put the fic on Hiatus while I brainstorm where to go next with the fic. I figure about 2-3 months. I'll need the extra time to also write a few chapters ahead.

Does anyone want to help me brainstorm?

----
Alright.... Gonna start a bit of an outline for each chapter or so. It's still in the beginning phases, so expect changes every so often.

Chapter 11

Gonna have a part where Tsuruko points out that Tomoko just destroyed a necessary fail for Motoko.
Tsuruko and Tomoko enter and drag Motoko away, intending on talking with her.
Tsuruko is deeply disapointed with Motoko's actions and deals out a guilt trip. Tomoko is given permission to guide Motoko Through one of two ways
a: Tomoko suggests it instead of being brought back to the Shinmei-ryu
b: Motoko pleads quite a bit. Tsuruko and Tomoko pretend to be swayed a little bit, bot Tsuruko demands that Tomoko stay and make sure that Motoko is on the right path.

They got back to dinner. Motoko is relieved when she isn't going to be sent back. The others inquire about what happened, but None of the Aoyamas speak much of what happened, except that Motoko isn't going back to the shinmei-ryu and will be guided by Tomoko for awhile.

On an urging/teasing of Kitsune, Motoko sneaks around and hears a bit of Tsuruko's and Tomoko's plan. Motoko gets confused and decides to go check with Su if she wants to go see a movie the next day.

Kitsune also sneaks into Su's room, intending on 'borrowing' the invisibilty suits once again. Both Kitsune and Motoko watch what Su is watching and it is the video of Tsuruko's and Tomoko's meeting.

Chapter 12
intended to be a breather chapter.

Kitsune stated that Tomoko is a some kinda criminal. Su brings up the evidence to prove that Tomoko is telling the truth.
Motoko is stunned for a while, but makes plans to either interrogate her future self or to try to merely have a discussion with Su if the evidence can be faked.
Kitsune then leaves for her own room, but debates about telling Naru or not. She also might debate about going after Keitaro herself,either to save Naru and Keitaro from the bad future or to try to get Naru to admit her feelings to Keitaro, even if it winds up destroying Naru's friendship with Kitsune.

Might have a bit of a stinger where Naru had decided to secretly follow Kitsune or Motoko, but also had learned of Tomoko's origins

Chapter 13
Unplanned. Perhaps have Naru tell Mutsumi of Tomoko's secret

Chapter 14
unplanned. Perhaps have Mutsumi confront Tomoko.

Chapter 15
Unplanned. Perhaps have Tsuruko leave the Hinata in this chapter.

Chapter 16
Unplanned. Perhaps do a bit of a flashback chapter of F!Motoko coming in to discover Keitaro's death. Might also do a bit of a flashback where Kuno of Ranma 1/2 really grates on Motoko's nerves.

Chapter 17
Unplanned. Might do a chapter where Su and Tomoko talk a bit and have Su reveal that she knows Tomoko's secret

Chapter 18-20
unplanned. Perhaps do a fight between Tomoko and Motoko?
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#2
I'll put up the chapter up here for review by either late Wednesday or early Thursday.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#3
HotelKatz said:
... it's another one of 'someone appears at the hinata' story ...
I so badly want to spoil WHO that someone is to throw around ideas. Won't make sense without revealing that.

-chronodekar
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#4
Later today, I'll put up a segment of my fic that I need help with.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#5
This is only a part of the chapter. the rest is still being written. To those that haven't already, go check the link in the first post for the story.

The bits with Motoko feel real off to me, but I'm having trouble coming up with something better that still fits the scene. If anyone can think of a way to make the part better or is able to write the parts with her better than I did, I'll give you credit in the disclaimer.

Now to begin the list of people to thank for finding errors and helping me: EagleCeres

-oOoOoOoOo-

“I'm Keitaro Urashima, the Manager and landlord of the Hinata. Motoko will be happy that another one of her relatives has come,” Keitaro said, moving out of the way for Tsuruko to enter.

As she walked in, a brief puzzled expression appeared on Tsuruko's face.

“Who are you referring to, Mr. Urashima?” Tsuruko asked.

“Tomoko Aoyama. She came a day or two ago,” Keitaro answered as he led Tsuruko to the dining room. “”I'm glad Shinobu made extra helpings tonight.”

A slight twitch of a frown crossed Tsuruko's face.

“I apologize for intruding. Had I know you were eating now, I would have come by either later or earlier,” Tsuruko replied.

“It's alright. Motoko's been in a bit of a bad mood. Maybe seeing you will cheer her up?” Keitaro said, as he and Tsuruko entered the dining room.

'Assuming she doesn't panic at the very sight of me....' Tsuruko thought.

Shinobu, Motoko, and Tomoko entered at that moment. Tomoko and Motoko were deep in thought. Tomoko seemed a bit angry, while Motoko seemed a bit depressed.

“Motoko, you have a guest,” Keitaro said when he noticed her.

All but two were curious as they looked at Tsuruko. Motoko's face paled, while Tomoko sighed with some resignation. Tsuruko stared at the two as she was guided to a seat by Keitaro. Shinobu, Motoko, and Tomoko sat down as well.

“Tomoko, I presume?” Tsuruko asked. Tomoko nodded. “We'll need to talk later, after I speak with Motoko.”

“Who are you?” Naru asked.

“I am Motoko's older sister, Tsuruko Aoyama,” Tsuruko answered.

“Actually, if no one minds, I'd like for myself and Tsuruko to leave for a bit to chat privately,” Tomoko said.

“Fine with me!” Naru and Kitsune quickly said.

“If it's important, I say let them,” Mutsumi said with a smile.

“Sister?” Tsuruko asked.

“I think-” Motoko said, before getting interrupted by Kitsune's foot tapping against hers. Motoko looked at Kitsune for a few moments before she realized what Kitsune was doing.

It had been a long time since anyone in the Hinata had communicated in some made-up communication that Su either created or brought from Molmol, but Kitsune was tapping out, 'Got plan solve everything let her go.'

Motoko thought for a few more seconds.

'I want to tell Sister that Tomoko is going to tell her information that is out of proportion, but whatever Tomoko might tell her about me is backed up by Su's computers. I don't want to, but perhaps following whatever plan Kitsune has might be better...' Motoko thought.

“Sister? Is everything alright?” Tsuruko asked with only a small touch of concern in her voice when Motoko was looking down at the floor.

“Yes, I'm fine. You two can.... go...” Motoko uneasily said.

“It if bothers you this much-” Tsuruko replied, before Motoko fixed her with a glare.

“I said you two can go!” Motoko loudly said.

“Anyone else?” Tsuruko asked, as she glanced at Tomoko with a nearly undetectable frown and thought, 'I get the feeling she had done something to bother my little sister...'.

Shinobu and Su shrugged, while Keitaro said in a concerned tone, “Just hurry back.”

“We will,” Tomoko and Tsuruko said at the same time before they left the room.

Keitaro and the rest at the table watched them leave the room. When Keitaro turned around to start eating, he quickly noticed that Naru and Mutsumi were staring at him with a pleading look. Kitsune was also starting at Keitaro, but had an unreadable expression.

“Keitaro.... We need to talk....” Naru muttered.

“Yes, Kei-chan.... It concerns the peace of the Hinata and Tomoko...” Mutsumi said.

“She hasn't caused any problems as far as I know,” Keitaro said.

“She made Naru feel bad,” Mutsumi replied. To her surprise, Keitaro's eyes gained a slight glint of determination.

“She was threatening me in a store when I hadn't done anything. Tomoko asked her a few questions,” Keitaro said.

“Hey! We made a mistake letting you go off with Su and Shinobu, you pervert!” Naru quickly replied. She looked at the two younger girls and asked, “Don't you believe it was wrong of us to leave you with him?”

“N-no...” Shinobu muttered, not liking being stared at when Naru is starting to get angry.

“Heh. It's more like the other way around!” Su replied with a slight giggle.

“Dammit.... he's gotten you to believe a pack of lies....” Naru muttered to herself.

“Naru, not helping with our case...” Kitsune said, as she grabbed one of Naru's shoulders to get her attention. Naru tried to calm down a little.

“When I went to talk to Tomoko earlier, she felt.... Wrong,” Mutsumi said.

“Wrong? How?” Keitaro asked, tilting his head a little in a bit of confusion.

“It's hard to explain, but it was kind of like a purple block in a group of red blocks,” Mutsumi tried to explain.

“That still isn't a good reason to get rid of Tomoko. Maybe ask her to behave herself...” Keitaro muttered.

Naru gestured to Motoko.

“I bet Tomoko said or did something to make Motoko feel bad!” Naru loudly said.

“Motoko, did she?” Mutsumi asked, placing a hand on Motoko's shoulders.

'Tell them what Tomoko did and get her out of the Hinata.... and then Tomoko goes to the Aoyama compound and tells them how I besmirched my honor. Let her stay and I might find a way to get Tomoko to keep silent. But Tomoko has gone off with Tsuruko and Kitsune's plan has proven pointless...' Motoko thought. “Whatever she may have done, it is an Aoyama matter. It does not concern any of you.”

“Ah well.... Guess Tomoko is gonna try to get our Motoko to go back home with whatever she's told your older sister...” Kitsune replied.

“I said it does not concern any of you,” Motoko growled at Kitsune.

“I'm just trying to help you,” Kitsune said, frowning at Motoko.

“And I said-” Motoko replied, before she was interrupted.

“Everyone, just stop!” Keitaro said, getting everyone's attention. “Motoko, what's your thoughts about if Tomoko should stay or leave?”

After a moment, Motoko answered. “As long as she doesn't break the rules, let her stay.”

'And that will allow me to find something to keep her quiet about certain things,' Motoko thought.

“I also vote to let her stay,” Su said in an oddly serious tone, surprising everyone a little bit.

“This wasn't a vote,” Keitaro said, before anyone else could put in their two cents.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#6
chronodekar said:
HotelKatz said:
... it's another one of 'someone appears at the hinata' story ...
I so badly want to spoil WHO that someone is to throw around ideas. Won't make sense without revealing that.

-chronodekar
Katz already nudged us in one direction with Su's DNA testing results.
Wild Mass Guessing: It's either Future!Motoko coming back to fix/atone for her hurting Kei (and maybe set herself up to win) or their Daughter from an alternative future trying to ensure she's born ;)


as for QA
>“Anyone else?” Tomoko asked, as she glanced at Tomoko with a nearly undetectable frown and thought...
Looking at herself? :p
 

jaredstar

Well-Known Member
#7
from what i have read on ff.net and here it is a decent read if nothing else you are the first to get me to dislike mutsumi and one of the few to get me to disllike haruka
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#8
jaredstar said:
from what i have read on ff.net and here it is a decent read if nothing else you are the first to get me to dislike mutsumi and one of the few to get me to disllike haruka
The characterization of them works in that way.
Since Tomoko is the only one truly standing up for Kei and both Mutsumi and Haruka are giving the Hina Girls more credit/passes than they deserve. While not bashing, it feels more like extreme eye opening... and people won't like it because it exposes more flaws in the characters than we're accustomed/ready for.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#9
Thanks EagleCeres, for finding an error. It was supposed to be Tsuruko instead of Tomoko for the first word.

I don't trust myself to beta-read my own work. I can beta-read others' fics, but not my own because I keep missing obvious mistakes in my own fics for some reason.
 
#10
I Just want to say that i am really enjoying your story, so keep up the good work.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#12
To anyone that hasn't read the chapters posted at FFN, this post has spoilers! Then again, anyone reading the reviews and the post by Eagleceres probably already knows what the spoiler is.

Anyone that has a suggestion that might improve this, I'm willing to listen.

-oOoOoOo-

Tomoko and Tsuruko stood in front of the Hinata.

“Shall we speak here?” Tsuruko asked.

“No. Anywhere on the Hinata grounds will have eavesdroppers sooner or later,” Tomoko answered. With a smirk, she said, “Follow me, if you can.”

Tomoko then quickly darted off.

“More childish then I remember Tomoko ever being....” Tsuruko muttered, before starting to chase after Tomoko.

When Tomoko reached the ends of the Hinata grounds and had neared an alley between two buildings, Tsuruko thought that would be where they would speak.

Instead, she was surprised when Tomoko leapt on one wall and then leapt onto the other, before leaping back onto the first. She continued to do this until she was on the roof of one of the buildings.

“Need any help, Tsuruko?” Tomoko asked in a slightly playful manner.

'That's definitely not the Tomoko I remember. The Tomoko I remember was too focused towards duty and had a short temper,' Tsuruko thought as she looked up at Tomoko. “I don't. I'll be up in a second or two.”

Tsuruko walljumped in a similar manner.

“Now, shall we-” Tsuruko asked, before she noticed Tomoko running away onto another building.

“Not here! A block or two away!” Tomoko said with a laugh.

'Whoever she is, she is not Tomoko Aoyama...' Tsuruko thought with a frown as she started to chase after Tomoko. Tsuruko kept a hand on the sword at her side.

Less than a minute later when they were a block away from the Hinata, Tomoko finally stopped on a rooftop.

“This is a good spot to chat,” Tomoko said as Tsuruko landed on the roof.

“Perhaps....” Tsuruko said in a flat tone as she walked towards Tomoko and studied her.

“You don't trust me, do you?” Tomoko asked, in a increasingly fake cheerful manner.

“Tomoko has been away for years on sabbatical. First because she attacked and severely injured someone that wanted to be her firend, then she stayed away because she felt the Shinmei-Ryu was starting to breed hate. I've been working to both decrease their influence and to remove their power over the school,” Tsuruko said.

“One bit of proof of that is Setsuna Sakurazaki's entry into the school,” Tomoko said.

Tsuruko then prepared to pull out her sword to strike at Tomoko and asked, “How do you know that?”

“There is two ways I can answer that. I can either lower my defenses and allow you to see if I am lying or not, or we can duel and you can judge from my body's language if I am telling the truth,” Tomoko asked.

“And what if you've deluded yourself into thinking whatever you say is the truth?” Tsuruko asked.

“I take it you want to try the second method?” Tomoko asked back as she brought a pair of Bokken out of nowhere and tossed one at Tsuruko, who caught it.

“Partially out of a sense that I want to punish you for doing something to Motoko,” Tsuruko answered, deciding to let Tomoko make the first move.

“I only brought up some of her dishonorable actions towards Mr. Urashima,” Tomoko replied, as she seemed to be doing the same as Tsuruko.

“Enlighten me,” Tsuruko asked. She was a bit surprised when Tomoko grew a bit angry.

“Repeated attacks towards Mr. Urashima's person, simply because Motoko was unwilling to listen to any excuse other than Mr. Urashima being a pervert,” Tomoko spat.

“You seem quite angry at that.... More than you should be...” Tsuruko muttered. She grew a bit curious when Tomoko, instead of growing annoyed or angry at her, merely chuckled a tiny bit before Tomoko came in with an overhead strike.

“It is as you might think,” Tomoko replied, as Tsuruko easily blocked the attack. Tomoko then stopped the strike and took a step back before repeatedly trying to attack Tsuruko's sides. “I am not Tomoko, but I am an Aoyama.”

“Who then?” Tsuruko asked, as she was starting to have a bit of difficulty blocking Tomoko's strikes as Tomoko kept increasing in speed.

“Even if I told you, you would not believe it,” Tomoko said, as Tsuruko leapt back and then attacked with a very weak stone-cutting wave, one that had the force of a nasty shove, but couldn't break anything. “Had I arrived a few years later, after Setsuna told of of something that will happen to her when she goes to Mahora academy, you might believe me.”

“What makes you think she'll go to that place?” Tsuruko asked, as she watched Tomoko dodge the attack by leaping off to the side and then Tomoko returned her own version. Tsuruko dodged it by jumping up in the air.

“She does because her friend Konoka Konoe will go there. Even if you forbid her, she'll still go,” Tomoko answered, as she dashed towards Tsuruko as the latter landed. Tomoko tried to attack with a simple strike from the side, but Tsuruko blocked it.

“I believe I've seen enough. Tell me who you really are,” Tsruko ordered. Tomoko then stopped trying to attack and put her bokken at her side.

“Very well. I had hoped I would have had more time, but the way I came here wasn't very precise and it was only one way,” Tomoko said, as she walked away from Tsuruko to look at the Hinata. Tsuruko felt Tomoko lower down her own spiritual defenses, making any ki attack against Tomoko have a high chance of being a fatal one. After a few moments, she faced Tsuruko with a sad smile and said seven words.

Tsuruko then tapped the side of her head in some odd way of cleaning out her ears and said, “Could you repeat that? I thought you said something insane.”

Tomoko then repeated, “I am Motoko Aoyama from the future.”

After a few more moments, Tsuruko angrily asked, “Do you know how insane that sounds to me, how much of a lie that sounds?”

“I admit, it does sound like an insane lie, but in the original timeline, You came here to bring me back to the Shinmei-Ryu, I then panicked and claimed that Mr. Urashima was my fiance. That lie was more believable, however,” Tomoko answered.

“That does sound like something that Motoko would do, but I do not believe that you are her from the future,” Tsuruko replied.

“I lowered down my defenses. If I am lying, then even a novice would be able to detect if anything I say is a falsehood,” Tomoko said.

A minute or two passed as Tsuruko studied Tomoko.

“Let's say I believe you. Why did you come back to this time?” Tsuruko asked.

“Actually, I tried to come back to an earlier time, when Mr. Urashima first came to the Hinata. I came here roughly about two months ago. I wish had had come back earlier, to avoid a big mistake that I had made, But Su's time portal machine isn't very accurate,” Tomoko answered with some anger in her voice.

“And what might that be?” Tsuruko asked, as her anger started to fade a bit when she didn't see any signs of lying. She still was wary of Tomoko.

“My past self joined the other girls in prosecuting Mr. Urashima when we all thought that he slept with Ms. Otohime. We were wrong. She sleepwalked and fell into his room,” Tomoko said, as long buried guilt appeared on her face.

“So why didn't you come earlier, when you had the chance?” Tsuruko asked.

“I needed to build up some money, in case I decided to talk Mr. Urashima into leaving the Hinata with me or to gain his trust if a situation arose where he needed a lot of money fast,” Tomoko answered.

A few moments passed.

“If you really are Motoko's future self-”Tsuruko said, before Tomoko raised her hand to silence her.

“Future self from a no longer viable timeline. In my timeline, no one named Tomoko Aoyama ever appeared,” Tomoko said. Tsuruko grew a bit angry when she heard that.

“As I was saying, If you are Motoko's future self, then tell me something that she and I only know,” Tsuruko ordered.

Tomoko's sad smile gained a wicked gleam as she pulled out a folded sheet of paper and tossed it at Tsuruko. Tsuruko grabbed it and opened it up to read it. Tomoko grinned as Tsuruko's faced turned red from embarrassment.

“Is that proof enough?” Tomoko asked as she watched Tsuruko tear the sheet to shreds before tossing the shreds into the air to burn them with the Thunderclap Sword technique.

“Since Motoko would never reveal that to anyone, I'll believe who you claim to be,” Tsuruko replied before fixing Tomoko with a glare. “But if you are my sister and are from the future, you are extremely selfish.”

“Selfish? You don't even know why I came in the first place!” Tomoko loudly said back.

“Then enlighten me, since you didn't tell me why when I asked,” Tsuruko said.

“I came back in time to prevent Urashima's death!” Tomoko yelled.

“Does your timeline still exist or has it been over written?” Tsuruko asked, crossing her arms. Tomoko thought about it for a second or two.

“Since I still exist, I assume it exists, but I cannot return to it,” Tomoko answered.

“Then since you cannot return and you stated that the accuracy of the time portal machine isn't very accurate, then everyone you left will be mourning two people instead of one,” Tsuruko replied.

“They.... They will not be mourning me, only Urashima!” Tomoko loudly declared.

“How will they know you've gotten to this time period? Can you communicate with them?” Tsuruko asked.

“No...” Tomoko growled.

“Then they might as well be mourning you. They have no idea you might still be alive,” Tsuruko said.

“You know nothing! If Person A does not contact Person B, should Person B assume that Person A is dead?” Tomoko yelled.

“But as you said, The Timeline you came from is not this timeline's future. If they send anyone else back, they will go to a different timeline, one that you are not in,” Tsuruko explained. “As far as they know, you are possibly alive, but they have no way of making sure.”

Tomoko felt a cold chill go down her spine as her anger vanished.

“Surely you must have realized this during the two months you spent getting money for emergencies...” Tsuruko said, as she uncrossed her arms and began walking around Tomoko.

“I... I didn't....” Tomoko quietly muttered.

Tsuruko sighed. The desperation on Tomoko's face and the fact that Tomoko's aura was giving signs that she was honest, finally let Tsuruko know that Tomoko was Motoko from the future.

“On one hand, it is heartening to know that you made a choice and followed though with it. On the other hand, I am disappointed that you didn't consider the effects of your choice and how it would effect others,” Tsuruko said, hugging Tomoko from behind.

“...Thanks, I guess....” Tomoko whispered.

“So how did he die?” Tsuruko asked. Tomoko looked at the ground.

“We all thought he was immortal, that he could take any attack without lasting harm. He volunteered to help with the Shinmei-Ryu by being an assistant whenever he could. He helped Su with her inventions. We all should have know that no one can take that abuse for a long time without repercussions...” Tomoko quietly explained as shame, anger, and sorrow showed on her face. She then spat with hate in her voice, “Especially Narusagawa....”

“What did she do to gain such hate from you?” Tsuruko asked, as she let Tomoko go.

“She married him. Any time she felt he stared too long at someone, she hit him. Any time she felt under-appreciated, she hit him. Any time she felt that he was making her look bad by treating her to anything, she hit him. The rest of us should have know his warm smile was turning fake and hollow. Eventually, She hit him because she wasn't sure if she wanted kids or not and all he said was that he would support her in any decision that she made about it. The years of getting hit by everyone sapped his will to live and that hit... wound up... killing him,” Tomoko said, as she started crying near the end.

Tsuruko hugged her again. Tomoko quickly turned around and hugged Tsuruko back.

“I understand. If anyone could turn back the clock to save a loved one, not many would pass up the offer...” Tsuruko muttered, as she waited for Tomoko to finish crying and calm down.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#13
I'm going to post a better ending to the chapter later today.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#14
Doesn't feel quite right, but seems like a good endpoint for the chapter for now.

-oOoOoOo-

When Tomoko finally stopped crying, she let go of Tsuruko.

“So what do you plan on doing, now that I know your read identity?” Tsuruko asked.

“I plan on helping and supporting Mr. Urashima, and possibly set him up with my past self,” Tomoko answered.

“Are you sure?” Tsuruko asked.

“Yes, that is my plan. Is something wrong with it?” Tomoko asked back, with annoyance in her tone.

“Are you sure that you won't try to win Urashima for yourself? As in the you-you, not for your past self?” Tsuruko asked, tilting her head a little. She smiled a bit when Tomoko looked away with a blush.

“Don't be absurd! I don't deserve him!” Tomoko said through gritted teeth.

“He might think otherwise, if you support him when no one else is helping him,” Tsuruko asked.

“I just have to change my past self's view point enough to have her seek redemption for what's she's done so far,” Tomoko answered as she leapt down to the ally below. Tsuruko followed after her.

“Is it related to her despondent state?” Tsuruko asked.

“All I did was point out a few things she's done towards Mr. Urashima and threaten to tell you and the everyone else at the Shinmei-Ryu about them,” Tomoko answered as she and Tsuruko walked out of the alley and began to head back to the Hinata.

“I'm interested about that and what happened in your timeline. Care to tell me?” Tsuruko replied.

“Only if we can come up with a plan to help my past self get together with Mr. Urashima afterwords,” Tomoko said.
 
#15
ah The best laid schemes of mice and men / Often go awry.
who bets that Tomoko and Keitaro find affection for eachother, Motoko goes even more into denial and Keitaro makes friends outside the Hina girls (maybe he even befriends Tsuruko).
 

DhampyrX2

Well-Known Member
#16
I would pay money to have had Motoko and Kitsune somehow manage to eavesdrop on this conversation. Especially Motoko given that it would force her to confront what she feels about Keitaro already. And she would have to contend with the concept of competing with herself for him.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#17
Well, I do plan on putting the fic up at FFN on either Friday or Saturday. So if anyone else has ideas for possible changes before Saturday, I'm willing to listen and see if I can make the changes if I like them.

At the moment, I plan on Tomoko and Tsuruko keeping Tomoko's real identity a secret. But DhampyrX2's idea does sound like it'd be quite fun. Perhaps I'll do it in a later chapter when Tsuruko returns, if I decide to have her leave the Hinata, that is. I'm debating about having her stay.

So when I do go to write that scene/chapter, will you help me with it by discussing what might/could/would happen during it, DhampyrX2?

Then again, I could somewhat still do it in this chapter via hidden spy-Tamabots... Should I do that?
 

DhampyrX2

Well-Known Member
#18
HotelKatz said:
Well, I do plan on putting the fic up at FFN on either Friday or Saturday. So if anyone else has ideas for possible changes before Saturday, I'm willing to listen and see if I can make the changes if I like them.

At the moment, I plan on Tomoko and Tsuruko keeping Tomoko's real identity a secret. But DhampyrX2's idea does sound like it'd be quite fun. Perhaps I'll do it in a later chapter when Tsuruko returns, if I decide to have her leave the Hinata, that is. I'm debating about having her stay.

So when I do go to write that scene/chapter, will you help me with it by discussing what might/could/would happen during it, DhampyrX2?

Then again, I could somewhat still do it in this chapter via hidden spy-Tamabots... Should I do that?
I'd be happy to offer any feedback I could to help move the story along. That's half the reason TFF exists in the first place, after all. As for potential spies here and now, I leave that up to you. Kitsune using Tamabots would certainly work, or I could see Tsuruko somehow missing Motoko's arrival and presence once Tomoko let down her mental shields as they are essentially the same person. Deferring it to another chapter would work well too. I don't want to mess up the mental outline you have in your head for the story by any means.

I do wonder how Motoko would deal with the revelations, though? Not only is Tomoko really an older version of herself, but she's trying to groom Motoko to get together with Keitaro. And if that wasn't disturbing enough for her, you have the very worrisome mental image of Keitaro dying at Naru's hands. That could become nightmare fodder for Motoko really fast once she thinks over the implications of it. It could become the jumping point for the real soul searching Motoko needs to grow as a person. And Ironically, if Tsuruko does manage to get Tomoko to pursue Keitaro, she might have the growth just in time for the two to end up at odds over him.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#19
Thanks for the ideas, DhampyrX2.

Actually, I've just reached the end of my outline of the fic with this chapter. So the fic is going on hiatus because I need some time tp make another outline for some more chapters.

If I do decide to have Kitsune and Motoko know about Tomoko's secret, I think I might try to have Kitsune try her best to pair up Keitaro and Naru, hoping that if she does it in a peaceful way, it won't end in tragedy. Kitsune's attempts will fail because, Naru will keep on thinking that Kitsune is up to something, and Keitaro will starting thinking the same after awhile. That is, if Kitsune believes Tomoko is telling the truth.

Having the Tamabots spy on Tomoko's and Tsuruko's meeting makes the Tamabot's brief mention in chapter 7 into a Chekhov's gun.

As for how Motoko would deal with the revelations, that's up in the air. She might deny everything, accept what Tomoko and try to prevent it from happening, or decide to call the funny farm on Tomoko because she believes that Tomoko is insane by claiming to be from the future.

The idea of Motoko competing with her future self for Keitaro's heart is pretty amusing.

I think I'll write an omake that is not connected with the story at all.

In it, Kitsune meets with her futute self. Both agree to work together to win over Keitaro. Kitsune then asks her future self a question and that question will be, "If we both have Keitaro's babies, will they be siblings or cousins?"

Future Kitsune will be unable to answer.
 

DhampyrX2

Well-Known Member
#20
I would think the fact Tsuruko accepts it as truth would be enough to help convince Motoko of Tomoko's true identity. Of course knowing the truth and being able to accept it aren't always the same thing. I could see Motoko trying to turn Tomoko against Keitaro to hold onto her own crumbling belief in his perversions only for Tomoko to smile and reply that Motoko needs to do more than that to try to scare off her competition but that it's cute she's willing to fight for her man.
 

Solaris

Well-Known Member
#22
Hmm, I think there should be some more betrayal and regret. Because despite the death of Keitaro, Naru and Motoko were friends and that has to hit hard that the man you loved died to one of your best friends. There also should be the guilt associated with the fact that she was complicit to his death since none of them helped him and in fact aided in the 'discipline'. A 'there is no innocent party' kind of thing.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#23
Thanks for pointing that out, Solaris. That would shape how Tomoko and/or Motoko would treat Naru, Su and Kitsune in a few upcoming chapters.
 

DhampyrX2

Well-Known Member
#24
Just an idle thought, but what was Kanako's relationship like with future!Motoko after Keitaro's death? You know assuming she isn't doing life without parole for gutting Naru like a fish. I mean it would seem given how Tomoko has accepted her feelings that she and Kanako might get along in her timeline. And since you implied that this is near Burn-Up Blade, it's not THAT far off until Kanako arrives at the Inn, relatively speaking. It might be interesting to see how Tomoko would interact with her.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
#25
I have my own comments about the snippets posted so far - mostly grammar mistakes/story-telling conventions. It's just too ... inconvenient to do it by quoting the sections.

Ehh... what the heck. I'll do just that in the next post. Gimme a few minutes.

On the matter of evesdropping, if you have Kitsune/Motoko find out the truth, then you should also have Naru overhearing their conversation, which eventually spreads to the rest of the Hinata household EXCEPT for Keitaro. It would truly be another Love Hina situation then.

Time-travel is a funny thing. But I'm against the idea of Tomoko staying around indefinitely. Something I would like is if Tomoko somehow 'vanished' after settling the 'worries in her heart'. Make up some excuse from Suu that the time-travel was dependent on it or something - after Tomoko achieved her objective, she returns to her own time-line or something.

If you are feeling in some angsty mood, have Naru unwittingly kill Tomoko. Though, that might make things a bit too grim.


Another idea,

instead of everyone hearing about the story (indirectly) from Tsuruko, why not have Suu mention her concerns to everyone at the Inn, EXCEPT Motoko? That way, you have everyone walking on egg-shells. They can't tell Tomoko that they know about her and are really curious as to why she came.

Motoko would be wondering what everyone was jumpy about ... and ...

well, that's all I've got for now. Have this report I need to submit tomorrow and I'm waay behind schedule. Dammit! I'm a horribly UN-organized person... :(

-chronodekar
 
Top