Well, I'm not that happy with this part, but it's good enough. They can't ALL be masterpieces.
"All right! Are you all ready for your next adventure?" Yukari asked as she started dumping out dice bags onto the table.
Moka - the normal one this time - sighed as she looked gloomily at her character sheet. "Still level 1... I didn't even get participation XP, like Ranma did."
'Oh, stop your moaning,' Evil Moka snapped from within her head. 'What good would it have done were I to have used your character as well?'
'Well, you could have saved Kouma, for one,' Moka thought back wryly.
'I asked what GOOD it would have done,' the inner vampiress countered.
"Hey, everyone! I brought cookies today!" Kurumu said brightly as she sat down, placing a large bowl of snickerdoodles in the middle of the table.
As Tsukune thanked Kurumu and took one, he noticed that the group seemed to be short a player. "Hey, where's Kouma?"
"Probably still moping that Ranma killed him," Yukari said with a snigger, shrugging.
"Hey, it was a total accident!" Ranma protested, "and besides, he's had plenty of time to cool off by now! I expected him to be back with a new anti-chainsaw character, plotting revenge or something!"
"Yes, well, I admit, there's an equally good chance he's not here because I told him that we were meeting in the same place as last time, when we actually had to change rooms because the last one was wrecked," Yukari mused.
Hr
Kouma frowned as he stared at the bands of caution tape stretched out from wall to wall of the small classroom, warning students away from the splintered remains of the furniture and the huge hole in the wall leading to outside.
"Guys? Hello? Are you here?" He held up a handful of papers. "I rolled a chef this time... Are we gonna play?"
A pair of schoolgirls snickered quietly as they walked down the hallway behind the classroom, casting furtive glances at the confused hellhound.
"Geek."
"Total."
Hr
Tsukune sweatdropped. "Uh... Yukari, do you hate Kouma?"
"EVERYBODY hates Kouma," Yukari said, rolling her eyes. "He's an aggravating jerk who refuses to use his only real talents because of his stupid emotional baggage."
Kurumu snorted. "He already stinks of cigarettes all the time, and whenever he gets angry - which is also pretty much ALL THE TIME - he starts exhaling poisonous smoke. Also, sitting near him is five degrees warmer than everywhere else in the room."
Moka frowned. "Well, he certainly isn't very nice, and he acts like spending time with us is some kind of punishment that's being forced upon him. If he doesn't want to be here, no one is stopping him from leaving rather than just complaining about it constantly."
Then Moka paused. "My other self would like to add that he's way too full of himself as a fighter, when he's too weak to even stand up to Ranma. He needs to learn his place, apparently."
Tsukune said nothing, a bit surprised and overwhelmed at the amount of animosity the hellhound commanded among the girls, even Moka.
"Well... I like Kouma," Ranma said, looking fairly distressed. "He's a decent guy when it counts, he doesn't back down easily, and he's the only person I can really talk martial arts with, since Chopper isn't much good for conversation."
Yukari leaned over and patted Ranma on the shoulder. "That's because, in addition to being a marvel of physical perfection, you're also gracious enough to pity those who are but a pale reflection of your greatness," Yukari explained gently.
Ranma fought off a flush of his cheeks as he coughed and looked the other way. "Well, I guess I can't really say that's WRONG..."
"Anyway, if you're not just putting up with him so that you never need to carry matches ever again, why are you always antagonizing him?" Kurumu asked, crossing her arms under her breasts.
"It's just part of our manly, tough-guy bonding thing," Ranma insisted, nodding firmly, "like how a dog likes to play tug-of-war with rope, you know? It's all just for fun."
Moka quirked an eyebrow. "Do you think he knows that?"
"I don't follow," Ranma replied.
"All right, that's enough time spent talking about that loser," Yukari declared as she clapped her hands. "Time to discuss what to do with his corpse."
The door immediately creaked open as Fran Madaraki poked her head in. "Have you considered donating it to science? The possible advancements in genetic biology with understanding of super-heated cells are-"
"She meant in the game," Kurumu deadpanned.
The school nurse withdrew without another word, closing the door shut behind her.
"So the lawyer croaked, and everybody sat around twiddling their thumbs and claiming ignorance when the police arrived. Fair enough. But being a lawyer, Gamaroshi had all the arrangements for his demise plotted out in advance, and the funeral is fast approaching."
"Funeral? What's that?" Kurumu asked, having never been exposed to the more morbid side of human culture.
"It's a ceremony performed for the friends and family of the recently deceased, to help them come to terms with the death of their loved ones," Tsukune explained.
"Tsukune is correct," Yukari confirmed, "it's a long, solemn procedure that involves blanketing the corpse in religious rites while family members reminisce about the deceased when they were still alive. It's an important part of the human tradition to reach closure with the ends of people's lives and accept the mortality of those around you."
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "So we're going to go to Kouma's funeral?"
"Close. Your first quest for today is to get OUT of going to Kouma's funeral," the young witch explained.
"Uh... Why?" Tsukune asked. "We were all his friends, weren't we?"
"Debatable. Also, regardless of your friendship with the lawyer, funerals are still long, boring, and really depressing affairs, and the miserly lawyer didn't provide for a wake."
"What's a wake?" Kurumu asked.
"It's a small party after the funeral, to help ease the depression of the entire process," Tsukune explained again.
"Again, our resident human expert is right," Yukari affirmed, "it's a short, cheerful procedure that involves catered dinners while everybody whispers to each other about how annoying the deceased really was now that the priest doing the ceremony is gone."
"Typical that he wouldn't bother with that part," Kurumu mumbled. "So what's the situation, exactly?"
"The elder Mister and Misses Gamaroshi have arrived at the house, both of them teary-eyed and almost hysterical as they rattle off the details of the funeral arrangements to your group."
"Ooh, this might be tough," Kurumu mumbled, crossing her arms under her breasts, "being a human isn't easy, is it?"
"My carpenter avoids eye contact at all costs," Ranma said.
"Why?" asked Tsukune.
"Well, I do feel a little responsible for his death, so I'd feel guilty blowing them off to their faces," Ranma explained.
"You were ENTIRELY responsible for his death," Moka deadpanned.
"Well, sure, but I don't feel that way," Ranma reasoned, "between urban wolf packs and shoddy chainsaw and washing machine construction, there's just enough blame to spread around."
"Well, my manager says up-front that she has an imprtant financial meeting that day in America, so she won't even be in the country," Moka said, speaking for her evil side.
"Very well, roll a bluff check," Yukari requested.
Moka promptly rolled a D20, and winced as she got a 4. "Ah, with bonuses, that would be a... a 14?" She seemed surprised. "Oh, wow. Managers are really good liars."
"That they may be, but the parents seem skeptical. The father starts asking for troublesome details, like where in America you're going, and when exactly you'll be leaving."
Moka frowned and glanced down at her Rosario. "Why did you put so many points into lying and graft, anyway?" After a few seconds, she sighed. "My manager uses her Buzzword power to re-roll the check."
Moka rolled the die again, this time getting a 12.
"That would put you at a 22 then, which is plenty to convince them," Yukari said, "however, now they're badgering your nurse about her plans."
Moka suddenly brightened as she got an idea. "My manager says that my nurse is coming with her and staying at the same hotel to save money," she said as she rolled the D20 again.
"Why would your nurse go to America?" Yukari asked.
"Seeing as I got a 25, does it matter?" Moka replied.
"Hey, can she lie for me, too? I don't have any points in that skill," Kurumu begged.
"Ah, the other Moka says she doesn't want to lie for anyone else," the vampiress admitted.
"You mean anyone else other than you?" Ranma grumbled.
"Well, that doesn't really fit the definition of 'anyone else' when you really think about it..." Tsukune mumbled.
"Urgh... And after I did your laundry, too!" Kurumu complained. "What do I say? I'm totally free!"
"I've got this," Ranma said as he placed a reassuring hand on Kurumu's shoulder, "my carpenter draws his chainsaw."
Tsukune slapped a hand over his face. "Ranma, don't."
"No, no! Hear me out! I've got a good plan this time!" the martial artist insisted, "I turn toward the parents and offer to build them a coffin for free if they let me out of going to the funeral."
Yukari nodded. "Okay, make a negotiation roll, using the higher of your bluff and business sense skills."
"You're going to bribe them to get out of the funeral?" Moka asked, making a face.
"Better than just lying to them," Ranma reasoned as he threw the dice, rolling a 10. "I have an 11, total."
When he looked up, Ranma noticed that everyone looked shocked.
"You rolled a 10!"
"Your technique! It's undone!"
"Wait, is there something wrong with the die? Maybe he should get a do-over!"
A vein popped up on Ranma's head. "Nothing's wrong. I stopped using that other technique. Moka was right, in the end. I don't need to be always rolling 20s if the rest of the time is going to be 1s."
Tsukune looked relieved. "Oh, okay. So you're just rolling normally, now?"
"Nope! I have mastered Aono-fu!" Ranma said proudly, giving a thumbs-up. "The ability to be constantly average all the time!"
Although the girls seemed entirely satisfied with the proclamation, Tsukune groaned.
"Are you really going to call it that?" Tsukune asked, his face flushing in embarrassment.
"I know it doesn't make much sense, since the name implies that you're the master when you can't actually do it, but I couldn't think of a better name," Ranma explained.
"How about Lame-fu?" Yukari suggested.
"Well, that would suggest that the result was bad, not just average," Ranma countered.
"Generally unknown mid-combat technique: Beige Fist?" Yukari tried again.
"Like, instead of a secret final technique? It's not used for combat though," Ranma reasoned.
"Art of the Government Worker!"
Kurumu finally swatted Yukari in the face with her character sheet. "Get on with it, already!"
"All right, all right. The parents eagerly accept your offer," Yukari said, "being the parents of a lawyer, naturally their expenses take precedent over their late son's respect and image."
"See? Now if the mutt were here, right about now he'd be getting all mad and spraying us with magma-hot spittle. It's much nicer without him," Kurumu said with a smile.
"Well, I miss his angry retorts," Ranma grumbled sadly, "it reminds me of home. Except that here it isn't always followed by a beating."
"Let's leave it at that before we accidentally learn more about your horrid past, Senpai," Yukari interjected quickly, "it's kind of ruining the mood. Anyway, you've gotten out the funeral, but Kurumu has not."
"Oh, that's easy. She's helping too," Ranma said, "I need a maid's help with supplies and polishing and cleanup, so she's with me."
"Really?" Kurumu asked, surprised.
"Sure! Us working class people need to stick together!" Ranma said with a grin. "I need to make a roll for that, right?"
"Sure," Yukari said, "same check as before."
Ranma rolled his D20. It landed on 10.
"So, wait, why do you even bother to roll dice now if you've completely removed the random chance element of the game?" Moka asked, looking somewhat perturbed.
"Well, it's not TOTALLY a given that I'll roll a 10," Ranma admitted, "I might roll an 11. There is no exact middle number on a die, you know?"
Moka sighed and took out her own D20. "I need to make a roll to keep my manager from kicking him in the face. It's a twelve."
"You're fine. Well, in any case, you've successfully pulled Kurumu's maid to safety, in a manner of speaking. That just leaves Tsukune."
Ranma shrugged. "Sorry buddy, but I don't really need an accountant's help to make a coffin."
"It's fine," Tsukune said, "I wouldn't make the deal anyway. My accountant will attend the funeral."
The others gasped in shock.
"But you'll fail the quest!" Kurumu protested, "Tsukune, you need the experience! You'll never be able to get to the 'Controller' paragon path at this rate!"
"I think that showing respect to the memory of someone who died a painful and meaningless death is just more important than that," Tsukune reasoned.
"Are you seriously going to make me create a funeral scenario?" Yukari groaned.
"It can't be that hard. Besides, it's not like I have any convenient excu-"
Tsukune suddenly stopped speaking and blinked. "Hey! A kobold thief appeared!"
This caused everyone else to look at him strangely.
"Oh-kay... The parents don't seem to be buying that as a distraction. Although you can roll for it if you'd like" Yukari said.
"But I-"
"Tsukune, this isn't that kind of game," Ranma advised, "there are no kobolds."
"That's not-"
"Are you sure about that?" Kurumu asked, interrupting Tsukune again, "I mean, is it really possible that humans NEVER encounter kobolds? The little scaly buggers are everywhere. May it's jus a rare encounter."
"It wouldn't matter if they were," Yukari retorted, "because I'm the GM and I didn't say anything about kobolds."
"No, it's-"
"Wait, I think I understand!" Moka said suddenly, silencing Tsukune instantly. "This game is all about human life in the modern human world, right?"
"Yeah," replied Kurumu, "so?"
"Well, if it's modeled right, then that means that in addition to humans, there must also be monsters disguised as humans!" Moka theorized as Yukari facepalmed. "The humans just don't know about them!"
Kurumu snapped her fingers. "Oh, right! Just because monsters don't play an active role doesn't mean they don't exist! Good thinking!"
"So you're saying that there really is a disguised kobold thief right in front of us?" Ranma asked, scratching his head, "'Cause my chainsaw is still drawn."
"It's not disguised, and it's-"
Yukari cut off Tsukune this time. "No, there isn't! Even if that assumption were true, I'd still have to put those characters in the game myself! Tsukune can't just decide they're there!"
"She's got a point. Besides, how would Tsukune know how to tell a disguised monster from a human?" Ranma asked.
"Is there a feat for that? Check the rule book," Kurumu said.
Tsukune groaned as the others started rooting through the handbooks. "You know what? Nevermind. Forget about it. I tried."
"Well, not very hard. That's not a convincing bluff," Yukari said. "Anyway, the phone rings. Tsukune answers it."
The young human looked surprised. "Oh, okay. Who's there?"
"It's your cousin, a young woman who was married and had a child several years ago," Yukari explained, "it seems she needs a babysitter on the same night that they're holding the funeral. It's too bad, but it seems like you won't be able to attend."
"But I wouldn't agree to babysit when one of my friend-"
"Put another way, you're going to complete the next quest since you seem insistent on ruining this one," Yukari deadpanned, "I'm not doing a funeral scene. Do you have any idea how boring that would be?"
"Given that doing laundry ended with one of us dying in an explosion of soap and metal, no, it's rather hard to predict what would be boring in this game," Tsukune reasoned, "but fine, if you don't want to do that, I'll take the babysitting job."
"Good. The parents finally leave, satisfied that they've done all they can do for their dear departed son," Yukari narrated.
"So I guess that means we're babysitting next, huh?" Kurumu asked as she reached for a cookie, only to realize belatedly that the bowl was empty. "Hey! Who took all the cookies?'
Tsukune sighed.
