Ranma ½ Rosario + Ranma
- Thread starter Black Dragon74
- Start date
I agree with what was said before, this should be concidered part of the main story through references and left as seperate omake/side story chapters.
I also think as a running joke you should add Ranma dealing with problems sucessfully through ways the others (Including Tsukune) do not think of. Like bartering his services as a carpenter for food. and have the others continously fail at using their own skills due to their own personality (Like the "sexy Nurse" getting mad when suduce fails and making the situation worse.) or Evil Moka's character so reliant on her position and her thoughts of her own fortune that when something occurs that she expects that to be there for here there is something like a dot com crash.
It would especially be funny if Kouma does "The best" job out of all of them in dealing with various problems. Just as a poke at Tsukune since he is supose to be the normal Human.
I also think as a running joke you should add Ranma dealing with problems sucessfully through ways the others (Including Tsukune) do not think of. Like bartering his services as a carpenter for food. and have the others continously fail at using their own skills due to their own personality (Like the "sexy Nurse" getting mad when suduce fails and making the situation worse.) or Evil Moka's character so reliant on her position and her thoughts of her own fortune that when something occurs that she expects that to be there for here there is something like a dot com crash.
It would especially be funny if Kouma does "The best" job out of all of them in dealing with various problems. Just as a poke at Tsukune since he is supose to be the normal Human.
Here's another chunk of C&C.
It suddenly occurs to me that it's not advantageous to have everything based on this series, from the rough drafts to the reviews to the ideas to the omakes, all crammed together in the same thread.
Oh well!
"You arrive at the supermarket. FINALLY. As the bus shakes and sputters to the stop, one of its axles snaps in two and a tire promptly falls out of the wheel well and rolls off into the street," Yukari said as she looked over a page of notes written on a legal pad.
"My accountant apologizes profusely to the driver for the commotion," Tsukune said, rolling a D20, "and for my diplomacy roll I get... Huh. Twenty."
"Oh, a critical!" Yukari said. "Okay, then he won't report you to the authorities or make you pay for the bus."
Kouma snorted. "Us pay for it? I could have the entire company buried for having inadequate riot control mechanisms installed! These vehicles are CLEARLY a psychological threat to their occupants."
"Speaking of which, my carpenter puts away his chainsaw," Ranma noted, raising his hand.
"My nurse finishes tending to the survivors," Moka said, rolling a D20 herself, "uhm... 18, after bonuses... Sigh And my manager says she wants to search the bodies of the fallen for funds and... matches? Wait, why would you need matches?"
"Moka, we really don't have time for that," Tsukune said firmly. "Also, that's illegal. Right, Kouma?"
"Depends on how much of a cut I get," the hellhound admitted, "I can make a lot of things legal for the right price and with a few lucky dice rolls."
Kurumu sniffled, a tear hanging from the corner of her eye as she hung her head sadly. "My cockroach..."
"You really should have known better than to try and show it off," Moka chided, "humans have very different standards than we do as far as what's frightening."
"We'll get you a new one when we get back to the house," Ranma said, reaching over and patting the succubus on the head, "if we found one, there's gotta be more."
Yukari suddenly spoke up again, "The driver throws you all off the bus before any of you can start looting or start issuing subpeonas. Hurry up and get to shopping, already."
Tsukune opened up an item table in one of the larger books. "So we're in a general supermarket, then? Page 37?"
"That's correct," Yukari affirmed.
"Do they sell gas around here? I've been using my chainsaw more often than I thought I would," Ranma admitted.
"There's a gas station at the corner of the intersection," Yukari explained.
"My carpenter heads to the gas station," Ranma said.
Kouma raised his hand. "My lawyer follows. He needs to pick up some smokes."
"My manager follows, and would like to continue searching for matches," Moka said reluctantly, "my nurse, trusting that the GM isn't going to keep handing my manager tools to attempt homicide, will go with Tsukune and Moka to shop for food."
"Very well," Yukari said, turning toward Tsukune, "we'll handle your segment first. You enter the market, and notice that it's quite busy. What do you do?"
Tsukune turned toward Kurumu. "Kurumu, does your maid have a list of ingredients we can use? You probably have the highest cooking skill."
Kurumu did not respond, silently writing something on a note pad.
"Kurumu? Are you listening?" Tsukune asked.
The succubus looked startled as her head jerked up. "Yes! What? What's happening? My maid readies her broom with one hand and her bra clasp with the other!"
Tsukune sweatdropped as Moka leaned in closer. "We're just looking for groceries, Kurumu. Can you help?"
"Oh, sure. What do I have to roll?"
Moka suddenly spoke up. "You're writing a EULOGY for your roach?"
"Samuel was a beloved pet!" Kurumu protested. "And my maid didn't even get the chance to scrape the body off that NPC's shoe so we can bury it properly!" She sniffled again. "Why do humans have to be so cruel?"
"Kurumu, you can write your eulogy. But for now we need to know what to buy," Tsukune said firmly.
"Roll the dice and then add your wisdom and skill bonuses," Yukari explained, "and then add 1 to your final score for being female."
"Why's that?" Kurumu asked as she made the roll.
"Prejudicial bonus," Yukari said, shrugging, "females are assumed to be generally better at domestic tasks if for no other reason than because society expects them to. The same applies to men and athletic affairs."
"That doesn't apply if you took the 'Destroyer of Kitchens' character flaw, though," Ranma pointed out.
Moka grimaced as she stared at her corporate manager's character sheet. "I hope this isn't foreshadowing anything..."
"Okay, I got a 19 after putting everything together," Kurumu said, still seeming quite glum.
"All right. Good score. You compile a list of cheap, easy-to-make, yet healthy recipes and hand out lists to your teammates," Yukari said.
"Yeah, okay. Let's get this over with," Kurumu grumbled.
Tsukune rolled his eyes. "Kurumu, are you THAT upset that your bug got stomped?"
The succubus sighed and suddenly fell to one side, landing her head directly in a surprised Tsukune's lap. "You know, if you want to cheer me up, your character and mine could always sneak off and find something fun to do," she said, switching instantly from despondent to sultry as she winked up at him.
Tsukune started sweating as he noted the annoyed expression on Moka's face. "Ah, Kurumu, I don't think things would work out between our characters..."
"Oh, why not?" Kurumu demanded petulantly. "It's just pretend. Can't I at least have you all to myself in my fantasies?" She batted her eyelashes innocently.
Tsukune chuckled nervously as he held up his character sheet. "It's not that... It's just that my accountant is a woman."
Kurumu vaulted upright immediately, and the other gave the young human strange looks.
"What? A woman? Why? Why would you do that?" Kurumu demanded in a panic.
"Well, I thought it would be boring if I played as someone exactly like me, so I made a female accountant," Tsukune said, shrugging, "I didn't think it was that big a deal."
"And this has nothing to do with your unsatisfied curiosities from living with a guy who shifts gender almost at will?" Yukari asked bluntly.
Tsukune flushed as he looked away from Ranma. "Well... I do have... questions that I never ask him because it might be uncomfortable."
"Thank you for that," Ranma deadpanned, "I'm being serious, now. Thanks for not asking."
"Forget all that! If you're a girl then we can't be together!" Kurumu complained. "Unless... Wait! Maybe my maid just swings that way?"
"Roll a D8, and re-roll if you get a 1," Yukari said, opening up a player's handbook.
Kurumu was surprised at the instruction, but did as told. "Uh... I got a two."
"According to the human sexuality continuum table printed here - referred to as the Kinsey scale - that puts you at 0. You're straight as can be," Yukari said.
Tsukune sweatdropped as Kurumu dropped her head onto the table, banging her forehead.
"Awww... Can't I make an exception for Tsukune? It's a fate thing!" Kurumu asked weakly.
Yukari snorted as she continued perusing the Kinsey scale data tables and graphs. "I'd buy that if you were at least a 1, but a 0? No. Your maid likes weiners."
Then the young witch brightened. "By the way, in case anyone wants to know, I'm a-"
"Nobody wants to know," said Ranma, Kouma, and Kurumu simultaneously.
Hr
"Well, that only took forever," Kouma grumbled, "can we get to gas station now?"
"Chill out Eyebrows. At least they completed the quest," Ranma said.
"My manager wants to know if she's found any matches yet," Moka said.
"Sure. She finds a book on the ground," Yukari said, shrugging. "So what's everybody doing?"
"My carpenter buys a fuel canister," Ranma said.
"My lawyer buys a pack of cigarettes," Kouma said.
"My manager... does NOT use her matches to light Ranma's gas can on fire," Moka said, looking rather annoyed. Then she suddenly lowered her chin to glare at her own Rosario. "No, YOU suck!"
"Roll for it, Moka," Yukari requested.
"I have to roll to restrain myself from murder?" Moka asked.
"Well, really, you're rolling to restrain your evil half, since I doubt that your actions are a faithful interpretation of Evil Moka's intentions," Yukari explained.
"Hey, come on, leave me alone until I can get more chainsaw fuel," Ranma protested.
Moka sighed and tossed a D20. "I got a twelve."
"You decide not to risk it for now. There are a lot of witnesses, after all," Yukari noted.
"Well, if you're not going to be committing arson, my lawyer takes a match and uses it to light up a cigarette," Kouma said.
"My carpenter leaves match-flinging range and fills up the chainsaw with fuel," Ranma followed.
"Okay. Senpai, your chainsaw is at full fuel," then she rolled a D20, "Kouma, your lawyer has contracted cancer."
There was a moment of stunned silence as Kouma's eyes widened.
"WHAT?"
"Cigarette smoking induces cancer in humans," Yukari said, shrugging, "your lawyer is dying."
"Uh, actually-" Tsukune started to speak, but Kouma panicked and cut him off.
"Cancer? Nobody said anything about cancer! Why wasn't I warned about this?" the hellhound demanded.
Ranma's hand snapped to the side too fast for the human (or most non-human) eyes to see, and then he held up Kouma's cigarette carton in front of the boxer's face.
"What does it say near the bottom?" Ranma asked blithely.
"Wait, you mean that warning is real?" Kouma asked in a panic. "I thought the Surgeon General was just a marketing character! You know, like Captain Crunch!"
"Captain Crunch never warned people about the dangers of eating too much sugary cereal," Moka pointed out.
"Well, maybe if he did he'd have made General, too," Kurumu mused.
"Look, guys," Tsukune tried again, "cancer is-"
"Somebody do something!" Kouma shouted. "I'm dying, here!"
"No you're not!" Tsukune shouted suddenly, surprising everybody. "Cancer takes a fairly long time to kill a person! And it takes a long time to get it, too! Your character is not going to die any time soon."
The others stared at Tsukune silently for several seconds before Kouma snorted. "And how would you know that, anyway? You don't have any points in medicine!"
"Plus you didn't even roll for it," Yukari said, shaking her head. "Kouma, your HP drops by 5."
"Damn it! Help!"
Tsukune sighed and gave up.
"Moka's nurse has points in medicine, right? Maybe she can fix it," Ranma suggested.
"She's not here! The one time she might actually be able to help!" Kouma moaned.
"All right then, since it's come to this," Ranma said grimly, "my carpenter draws his chainsaw."
Kouma looked alarmed. "How is that supposed to help?"
"Evil Moka wants to know first if you're planning on putting him out of his misery, and second if her class gives her access to any underground organ markets," Moka asked wearily.
Ranma shook his head, "No, I'm not going to kill him, I'm going to save him. My carpenter revs his chainsaw and prepares to fight cancer."
The stunned silence didn't last long.
"You want to fight cancer?" Tsukune asked. "As in... physically?"
"With a CHAINSAW?" Kouma asked, gaping.
"Hey, I have a chainsaw, a hammer, a can of gas, and two dozen nails. I'm using the best tool I've got!" the pigtailed boy admitted.
"My manager has a letter opener," Moka volunteered.
"That would take forever," Ranma scoffed, "and we're losing Kouma fast."
"Ranma, you don't fight cancer this way," Tsukune said.
"Well, how DO you fight it?" Kouma asked, puzzled, "Hellbeasts don't have to deal with these things!"
"I've heard that sometimes humans fight it by having a bunch of healthy people walk long distances," Kurumu said, tapping her chin.
"How does THAT help?"
Kurumu shrugged. "I dunno. It always seemed kind of dumb to me, so I never looked into it."
"Well, unless you guys come up with a better idea..." Ranma picked up a D20.
"I can think of a DOZEN better ideas than-" Kouma started to say before Yukari interjected.
"5 more HP down."
Ranma raised an eyebrow and tossed the die into the air, catching it on the way down. "Well?"
"Ranma, how would you even USE a chainsaw to cure cancer?" Tsukune asked.
"It's not STRICTLY impossible," Yukari pointed out, "assuming that the tumor is isolated enough, that it resides in an organ that can survive a degree of trauma, and of course the more finicky matters of a carpenter being able to identify and remove the cancerous tissue with a non-surgical tool and keep the patient alive without any anasthetic or disinfectant." Yukari shook her head. "Rather than impossible, it's just so outlandishly unlikely and pointlessly dangerous that someone would have to be a complete idiot to even try."
"Story of my life," Ranma quipped as he tossed the D20 onto the table, "now let's do this."
Hr
Silence reigned at the table as everyone stared at a group of dice sitting in the middle of the table next to a Wikipedia printout of a human skeleton and a crude ouline of a human body marked with pencil lines to indicate incisions.
"My carpenter puts away his chainsaw." Ranma raised his head. "Well?"
It took some time for Yukari to find her voice. "Well... Uh... You, Ranma Saotome, hippie carpenter-slash-martial artist... have defeated cancer."
"With a chainsaw," Ranma added.
"With a chainsaw, yes," Yukari amended. "Erm... You get... 1000 XP, I guess."
Kouma was looking glumly at his character sheet. "Is the nurse almost back yet? I'm pretty sure my lawyer is at death's door."
"Your lawyer is practically kicking it down at this point, but yes, Moka arrives with Kurumu and Tsukune with her," Yukari said.
"My nurse proceeds to tend to Kouma, first stopping the bleeding and then disinfecting the exposed tissue," Moka said quickly, looking somewhat distressed as she started rolling dice.
'Man, it's too bad we're not vampires in this game. I'll bet the blood is EVERYWHERE,' Evil Moka mused.
Ranma simply leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest while looking exceptionally smug.
"How did you roll THAT many 19s and 20s?" Tsukune asked, his eyes still locked on the dice on the table.
"Secret technique. Martial arts LARPing. I learned it in this one match during middle school," Ranma said, turning his eyes away, "it's not like I'm real proud of that fight, but it can come in handy."
"You realize I'll find a way to sue you for this," Kouma grumbled.
"I doubt it. I still have fuel left for the chainsaw."
"You'll run out eventually!"
"My manager wants to know if she can go home and eat now..."
It suddenly occurs to me that it's not advantageous to have everything based on this series, from the rough drafts to the reviews to the ideas to the omakes, all crammed together in the same thread.
Oh well!
"You arrive at the supermarket. FINALLY. As the bus shakes and sputters to the stop, one of its axles snaps in two and a tire promptly falls out of the wheel well and rolls off into the street," Yukari said as she looked over a page of notes written on a legal pad.
"My accountant apologizes profusely to the driver for the commotion," Tsukune said, rolling a D20, "and for my diplomacy roll I get... Huh. Twenty."
"Oh, a critical!" Yukari said. "Okay, then he won't report you to the authorities or make you pay for the bus."
Kouma snorted. "Us pay for it? I could have the entire company buried for having inadequate riot control mechanisms installed! These vehicles are CLEARLY a psychological threat to their occupants."
"Speaking of which, my carpenter puts away his chainsaw," Ranma noted, raising his hand.
"My nurse finishes tending to the survivors," Moka said, rolling a D20 herself, "uhm... 18, after bonuses... Sigh And my manager says she wants to search the bodies of the fallen for funds and... matches? Wait, why would you need matches?"
"Moka, we really don't have time for that," Tsukune said firmly. "Also, that's illegal. Right, Kouma?"
"Depends on how much of a cut I get," the hellhound admitted, "I can make a lot of things legal for the right price and with a few lucky dice rolls."
Kurumu sniffled, a tear hanging from the corner of her eye as she hung her head sadly. "My cockroach..."
"You really should have known better than to try and show it off," Moka chided, "humans have very different standards than we do as far as what's frightening."
"We'll get you a new one when we get back to the house," Ranma said, reaching over and patting the succubus on the head, "if we found one, there's gotta be more."
Yukari suddenly spoke up again, "The driver throws you all off the bus before any of you can start looting or start issuing subpeonas. Hurry up and get to shopping, already."
Tsukune opened up an item table in one of the larger books. "So we're in a general supermarket, then? Page 37?"
"That's correct," Yukari affirmed.
"Do they sell gas around here? I've been using my chainsaw more often than I thought I would," Ranma admitted.
"There's a gas station at the corner of the intersection," Yukari explained.
"My carpenter heads to the gas station," Ranma said.
Kouma raised his hand. "My lawyer follows. He needs to pick up some smokes."
"My manager follows, and would like to continue searching for matches," Moka said reluctantly, "my nurse, trusting that the GM isn't going to keep handing my manager tools to attempt homicide, will go with Tsukune and Moka to shop for food."
"Very well," Yukari said, turning toward Tsukune, "we'll handle your segment first. You enter the market, and notice that it's quite busy. What do you do?"
Tsukune turned toward Kurumu. "Kurumu, does your maid have a list of ingredients we can use? You probably have the highest cooking skill."
Kurumu did not respond, silently writing something on a note pad.
"Kurumu? Are you listening?" Tsukune asked.
The succubus looked startled as her head jerked up. "Yes! What? What's happening? My maid readies her broom with one hand and her bra clasp with the other!"
Tsukune sweatdropped as Moka leaned in closer. "We're just looking for groceries, Kurumu. Can you help?"
"Oh, sure. What do I have to roll?"
Moka suddenly spoke up. "You're writing a EULOGY for your roach?"
"Samuel was a beloved pet!" Kurumu protested. "And my maid didn't even get the chance to scrape the body off that NPC's shoe so we can bury it properly!" She sniffled again. "Why do humans have to be so cruel?"
"Kurumu, you can write your eulogy. But for now we need to know what to buy," Tsukune said firmly.
"Roll the dice and then add your wisdom and skill bonuses," Yukari explained, "and then add 1 to your final score for being female."
"Why's that?" Kurumu asked as she made the roll.
"Prejudicial bonus," Yukari said, shrugging, "females are assumed to be generally better at domestic tasks if for no other reason than because society expects them to. The same applies to men and athletic affairs."
"That doesn't apply if you took the 'Destroyer of Kitchens' character flaw, though," Ranma pointed out.
Moka grimaced as she stared at her corporate manager's character sheet. "I hope this isn't foreshadowing anything..."
"Okay, I got a 19 after putting everything together," Kurumu said, still seeming quite glum.
"All right. Good score. You compile a list of cheap, easy-to-make, yet healthy recipes and hand out lists to your teammates," Yukari said.
"Yeah, okay. Let's get this over with," Kurumu grumbled.
Tsukune rolled his eyes. "Kurumu, are you THAT upset that your bug got stomped?"
The succubus sighed and suddenly fell to one side, landing her head directly in a surprised Tsukune's lap. "You know, if you want to cheer me up, your character and mine could always sneak off and find something fun to do," she said, switching instantly from despondent to sultry as she winked up at him.
Tsukune started sweating as he noted the annoyed expression on Moka's face. "Ah, Kurumu, I don't think things would work out between our characters..."
"Oh, why not?" Kurumu demanded petulantly. "It's just pretend. Can't I at least have you all to myself in my fantasies?" She batted her eyelashes innocently.
Tsukune chuckled nervously as he held up his character sheet. "It's not that... It's just that my accountant is a woman."
Kurumu vaulted upright immediately, and the other gave the young human strange looks.
"What? A woman? Why? Why would you do that?" Kurumu demanded in a panic.
"Well, I thought it would be boring if I played as someone exactly like me, so I made a female accountant," Tsukune said, shrugging, "I didn't think it was that big a deal."
"And this has nothing to do with your unsatisfied curiosities from living with a guy who shifts gender almost at will?" Yukari asked bluntly.
Tsukune flushed as he looked away from Ranma. "Well... I do have... questions that I never ask him because it might be uncomfortable."
"Thank you for that," Ranma deadpanned, "I'm being serious, now. Thanks for not asking."
"Forget all that! If you're a girl then we can't be together!" Kurumu complained. "Unless... Wait! Maybe my maid just swings that way?"
"Roll a D8, and re-roll if you get a 1," Yukari said, opening up a player's handbook.
Kurumu was surprised at the instruction, but did as told. "Uh... I got a two."
"According to the human sexuality continuum table printed here - referred to as the Kinsey scale - that puts you at 0. You're straight as can be," Yukari said.
Tsukune sweatdropped as Kurumu dropped her head onto the table, banging her forehead.
"Awww... Can't I make an exception for Tsukune? It's a fate thing!" Kurumu asked weakly.
Yukari snorted as she continued perusing the Kinsey scale data tables and graphs. "I'd buy that if you were at least a 1, but a 0? No. Your maid likes weiners."
Then the young witch brightened. "By the way, in case anyone wants to know, I'm a-"
"Nobody wants to know," said Ranma, Kouma, and Kurumu simultaneously.
Hr
"Well, that only took forever," Kouma grumbled, "can we get to gas station now?"
"Chill out Eyebrows. At least they completed the quest," Ranma said.
"My manager wants to know if she's found any matches yet," Moka said.
"Sure. She finds a book on the ground," Yukari said, shrugging. "So what's everybody doing?"
"My carpenter buys a fuel canister," Ranma said.
"My lawyer buys a pack of cigarettes," Kouma said.
"My manager... does NOT use her matches to light Ranma's gas can on fire," Moka said, looking rather annoyed. Then she suddenly lowered her chin to glare at her own Rosario. "No, YOU suck!"
"Roll for it, Moka," Yukari requested.
"I have to roll to restrain myself from murder?" Moka asked.
"Well, really, you're rolling to restrain your evil half, since I doubt that your actions are a faithful interpretation of Evil Moka's intentions," Yukari explained.
"Hey, come on, leave me alone until I can get more chainsaw fuel," Ranma protested.
Moka sighed and tossed a D20. "I got a twelve."
"You decide not to risk it for now. There are a lot of witnesses, after all," Yukari noted.
"Well, if you're not going to be committing arson, my lawyer takes a match and uses it to light up a cigarette," Kouma said.
"My carpenter leaves match-flinging range and fills up the chainsaw with fuel," Ranma followed.
"Okay. Senpai, your chainsaw is at full fuel," then she rolled a D20, "Kouma, your lawyer has contracted cancer."
There was a moment of stunned silence as Kouma's eyes widened.
"WHAT?"
"Cigarette smoking induces cancer in humans," Yukari said, shrugging, "your lawyer is dying."
"Uh, actually-" Tsukune started to speak, but Kouma panicked and cut him off.
"Cancer? Nobody said anything about cancer! Why wasn't I warned about this?" the hellhound demanded.
Ranma's hand snapped to the side too fast for the human (or most non-human) eyes to see, and then he held up Kouma's cigarette carton in front of the boxer's face.
"What does it say near the bottom?" Ranma asked blithely.
"Wait, you mean that warning is real?" Kouma asked in a panic. "I thought the Surgeon General was just a marketing character! You know, like Captain Crunch!"
"Captain Crunch never warned people about the dangers of eating too much sugary cereal," Moka pointed out.
"Well, maybe if he did he'd have made General, too," Kurumu mused.
"Look, guys," Tsukune tried again, "cancer is-"
"Somebody do something!" Kouma shouted. "I'm dying, here!"
"No you're not!" Tsukune shouted suddenly, surprising everybody. "Cancer takes a fairly long time to kill a person! And it takes a long time to get it, too! Your character is not going to die any time soon."
The others stared at Tsukune silently for several seconds before Kouma snorted. "And how would you know that, anyway? You don't have any points in medicine!"
"Plus you didn't even roll for it," Yukari said, shaking her head. "Kouma, your HP drops by 5."
"Damn it! Help!"
Tsukune sighed and gave up.
"Moka's nurse has points in medicine, right? Maybe she can fix it," Ranma suggested.
"She's not here! The one time she might actually be able to help!" Kouma moaned.
"All right then, since it's come to this," Ranma said grimly, "my carpenter draws his chainsaw."
Kouma looked alarmed. "How is that supposed to help?"
"Evil Moka wants to know first if you're planning on putting him out of his misery, and second if her class gives her access to any underground organ markets," Moka asked wearily.
Ranma shook his head, "No, I'm not going to kill him, I'm going to save him. My carpenter revs his chainsaw and prepares to fight cancer."
The stunned silence didn't last long.
"You want to fight cancer?" Tsukune asked. "As in... physically?"
"With a CHAINSAW?" Kouma asked, gaping.
"Hey, I have a chainsaw, a hammer, a can of gas, and two dozen nails. I'm using the best tool I've got!" the pigtailed boy admitted.
"My manager has a letter opener," Moka volunteered.
"That would take forever," Ranma scoffed, "and we're losing Kouma fast."
"Ranma, you don't fight cancer this way," Tsukune said.
"Well, how DO you fight it?" Kouma asked, puzzled, "Hellbeasts don't have to deal with these things!"
"I've heard that sometimes humans fight it by having a bunch of healthy people walk long distances," Kurumu said, tapping her chin.
"How does THAT help?"
Kurumu shrugged. "I dunno. It always seemed kind of dumb to me, so I never looked into it."
"Well, unless you guys come up with a better idea..." Ranma picked up a D20.
"I can think of a DOZEN better ideas than-" Kouma started to say before Yukari interjected.
"5 more HP down."
Ranma raised an eyebrow and tossed the die into the air, catching it on the way down. "Well?"
"Ranma, how would you even USE a chainsaw to cure cancer?" Tsukune asked.
"It's not STRICTLY impossible," Yukari pointed out, "assuming that the tumor is isolated enough, that it resides in an organ that can survive a degree of trauma, and of course the more finicky matters of a carpenter being able to identify and remove the cancerous tissue with a non-surgical tool and keep the patient alive without any anasthetic or disinfectant." Yukari shook her head. "Rather than impossible, it's just so outlandishly unlikely and pointlessly dangerous that someone would have to be a complete idiot to even try."
"Story of my life," Ranma quipped as he tossed the D20 onto the table, "now let's do this."
Hr
Silence reigned at the table as everyone stared at a group of dice sitting in the middle of the table next to a Wikipedia printout of a human skeleton and a crude ouline of a human body marked with pencil lines to indicate incisions.
"My carpenter puts away his chainsaw." Ranma raised his head. "Well?"
It took some time for Yukari to find her voice. "Well... Uh... You, Ranma Saotome, hippie carpenter-slash-martial artist... have defeated cancer."
"With a chainsaw," Ranma added.
"With a chainsaw, yes," Yukari amended. "Erm... You get... 1000 XP, I guess."
Kouma was looking glumly at his character sheet. "Is the nurse almost back yet? I'm pretty sure my lawyer is at death's door."
"Your lawyer is practically kicking it down at this point, but yes, Moka arrives with Kurumu and Tsukune with her," Yukari said.
"My nurse proceeds to tend to Kouma, first stopping the bleeding and then disinfecting the exposed tissue," Moka said quickly, looking somewhat distressed as she started rolling dice.
'Man, it's too bad we're not vampires in this game. I'll bet the blood is EVERYWHERE,' Evil Moka mused.
Ranma simply leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest while looking exceptionally smug.
"How did you roll THAT many 19s and 20s?" Tsukune asked, his eyes still locked on the dice on the table.
"Secret technique. Martial arts LARPing. I learned it in this one match during middle school," Ranma said, turning his eyes away, "it's not like I'm real proud of that fight, but it can come in handy."
"You realize I'll find a way to sue you for this," Kouma grumbled.
"I doubt it. I still have fuel left for the chainsaw."
"You'll run out eventually!"
"My manager wants to know if she can go home and eat now..."
It depends. I (tried to) play Rifts a few times and a thousand is pretty much basically halfway there to become level 2. Same with Baldur's Gate as well if I recall.
Course there are some GM's who give too much xp for some things, but being able to do something pretty much improbable like beating cancer with a chainsaw would definitely be a nice gift of xp just for the balls and luck IMO.
Course there are some GM's who give too much xp for some things, but being able to do something pretty much improbable like beating cancer with a chainsaw would definitely be a nice gift of xp just for the balls and luck IMO.
And here's more omake wackiness.
The next session saw Ranma, Kurumu, and Kouma gathered in front of Yukari, with the former two thumbing through books as they made adjustments to their character sheets. Kouma was quite busy looking bitter and shooting glares at Ranma (which was near enough to his usual behavior that nobody really noticed).
"So I'm definitely going to put my new skill points into Handyman rather than Construction, but I'm not sure about taking the Chainsaw Carving feat," Ranma mused aloud.
"Why? Because you don't think you'll use it?" Kurumu asked.
"No, because I'll use it all the time, and then we won't be able to get down the street without me chainsawing something," Ranma mumbled, "it might start to get old, you know?"
"True. And I have a hard time imagining how you'll top beating cancer anyway. Go for Resist Hardware Store instead. Then maybe it won't take us until evening to get back to the house for breakfast," Kurumu said.
"Oh, come on! I needed a new chain after the first one jammed up from all the bones!" Ranma protested. "Anyway, what are you doing?"
"I'm not sure if I should bother taking a second level of maid," Kurumu admitted glumly, "I did it for the sex appeal, but what's the point if Tsukune's a woman?"
"Well, you DID complete the main quest mostly on your own and got enough XP from making us dinner that you leveled up," Ranma reasoned, "I mean, all Moka did was keep Kouma alive."
"Yeah, she seems just as useless as in real life," Kurumu agreed.
"And would you stop glaring at me like you're trying to light me on fire?" Ranma demanded as he turned toward Kouma.
"I AM trying to light you on fire," Kouma groused, his eyes a blazing red as he concentrated on the center of Ranma's shirt
"Oh. So that's why I smelled smoke," Ranma reasoned before he swatted the hellhound in the nose, "well, cut it out. You might damage my character sheet."
As Kouma growled uselessly, Ranma turned back to Kurumu. "Well, if you don't want to bother sexing anyone up anymore, you might as well just put the points into stuff like cooking and cleaning, right?"
"Which in turn would help you level up faster," Yukari observed, "your class is kind of an XP farmer."
Then the Game Master snapped at Kouma, "As for you, quit your moping. I gave you some XP despite the fact that all you did was get cancer and bleed all over the ground. So you didn't gain a level yet. Get over it."
"I wanted to file a lawsuit against the cigarette company, but you wouldn't let me!" Kouma protested.
"Of course not. You had just been through incredibly destructive surgery and Moka barely rolled high enough to save your life. Of course you'd be laid up for the entire day. You're only human."
"Well, it's a LITTLE unrealistic that you'd be out for the ENTIRE day just from having a lung ripped open," Ranma said, "you know, speaking as a human."
"Sure, Senpai. Whatever you say," Yukari offered, although she looked rather exasperated.
"I am, damn you..."
Suddenly, Kurumu shivered. "Whoa... Did anyone else feel that?"
"You mean that oppressive wave of power that suddenly appeared a minute ago and has been steadily approaching?" Kouma asked. "Yeah. What about it?"
"Uh... Any idea what it might be?" Kurumu asked, a bit nonplussed at the lack of distress by the others.
"Eh, Tsukune probably tripped," Ranma suggested.
"... I don't get it," Kurumu said.
Then the door to the classroom burst open. "Hello everyone," Moka said, her eyes a blazing crimson and her hair a gleaming silver as she sauntered into the room.
"Never mind. I get it," Kurumu grumbled as she returned to her player handbook.
Evil Moka glanced around the room, noting the general lack of reaction at her appearance. "You don't have to prostrate yourselves before me, but you can act a LITTLE surprised," the vampiress said, folding her arms under her breasts.
"It's nice of you to let us off prostrating, but we're kind of busy, here," Ranma said, finally looking up at the unsealed Moka, "can we do our epic battle after the session?"
"I didn't come here to fight," Evil Moka said, surprising everyone in the room far more than her actual appearance did, "today I'll be controlling my corporate manager directly."
As she took a seat, Tsukune came staggering through the door after her, looking as if he had run the whole way here and holding a familiar Rosario in his hand.
"S-Sorry about this. I tripped," Tsukune said between breaths.
"Called it," Ranma said, smirking.
"You know, this wouldn't happen if you didn't keep trying to feel her up at every opportunity," Kurumu said, looking put out as Tsukune looked shocked at the accusation, "if you really want to grope someone, you just have to ask me! I'm sure mine are way more fun to play with!"
This elicited a derisive snort from Evil Moka and a flushed protest from Tsukune.
"I didn't try to feel her up! You're wrong! It's an accident!"
"Dude, it's a little too convenient how your hand always ends up over her chest every time you trip or fall on her," Kouma said.
Evil Moka, who seemed to be ignoring the discussion about her being groped, suddenly held out her character sheet to Yukari. "Here. Level me up."
"Moka, you don't have enough experience to get to the next level," Ranma explained, gesturing to his own sheet, "neither of your characters got enough bonus XP to-"
"All done!" Yukari said, handing the sheet back to Evil Moka with all the adjustments finished.
"Good work," Evil Moka said with a smug smile as she looked over Yukari's adjustments (made in a small fraction of the time it had taken Ranma and Kurumu, of course).
"WHAT THE HELL?" Kouma shouted, a small fireball suddenly bursting above his head and causing those seated closest to him to shield their papers. "You just gave her a level for no reason? All she did was heal me and a few innocent bystanders!"
"No, no," Yukari said, shaking her head, "I just leveled up Evil Moka's manager, not Moka's nurse."
"What? Then she didn't accomplish anything more than my character did!" the hellhound protested furiously.
"Well, she DID slow us down a bit less, if that counts for something," Ranma pointed out, not helping the situation one bit.
"It's not that she was any more effective or that she earned more experience," Yukari reasoned, "but rather that she has one more shirt button undone than usual."
"A formidable opponent," Kurumu hissed as Kouma gaped.
Evil Moka glanced down at her chest, blinking. "I didn't do that on purpose, actually. I think Tsukune pulled it open earlier," she mumbled while fixing the button in question.
Tsukune's face glowed red as everyone slowly shifted their gazes toward him. "Accident! It was an accident, I tell you!"
"Okay, fine. Whatever you say, pervert," the hellhound grumbled, "so if everyone ELSE is done leveling up, can we start already?"
"Just one question," Yukari said, "Evil Moka, will you be handling Moka's nurse faithfully, or should I be tasking you with 'resist murder rolls' when you attempt to kill Senpai's carpenter?"
Evil Moka raised an eyebrow. "I won't be handling my other self's character at all. She'll be sitting this session out."
"Can't she just tell you what to do in your head like you do with her?" Ranma asked.
"No, she cannot," Evil Moka said with a contemptuous glare at the pigtailed boy. "The pink-haired ninny you're used to is not some alternate personality buried in my mind that emerges when convenient. She is a facade, an illusion of a soul created by the seal by subverting my thoughts. So long as the Rosario is off, that Moka does not exist."
"Oh. Okay. Just wondering," Yukari said as she opened up her note book. "All right, let me just make a few preliminary rolls..."
"Wait, is it just me, or did Evil Moka say something kind of disturbing just now?" Tsukune asked.
"Save it for the main story," Kouma snapped, "we don't want your personal drama messing up our play time."
"All right, everyone! It's time to do some laundry!" Yukari cheered.
There was a distinct lack of cheerfulness in the players.
"Laundry? That's a quest? Isn't that a bit too easy?" Tsukune asked.
"Did you think that about making breakfast? Because one of you almost DIED doing that," Yukari pointed out.
"Well, that's not happening to me again! No more smoking!" Kouma said, planting a hand over his heart. "Now that I have an actual human body to look after, I'm going to take my health seriously! Lots of fruits and no drugs and plenty of-"
Yukari looked up from consulting a data table. "By the way, you're addicted to tobacco. If you don't have a cigarette soon, you may suffer extremely painful withdrawal symptoms or even die."
Ranma sighed as Kouma gaped wordlessly. "Can I fix withdrawal symptoms with a chainsaw?"
"You cannot. I feel confident in saying that curing addiction with a chainsaw is strictly impossible," Yukari explained.
"Sorry Eyebrows, you're on your own," Ranma said, shrugging.
"This is ridiculous! Humans have to put up with cancer AND addiction? Why would anybody EVER smoke?" Kouma asked, obviously distressed.
Tsukune rolled his eyes. "Well, to be fair, it's not QUITE as deadly in real life as Yukari's made it out to be."
"That's probably true," Yukari admitted, "I have been rolling really high on the drug and alcohol tables."
"No, that's not what I-"
"Question," Evil Moka said suddenly, "this one is a maid, correct?" she pointed at Kurumu, who bristled in response.
"'This one'? I have a name, you know!" the succubus protested.
"So long as you insist on referring to me by idiotic monikers, I will refer to you however I wish," Evil Moka declared, shooting Kurumu a glare out of the corner of her eye.
Kurumu, Ranma, Kouma, and Yukari all glanced at each other silently, and then nodded.
"That sounds fair."
"Can't complain, I guess."
"Well, if that's the only way to keep calling you Evil..."
"Does that mean we can call you ANY idiotic moniker, or just that one?"
Evil Moka's annoyance was almost palpable, but she managed to let the topic go as she locked gazes with Kurumu. "Answer my question. You're a maid, correct?"
"A level 2 maid, yeah," Kurumu grumbled, "what of it?"
"So do our laundry, then," Evil Moka said, "problem solved. Next quest."
"Wait, Moka, she's not OUR maid," Tsukune said, glancing to the girl in question. "Right?"
Kurumu's expression turned sultry as she leaned closer to Tsukune. "Well, if YOU were to ask me, I could certainly do some cleaning in your-"
"You're straight. Quit it," Yukari said suddenly, hurling a D12 that bounced painfully off of Kurumu's forehead.
As Kurumu's face darkened, Evil Moka shrugged.
"I can't be the only one who appreciates that we have a domestic laborer in the party and that our quest happens to be a common household chore. Let's leave it to the servant and do something else."
"Oh, really? So I do all the work while get all the benefit?" Kurumu said, planting her hands on her hips.
"I'm a manager. Get used to it."
"Okay, let's all calm down for a second," Ranma said, holding up his arms. It was usually Tsukune's role to play peacekeeper when their friends were arguing, but the younger human seemed exasperated for some reason. "First of all, are there even washing machines in this place?"
"No. There is, however, a coin laundromat just down the block," Yukari pointed out.
"Okay, well, I don't think it's right to make Kurumu lug all our clothes around outside without an escort or anything, or pay for it herself, so I'll definitely be going," Ranma said, nodding.
"I'll go too," Tsukune said predictably.
"I need the XP," Kouma grumbled.
Evil Moka clicked her tongue. "I see... Very well. Then I, too, shall accompany you," the vampiress said reluctantly, "however, you will still do my laundry while we're there."
"Oh, I'll hang something out to dry, all right," Kurumu mumbled.
Tsukune seemed encouraged by the agreement, and once again spoke up. "All right then, this should be easy. My accountant gathers up her dirty clothes in a sack and exits the building. I take it the rest of you do the same?"
"My manager dumps her clothes on top of the maid's and then prepares to depart," Evil Moka said casually, looking slightly bored.
"Hey! Come on!" Kurumu protested, "putting aside that I don't want to do your laundry too, you'll get our clothes mixed up!"
"I hardly think sorting them will be a problem," the silver-haired girl replied, "my clothes would be easy to tell from yours. They're the tasteful ones."
As Kurumu fumed, Yukari nodded. "Yes, I do believe that qualified as a 'burn'. Kurumu, make an ego saving throw to avoid damage to your self-esteem."
Kurumu made a rather Kouma-like growl as she rolled her D20. "I got a 7. With modifiers, that's a 13."
"Okay, you're fine, but you don't get to make a witty comeback of opportunity," Yukari explained.
"Swell. Are we done sabotaging ourselves yet, or can we start our journey to the end of the block?" Kurumu groused.
"We can go," Kouma said, "I'm saving the good sabotage for when we actually get to the laundromat."
"Great. Let's get outside, already," Tsukune mumbled, really wishing that he knew how to re-attach Moka's Rosario himself.
"You exit the building and start heading down the street," Yukari said, "about halfway down the block is a hardware store."
"Damn it!" Ranma cursed, picking up a D20 and rolling it.
Many of the other players winced as the red polygon bounced to a stop, exposing a 1 for all to see.
"Double damn it!" Ranma snapped, hanging his head. "Can I feel shame as a minor action?"
"No, you're going to be using all your actions to get into the hardware store as fast as possible," Yukari insisted, "there will be no time for shame."
"I thought you got a feat to deal with that!" Kurumu said.
Ranma winced. "No, I took... something else."
"Like what?" Tsukune asked.
"... Proficiency: Ancient Chinese Martial Arts," Ranma admitted sheepishly.
"I think we need to take away that source book of his," Evil Moka deadpanned.
"Ranma, when are you EVER going to need Ancient Chinese Martial Arts?" Kurumu asked.
"Hey, it comes in handy in real life!" the pigtailed boy protested.
"This isn't real life, this is a world without monsters, magic, or over-the-top hand-to-hand combat," Yukari explained, shrugging, "as ridiculous and unrealistic as that sounds. Anyway, you immediately toss your sack of clothes at Kurumu's maid and bolt for the hardware store. The party has lost it's carpenter."
As Kurumu started fuming again, Tsukune spoke up.
"My accountant takes Ranma's share of clothes to lighten the burden on Kurumu's maid."
Kurumu looked relieved as she sidled up closer to Tsukune. "Thank you! That makes this-"
"Ah ah ah!" Yukari suddenly shouted. "Not so close! That's a woman! You have boundaries!"
Kurumu's mood promptly dipped again, and Evil Moka very deliberately yawned before she said, "So can we continue to our objective now?"
"Okay, fine. You approach the laundromat," Yukari said before rolling several dice behind her GM screen. "Random encounter time!"
Everyone groaned.
"All right, fine. So we're dealing with, what? Joggers? A dog that escaped it's leash? Teenagers?" Tsukune asked.
Yukari glanced over her papers. "You've been attacked by wolves."
Tsukune was stunned into silence, but on this occasion he was the only one.
"My lawyer readies his briefcase."
"My maid gets out her broom."
"My manager draws a letter opener with one hand and a pair of scissors in the other."
"Oh, you can dual-wield? Neat!"
Ranma sighed. "I guess my carpenter decides to check out the screws section of the hardware store."
Yukari nodded. "You reach the screws section. There are an awful lot of screws! You decide to closely observe the different kinds of screws and determine a specific ideal use for every single one!"
"Awesome," Ranma said, his voice thick with sarcasm.
"Wait, hold on, let's back up a minute," Tsukune said, "back to the wolves thing. Why are we fighting wolves?"
"Because they ambushed you in front of the laundromat," Yukari explained simply, "of course, you can always attempt to flee, but you won't be able to do your laundry then."
"No, Yukari, this is supposed to be a game about ordinary human life, right? Humans don't get attacked by wolves."
"I've been attacked by wolves," Ranma pointed out.
"You've been attacked by EVERYTHING," Tsukune countered, silencing his roommate.
Yukari looked surprised. "Really? Humans never have to fight off wolves?"
Tsukune hesitated. "Well... Okay, I guess it DOES happen, but rarely!"
"Well, consider this one of those rare times," Yukari said, shrugging.
"But we're in a city! There's no place for wolves to live!" Tsukune protested.
"Look, I know the encounter tables are ridiculous, but that's what I rolled," Yukari said, "so there are wolves now. Prepare to fight, already."
"See? I'll bet you wish you had ancient Chinese martial arts now!" Ranma said.
"Actually, I'd settle for a chainsaw," Kurumu deapanned, "rolling initiative..."
The next session saw Ranma, Kurumu, and Kouma gathered in front of Yukari, with the former two thumbing through books as they made adjustments to their character sheets. Kouma was quite busy looking bitter and shooting glares at Ranma (which was near enough to his usual behavior that nobody really noticed).
"So I'm definitely going to put my new skill points into Handyman rather than Construction, but I'm not sure about taking the Chainsaw Carving feat," Ranma mused aloud.
"Why? Because you don't think you'll use it?" Kurumu asked.
"No, because I'll use it all the time, and then we won't be able to get down the street without me chainsawing something," Ranma mumbled, "it might start to get old, you know?"
"True. And I have a hard time imagining how you'll top beating cancer anyway. Go for Resist Hardware Store instead. Then maybe it won't take us until evening to get back to the house for breakfast," Kurumu said.
"Oh, come on! I needed a new chain after the first one jammed up from all the bones!" Ranma protested. "Anyway, what are you doing?"
"I'm not sure if I should bother taking a second level of maid," Kurumu admitted glumly, "I did it for the sex appeal, but what's the point if Tsukune's a woman?"
"Well, you DID complete the main quest mostly on your own and got enough XP from making us dinner that you leveled up," Ranma reasoned, "I mean, all Moka did was keep Kouma alive."
"Yeah, she seems just as useless as in real life," Kurumu agreed.
"And would you stop glaring at me like you're trying to light me on fire?" Ranma demanded as he turned toward Kouma.
"I AM trying to light you on fire," Kouma groused, his eyes a blazing red as he concentrated on the center of Ranma's shirt
"Oh. So that's why I smelled smoke," Ranma reasoned before he swatted the hellhound in the nose, "well, cut it out. You might damage my character sheet."
As Kouma growled uselessly, Ranma turned back to Kurumu. "Well, if you don't want to bother sexing anyone up anymore, you might as well just put the points into stuff like cooking and cleaning, right?"
"Which in turn would help you level up faster," Yukari observed, "your class is kind of an XP farmer."
Then the Game Master snapped at Kouma, "As for you, quit your moping. I gave you some XP despite the fact that all you did was get cancer and bleed all over the ground. So you didn't gain a level yet. Get over it."
"I wanted to file a lawsuit against the cigarette company, but you wouldn't let me!" Kouma protested.
"Of course not. You had just been through incredibly destructive surgery and Moka barely rolled high enough to save your life. Of course you'd be laid up for the entire day. You're only human."
"Well, it's a LITTLE unrealistic that you'd be out for the ENTIRE day just from having a lung ripped open," Ranma said, "you know, speaking as a human."
"Sure, Senpai. Whatever you say," Yukari offered, although she looked rather exasperated.
"I am, damn you..."
Suddenly, Kurumu shivered. "Whoa... Did anyone else feel that?"
"You mean that oppressive wave of power that suddenly appeared a minute ago and has been steadily approaching?" Kouma asked. "Yeah. What about it?"
"Uh... Any idea what it might be?" Kurumu asked, a bit nonplussed at the lack of distress by the others.
"Eh, Tsukune probably tripped," Ranma suggested.
"... I don't get it," Kurumu said.
Then the door to the classroom burst open. "Hello everyone," Moka said, her eyes a blazing crimson and her hair a gleaming silver as she sauntered into the room.
"Never mind. I get it," Kurumu grumbled as she returned to her player handbook.
Evil Moka glanced around the room, noting the general lack of reaction at her appearance. "You don't have to prostrate yourselves before me, but you can act a LITTLE surprised," the vampiress said, folding her arms under her breasts.
"It's nice of you to let us off prostrating, but we're kind of busy, here," Ranma said, finally looking up at the unsealed Moka, "can we do our epic battle after the session?"
"I didn't come here to fight," Evil Moka said, surprising everyone in the room far more than her actual appearance did, "today I'll be controlling my corporate manager directly."
As she took a seat, Tsukune came staggering through the door after her, looking as if he had run the whole way here and holding a familiar Rosario in his hand.
"S-Sorry about this. I tripped," Tsukune said between breaths.
"Called it," Ranma said, smirking.
"You know, this wouldn't happen if you didn't keep trying to feel her up at every opportunity," Kurumu said, looking put out as Tsukune looked shocked at the accusation, "if you really want to grope someone, you just have to ask me! I'm sure mine are way more fun to play with!"
This elicited a derisive snort from Evil Moka and a flushed protest from Tsukune.
"I didn't try to feel her up! You're wrong! It's an accident!"
"Dude, it's a little too convenient how your hand always ends up over her chest every time you trip or fall on her," Kouma said.
Evil Moka, who seemed to be ignoring the discussion about her being groped, suddenly held out her character sheet to Yukari. "Here. Level me up."
"Moka, you don't have enough experience to get to the next level," Ranma explained, gesturing to his own sheet, "neither of your characters got enough bonus XP to-"
"All done!" Yukari said, handing the sheet back to Evil Moka with all the adjustments finished.
"Good work," Evil Moka said with a smug smile as she looked over Yukari's adjustments (made in a small fraction of the time it had taken Ranma and Kurumu, of course).
"WHAT THE HELL?" Kouma shouted, a small fireball suddenly bursting above his head and causing those seated closest to him to shield their papers. "You just gave her a level for no reason? All she did was heal me and a few innocent bystanders!"
"No, no," Yukari said, shaking her head, "I just leveled up Evil Moka's manager, not Moka's nurse."
"What? Then she didn't accomplish anything more than my character did!" the hellhound protested furiously.
"Well, she DID slow us down a bit less, if that counts for something," Ranma pointed out, not helping the situation one bit.
"It's not that she was any more effective or that she earned more experience," Yukari reasoned, "but rather that she has one more shirt button undone than usual."
"A formidable opponent," Kurumu hissed as Kouma gaped.
Evil Moka glanced down at her chest, blinking. "I didn't do that on purpose, actually. I think Tsukune pulled it open earlier," she mumbled while fixing the button in question.
Tsukune's face glowed red as everyone slowly shifted their gazes toward him. "Accident! It was an accident, I tell you!"
"Okay, fine. Whatever you say, pervert," the hellhound grumbled, "so if everyone ELSE is done leveling up, can we start already?"
"Just one question," Yukari said, "Evil Moka, will you be handling Moka's nurse faithfully, or should I be tasking you with 'resist murder rolls' when you attempt to kill Senpai's carpenter?"
Evil Moka raised an eyebrow. "I won't be handling my other self's character at all. She'll be sitting this session out."
"Can't she just tell you what to do in your head like you do with her?" Ranma asked.
"No, she cannot," Evil Moka said with a contemptuous glare at the pigtailed boy. "The pink-haired ninny you're used to is not some alternate personality buried in my mind that emerges when convenient. She is a facade, an illusion of a soul created by the seal by subverting my thoughts. So long as the Rosario is off, that Moka does not exist."
"Oh. Okay. Just wondering," Yukari said as she opened up her note book. "All right, let me just make a few preliminary rolls..."
"Wait, is it just me, or did Evil Moka say something kind of disturbing just now?" Tsukune asked.
"Save it for the main story," Kouma snapped, "we don't want your personal drama messing up our play time."
"All right, everyone! It's time to do some laundry!" Yukari cheered.
There was a distinct lack of cheerfulness in the players.
"Laundry? That's a quest? Isn't that a bit too easy?" Tsukune asked.
"Did you think that about making breakfast? Because one of you almost DIED doing that," Yukari pointed out.
"Well, that's not happening to me again! No more smoking!" Kouma said, planting a hand over his heart. "Now that I have an actual human body to look after, I'm going to take my health seriously! Lots of fruits and no drugs and plenty of-"
Yukari looked up from consulting a data table. "By the way, you're addicted to tobacco. If you don't have a cigarette soon, you may suffer extremely painful withdrawal symptoms or even die."
Ranma sighed as Kouma gaped wordlessly. "Can I fix withdrawal symptoms with a chainsaw?"
"You cannot. I feel confident in saying that curing addiction with a chainsaw is strictly impossible," Yukari explained.
"Sorry Eyebrows, you're on your own," Ranma said, shrugging.
"This is ridiculous! Humans have to put up with cancer AND addiction? Why would anybody EVER smoke?" Kouma asked, obviously distressed.
Tsukune rolled his eyes. "Well, to be fair, it's not QUITE as deadly in real life as Yukari's made it out to be."
"That's probably true," Yukari admitted, "I have been rolling really high on the drug and alcohol tables."
"No, that's not what I-"
"Question," Evil Moka said suddenly, "this one is a maid, correct?" she pointed at Kurumu, who bristled in response.
"'This one'? I have a name, you know!" the succubus protested.
"So long as you insist on referring to me by idiotic monikers, I will refer to you however I wish," Evil Moka declared, shooting Kurumu a glare out of the corner of her eye.
Kurumu, Ranma, Kouma, and Yukari all glanced at each other silently, and then nodded.
"That sounds fair."
"Can't complain, I guess."
"Well, if that's the only way to keep calling you Evil..."
"Does that mean we can call you ANY idiotic moniker, or just that one?"
Evil Moka's annoyance was almost palpable, but she managed to let the topic go as she locked gazes with Kurumu. "Answer my question. You're a maid, correct?"
"A level 2 maid, yeah," Kurumu grumbled, "what of it?"
"So do our laundry, then," Evil Moka said, "problem solved. Next quest."
"Wait, Moka, she's not OUR maid," Tsukune said, glancing to the girl in question. "Right?"
Kurumu's expression turned sultry as she leaned closer to Tsukune. "Well, if YOU were to ask me, I could certainly do some cleaning in your-"
"You're straight. Quit it," Yukari said suddenly, hurling a D12 that bounced painfully off of Kurumu's forehead.
As Kurumu's face darkened, Evil Moka shrugged.
"I can't be the only one who appreciates that we have a domestic laborer in the party and that our quest happens to be a common household chore. Let's leave it to the servant and do something else."
"Oh, really? So I do all the work while get all the benefit?" Kurumu said, planting her hands on her hips.
"I'm a manager. Get used to it."
"Okay, let's all calm down for a second," Ranma said, holding up his arms. It was usually Tsukune's role to play peacekeeper when their friends were arguing, but the younger human seemed exasperated for some reason. "First of all, are there even washing machines in this place?"
"No. There is, however, a coin laundromat just down the block," Yukari pointed out.
"Okay, well, I don't think it's right to make Kurumu lug all our clothes around outside without an escort or anything, or pay for it herself, so I'll definitely be going," Ranma said, nodding.
"I'll go too," Tsukune said predictably.
"I need the XP," Kouma grumbled.
Evil Moka clicked her tongue. "I see... Very well. Then I, too, shall accompany you," the vampiress said reluctantly, "however, you will still do my laundry while we're there."
"Oh, I'll hang something out to dry, all right," Kurumu mumbled.
Tsukune seemed encouraged by the agreement, and once again spoke up. "All right then, this should be easy. My accountant gathers up her dirty clothes in a sack and exits the building. I take it the rest of you do the same?"
"My manager dumps her clothes on top of the maid's and then prepares to depart," Evil Moka said casually, looking slightly bored.
"Hey! Come on!" Kurumu protested, "putting aside that I don't want to do your laundry too, you'll get our clothes mixed up!"
"I hardly think sorting them will be a problem," the silver-haired girl replied, "my clothes would be easy to tell from yours. They're the tasteful ones."
As Kurumu fumed, Yukari nodded. "Yes, I do believe that qualified as a 'burn'. Kurumu, make an ego saving throw to avoid damage to your self-esteem."
Kurumu made a rather Kouma-like growl as she rolled her D20. "I got a 7. With modifiers, that's a 13."
"Okay, you're fine, but you don't get to make a witty comeback of opportunity," Yukari explained.
"Swell. Are we done sabotaging ourselves yet, or can we start our journey to the end of the block?" Kurumu groused.
"We can go," Kouma said, "I'm saving the good sabotage for when we actually get to the laundromat."
"Great. Let's get outside, already," Tsukune mumbled, really wishing that he knew how to re-attach Moka's Rosario himself.
"You exit the building and start heading down the street," Yukari said, "about halfway down the block is a hardware store."
"Damn it!" Ranma cursed, picking up a D20 and rolling it.
Many of the other players winced as the red polygon bounced to a stop, exposing a 1 for all to see.
"Double damn it!" Ranma snapped, hanging his head. "Can I feel shame as a minor action?"
"No, you're going to be using all your actions to get into the hardware store as fast as possible," Yukari insisted, "there will be no time for shame."
"I thought you got a feat to deal with that!" Kurumu said.
Ranma winced. "No, I took... something else."
"Like what?" Tsukune asked.
"... Proficiency: Ancient Chinese Martial Arts," Ranma admitted sheepishly.
"I think we need to take away that source book of his," Evil Moka deadpanned.
"Ranma, when are you EVER going to need Ancient Chinese Martial Arts?" Kurumu asked.
"Hey, it comes in handy in real life!" the pigtailed boy protested.
"This isn't real life, this is a world without monsters, magic, or over-the-top hand-to-hand combat," Yukari explained, shrugging, "as ridiculous and unrealistic as that sounds. Anyway, you immediately toss your sack of clothes at Kurumu's maid and bolt for the hardware store. The party has lost it's carpenter."
As Kurumu started fuming again, Tsukune spoke up.
"My accountant takes Ranma's share of clothes to lighten the burden on Kurumu's maid."
Kurumu looked relieved as she sidled up closer to Tsukune. "Thank you! That makes this-"
"Ah ah ah!" Yukari suddenly shouted. "Not so close! That's a woman! You have boundaries!"
Kurumu's mood promptly dipped again, and Evil Moka very deliberately yawned before she said, "So can we continue to our objective now?"
"Okay, fine. You approach the laundromat," Yukari said before rolling several dice behind her GM screen. "Random encounter time!"
Everyone groaned.
"All right, fine. So we're dealing with, what? Joggers? A dog that escaped it's leash? Teenagers?" Tsukune asked.
Yukari glanced over her papers. "You've been attacked by wolves."
Tsukune was stunned into silence, but on this occasion he was the only one.
"My lawyer readies his briefcase."
"My maid gets out her broom."
"My manager draws a letter opener with one hand and a pair of scissors in the other."
"Oh, you can dual-wield? Neat!"
Ranma sighed. "I guess my carpenter decides to check out the screws section of the hardware store."
Yukari nodded. "You reach the screws section. There are an awful lot of screws! You decide to closely observe the different kinds of screws and determine a specific ideal use for every single one!"
"Awesome," Ranma said, his voice thick with sarcasm.
"Wait, hold on, let's back up a minute," Tsukune said, "back to the wolves thing. Why are we fighting wolves?"
"Because they ambushed you in front of the laundromat," Yukari explained simply, "of course, you can always attempt to flee, but you won't be able to do your laundry then."
"No, Yukari, this is supposed to be a game about ordinary human life, right? Humans don't get attacked by wolves."
"I've been attacked by wolves," Ranma pointed out.
"You've been attacked by EVERYTHING," Tsukune countered, silencing his roommate.
Yukari looked surprised. "Really? Humans never have to fight off wolves?"
Tsukune hesitated. "Well... Okay, I guess it DOES happen, but rarely!"
"Well, consider this one of those rare times," Yukari said, shrugging.
"But we're in a city! There's no place for wolves to live!" Tsukune protested.
"Look, I know the encounter tables are ridiculous, but that's what I rolled," Yukari said, "so there are wolves now. Prepare to fight, already."
"See? I'll bet you wish you had ancient Chinese martial arts now!" Ranma said.
"Actually, I'd settle for a chainsaw," Kurumu deapanned, "rolling initiative..."
