Well, someone finally did it. That someone is of course me. After reading a few ideas about Naruto being influenced by wrestlers, I finally sat down a banged out a chapter.
WARNING: THIS IS PURE CRACK!
WARNING: If you don't know anything about professional wrestling, this will probably confuse you a bit.
None of this is mine. I just enjoy screwing with people's universes.
------
The third Hokage had a bit of a problem. It wasnÆt a major problem by any stretch of the imagination, but it was certainly headache-inducing. The problem wasnÆt the fault of any ninja at all, not even missing nin or ones from foreign villages. No, the problem stemmed from their new security measures, something called æVideo SurveillanceÆ.
Video Surveillance was a new and ground breaking security measure. With it, no longer would shinobi have to spend hours watching different sections of their village. No, they could just sit in a comfortable room, watching video readouts of various sectors. But Video Surveillance needed three things to work: a camera, a monitor, and a blank video tape. It was with the third part that Sarutobi had the problem.
He had installed the cameras in every worthwhile place he could think of, and placed the central viewing room in the tower in the Forest of Death. But he simply hadnÆt ordered enough video tapes from the supplier! He could tape over old data, of course, but what if those old tapes had some critical if overlooked information? Taping over it could cause large gaps in their intelligence, and that was something Sartuobi wanted to avoid at all costs.
So here he was, on a Saturday no less, pouring over brightly colored catalogues for various brands of Video Tape. There were far too many brands and types for his comfort, so eventually, he was forced to do what almost every other shinobi did: rely on blind luck. With one hand over his eyes, Sarutobi blindly poked one place on the open paper. Opening his eyes, he saw that he had apparently chosen to import the video tape. It would take longer to get there, but it would be better then the cheap stuff he would find around here.
The days passed and life went on in Konohagakure. Ninja went on missions and came back from them. Naruto pulled prank after prank on the unsuspecting village. Dogs barked, cats meowed, and Gai screamed about his youth. Then, finally, one day before the most recent class was slated to take their genin exam, it arrived. The video tape arrived at the Hokage tower, much to the delight of the shinobi who had gotten accustomed to watching the village from a comfortable room with coffee.
As Sarutobi looked at his purchase, he was slightly confused. Not only were there the one thousand video cassettes he had ordered, but there were another twenty on top. The additional twenty were brightly wrapped and labeled, and there was a note on top of them. Picking it up, Sarutobi read the note out loud to himself. öThank you for your purchase of our award winning video cassettes. In thanks for your order, and the quantity of your order, we have taken some of our other best selling videos and included them, free of charge. Thank you for ordering, and we hope to hear from you again!ö
Sarutobi shook his head a bit. He was much too busy to watch any recreational videos, and he had no interest in what was on the covers anyway. æHe might have some interest in these!Æ Sarutobi realized. æTheyÆre loud, flashy, and seem to feature many explosions. Besides, Naruto needs something to take his mind off of the stress of the genin exam.Æ Sarutobi gathered the videos in a box, and began walking towards the apartment he had leased for Naruto so long ago.
Late that night, Naruto finally got home. It had been a very, VERY long day. Not only had he been caught doing his greatest masterpiece on the Hokage monument, but Iruka had caught him and forced him to do a transformation test, then taken him out for ramen. Then there had been a little bunshin practice, but his clones still looked sickly and deformed.
But NarutoÆs exhaustion seemed to melt away as he saw a large box of video tapes in his living room, right next to the Television the Hokage had given him for his birthday. A note taped to the TV read Naruto, I thought you might enjoy these. From the Old Man. Naruto laughed, and sat down on the couch, preparing to watch what the old village leader had given him. The video slid in, and it began to play.
ôWELCOME! TO MONDAY NIGHT RAW!ö
Naruto watched, entranced, as people entered a square combat arena, which seemed to be called a ring for some reason, and began to fight. These people were good. Very good. And the thousands of other people observing them were cheering. They were acknowledging everyone in the ring, and if they fought well, they were applauded. They were loud, and flashy, and had kick ass music!
Naruto had just found his new role models. He reached into his academy bag and pulled out a notebook, and began writing in it for the first time.
The next day was the day of the genin test. Naruto walked it, swaggering slightly, filled to the brim with confidence. Iruka looked at him, confused by the attitude. When heÆd last left Naruto, he had practically been a bundle of nerves due to the impending test. Now, he was swaggering! Naruto did not swagger! ôNaruto, please take your seat.ö He said, gesturing to NarutoÆs usual desk.
Surprisingly, instead of doing as Iruka said with a grumble, Naruto reached into his bag and grabbed one of his notebooks. Unlike when Iruka last saw that particular book, it was full of scribbling. Naruto flipped it open, and ran his finger down the lines. Seeming to find what he wanted, he hurriedly flipped to another page. His eyes lit up as he settled on the correct line.
The class watched with bated breath as Naruto put the notebook back in his bag. What would the class clown do now? Naruto raised his head, breathed in deeply, and exclaimed ôFINALLY! UZUMAKI! HAS RETURNED! TO IRUKAS CLASSROOM!ö
Kiba looked at him oddly, and shook his head. ôMoron.ö He grunted out.
This only had the effect of Naruto changing the focus of his attention to the dog-themed shinobi. ôWell, you see, Uzumaki would like to tell you a little story.ö For some reason, everyone was paying attention, on the edge of their seats as Naruto spoke. ôUzumaki was walking to the academy, this very academy, when he heard a strange sound. Now, Uzumaki knows that private life is supposed to be exactly that, private. But this sound, it hurt Uzumaki, so he had to figure out what it was.ö
Naruto continued with ôAnd the Uzumaki! He looked to the left, he looked to the right! And then he saw it! One Inuzuka Kiba chasing a cat!ö The entire class broke out into stifled laughter, but Naruto wasnÆt done yet, and he said as much. ôNo, no, itÆs very funny, and it sounds very funny, but Uzumaki is not done yet. That cat, he was so scared that he just went and jumped up a tree. Right up a goddamn tree! And the one Inuzuka Kiba? He lost interest. He sniffed the tree. Put his nose right up on the bark and sniffed it! Then he looked to the left. He looked to the right. He turned right around, and pissed right on that summbitch!ö
As the class broke out into full blown laughter, Naruto went right up to Kiba, who was sputtering denials. ôNow, Inuzuka Kiba, Uzumaki knows that you need to mark your territory. Uzumaki understands those primal urges. But if you ever, AND UZUMAKI MEANS EVER! Mark your territory anywhere near Uzumaki again, he will not hesitate to LAY THE SMACKETHDOWN ON YOUR CANDY ASS!ö
Somehow, the atmosphere had changed from comical to serious, and Naruto reared his head back again, ready to finish his diatribe. ôIF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLL! WHAT UZUMAKI! IS! COOKINÆ!ö With that, he sat down in his seat, acting as if nothing at all had happened.
As the class stared unabashed at Naruto, Iruka palmed his forehead. Something was cluing him in that it was going to be a very, VERY, long day.
WARNING: THIS IS PURE CRACK!
WARNING: If you don't know anything about professional wrestling, this will probably confuse you a bit.
None of this is mine. I just enjoy screwing with people's universes.
------
The third Hokage had a bit of a problem. It wasnÆt a major problem by any stretch of the imagination, but it was certainly headache-inducing. The problem wasnÆt the fault of any ninja at all, not even missing nin or ones from foreign villages. No, the problem stemmed from their new security measures, something called æVideo SurveillanceÆ.
Video Surveillance was a new and ground breaking security measure. With it, no longer would shinobi have to spend hours watching different sections of their village. No, they could just sit in a comfortable room, watching video readouts of various sectors. But Video Surveillance needed three things to work: a camera, a monitor, and a blank video tape. It was with the third part that Sarutobi had the problem.
He had installed the cameras in every worthwhile place he could think of, and placed the central viewing room in the tower in the Forest of Death. But he simply hadnÆt ordered enough video tapes from the supplier! He could tape over old data, of course, but what if those old tapes had some critical if overlooked information? Taping over it could cause large gaps in their intelligence, and that was something Sartuobi wanted to avoid at all costs.
So here he was, on a Saturday no less, pouring over brightly colored catalogues for various brands of Video Tape. There were far too many brands and types for his comfort, so eventually, he was forced to do what almost every other shinobi did: rely on blind luck. With one hand over his eyes, Sarutobi blindly poked one place on the open paper. Opening his eyes, he saw that he had apparently chosen to import the video tape. It would take longer to get there, but it would be better then the cheap stuff he would find around here.
The days passed and life went on in Konohagakure. Ninja went on missions and came back from them. Naruto pulled prank after prank on the unsuspecting village. Dogs barked, cats meowed, and Gai screamed about his youth. Then, finally, one day before the most recent class was slated to take their genin exam, it arrived. The video tape arrived at the Hokage tower, much to the delight of the shinobi who had gotten accustomed to watching the village from a comfortable room with coffee.
As Sarutobi looked at his purchase, he was slightly confused. Not only were there the one thousand video cassettes he had ordered, but there were another twenty on top. The additional twenty were brightly wrapped and labeled, and there was a note on top of them. Picking it up, Sarutobi read the note out loud to himself. öThank you for your purchase of our award winning video cassettes. In thanks for your order, and the quantity of your order, we have taken some of our other best selling videos and included them, free of charge. Thank you for ordering, and we hope to hear from you again!ö
Sarutobi shook his head a bit. He was much too busy to watch any recreational videos, and he had no interest in what was on the covers anyway. æHe might have some interest in these!Æ Sarutobi realized. æTheyÆre loud, flashy, and seem to feature many explosions. Besides, Naruto needs something to take his mind off of the stress of the genin exam.Æ Sarutobi gathered the videos in a box, and began walking towards the apartment he had leased for Naruto so long ago.
Late that night, Naruto finally got home. It had been a very, VERY long day. Not only had he been caught doing his greatest masterpiece on the Hokage monument, but Iruka had caught him and forced him to do a transformation test, then taken him out for ramen. Then there had been a little bunshin practice, but his clones still looked sickly and deformed.
But NarutoÆs exhaustion seemed to melt away as he saw a large box of video tapes in his living room, right next to the Television the Hokage had given him for his birthday. A note taped to the TV read Naruto, I thought you might enjoy these. From the Old Man. Naruto laughed, and sat down on the couch, preparing to watch what the old village leader had given him. The video slid in, and it began to play.
ôWELCOME! TO MONDAY NIGHT RAW!ö
Naruto watched, entranced, as people entered a square combat arena, which seemed to be called a ring for some reason, and began to fight. These people were good. Very good. And the thousands of other people observing them were cheering. They were acknowledging everyone in the ring, and if they fought well, they were applauded. They were loud, and flashy, and had kick ass music!
Naruto had just found his new role models. He reached into his academy bag and pulled out a notebook, and began writing in it for the first time.
The next day was the day of the genin test. Naruto walked it, swaggering slightly, filled to the brim with confidence. Iruka looked at him, confused by the attitude. When heÆd last left Naruto, he had practically been a bundle of nerves due to the impending test. Now, he was swaggering! Naruto did not swagger! ôNaruto, please take your seat.ö He said, gesturing to NarutoÆs usual desk.
Surprisingly, instead of doing as Iruka said with a grumble, Naruto reached into his bag and grabbed one of his notebooks. Unlike when Iruka last saw that particular book, it was full of scribbling. Naruto flipped it open, and ran his finger down the lines. Seeming to find what he wanted, he hurriedly flipped to another page. His eyes lit up as he settled on the correct line.
The class watched with bated breath as Naruto put the notebook back in his bag. What would the class clown do now? Naruto raised his head, breathed in deeply, and exclaimed ôFINALLY! UZUMAKI! HAS RETURNED! TO IRUKAS CLASSROOM!ö
Kiba looked at him oddly, and shook his head. ôMoron.ö He grunted out.
This only had the effect of Naruto changing the focus of his attention to the dog-themed shinobi. ôWell, you see, Uzumaki would like to tell you a little story.ö For some reason, everyone was paying attention, on the edge of their seats as Naruto spoke. ôUzumaki was walking to the academy, this very academy, when he heard a strange sound. Now, Uzumaki knows that private life is supposed to be exactly that, private. But this sound, it hurt Uzumaki, so he had to figure out what it was.ö
Naruto continued with ôAnd the Uzumaki! He looked to the left, he looked to the right! And then he saw it! One Inuzuka Kiba chasing a cat!ö The entire class broke out into stifled laughter, but Naruto wasnÆt done yet, and he said as much. ôNo, no, itÆs very funny, and it sounds very funny, but Uzumaki is not done yet. That cat, he was so scared that he just went and jumped up a tree. Right up a goddamn tree! And the one Inuzuka Kiba? He lost interest. He sniffed the tree. Put his nose right up on the bark and sniffed it! Then he looked to the left. He looked to the right. He turned right around, and pissed right on that summbitch!ö
As the class broke out into full blown laughter, Naruto went right up to Kiba, who was sputtering denials. ôNow, Inuzuka Kiba, Uzumaki knows that you need to mark your territory. Uzumaki understands those primal urges. But if you ever, AND UZUMAKI MEANS EVER! Mark your territory anywhere near Uzumaki again, he will not hesitate to LAY THE SMACKETHDOWN ON YOUR CANDY ASS!ö
Somehow, the atmosphere had changed from comical to serious, and Naruto reared his head back again, ready to finish his diatribe. ôIF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLL! WHAT UZUMAKI! IS! COOKINÆ!ö With that, he sat down in his seat, acting as if nothing at all had happened.
As the class stared unabashed at Naruto, Iruka palmed his forehead. Something was cluing him in that it was going to be a very, VERY, long day.
