Dear Professor McGonagall:
First off, don't bother replying to this letter. The only reason we sent it at all is because we need a formal refusal on the books to get rid of whatever charms allowed the Registration Book to be able to track me. Therefore, you may consider this letter my rejection of any and all offers to enroll as a student at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I have no desire to attend, and should I ever lose my sanity enough to reconsider, my legal guardian would deny me permission to attend anyway.
My guardian reminds me that Dumbledore can't understand subtlety, so I'll say it again more clearly: not only no, but HELL no. Assuming you ever find us in the first place (and rest assured we've already moved without forwarding address, placed ourselves under maximum-strength owl wards, and sterilized our old house with crime scene charms), you will have to drag me to that castle kicking and screaming the entire way, and then use the Imperius Curse to keep me in it.
And no, you can't invoke the laws that forbid Muggle relatives to deny a witch or wizard access to magical education. One, I'm already getting one via private tutors. And two, my legal guardian (so ruled by the magical court system of the place where we were living) is not a Muggle but a wizard.
Yes, that means I'm no longer living at the Dursleys. And make sure to tell your Headmaster Dumbledore that I'd sooner attend the Australian Institute of Magical Toxicology while naked, blindfolded, and under the influence of a permanent Fumble-Fingers Jinx before I'd choose to return to the Dursleys, or to go anywhere near that overrated deathtrap you call a school.
Yes, I'm aware of your oft-touted claim that Hogwarts is allegedly "the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world". I am also aware that only the complete lack of any laws regarding false advertising or libel in the legal code of Magical Britain keeps your faculty from all being introduced face-first to Dementors for having dared to make such an outrageously false claim in public.
For the record, out of the last ICW survey of accredited magical educational institutions in its size category, Hogwarts overall rating was as #75 out of 77 entrants. So congratulations, you're still ahead of such shining educational institutions as the Kwikspell Vocational College and Cauldron Repair Shop and the Chicago Magical Public School District, even if you've slipped behind the Magical Symposium of Mogadishu (#74) again in this year's rankings. Of course, that's because they finally re-opened classes again after the ongoing civil war had closed down their campus for most of the previous decade, which is the only reason you'd ever beaten them out in the first place.
In addition to your extremely low quality of curriculum and mediocre test results among your graduating classes, there is also the issue of your employment of a known Death Eater as not only a senior professor but the head of one of the four houses. A Death Eater who I am reliably informed had an obsessive hatred of my father and a rather perverse unrequited lust for my mother, which culminated in his requesting the Dark Lord to murder my father and give my mother to him as his sex slave. Or were you aware that's what Snape originally asked for, and that 'redeeming' and going to Dumbledore was only his second choice? You might want to bring that up with him at the next staff meeting; I'm sure Dumbledore 'forgot' to mention it to anyone. However, that's between you and him; I intend to deal with the problem of Severus Snape by never willingly going within a thousand miles of him until I'm old and skilled enough to pull his internal organs out through his ears. I have no intention of meeting him in any context other than at wandpoint, much less of submitting to him as someone in a position of authority over me.
My legal guardian would now like to take this moment to send Dumbledore a message:
Albus, you miserable bastard. Anyone who lets a man rot in Azkaban for ten years when he knew full well that he was innocent all along (and trust me, Minerva, he did -- Albus was present at the casting of the Fidelius Charm, so he entirely knew that the real Secret-Keeper was Peter Pettigrew and we were only saying it was Sirius Black as a cover), simply because it furthers whatever sick agenda they have going, is a despicable and cowardly individual who deserves no respect even as a human being, much less as a so-called 'Leader of the Light'. I spit upon you and all those sheep who are stupid enough to follow you. James and Lily were my best friends, and you led them to their deaths. Sirius was my best friend, and you let him die in prison so you could hang on to Harry's custody -- something that was never rightfully yours to begin with. And I will forever be ashamed that it took Sirius' death last year to motivate me to begin investigating things for myself rather than simply accept what you told me about Harry's situation and the reasons I shouldn't seek him out, but I thank Merlin I reached him just in time to prevent him from becoming another one of your pawns.
In conclusion, feel free to fly to Hell on a broom riding side-saddle.
Harry Potter
and
Remus Lupin