Harry Potter hogwarts rules that you better follow

[jaredstar]

seeing the success that the rule thread is having in the naruto forum i decided make one here.


here are some i have come across else where and a couple of my own.

1. no matter how fun it may seem at the time it is a bad idea to summon all the hogwarts girls knickers. (mine)

2. Asking the ravenclaws or Hermione a rhetorical question while entertaining is discouraged. (mine)

3. Snorkaks are NOT hunted by being naked, and suggesting so to Luna Lovegood in the Great Hall is NOT acceptable. (jeconais)

4. Enchanting Devil's Snare to remove female clothing is NOT acceptable - no matter how many Anime movies you may have seen. (jeconais)

5. I am no longer allowed to ask to pat Crookshanks by asking "Hey Hermione, mind if I touch your pussy?" (finbar)

6. Stating you wanted to conserve water is not a good excuse for being in the girls shower under an invisibility cloak.(Tanaxanth)

7. "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" is not a good excuse for placing spying charms in the girls/prefects bathrooms (Democable)

8. All male students will refrain from claiming that they "are the meat in the sandwich", should they be walking, sitting, or in any other way situated between the Patil twins. (camperx)

9. I will not charm anymore chairs to give vibrating massages (The girls hog them! Lavender hasn't left her chair or gotten rid of that goofy grin all weekend!). (Forrest Erbe).


lets see what you guys can come up with

 

[Sunhawk]

10. None of the Weasley boys are named "Carrot Top".
11. Not permitted to turn Slytherin boys into rodents and hand over to the House Elves for pre-dinner preparation.
12. "Wanna see my One-Eyed Trouser Snake" is not an appropriate pick-up line for Slytherin girls.
13. Ravenclaw girls do indeed like books a bit more than the rest of us, but turning oneself into a large tome is not an appropriate way to find out.
14. A wand is not a dildo.
15. A wizard's wand is not a "compensatory mechanism".
16. There is no such thing as "wand envy", and as such, it is not appropriate to advertise "guaranteed wand enlargement" around Hogwarts.
17. "A Cat is Fine Too", when said around the Head of Gryffindor House, is punishable by detention.
18. Pussy jokes, likewise.

 

[Solarman]

19) I will not claim to have discovered an ancient method of star travel after disappearing for a day.
Corollary--If I attempt to back up my claim by taking doubters with cameras along next time it's all well and good, but still not proof, as magic can duplicate many things.

20) I will not charm my robes into forest camouflage colors and claim I have enlisted in the Magic branch of the Armed Services.

 

[parker]

hagrid did not take the c.o.m.c. job to be closer to his wife buckbeak

 

[Steel]

Pretty much anything that should go on this list is covered by This Means War.

 

[parker]

link

 

[Sunhawk]

link

http://jeconais.fanficauthors.net/This_Means_War/index.php

And I'm pretty sure that most of the things in the list so far don't show up here.

 

[jaredstar]

21. the room of requirement is for educational purposes only. it is not to be your personal love grotto.
21A. that means you potter.

22. the use of engorgement charm/potions on ones man hood is here by forbidden. Madam Pomfrey has informed me that she is extremely uncomfortable setting things right when things go wrong.

23. female students are forbidden from posing for play wizard on hogwarts grounds.

 

[parker]

24)no matter what the old man at the hogs head tells you you DO NOT coat albuss lemon drops in goat love potion

 

[Xerxezz]

25. Explosive Castrado is from now on considered the Fourth Unforgivable!

 

[railhazard]

26- While introducing Muggle culture to your fellow student is a good thing, i shall submit my materials beforehand to my head of house for approval. The wizarding world is not ready for some radicals Muggles concepts.

27- A girl able to do magic is a witch, not a Magical Girl. I shall use the proper terminology.

28- The Girl's uniform is not an abbreviate seifuku. No matter what the male students might wish otherwise.

29- There is no such a thing as the Hoggwart Senshi.
29a- Hermione Granger is not Sailor Gryffindor.
29b- Ginny Wesley is not Sailor Chibi-Gryffindor.
29c- Luna Lovegood is not Sailor Ravenclaw.
29d- Susan Bones is not Sailor Hufflepuff.
29e- Draco Malfoy is NOT Sailor Slytherin
29f- Minerva McGonagal is NOT a magical mascot/advisor

30- I shall not enchant any transformation wand or item to make Magical Girls.

31- Panty-shots are forbidden. People caught with incriminating materials should be given to Professor Snape as Guinea-pig. I mean you Mr Crevin !

32- I shall not bribe the Sorting-Hat to drop unto unsuspecting first year girls transformation wand and proclaiming them the chosen Champion of the Founders.

33- It is expected to said young girls to spend their time learning magic. Not fighting to defend Love and Justice or punishing evil-doers in the name of Hoggwart and the Founders.

34- I shall not trick Draco Malfoy into using a transformation Wand, alleging it would give him great power.

 

[parker]

35)i shall not sow vibrators into draco malfoys underwere even if he likes it

 

[railhazard]

36)-Severus Snape is a nasty, bitter, ugly man with several hygiene issues, therefore he is NOT a sex symbol by any possible stretch of imagination. It's forbidden to state such an opinion in front of innocents younger students. The Wesley family has enough trouble to keep the birthrate of wizarding britain to its present level.

36a)-Failure to abide to said rule would immediately warrant an extensive psychiatric evaluation to determine the proper treatment to cure such a delusion.

 

[Sunhawk]

21. the room of requirement is for educational purposes only. it is not to be your personal love grotto.
21A. that means you potter.

21B. "They're twins!" is not an excuse.

...

37. The Forbidden Forest does not contain the Chocolate Frog Factory; telling impressionable young first years this is forbidden.
38. May not owl letters home to the parents of first years warning that the Slytherin Head of House has an unnatural fondness for their child.
39. May not owl letters home to parents of first years stating that their child has an unnatural fondness for the Slytherin Head of House.
40. #38 and #39 extend to not only the Slytherin Head of House but to any of the other teachers, staff or non-staff educational beings.
41. While the lake does indeed contain a giant squid, and squids do indeed have tentacles, this does not make it a "tentacle monster", and it does not lust after our witches.
42. It does not lust after our wizards, either.
43. Madame Rosmerta does not offer a "special menu" to handsome young wizards.
44. Chocolate Frogs are not actually frogs turned temporarily into candy.
45. Not permitted to wear blue woad (and only blue woad) onto the quidditch pitch.
46. Omnicululars do not belong in the girls' changing room.
47. ... nor do they belong in the boys' changing room.

 

[railhazard]

48)-I shall never compare any member of the student body or the Teaching staff to any character of the Arthurian epic.

48a)-The sword of Godric Gryffindor is not Excalibur

48b)-Harry Potter is not the Once and Future High-King of Britain.

48c)-Harry Potter doesn't have an evil half-sister.

48d)-Albus Dumbledore was never romantically involved with such hypothetical person.

48e)-Harry Potter will never have sex with said hypothetical person.

48f)-It is forbidden to ask him if said sister is hot.

49)-Despite the unfortunate accident during her second year, Hermione Granger is not Catwoman. I shall not send her a latex catsuit and a whip for her birthday.

50)-I shall not send an invitation to Hermione Granger to attend to the support group:" Catgirls Anonymous".

51)-The Cursed panty of Torrinaga doesn't exist except in the twisted perverted imagination of some Japaneses muggles. I shall not make my life goal to create this abomination.

51a)-Even if i have backing from some powerful and eminent members of the wizarding community.

52)-I shall not try to convince my fellow students that being a Furry is the latest fad.

53)-I shall never try to convince my female classmates that being a catgirl is highly fashionable.

53a)-"Even Hermione did it." is not a good reason.

 

[grant]

54. Two young males who exist as enemies do NOT typically equal a closet homosexual relationship.
55. Simply because someone has a skill for academic work is not a valid reason to view them as an annoying 'goody two-shoes' (whatever THAT means)
56. Generally if a young man attempts to create a harem of drastically different (and opposing) witches at school, he will consider himself lucky to have a quick death.
57. Attempting to cast spells on anyone in the attempt to make them more desirable will likely have either humorous or horrible side-effects.

 

[SotF]

58. Harry potter is no longer allowed to supplement his spells with ones based off of anime or manga.
b. Slayers is banned from Hogwarts.
c. As is anything connected to Dungeons & Dragons, Draco summoning a Balor that destroyed most of Diagon Alley and defiled his mother is the reason why.

 

[FH_Meta]

58. Harry potter is no longer allowed to supplement his spells with ones based off of anime or manga.
b. Slayers is banned from Hogwarts.
c. As is anything connected to Dungeons & Dragons, Draco summoning a Balor that destroyed most of Diagon Alley and defiled his mother is the reason why.

d. Anything from Bastard!! is right out. Moreso than ones from Slayers or D&D.
e. Yes this includes Giga Slave and Wish.

 

[Sunhawk]

59. There will be no shagging in the girls bathroom.
60. Moaning Myrtle is not a voyeur, in spite of all evidence to the contrary.
61. There will be no shagging in the commons rooms.
62. There will, in fact, be no shagging at all at Hogwarts.
63. The Sorting Hat is an ancient and revered artifact, not a "moldy old cap"
64. The Sorting Hat shall not be submitted to a list of sexual predators because "it peeks at naked children".
65. Godric Gryffindor did not have a sword because he was otherwise lacking as a man.
66. Helga Hufflepuff was not "the biggest whore since Babylon"
67. Rowena Ravenclaw did not leave a bequest for the "shagging scholarship"; one is not allowed to tell impressionable first years this.
68. There will be no touching of the historical artifacts!
68a. Yes, this includes the Headmaster.
69. The Headmaster is a long-lived and respected wizard; he is not a "ball-less decrepid geezer"
70. On the other hand, he is not a "viagra-guzzling sex fiend", whatever 'viagra' is.
71. Professor McGonagall's "quiet time" is just that - quiet - and she is not to be disturbed for any reason.
72. Interrupting Professor Snape's "quiet time", while not quiet, is a bad idea, no matter what you hear.
73. Daphne Greenglass does not "put out like a two-dollar whore"
74. There is no "most shaggable student at Hogwarts" contest, Harry Potter has not won it for four years running, and I shall not ask the students for their votes.
75. Shall not use a club to recruit for my harem.
76. Shall not use a club to recruit for someone else' harem.
77. Salazar Slytherin did not lust after Godric Gryffindor, and I will make such a claim to the first-year Slytherins.
77a. It shall not be used as a pick-up line for Slytherin girls.

 

[railhazard]

78)-You shall not claim to be the long lost Heterodyne Heir.

79)-You are a wizard/witch, not a Spark. Therefore, you shall use your wand to warp the Rules of Nature not an unholy mechanical construct.

80)-You shall learn to make friends not to build them.

81)-You shall not make up for your lack of social skill by building an horde of Technomagicals golem.

82)-You shall not make up for your pathetic excuse of a love-life by building an Harem of anatomicaly accurate technomagical golems.

83)-You shall not rent technomagical golem replicant of your classmates as extremly advanced sextoys.

84)-You shall not build Giant, sentient, heavy-armed, transforming, technomagical war-golems.

84a)-" Optimus Prime is cool" is not a good enough justification.

84b)-You shall not send said war-golems against the death-eater. The results of the last raid is still giving fit to the obliviators and the departement of Magical catastrophes.

84c)-You shall not rent said War-Golem to a Muggle Film Studio. This is a violation of the statut of secrecy. I don't care if they are making a remake of Transformers.

84d)-The statut of secrecy is NOT overrated!

 

[parker]

85)if deat eaters are useing a magical door or artifact to get into hogwarts you are to give said artifact to the headmaster not tie it to the cieling
85a)or give it to a horny tentacle beast
85b)or fluffy

 

[railhazard]

86)-you shall not build a technomagical war-golem powerful enough to nuked a solar system.

86a)-It being a technomagical war-gynoid is not a valid loophole.

86b)-It being Pretty, smart, sweet, loyal, caring and everything that you want in a woman is not a good enough reason.

87)-You shall not make said war-gynoid your girlfriend even if it was its idea.

88)-you shall not spread rumors about Dobby being the vanguard of an invasion force of Alien House-Elves from Outer-Space (AHEOS).

89)-You shall not spread rumors about Albus Dumbledore being the Head of a shadowy conspiration which aims at concealing the existence of the AHEOS.

90)-You shall not spread rumors about kidnapping of young healthy wizards by the AHEOS.

91)-You shall not claim that Draco Malfoy recent kidnapping and later release is a proof of your statement.

92)-You shall not claim that Mme Pomphrey is hidding critical facts about Mr Malfoy condition on the headmaster's order.

92a)-Mr Malfoy butt-cheek being marked by unknown symbols and the strange objects left inside his rectum is nothing more than the result of a rather nasty prank.

93)-You shall not spread rumors about the kidnapping performed by the AHEOS being for breeding purpose.

94)- You shall not spread rumor about Hermione Granger and S.P.E.W being the fifth column of collaborators within the wizarding society.

95)-You shall not spread rumors about the members of S.P.E.W being handsomely
rewarded for their loyalties once the AHEOS have taken over the wizarding world.

95a)-Draco Malfoy may not join S.P.E.W to save his ass.

96)-Only people who have shown true concern toward elvish welfare may join S.P.E.W

97)-Using fear, mass hysteria and the lack of common sens displayed by the average denizen of the magical world against your own classmates to further a noble cause is strongly discouraged.

 

[lunaitc]

98: Harry Potter is not offering first-year girls free rides on his broomstick.
98a: Or first year boys.
98b: This rule applies to ALL Quidditch players

99: I am not to challenge the Weasleys to prove they are natural redheads.
99a: Everyone does not already know this from Ginny

100: There is not now, nor has there ever been a "Sparklypoo" house.
100a: I am not to enchant ths Sorting Hat to place students in Sparklypoo
100b: Or The Chamber of Secrets
100c: Or Hagrid's Hut
100d: Or "Animal House"

101: Only the Sword of Gryffindor can be pulled from the Sorting Hat.

102: Professor Flitwick is not "half midget, half dwarf"

103: Draco Malfoy is not a ferret animagus, and I should not ask him to turn back

104: "Hagrid had one" is not an excuse

105: The Basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets was not named "Lumpy, the School Snake"

106: Charming suits of armour to sing "The Song that Never Ends" will result in immediate suspension
106b: Or "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves"

107: Salazar Slytherin did not leave the school because "Godric wouldn't let him top"
107a: Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin were never in such a relationship
107b: No matter what Peeves tells you

108: Veela are not Succubi and telling Muggleborn students that they are is frowned upon

109: Slytherin House is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy"

 

[railhazard]

110)-The giant squid is not an antediluvian extraterrestrial being and it is not hiding from its mortal enemies.
110a)-Its name is not Kosh.

111)-You shall not build an encounter-suit with cryptic universal-translator to allow the giant squid to leave its lake.

112)-You shall not spread rumors about the Giant Squid having a feud with the Acromantula nest in the forbidden forest.

113)-You shall not encourage your fellow students to involve themselves in said fictional feud.

114)-Albus Dumbledore is not the One-Who-was. Harry Potter is not the One-Who-is. Ginny Wesley is not the One-Who-Will-Be. You shall not claim otherwise.

115)- Hoggwart is not the Giant Squid best hope for Victory.

116)- You shall not set up a democratic election to appoint the new Defense Against the Dark Art teacher. It is the Headmaster prerogative.

116a)-You shall not nominate the Giant Squid to circumvent rule #111 even if it is highly competent for the job. We aren't so desperate yet.

117)-While Victor Von Doom is both a sorcery and scientific genius, a self-made king and a successful Dark Lord cunning enough to achieve immunity to any legal repercussion, You shall not strive to emulate his achievements.

118)-While expressing your house loyalty is commendable, You shall not do it by wearing a Technomagical silver battle-armor with a long billowing green hooded-cloak.

119)-You shall not give highly poetic and theatrical monologues about your inherent superiority and your great achievements while wearing a Technomagical silver battle-armor with a long billowing green hooded-cloak.

120)-You shall not buy strange masks from a creepy Mask-seller during Hoggsmead weekend.

 

[SotF]

121. Expiramenting in an attempt to replicate Frankenstein is not a valid use of time