Harry Potter Hogwarts Rejection Letters
- Thread starter whitewhiskey
- Start date
The T-virus is pretty much magic anyway, what with the way it defies all laws of physics and biology, especially the laws of conservation of matter. I could totally see Umbrella employing both mad scientists and necromancers in order to create zombies with techno-magic. It wouldn't feel out of place to the setting at all.
Dang, now I want someone to create a resident evil mod with Harry as the protagonist and he has to fight his way through an infected Hogwarts, avoiding zombified trolls and centaurs and saving survivors, with a boss fight against mutated Snape, culminating in a final showdown with Albert Wesker who has been possessed by Voldemort.
Dang, now I want someone to create a resident evil mod with Harry as the protagonist and he has to fight his way through an infected Hogwarts, avoiding zombified trolls and centaurs and saving survivors, with a boss fight against mutated Snape, culminating in a final showdown with Albert Wesker who has been possessed by Voldemort.
Dear Hogwarts,
My adoptive mother forbids me from going to Hogwarts. Something, it seems, that has to do with how much of the greater world has turned against her from her heydays, shunning her work, driving her to become what she has become now a days. I am inclined to agree with her. If nobody can catch her, she clearly must know her magical spells.
If you really wish to find me, don't. It's impossible.
Regards,
Harry Sandiego
My adoptive mother forbids me from going to Hogwarts. Something, it seems, that has to do with how much of the greater world has turned against her from her heydays, shunning her work, driving her to become what she has become now a days. I am inclined to agree with her. If nobody can catch her, she clearly must know her magical spells.
If you really wish to find me, don't. It's impossible.
Regards,
Harry Sandiego
Okay, let's try this,
Professor McGonagall,
I am afraid I am going to have to decline the offer. It is not that I don't appreciate it (because I do. You have no idea how much easier my life would be. That funny uncle would certainly take longer to find me), but long term commitment just isn't me.
What can I say? I am too in love with Freedom to tie myself down to the same place for seven years.
Lupin IV
P.S.- About the little red stone you were keeping, I am sorry, but it is too good a fit for my pocket.
Professor McGonagall,
I am afraid I am going to have to decline the offer. It is not that I don't appreciate it (because I do. You have no idea how much easier my life would be. That funny uncle would certainly take longer to find me), but long term commitment just isn't me.
What can I say? I am too in love with Freedom to tie myself down to the same place for seven years.
Lupin IV
P.S.- About the little red stone you were keeping, I am sorry, but it is too good a fit for my pocket.
Albus Dumbledore,
From here forward Harry will be attending your school no longer, given the incidents involving your Wizarding Games. Thanks to your gross negligence in protecting my son, I will have to take matters into my own hands regarding these so-called 'Death Eaters' and their Dark Lord. My people and myself will be in England soon to discuss matters personally.
Wizards are still human, Mr. Dumbledore. And I've yet to see any man, magic or muggle, take a 7.62x55mm round directly to the forehead and live to tell of it.
Sincerely,
S. Pavlovena
From here forward Harry will be attending your school no longer, given the incidents involving your Wizarding Games. Thanks to your gross negligence in protecting my son, I will have to take matters into my own hands regarding these so-called 'Death Eaters' and their Dark Lord. My people and myself will be in England soon to discuss matters personally.
Wizards are still human, Mr. Dumbledore. And I've yet to see any man, magic or muggle, take a 7.62x55mm round directly to the forehead and live to tell of it.
Sincerely,
S. Pavlovena
Just had this pop into my head
----------
Vernon Dursley stared at the two girls in front of him, standing in the middle of his sitting room. Neither one looked more than maybe five years older than his own boy, but both had him scared shitless.
Possibly because they both had red skin, spade tails, wings and horns.
"You want fame and money, don't you Mr. Dursley?" The one horned girl asked
"'I'd sell my soul', you did say the magic words, Mr. Dursley," The darker haired one pointed out, "And with such conviction, too."
Vernon flinched at the word 'Magic'. He'd never really thought something like this would happen. He'd been having a bad week, mostly because he got passed over for a promotion for the dumb-ass, fresh from university son of the CEO. Add into that, he had to do extra work for the lazy bastard, and one frustrated utterance later, he was staring down a pair of demons. Needless to say, he was as scared as any normal, church going man would be.
Using speed he hadn't shown since his youth, Vernon bounded over the couch and ripped a crucifix from the wall, pointing it at the pair, "BEGONE DEMONS!"
...
....
.....
...Nothing, there was only silence.
The lighter haired one adjusted her glasses, "I will applaud the fact that that was probably the most exorcize you've done since the sixties, Mr. Dursley, but we do have other appointments. So, if you would please," She motioned him towards his chair, but her attention was caught but a glimpse of something under the stairs. It was only for a moment, but that was long enough.
"L-look," Vernon stuttered out, "It's just been a bad week, I-I really didn't mean-"
"So I take it you're scared of losing your soul," Glasses asked, "Then what if we offered an alternative?"
"A-alternative?"
The other demon looked surprised as well. Normal protocol for a hesitant 'client' was deceptions and half truths, 'What do you really need your soul for?', 'It's like an appendix.', 'Do you really think hell is that bad?'. But alternatives were one of the last resorts, and usually required authorization from higher-ups (figuratively speaking, of course).
Glasses simply sat and straightened her skirt, "Yes, Mr. Dursley, all we really need is a soul, like, say, the boy under your stairs."
Vernon looked to be ecstatic as the other demon pulled her partner close, lowly hissing in another language "Kneesocks-san, what in Lucifer's name are you doing?"
"Trust me, Onee-sama, the fat whale's soul is coming our way eventually anyway, but that boy, I can sense another soul in him, an evil one that could very well be a boon to our future, besides, think about it," Kneesocks pulled her sister close, "A boy who will grow into a man, a man we can shape, a man who will follow our Ruruus, the perfect man for us, and we still get another soul for our quota."
The other demon growled, thinking for a moment, before sighing, "If you're wrong, YOU will have to explain this to our superiors, children's souls are almost useless to them."
Smiling, Kneesocks turned back to Vernon, "So, Mr. Dursley, do we have a deal?"
Three weeks later, Vernon Dursley was indeed rich and was on the front page of every major European paper...
...As the mastermind of the biggest pension fraud in history, charges that were only aggravated when the neighbors noticed the sudden disappearance of the Dursley's nephew and the lack of a missing persons report, neither of which Vernon had any explanation for.
----------
Vernon Dursley stared at the two girls in front of him, standing in the middle of his sitting room. Neither one looked more than maybe five years older than his own boy, but both had him scared shitless.
Possibly because they both had red skin, spade tails, wings and horns.
"You want fame and money, don't you Mr. Dursley?" The one horned girl asked
"'I'd sell my soul', you did say the magic words, Mr. Dursley," The darker haired one pointed out, "And with such conviction, too."
Vernon flinched at the word 'Magic'. He'd never really thought something like this would happen. He'd been having a bad week, mostly because he got passed over for a promotion for the dumb-ass, fresh from university son of the CEO. Add into that, he had to do extra work for the lazy bastard, and one frustrated utterance later, he was staring down a pair of demons. Needless to say, he was as scared as any normal, church going man would be.
Using speed he hadn't shown since his youth, Vernon bounded over the couch and ripped a crucifix from the wall, pointing it at the pair, "BEGONE DEMONS!"
...
....
.....
...Nothing, there was only silence.
The lighter haired one adjusted her glasses, "I will applaud the fact that that was probably the most exorcize you've done since the sixties, Mr. Dursley, but we do have other appointments. So, if you would please," She motioned him towards his chair, but her attention was caught but a glimpse of something under the stairs. It was only for a moment, but that was long enough.
"L-look," Vernon stuttered out, "It's just been a bad week, I-I really didn't mean-"
"So I take it you're scared of losing your soul," Glasses asked, "Then what if we offered an alternative?"
"A-alternative?"
The other demon looked surprised as well. Normal protocol for a hesitant 'client' was deceptions and half truths, 'What do you really need your soul for?', 'It's like an appendix.', 'Do you really think hell is that bad?'. But alternatives were one of the last resorts, and usually required authorization from higher-ups (figuratively speaking, of course).
Glasses simply sat and straightened her skirt, "Yes, Mr. Dursley, all we really need is a soul, like, say, the boy under your stairs."
Vernon looked to be ecstatic as the other demon pulled her partner close, lowly hissing in another language "Kneesocks-san, what in Lucifer's name are you doing?"
"Trust me, Onee-sama, the fat whale's soul is coming our way eventually anyway, but that boy, I can sense another soul in him, an evil one that could very well be a boon to our future, besides, think about it," Kneesocks pulled her sister close, "A boy who will grow into a man, a man we can shape, a man who will follow our Ruruus, the perfect man for us, and we still get another soul for our quota."
The other demon growled, thinking for a moment, before sighing, "If you're wrong, YOU will have to explain this to our superiors, children's souls are almost useless to them."
Smiling, Kneesocks turned back to Vernon, "So, Mr. Dursley, do we have a deal?"
Three weeks later, Vernon Dursley was indeed rich and was on the front page of every major European paper...
...As the mastermind of the biggest pension fraud in history, charges that were only aggravated when the neighbors noticed the sudden disappearance of the Dursley's nephew and the lack of a missing persons report, neither of which Vernon had any explanation for.
To whom it may concern,
We received your letter with some degree of concern. My little sweetheart came to my care under tragic circumstances and has no memory of his birth name. Despite his accent, I'd taken to calling him Manuel, and that's the name he's gotten used to responding to. Imagine our surprise to learn that his real name is actually Harry Potter, but he refuses to answer to it.
Nevertheless, while it has come as no surprise to me that my dear Manny is magical, he's brought such joy to my life after all. That said, I'm afraid I couldn't possibly part with him and certainly not for a whole ten months of the year. To not have him with me would be a terrible tragedy.
As such, I will not be sending him to Hogwarts. In fact I found your offer letter to be presumptuous and even offensive. Please expect me to stop by and discuss this letter in the near future.
Love and kisses,
Harlene Quinnzel
We received your letter with some degree of concern. My little sweetheart came to my care under tragic circumstances and has no memory of his birth name. Despite his accent, I'd taken to calling him Manuel, and that's the name he's gotten used to responding to. Imagine our surprise to learn that his real name is actually Harry Potter, but he refuses to answer to it.
Nevertheless, while it has come as no surprise to me that my dear Manny is magical, he's brought such joy to my life after all. That said, I'm afraid I couldn't possibly part with him and certainly not for a whole ten months of the year. To not have him with me would be a terrible tragedy.
As such, I will not be sending him to Hogwarts. In fact I found your offer letter to be presumptuous and even offensive. Please expect me to stop by and discuss this letter in the near future.
Love and kisses,
Harlene Quinnzel
To whom it may concern,
This is little more than a courtesy letter, ideally so you don't do anything stupid like try to 'rescue' your so-called 'Savior of the Wizarding World'. I can personally assure you that Harry is perfectly fine and living in a loving home with a wonderful family; a family we chose for him, so good luck trying to take him back, that is if you decide to be dumb enough to do so. As an aside, once he's old enough, we'll be sending him to a educational institution of our choosing that caters to individuals with powers and abilities not too dissimilar to his own; and he'll also get a decent real-world education while he's there, none of that 'total isolation from the non-magical peoples' bullcrap you lot follow.
Fun Fact: that rogue mage of yours is pissing off all the wrong people in England, and as much as I enjoy pissing them off, you might want to do something about him soonish; not that I care what you do or anything, it's just I'm sure that you probably don't want the Templars as an enemy.
Ciao-ciao
KG
This is little more than a courtesy letter, ideally so you don't do anything stupid like try to 'rescue' your so-called 'Savior of the Wizarding World'. I can personally assure you that Harry is perfectly fine and living in a loving home with a wonderful family; a family we chose for him, so good luck trying to take him back, that is if you decide to be dumb enough to do so. As an aside, once he's old enough, we'll be sending him to a educational institution of our choosing that caters to individuals with powers and abilities not too dissimilar to his own; and he'll also get a decent real-world education while he's there, none of that 'total isolation from the non-magical peoples' bullcrap you lot follow.
Fun Fact: that rogue mage of yours is pissing off all the wrong people in England, and as much as I enjoy pissing them off, you might want to do something about him soonish; not that I care what you do or anything, it's just I'm sure that you probably don't want the Templars as an enemy.
Ciao-ciao
KG
*Immediately after sending Harry's letter, an owl flies in, carrying a large envelope. Opening it reveals a sheet of paper with a legal letterhead and a worn, very-well aged roll of parchment. The letter reads as follows.*
"To Whom it May Concern: I represent the law firm of Labingi, Galbasi, Brandagamba and Tûk. The enclosed letter has been in our possession since our firm was founded, and entrusted to us with the explicit instruction that it be delivered to this specific institution at this specific time, on this specific day."
*The parchment is rendered in an unknown language, but, upon consulting the libraries, they find a book on ancient languages written by an ancient wizard known only as "Kannoya Sinde." Translated into English, it reads as follows.*
"Dear Mrs. McGonnagal.
I appreciate your attempts to contact me, however by the time you read this letter, I will have been dead for several thousand of years. Rest assured, however, that my magical eduction has been complete and rather extensive, and that if all has gone well in the intervening time, I will have written several ancient texts that you have in your very own library. My adoptive instructor has convinced the chroniclers of this age to leave me absent from the scrolls of history, in an attempt to avoid drawing attention to myself. Do not grieve for me, as my life has been a blessed one, shepherding my people into the dawn of an age long since past.
Yours in Wizardry,
Kannoya Sinde - Harry the Gray.
P.S. I have seen into the future. Voldemort is behind Quirrel's Turban. ...trust me, just check that guy out.
P.P.S. Is this what wizards have become? You're all gonna be screwed when Morgoth comes back. Clock is ticking."
"To Whom it May Concern: I represent the law firm of Labingi, Galbasi, Brandagamba and Tûk. The enclosed letter has been in our possession since our firm was founded, and entrusted to us with the explicit instruction that it be delivered to this specific institution at this specific time, on this specific day."
*The parchment is rendered in an unknown language, but, upon consulting the libraries, they find a book on ancient languages written by an ancient wizard known only as "Kannoya Sinde." Translated into English, it reads as follows.*
"Dear Mrs. McGonnagal.
I appreciate your attempts to contact me, however by the time you read this letter, I will have been dead for several thousand of years. Rest assured, however, that my magical eduction has been complete and rather extensive, and that if all has gone well in the intervening time, I will have written several ancient texts that you have in your very own library. My adoptive instructor has convinced the chroniclers of this age to leave me absent from the scrolls of history, in an attempt to avoid drawing attention to myself. Do not grieve for me, as my life has been a blessed one, shepherding my people into the dawn of an age long since past.
Yours in Wizardry,
Kannoya Sinde - Harry the Gray.
P.S. I have seen into the future. Voldemort is behind Quirrel's Turban. ...trust me, just check that guy out.
P.P.S. Is this what wizards have become? You're all gonna be screwed when Morgoth comes back. Clock is ticking."