I know it's sad, but I'm going to have to bring the thread back on-topic with the last part of the omake chapter.
"Senpai, as you attach the lid to the coffin, the doorbell rings. It appears the brat is here," Yukari explained.
"All right, I'm almost done here," Ranma said, "I'm going to attach the crucifix to the top. Rolling to hammer it in."
Kurumu frowned as she watched Ranma toss a D20, which landed on 11. "You know, I didn't really consider this before, but this technique of yours really takes a lot out of the game."
Ranma frowned. "You think so?"
"Rather than that," Tsukune began, "if you can somehow manage to roll 10's and 11's all the time, what's stopping you from making a technique to just roll 20's constantly?"
"You wouldn't understand," Ranma insisted, "it's a principle of martial arts roleplaying. The use of ki to manage luck is just unstable like that."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Moka said bluntly, "really, I think we all lost a batch of brain cells just listening to it."
Tsukune looked taken aback by the scathing criticism. "That... That was Evil Moka just now, right? She did that thing where she suddenly speaks through you?"
Moka suddenly looked embarrassed. "Yes, it was! I'm sorry, I didn't mean that!"
'Hey! That wasn't me! You liar!' Evil Moka complained.
'Oh, hush. You were thinking it too.'
"So is anybody going to get the door?" Yukari asked.
Tsukune sighed. "All right, I'll-"
"My manager pushes Tsukune's accountant aside and reaches the door ahead of her," Moka said suddenly, though she looked uncertain about interrupting Tsukune. "She answers it first."
Tsukune looked confused, but fell silent as Yukari responded.
"All right, when you open the door you see that there are two unfamilar people who look somewhat similar to Tsukune's accountant, plus a little boy. The father-"
"My manager promptly grabs the kid, says 'see you tonight,' and then pulls the boy inside before slamming the door shut and locking it," Moka said, looking quite confused but seeing no obvious reason not to relay her inner self's intentions.
"Uh... Okay, then. The child, who can't be more than eight years old, looks up at you, his eyes bright and full of wonder. 'Wow, you're really pretty,' he says, 'I'm Shutarou, what's your name?'"
Moka flushed and smiled as she imagined the scene in her head. "Aw, that's sweet!"
'He was talking to me, not you. We're different people in this, remember?' Evil Moka mentioned.
'Oh, so what? We're still... Wait, what's your manager's name?' Moka thought back.
Evil Moka's tone, insofar as one was possible via telepathy, was indignant. 'It's Moka, of course. Everybody is using their own names for this, remember?'
'Then what does that make me?'
'A wallflower, just like usual.'
Everyone waited patiently as Moka suddenly made an irritated face, and then the vampiress turned a strained smile toward Yukari.
"My manager tells the little boy, 'My name is Evil Moka. It might sound like a strange name, but it's quite appropriate.'"
'When I finally kill the hippy, I'm definitely not sharing his things with your character,' Evil Moka said bitterly.
"Well, we'll have to leave the babysitting to you and the bloodsuckers," Ranma said as he placed a hand on Tsukune's shoulder, "me and Kurumu have a coffin to finish."
"Hey, if this babysitting thing is happening at the same time as the funeral, then isn't a little late for us to provide materials for it anyway?" Kurumu asked, scratching her head, "what's with this timing?"
Yukari suddenly rolled a D8. "Your maid slips on some sawdust and bangs the back of her head on the floor, suffering 6 damage."
"What? Hey! I was just standing there!" Kurumu complained.
"Sawdust can be quite dangerous on a wooden floor. You should probably start sweeping it up rather than undermining the plot," Yukari said with a bemused expression on her face.
The succubus fumed, but reluctantly recorded the damage and then mumbled, "My maid starts sweeping."
"Good. Tsukune, Moka, Evil Moka, what's happening?"
"Well, I should probably put on a movie or something for Shutarou, right?" Tsukune asked.
Moka looked perplexed. "My manager, um... wants to convert Shutarou."
Her expression was soon matched by everyone else's.
"Convert him? Convert him to what?" Yukari asked.
"A... suicide death cult?" Moka asked, looking somewhat horrified once she realized she had said that out loud and divulged Evil Moka's intentions. "No! Wait, my manager doesn't do that! That's terrible!"
"Roll to resist corrupting the youth for your own ends," Yukari demanded.
Moka nervously rolled the D20, and a sweatdrop rolled down her head as it came up 3.
"Well, it looks like someone is adopting a new god tonight," Yukari said with a smirk.
"Wait! Can't my nurse stop her somehow?" Moka asked in a panic.
"I don't see how. She killed four wolves with a pair of letter openers," Kurumu muttered, "I wouldn't wanna mess with that."
"Moka, what does Evil Moka want to say, specifically?" Yukari asked.
Moka groaned as she held her forehead. "She says, 'Shutarou, your parents are heathens denying you entrance to paradise by selfishly hiding the truth. Eternity exists only in service to me, EVIL Moka,'" the vampiress ground out, putting a great deal of emphasis on 'evil' before she rolled her D20 again.
"A 6! There's no way that's good enough, right?" Moka asked hopefully, "not for such a ridiculous lie!"
"Isn't lying her best skill?" Ranma asked.
"Plus the target is just a kid," Yukari added, "not a difficult challenge rating. Shutarou's wonder-filled eyes are now filled with fanatical devotion to you, his goddess, and he promptly gets on his knees to bow in feverish worship as he sings your praises."
"That was quick. Some parents have to spend years turning their kids into religous nuts," Kurumu noted.
"Well, I think our GM is drawing from personal experience, here," Ranma said, "can you help me polish the coffin exterior now?"
Tsukune sighed. "We're going to fail this quest too, aren't we? We only get experience for completing the quest if the kid is ALIVE at the end of the night."
"Evil Moka says that success in life is the same as success in business; it's about risks and rewards," Moka said wearily, "and she gives Shutarou one of her letter openers before consecrating him in preparation for him to carry out her EVIL will."
"Uh oh," Ranma mumbled, "buff faster, Kurumu! We don't have much time!"
"Buffing faster!" Kurumu shouted as she rolled her dice. "Drat! A 4! No good!"
Tsukune rolled his eyes. "All right, that's enough. My accountant interposes herself between Shutarou and Evil Moka, and demands that the manager stop corrupting him!"
Yukari kept a carefully neutral expression as she nodded. "I see. Moka, what does your manager do?"
"She backs down and apologizes for what she tried to do!" Moka said firmly.
"Moka, you already failed your roll to resist evil. What does your manager do?" Yukari asked again.
Moka winced. "She uses her kickback power on Tsukune."
"Moka, we already went over this. That isn't an attack," Tsukune said.
"She knows. She's bribing you not to interfere," Moka mumbled.
"All right, Moka, make an attack roll. Tsukune, you have to make a will save equal to or greater than the attack roll to resist doing what she says," Yukari explained.
"Oh for the love of..." Tsukune grumbled as he rolled his D20, "I got a 12."
"I rolled a 9, so with my bonuses that's a 14," Moka explained.
"Tsukune, what's your bonus?" Yukari asked. "If it's two or more, you resist the Power of Money."
"I don't have any bonus," Tsukune grumped.
"Really? I would've thought that an accountant would have good mental stats. What's your wisdom score?" Yukari asked.
"It's ten. Same as all my ability scores," Tsukune explained somewhat morosely.
"You... rolled a perfectly average character?" Kurumu asked, looking quite perplexed.
"As expected of the origin of Aono-fu," Ranma said sagely, "it seems I have much to learn."
"So, I guess this means I have to back down?" Tsukune asked, looking none too pleased about it.
Yukari rolled some dice while writing on a notepad out of view of the players. After several seconds, she looked up. "Actually, no. You don't obey Moka's Evil will."
Moka sighed in relief as her inner self started grumbling to herself. "Because the purity of her soul and good will boosted her resistance?"
"No because Shutarou backstabbed her while she was distracted by the wad of money for daring to oppose his goddess," Yukari explained, much to the players' shock, "you take 24 damage."
"Wh-What? That's more than my hit point total!" Tsukune complained, his eyes bugging out.
'Huh. Didn't see that one coming,' Evil Moka thought. 'Your nurse can fix stab wounds, right?'
"My nurse rushes over to stop the bleeding!" Moka shouted in alarm.
"Wait, Moka, you should be careful of-" Ranma started to speak before Yukari rolled her D20 again.
"Immediately deciding you're an enemy, Shutarou goes for your nurse's throat," Yukari said.
"Why isn't Evil Moka stopping him?" Tsukune asked.
'Good idea. My manager tells the squirt to stand down,' Evil Moka decided.
"My manager tells Shutarou to stop!" Moka shouted desperately.
"Sorry Moka, you already failed your roll to misrepresent Evil Moka's decisions," Yukari apologized as she rolled the D20 again. "Ouch, a critical! Your nurse is down and she's not getting up again."
"But I wasn't lying this time!" Moka protested.
"I can't know that, so I'm going to have to rule in favor of destructive impulses, which in this case means killing everyone in the manager's way," Yukari explained, shrugging.
'Well, well, well, look who just swallowed a big fat spoonful of irony. Does it taste bitter? Hmm?' Evil Moka asked as Moka covered her face with her hands.
"Man, kids these days sure are brutal. MY Pop taught me never to go straight for the throat when ambushing someone," Ranma said, shaking his head.
Kurumu tsked. "I blame the video games."
"Why aren't you two helping?" Tsukune asked, though his voice had lost any semblance of outrage and just sounded tired.
"We're almost done with the coffin," Ranma said, "but we can't rush this without compromising the quality. Kouma was my friend and I'm going to give him the best coffin I can build."
"Why don't you stop the kid and THEN finish the coffin?" the younger human demanded.
Ranma blinked. "That's... really the kind of quick thinking and common sense you should have used when you were alive and conscious."
"Yeah, we could have saved your life!" Kurumu agreed.
'Well, no helping it now. It's too bad we have to kill the carpenter now, though,' Evil Moka mused.
'Why is that too bad? Isn't killing him the reason you did this in the first place?' Moka thought bitterly.
'Yes, but now we're going to have far more bodies than coffins,' Evil Moka explained, 'hmn. If I hadn't used up my kickback power then I could bribe him to build more first... Oh well.'
"Moka, Shutarou awaits your Evil orders, his hands slick with the blood of heretics," Yukari said.
"My carpenter draws his chainsaw," Ranma said, "Kurumu, try sweeping a cloud of dust at the kid when he lunges. I'll follow up."
"Are we going to get in trouble for killing the child we're supposed to be babysitting?" Kurumu asked.
"Don't know. Our lawyer's dead," Ranma said, "but given that we've also lost Tsukune and Normal Moka, we're kind of already in trouble."
"My manager uses her Pay For Performance power to boost Shutarou," Moka said in a monotone, tossing her character sheet over her shoulder.
'Oh, don't be such a buzzkill. This is a game! Have a little fun! I'm going to have plenty of chances to kill Ranma, you know, but this might be your only one!'
"All right, let's go!" Kurumu said, tossing her D20, "for Tsukune!"
Yukari frowned. "Kurumu, you're straight. Re-roll that and shout something else."
"Aw, damn it! But I got a 16!" the succubus complained as she rolled the die again. "Then, for getting blood and corpses all over the floor right after cleaning day, I will punish you! Bleagh. A 7."
"It'll have to do!" Ranma said as he rolled his own die. "An 11! That makes my total attack score 15! Suck chainsaw, brat!"
"As the way of sawdust blows toward him, Shutarou leaps into the air, landing on his hands and then flipping over Senpai's attack to end up behind the both of you. Then he slashes for Senpai's back."
Yukari rolled her D20, apparently ignoring Ranma's perplexed expression. "Ah. A 4."
Kurumu sighed in relief. "Thank goodness. My maid-"
"Wait, is an 18 too low to hit you? Yukari asked Ranma, causing the martial artist's eyes to bug out.
"18? How is this brat so strong?" Ranma demanded.
Yukari looked a bit embarassed as she explained, "Well, in order to make his hard to deal with, I gave him a lot of skills and feats. But the only way to make the stats honest was to start him out at level 16. Of course, that also means he's really hard to hit and gets crazy attack bonuses. In addition to Evil Moka's buff."
"That's completely unreasonable!" Kurumu said, throwing up her arms.
"And unnecessary, apparently. The only thing he's used so far is the 'Why Can't I Run With Scissors?' feat. By the way, Senpai, you take 9 damage."
"Damn it! I attack again!" Ranma said as he rolled the die. "Another 11!"
"Another miss," Yukari deadpanned.
Everyone was silent for a moment as they stared at Ranma.
"If you it didn't hit the last time, and your technique makes you roll the same thing every time, why would you keep using it?" Tsukune asked, "I mean, logically, if you can be sure you'd never roll higher than an 11, why would you bother?"
"Ah, so you've already discovered the weakness of Aono-fu. As expected of an accountant," Ranma murmured.
"I think we've all realized it by now," Moka deadpanned, "why don't you just roll the dice normally?"
"What, like a n00b? No way will I disgrace my sensei like that!" Ranma proclaimed.
"Okay, so he stabbed you again, so you take 8 damage," Yukari noted as she made the damage rolls.
"It's fine," Ranma said as he wrote down the damage, "I'm still alive, and I go before him. I'll use crit or miss, and then use the power I gained with proficiency: Chinese martial arts to get a free attack. Then, I'll-"
Moka suddenly spoke, "My manager charges with her other letter opener," she said despondently.
Yukari blinked. "Oh! Right! Kind of forgot that she was still there. Go ahead."
Ranma blinked. "What? Hey, wait a minute! If she suddenly gets a turn, what about Kurumu?"
The succubus winced. "You think I wanna end up as a coat? I'm not getting in her way!"
"What? But she'll-" Ranma was cut off as he watched Moka's D20 land on an 18.
"Okay, and for damage..." Moka sighed as the D6 came to a stop, "9 damage total. Sorry, Ranma."
'Can you tell him I'm not sorry? I want to make sure he knows I'm not sorry,' Evil Moka asked, her mental voice practically giddy.
'I'm sure he knows,' Moka thought back bitterly.
Ranma stared down at his character sheet for several seconds, and then shoved it to the side as rested his elbow on the table and propped his chin on his palm. "Oh, whatever. This game is stupid, anyway."
"Come on, Senpai. Don't get all pouty because you lost at something," Yukari chided.
"No, actually, he's right. This game is really stupid," Tsukune agreed. "Its premise is stupid, its rules are stupid, and - no offense, Yukari - this campaign has been stupid. Exploding laundry machines? Wolf attacks in the middle of cities? Children in deadly assassin cults?"
"Hey, I wasn't responsible for most of that last one!" Yukari protested.
"It was still pretty stupid, is my point," Tsukune reiterated.
'If it was so stupid, why did it work, eh? Can you tell him that?'
'No, I won't tell him that,' Moka thought firmly.
'You know what? I don't even care. I killed Ranma Saotome! That's plenty satisfying on its own!' Evil Moka said telepathically, sounding delighted.
'You killed an imaginary carpenter who he happened to control,' Moka thought back, 'who, by the way, never did anything to you!'
'Same difference. Now all that's left is to finish off the maid.'
'Why?' Moka demanded. She had tried to express horror through the telepathic link, but given how the session had been progressing she hadn't been able to summon up any genuine surprise. 'You killed Ranma, and you said that you didn't mean to kill the others, why can't Kurumu live?'
'Well, obviously, she might report me to the police. Also, I never liked how she's always flaunting how she has more "charisma" than me.'
Moka frowned. 'Our charisma scores are the same.'
'Yeah, I'm not talking about the game.'
Moka almost growled as she suddenly spoke up, silencing an argument between Yukari and Tsukune about the progression rates of different cancers.
"My manager turns toward Kurumu, her letter opener in one hand, and beckons to Shutarou with her other hand. She says, 'It's regretful things had to turn out like this, but it's time that you too knew your place, servant.'"
Kurumu grit her teeth as she gripped her character sheet tightly. "Oh, really? You think I don't know my place? I'll show you exactly where 'my place' is!"
The succubus turned toward Yukari. "GM! Do I need to roll anything to change religions?"
Yukari blinked. "No."
"Good! Then my maid drops to her knees and prostrates herself before her new goddess, the management guru Evil Moka!" Kurumu said firmly and without a hint of shame.
"Kurumu! What the hell?" Ranma demanded.
"She killed wolves and she killed YOU. What am I gonna do, smack her with my broom? I'm getting in this cult thing early while I still have all my hit points," Kurumu said shamelessly. "Don't worry, I'll make sure Kouma gets your coffin."
"And what about MY funeral?" Ranma demanded.
"Well, I'm pretty sure cleaning up the corpses so that nobody can find them is going to be my first service to my new religion. It's going to be a long time until anyone knows you're dead."
"Evil Moka wants you to know that she is pleased, Kurumu, and that she forgives you for always flaunting all your extra charisma in front of her," Moka said in a deadpan voice.
"I thought our charisma scores were the same," Kurumu said, quirking an eyebrow.
"I wish," the vampiress mumbled as she stared down at her chest.
"Well, that's just great," Ranma grumbled as he stood up, "congrats. I'm gonna go find Kouma so we can be bitter and annoyed together."
"You can always roll a new character, you know," Yukari offered.
"Yeah, I actually have some studying to do," Tsukune muttered as he too got up and followed Ranma out the door. "I'll see you guys later."
'So... does this mean I win the game?' Evil Moka asked happily.
"I hate you," Moka grumbled at her Rosario.
