Akamatsuverse Love Hina - A private engagement

[HotelKatz]

The title of this is 'A private engagement'. I added the Love Hina for it's category.

Antimatter is the planner and I'm the writer. After this chapter, I plan on the writing format being similar to my Ah! My Goddess's What if fic.

here's the post where the idea for the fic is

http://thefanfictionforum.net/showthread.php?tid=473&pid=1223478#pid1223478

So the chapters after this one will have a setting part, the story, and and a commentary. It'll kinda like be two stories in one!

Feel free to comment to how I can improve this chapter. I'll put in a thanks for it in the author's section.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1A7vjABgBKXaLX0_K28uOzytMs0pR57GrYgd7F6fHDJA/edit

 

[Antimatter]

Not so much planning as tossing out ideas for the person with actual talent to consider.

 

[HotelKatz]

I'm not as talented as you might think, antimatter. After 2000 words in a chapter, my writing skill starts to spiral downward. Though it is a slow spiral if I have someone to restrain me.

Besides, as the planner, you have control over where the story goes and I'll follow after it.

So if you decide to have the story go with Tsuruko's husband is either dead or divorcing her, so Tsuruko decides to go after Keitaro. Tsuruko decides to have a special duel with Motoko. Winner gets to be the heir and the loser gets Keitaro, so both of the Aoyama do their best to lose the match, only for Tama's grandpa to appear. Tama's Grandpa turns out to be Gamera, friend to all children in the world!

...I'd write it, but I'd have to wonder if Gamera appearing was a punchline to a joke.

 

[AJ_Katon]

I do love the imagery of Motoko in a Nurse Cosplay. Please continue.

 

[Ordo]

I do love the imagery of Motoko in a Nurse Cosplay. Please continue.

Personally I wanted Motoko cosplaying as Milia Fallyna Jenius and Keitaro Cosplaying as Maximilian Jenius....oh wait you meant for this story....nevermind.

 

[HotelKatz]

Just letting you guys know, I'll be working on this and Chibi Hina every other month. Somehow, writing both of them at the same time seemed easy and a little fun...

The other Month, I'll be working on my Another blade in a second fic.

 

[PCHeintz72]

Just letting you guys know, I'll be working on this and Chibi Hina every other month. Somehow, writing both of them at the same time seemed easy and a little fun...

The other Month, I'll be working on my Another blade in a second fic.

I think, you may find you will stifle your creativity and desire to work on these stories. The issue is creative muse generally does not work well when kept to confined timetables like that unless you are very focused and have a lot of self disciplined....

I'm not telling you not to do that, merely don't be surprised if it does not work as well as you think it will...

Then again, it may work better than I'm imagining since you are also working with another person.

 

[HotelKatz]

I can't argue with that, PCHeintz72. My muse for another blade fic went away for a little bit after chapter 19 because of working under a time table.

Working with others somewhat brought her back.

 

[EagleCeres]

Left some comments on the doc.

But I do feel that I need to address a few things, specially since this fic replaces the Burning Blades Arc.

Naru felt a bit hypocritical of her position toward Kei at first, then a little TOO chatty and forthcoming with information about the people at the Inn, I would imagine she'd be wary of sharing anything about anyone there (particularly about the MALE manager at the FEMALE dorm). Considering how she's been giving Kei the cold shoulder since the confession (at the hospital), I'd wager she's been trying her hardest to avoid being in the same room as said ex-ronin; also is she still planning on going on THE Kyoto school trip (reason why she appeared at the final duel vs Tsuruko).

Tsuruko felt somewhat rushed, at the beginning she came off harsher than usual, as if she demanding attention; in canon she tends to come off as omniscient or able to pick up on things because she's "the all powerful and scary Motoko's OLDER SISTER!!!", but actually she tends to act all prim and proper, kind and collected, so people cant seem to resist to be attracted/influenced by her.

Kei and Motoko getting caught smooching in a room... now THERE'S something I'd love some backstory on. When did she realize she loved/lusted/wanted him? Who approached whom? Was it a fortuitous "accident" where they slipped landed face to face and they decided to roll with? Did Kei just give up on Naru or did Motoko decide notice his depression (and Naru's apparent 'giving up') spurring her to go for the gold?

Kitsune's teasing was good... but all sorts of red flags MUST be going off in her mind. Canonically she pledged (herself) to be some sort of bro(sis?)mantic wingwoman to Kei in the days between the confession to Naru and Tsuruko appearance; but now with Motoko of all people swooping in for the kill(rebound?) while Naru was away? Oh no, the Vixen ain't gonna let stuff go THAT easy.

Hope to read more

 

[HotelKatz]

I've did my best to make the changes that you suggested, EagleCeres, though I worry that the part where Tsuruko asks Naru where the Hinata's location is still off.

As for the events in the backstory of the fic, some of the events happened differently than in canon. After all, the question/idea for the fic pretty much was 'What if Motoko and Keitaro were in love and planning to get married by the time Tsuruko showed up?'

So one event in the backstory of the fic, Keitaro never said that he loved Naru in the hospital.

As for the point where this fic diverges from canon, Antimatter and I are currently debating that chapter 27 is where it occurred, though the exact point is still undecided. We're not going to re-write the whole series, just a few events. After a few chapters of backstory, there will a modified version of the Burn-up blade arc, Maybe Kitsune decides to sorta-tag along with Naru to Kyoto or something. That part is also still unplanned.

 

[Antimatter]

Right, we only really have to tell how a few major romantic arcs went differently, as well as insert some custom backstory to fill out events, rather then retelling all of canon. Honestly, a few of those chapters could probably be summed up in a single sentence.

The biggest issue I had initially with the head canon for this is well, how do the girls not notice the romance under their noses? Then It really hit me that well, they just might, but are too pre occupied with other things, combined with the couple in question doing things pretty privately, as well as their own preconceptions, to really put all the pieces together. Remember, what we see in canon is basically just their yearly highlights, the vast majority of the time is probably pretty mundane, and outside breakfast and dinner, I have to think they don't see too much of each other most days. School, work, studying, etc and so forth.

 

[EagleCeres]

Feel free to ignore the for some Wild Massive Guessing:

If anything, Motoko may have originally taken the initiative to "reform the pervert" and taken him out on "harsh training exercises"... which started up as normal (for a Shinmeiryu student) training regimens until, slowly but surely, they turned into somewhat cozy if somewhat romantic dates (never underestimate the power of the beef bowl after a walk at the park!) and they decided to try being a couple.

the if/and/or/but you might get from readers is "why'd Kei just plain give up on Naru/The Promise Girl?"
Kei may have at some moment (between the studying, HinataSou shenanigans, parties and adventures, etc) realized that his dream of "meeting someone at Toudai, having a happy romance and then happily ever after" wasn't as automatic/sequential as his mind had made it out to be... so why not just go with the flow?

Motoko herself, has changed some of her goals to become more mature (and womanly) vowed to get herself into said unversity and be more worldly (aka: she saw the chance to properly win the Keitaro bowl in the long run ) before taking up the mantle as the next leader of the Shinmeiryu.

Naru: could somehow be discarded as "well, maybe she wasn't the promise girl after all"... specially after all visits to LEO courtesy of Tsundere Airlines and her vehement denials of attraction to him (pushed him away a few too many times).

Mutsumi: might not even be in the running due to all the KeiNaru shipping she did, which went up in smoke due to both Naru's (and Motoko's) actions in the corresponding time.

 

[shioran toushin]

or he decided that Naru's (and Mitsune's) affection towards Seta were her reasons to go to Todai and he was shipping them?

 

[Antimatter]

Honestly, the manga gives you a few nice places in which to send Keitaro off toward another girl, with only a few minor changes really needed. I have a pretty easy one in mind, that should work in the context of then shipping some Motoko/Keitaro action. I'm mainly looking at events in three arcs: ch 27 with Motoko having to act like a woman for a day, the first beach trip arc (which will have some changes) and ch 40 with the mountain retreat (aka caterpillar Keitaro) which will be the major fork for the back story.

The changes should give Keitaro enough distance from Naru, as well as enough admiration for motoko, that he'll be willing to give her a fair shot, which quickly turns into love. After all, he is, in canon, attracted to her, and has fantasized about what their life together would be like.

Motoko, well, we already know what she acts like when shes crushing on someone, when shes love sick, and even post confession. That actually makes it easy to imagine her mindset during parts of this fic, we are just moving around in canon a bit where she starts to feel what. Her crushing is moved up a bit, her lovesickness as well, and finally her post confession mindset and beyond. By the time of the opening chapter you read, they have been dating for some time, and very recently got engaged. You may say it was pretty quick, but hey, that happens in real life. I only dated my wife for about a year. My aunt dated her spurse for only six weeks. When you know, you know. In canon, Keitaro and Naru where only formally dating for a few months it seems when he proposed to her. With Keitaro and Motoko, its similar. Also remember, they knew each other before they started dating as well, nearly a year in addition, iirc from the manga timeline.

As for the LEO stuff, this is mostly based off the manga, which doesn't go so over the top with the violence and pervert punish stuff.

 

[alansg]

The earliest point where Keitaro and Motoko could start something is actually chapter 6, when she gets sick.

Suppose that the next day she is still felling down and nobody else is at home (school, work) except for Keitaro, that now has to take care of her. He brings breakfast and lunch to her room and they engage in a small conversation. He realizes that she is a normal girl (in a somewhat extreme definition of normal) and she starts to trust him more (and little by little start to realize that the "crush" she had on him the night before might have not been caused by the fever).

Their relationship develops from there, and then when Keitaro "forces" Motoko to act like a girl for one day, it is actually an excuse for them to have their first formal date.

 

[Antimatter]

I actually hadn't thought of that as a break point. That would be an interesting starting point for a fic I think. would make for a more open sappy romance though.

In the context of this fic, i'd chalk it up as just another of the events that leads motoko to believe that Keitaro could be a good match for her. IIRC, she passes the events off in canon not as love, but as just part of her fever. but yeah, after the events of 27, she could start to look back on it more fondly.

I'm going to have to do a reread of the manga from 1-40 I think, really make a list of all the motoko/keitaro stuff we could use in the backstory.

 

[Antimatter]

Reread 1-27 for the first time in a long time, focusing mainly of parts that involved Motoko. There is actually quite a bit that can be easily reworked to fit a Mot/Kei story.

Will do 28-40 probably tomorrow. So far though, there is quite a bit of untapped potential here in terms of story launch points and background events.

 

[HotelKatz]

Here is the second chapter.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DxYz4Q4eVDxB2T8YLlK1knl2_HlYOtQQRg7agoxP70w/edit?usp=sharing

 

[Antimatter]

I'm very happy with how this is playing out so far, and we haven't even gotten to the meat of the story yet.

 

[EagleCeres]

“And shortly after Motoko had taken my cocoa, I decided to go to sleep,” Keitaro said. “I guess that would be our first indirect kiss.”

Motoko’s eyes widened. “W-w-wait… You didn’t drink any of that cocoa, did you?”

“Of course I did, while I was walking up to the balcony,” Keitaro replied, looking curious at why Motoko was so concerned about one little detail from back then.

That curiosity increased a little when Motoko blushed red.

HHHHHNNNNGGGG!!!! Someone get me my insulin/heart medicine!!! :wub:

But seriously, good continuation. Great dialog and selection of flashbacks/stories to share about their blossoming romance.

Motoko seems to have thawed quicker here, and with good reason. Kei's a sweetheart and with the right motivation and support he could be Mister Right for any of the girls, while still being the pillar of support they all know, love and become dependent on. Kinda feel sorry for Shinobu, but them's the breaks shorty, at least he'll still be an awesome sempai/onii-chan to the young bluenette.

Referencing Naru, Mutsumi and HIM "finally got into Toudai", points out his usual oathkeeper personality; but steers clear of the "happily ever after with said Promise Girl" plot hole that many stories feel they have to follow (one way or another) or completely avoid (because it's that inconvenient). But here, he seems like he left that particular tagged on daydream by the wayside when Motoko learned to use her feminine wiles (or just her amped up her DereDere side while dialing down the TsunTsun) and how our favorite ex-ronin reacts to her positive influence :snigger:

hope to read more soon and keep up the great work!

 

[Antimatter]

“And shortly after Motoko had taken my cocoa, I decided to go to sleep,” Keitaro said. “I guess that would be our first indirect kiss.”

Motoko’s eyes widened. “W-w-wait… You didn’t drink any of that cocoa, did you?”

“Of course I did, while I was walking up to the balcony,” Keitaro replied, looking curious at why Motoko was so concerned about one little detail from back then.

That curiosity increased a little when Motoko blushed red.

HHHHHNNNNGGGG!!!! Someone get me my insulin/heart medicine!!! :wub:

But seriously, good continuation. Great dialog and selection of flashbacks/stories to share about their blossoming romance.

Motoko seems to have thawed quicker here, and with good reason. Kei's a sweetheart and with the right motivation and support he could be Mister Right for any of the girls, while still being the pillar of support they all know, love and become dependent on. Kinda feel sorry for Shinobu, but them's the breaks shorty, at least he'll still be an awesome sempai/onii-chan to the young bluenette.

Referencing Naru, Mutsumi and HIM "finally got into Toudai", points out his usual oathkeeper personality; but steers clear of the "happily ever after with said Promise Girl" plot hole that many stories feel they have to follow (one way or another) or completely avoid (because it's that inconvenient). But here, he seems like he left that particular tagged on daydream by the wayside when Motoko learned to use her feminine wiles (or just her amped up her DereDere side while dialing down the TsunTsun) and how our favorite ex-ronin reacts to her positive influence :snigger:

hope to read more soon and keep up the great work!

Yeah, I really loved the cocoa scene HotalKatz came up with, it's a subtle bit of waff that really works.

Motoko at this point in the lfashback backstory is not yet crushing on Keitaro, but rather, has moved into the respect/friendly banter phase. Even in canon she seemed like she was feeling things for him, but her pride and ego really prevented her from even acknowledging this. By the time she does, it's too late.

We are just, ah, moving that little bit of timeline up a bit, via a few minor forks/event changes, followed by one massive one right after the beach arc.

Honestly, it's from here till that major fork where we are going to see the biggest boons and setbacks toward the Motoko/Kei pairing. There was a ton of Naru/Kei stuff in canon around then, but luckily, also a few choice Motoko/Kei. We probably won't hit them all, save for the ones most important to our pairing.

 

[HotelKatz]

Thanks, Eagle Ceres. I used most of your suggestions. The one I didn't was the one about Granny Hina 'inviting' Keitaro over.

Antimatter and I are going by the manga. According to the copy of the manga I have, Keitaro came unannounced to the Inn.

As for the next chapters to to either used or referenced, I'm thinking about chapters 10 and 12. As for the third part, I'm deciding either chapter 13 or a switch over to the chat between Kitsune and Naru. If it's the latter I should go with, I have to decide what Naru's mood should be. At the moment, maybe a bit flighty or moodswingy, switching between being proud that Keitaro is taking his studies seriously and being concerned about how much less he's been giving her attention.

The two moods suggested are Antimatter's ideas, by the way.

Like always, any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[Antimatter]

Thanks, Eagle Ceres. I used most of your suggestions. The one I didn't was the one about Granny Hina 'inviting' Keitaro over.

Antimatter and I are going by the manga. According to the copy of the manga I have, Keitaro came unannounced to the Inn.

As for the next chapters to to either used or referenced, I'm thinking about chapters 10 and 12. As for the third part, I'm deciding either chapter 13 or a switch over to the chat between Kitsune and Naru. If it's the latter I should go with, I have to decide what Naru's mood should be. At the moment, maybe a bit flighty or moodswingy, switching between being proud that Keitaro is taking his studies seriously and being concerned about how much less he's been giving her attention.

The two moods suggested are Antimatter's ideas, by the way.

Like always, any suggestions would be appreciated.

Ch 10 and 12 eh? So new years I and when he thought he failed the center exam? Yeah, I can see some things to work with in those two chapters. 12 would give us a chance to show that motoko is indeed concerned for his well being and explains why she tries to help him get well in 13. 17-24 is probably only going to be glossed over, as well, it's all naru/Kei/Mutsumi stuff that doesn't really effect the couple, save for perhaps a few comments by Motoko.

 

[HotelKatz]

I put in a thanks to alansg in chapter 2 for the suggestion of the chapter to start from. I can't believe I didn't do that until now.

alansg, I hope you can forgive me for my lateness in doing so.

 

[alansg]

No problem, what's important is that my comment was useful for you.