Akamatsuverse Love Hina - A private engagement

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#26
Here's the link to chapter 3 on GDoc.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nXl6CNWL6Zw0MaSzzKmDceD8pX1UGbkfYs-tkPPtAlg/edit?usp=sharing

Next chapter should pick up in pace a bit, storywise.
 

rukia8492

Well-Known Member
#27
nice, i enjoyed it
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#29
I'm sorry it took so long to finish the chapter. Stuff in RL kept getting in the way.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GXpGfVqmdZPlj3px59lmMC6FOGPNyp56WQAXpcQ-Pkk/edit?usp=sharing
 
#30
I think the only it needs is notes telling us which chapter of the manga you're working from, for a before and after contrast
 

ThreadWeaver

Beware of Dog. Cat not trustworthy either.
#32
The story is good so far. Kinda thought this one had died. Good to see it back.

I made a few basic suggestions to punctuation and whatnot, but I can't fix a larger problem in the construction of the dialogue. Generally, when you are using dialogue tags, e.g. "He said," you shouldn't have more than one complete sentence in between the quotes.

As a completely made up example:
"You Suck. Let's go out for lunch!" the schizophrenic tsundere exclaimed.
Technically, that's a no-no.

It should be more like this:
"You suck," the schizophrenic tsundere stated flatly. "Let's go out for lunch!"

Keitaro's eyes crossed at the blatant contradiction, one strong enough to override even his pleaser personality. "Ah, no thanks. I think I'd better be fixing the failing roof four stories up."

The first is broken up so that each set of quotations is a single sentence. If you have multiple sentences in between quotes, then find a different way to indicate who's talking without using tags. The second paragraph doesn't need a tag as we know who's talking. One paragraph: one perspective, one person talking.

Technically, Keitaro's statement could be on its own line, and the preceding narrative will point to who's saying it. BUT, with fanfiction, the double spaces between every paragraph that is so typically accepted makes it harder to do this and still maintain the indication of who's speaking. So I generally don't try to force that one.

You can google "proper formatting of dialogue in fiction" if you want more background.
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#33
HotelKatz said:
I might do that.

Antimatter, should we do that?
We could, though, it's going to be skipping around a whole bunch from here on. But it should be easy to say what chapters the flashbacks were from, given we've literally been using the manga timeline to figure out what chapters had the best Motoko/Keitaro moments.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#34
Wow... have I been gone off the radar THAT long?

Put in a couple of notes for chapter 3, otherwise it's very solid and entertaining read.
The flashbacks and subtle changes to Motoko's demeanor and her tolerance/acceptance of Kei make her an even more attractive partner for him.
Tsuruko seems like she's holding back on the trolling (as per we in the fanon community love to characterize her), but it works as she seems genuinely interested in healing their previously "fractured" relationship (and finding out all the juicy gossip).

As for chapter 4, the back and forth among the characters is very dynamic and flows smoothly.
Tsuruko's initial protective elder sister was cute, but then the implied "we're gonna have words, Motoko" really drove in her maturity and understanding in handling her sister's relationship.
Naru's attempts at not being jealous (and failing) are SOOOO DELICIOUS.
Su being a KeixMoto shipper is fun, since it works with her personality... and I wouldn't doubt she and Motoko had a long talk about him being off limits; even with the "Kaolla is a princess, harems are allowed" plotbunny that is always available.

keep up the great work Katz
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#35
I have to give all the credit for the subtle changes to HotelKatz here. Some of the small, but very waffy changes, such as the indirect kiss and new skirt, etc, were all his ideas.

A good thing to remember was Tsuruko showed up a day early compared to canon in terms of the burn up arc, hence why Naru is even there right now. Naru is still set to leave on her trip the next day, and I Motoko still has school.

Su is, well, not as stupid as I think fanon sometimes makes her, and she obviously knows how to keep a secret. After all, she hid being a princess for years before it was rather forced to come out.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#36
Thanks, Eagle Ceres and Threadweaver.

Threadweaver, I'll google what you suggested when I have some free time to sit back and study it. I can't promise that I'll make an immediate improvement, but I'll do my best to give it a try. The reason I hadn't added in such a long time was because of two things.

1.), I had written a Ah! My goddess/ Killer Klowns from Outer space crossover fic for Halloween, but it ran over Thankgiving and almost into December. It was fun to write a horror fic for A!MG. Thought about doing one for Love Hina with Killer Klowns in a few years.

2.) On Christmas, I got a stomach bug that lasted for awhile. I'm feeling much better now.

Antimatter, do remember that you were the one who came up with the idea for the fic in the first place.

Chapter 5 is almost done. Just have to make a few changes before I submit it to Antimatter. After that a few more changes and then it appears on the topic.
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#37
True,. but most of the magic that actually makes it worth reading is all you.

Seriously, that cocoa scene was brilliant.
 
#38
I think I might have missed something when I re-read it all, wasn't there something about Mokoto wanting Keitaro to dom her? Does her sister realize/know this? Will she act upon it?
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#39
gemmaethanwhitaker said:
I think I might have missed something when I re-read it all, wasn't there something about Mokoto wanting Keitaro to dom her? Does her sister realize/know this? Will she act upon it?

Granted she will do the usual man molding that women do to their significant others to bring him more in line with her ideal, that's just expected. And in ways, the opposite will happen as well.

I should note that in canon, she does fantasize about assertive Keitaro and how hot that would be. I expect her to have similar fantasies here. In canon, he can act like that at times, taking sometimes very bold risks to himself to help one of the girls.

Once they start dating and establish their boundaries, I wouldn't put it past Keitaro to be a bit bold at times.
 
#40
Sorry, Anitmatter I thought on my first read through of the fic that I'd spotted multiple instances of such, on my second I only found one
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#41
Which incident was that, btw? I want to make sure i'm remembering the right one.
 
#42
Was confusing one of the comments with the text, sorry (Or at least what I could remember was on of the comments)
 

Prince Charon

Well-Known Member
#43
gemmaethanwhitaker said:
Was confusing one of the comments with the text, sorry (Or at least what I could remember was on of the comments)
To be fair, IIRC, she and Naru both have fantasies like that in canon.
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#44
Prince Charon said:
gemmaethanwhitaker said:
Was confusing one of the comments with the text, sorry (Or at least what I could remember was on of the comments)
To be fair, IIRC, she and Naru both have fantasies like that in canon.
Naru seems more the type who is a combo of exhibitionist, and sadist who loves punishing Keitaro when he actually takes her bait to peep on her. Its some sort of kinky game to her.

Motoko is more the one who just turns to girl putty when Keitaro does anything assertive toward her, in a romantic or sexual sense. Once Keitaro learns where the limits are, I think hes be more then happy to let his hands wonder or steal a kiss, where appropriate.

Foir the record, they haven't slept together yet at the start of the fic. Remember her part time job is as a miko, and I don't think shes the type to give up the prize so easily.
 

ThreadWeaver

Beware of Dog. Cat not trustworthy either.
#45
Antimatter said:
Prince Charon said:
gemmaethanwhitaker said:
Was confusing one of the comments with the text, sorry (Or at least what I could remember was on of the comments)
To be fair, IIRC, she and Naru both have fantasies like that in canon.
Naru seems more the type who is a combo of exhibitionist, and sadist who loves punishing Keitaro when he actually takes her bait to peep on her. Its some sort of kinky game to her.

Motoko is more the one who just turns to girl putty when Keitaro does anything assertive toward her, in a romantic or sexual sense. Once Keitaro learns where the limits are, I think hes be more then happy to let his hands wonder or steal a kiss, where appropriate.

Foir the record, they haven't slept together yet at the start of the fic. Remember her part time job is as a miko, and I don't think shes the type to give up the prize so easily.
There is just so much wrong with Naru, I can't even narrow it down to one thing. She knows she's sexy and she doesn't want people to think of her as a body without a brain, so she dresses down... Then later becomes a scantily clad Idol singer and shows it off. She wants attention from Keitaro, but ONLY on her terms, all the while expecting him to just hang around forever pining for her, waiting for her to make up her mind while abusing him. He's also not allowed to look at other women, but she can cruise the market as she sees fit. And on... and on...

She makes me want to throw her into one of the Hinata springs... from the roof of the inn.
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#46
She dresses down only for class, really. Around the dorm, or with keitaro alone, she dresses cute to sexy. Ditto for when shes around Seta.

It seems like she wants top flaunt it when around friends or loved ones, or when said people can benefit for her (such as her bathing suit choices in the series). I think there is a major conflict between parts of her personality though, the part that wants to put off major relationship issues and runs when things get tough, the part that wants to show off her killer figure and be sexy, and the part that seeks to punish perverts/etc. She's a flighty sadist exhibitionist, and that's actually a pretty bizarre combo.

Motoko was much easier to figure out. She distrusted men, and thus lashed out at their perversions, until she herself found a man worth loving. In the manga, once she falls for Keitaro, she becomes way, WAY nicer to him, and no longer punishes him in the same way. Granted, it's not till she loses him entirely that she finally breaks down and confesses, unable to deal with the heartache.

Also note how Naru loved to flaunt Keitaro once she won him. Making out in the hotsprings in front of everyone? really? She's indeed quite possessive. The only one probably more possessive of him in canon was Kanako.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#47
Alright, Here is chapter 5.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uYvyq5ZglKlmpWPVzcuZ6S52FXR2vrKYJfMrHLVyxGg/edit


As for the swimsuit that Motoko is wearing, here the pic that Antimatter gave me to use a reference material

http://swimsummit.com/shop/speedo-womens-mercury-splice-endurance-drop-back-one-piece-swimsuit-blackblue-32/
 

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#49
gemmaethanwhitaker said:
The swimsuit looks a bit plan for a LH character, but I think it suits Motoko
The idea was to put her in a stereotypical 'anime racing swimsuit'. You know, modest to aggressive cut, curve hugging tightness, shows off her long limbs and figure without having to resort to a bikini. You also see simular suits worn in a lot of JAV films in 'the pool' set.

It's something she would purchase for its combo of utility and sexyness, without being too far out of character. In canon, she wore something simular to a school bathing suit that wasn't too flattering to her figure.

Assume whats in the story fits her like a glove, and comes off looking like a swimsuit model just stepped off the page.
 
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