Akamatsuverse Love Hina - A private engagement

Antimatter

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#51
#51
gemmaethanwhitaker said:
It would help if I knew which chapter this is based on
Click to expand...
034. "Let's Go To The Beach" (海へいこう! "Umi e Ikō!"?)
035. "Midsummer Night's Passion" (真夏の夜のパッション "Manatsu no Yoru no Passhon"?)
036. "He Became Fireworks" (花火になったアイツ "Hanabi ni Natta Aitsu"?)
037. "Lovely Goku And Friends ♥" (ラブリー悟空と愉快な仲間たち "Raburī Gokū to Yukai na Nakamatachi"?)

The previous chapter, about the dual, was 027. "Kendo Girl's Tiny Little Problem" (剣道娘の小さな悩み "Kendō Musume no Chiisana Nayami"?).

Next chapter will cover:

038. "Happening Chu ♥" (パプニングCHU "Papuningu Chu"?)
039. "Kiss Me Senpai ♥" (キスMeセンパイ "Kisu Me Senpai"?)
040. "Blooming Innocence's Retreat To A Mountain!?" (花咲く乙女の山ごもり!? "Hanasaku Otome no Yamagomori!?"?)

After that, things get quite different.
 
rukia8492

rukia8492

Well-Known Member
#52
#52
Hotelkatz, I am honestly enjoying this story man. I really can't wait for more.
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#53
#53
Alright, here is a link to chapter 6

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y8XKzJba_epPWSClU6LmttiJquGzOgAWolObASmRiLg/edit?usp=sharing

---

Also, I changed chapter 1's author's note about my other fic "Another Blade in a second" to this

"As for my ‘Another Blade in a second’ fic, it is not cancelled, only on hiatus. I’m still working on it. most of the current work for that fic is coming up with ideas for potential plots. When I get back to really working on it, I’ll probably first re-write the chapters before getting to work on new chapters. Nothing major, just changing a few areas that I’m not so proud of."
 
G

gemmaethanwhitaker

Well-Known Member
#54
#54
OK, two things. One, reading this fic is leading me to hate Google Docs.

Two, what is meant by this paragraph? "“I’ll go pack my belongings before I head back. I suggest you do the same,” Motoko cheerfully said before she scampered away. It took Keitaro almost a minute to move from the spot Motoko had kissed him." From what I can tell their back from the beach visit, so unless she wants them to leave the Hinta So
 
DaJuggernaut

DaJuggernaut

Well-Known Member
#55
#55
They are back from the beach. At this point, they're at that small training cabin out in the woods where Motoko learns the 'Cutting Evil Strike: Second Form'.
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#56
#56
That part was using the manga's chapter 40, gemmaethanwhitaker. They're merely going back to the Hinata after spending a night in the Cabin that Motoko was using when she tried leaving the Hinata when she thought her skills were suffering because of Keitaro.

If there is a way to make things clearer gemmaethanwhitaker, let me know.
 
G

gemmaethanwhitaker

Well-Known Member
#57
#57
I think the big thing is that there's no indication for Keitaro to have things to pack. Yeah, Motoko will have stuff, as she planed to move out of the Hinta-So, but Keitaro etl. where only tagging along to see what she was doing, why would they have packed over night bags?
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#58
#58
Keitaro had a sleeping bag. Su and Sarah had blankets. I suspect they also had a few changes of clothes because they might have thought it might take a few days to convince Motoko to go back to the Hinata.

This is what I got from re-reading the manga chapter and what I saw from the pictures.

Edit : I added this line to the chapter

When he was able to move, Keitaro said, “I guess getting ready for more than an overnight stay was pointless…”
Click to expand...
I'm going to admit, it seems superfluous. Then again, I'd rather be safe than sorry when it comes to small details like this.
 
Antimatter

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#59
#59
There were actually quite a few small changes in the last couple of chapters compared to canon, and one big one, that will really set the stage for what comes after.

Granted, some things may still happen, such as the amusement park date, maybe the aquarium, but the really waffy Naru/Mutsumi stuff? Certainty not going to go down the same way. Keitaro has no reason to be flirtatious if he is dating someone already.

We skipped over 39, but may touch on what happened a bit later (it didn't happen like canon).
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#60
#60
I'll look over the comments on chapter 6 over the weekend, folks. I'll have time then.

Edit : Thank you, Threadweaver. You're a big help.
 
EagleCeres

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
#61
#61
Back from my pilgrimage to the otaku holy land; kinda sad I didn't see any Motoko figures in the display cases in Akihabara :unsure!:

Anywhoo.... really enjoying these last two chapters, went ahead and left some notes on google.
Chap 5 was solid if a bit short, it left me wanting MOAR!!!! could benefit of a little extra fluff.
Chap 6 was definitely deliciously romantic and a good show of Motoko finally reaching out for the brass ring.

Point of Nitpick: too much tell, not enough show.
Would be nice if you would flesh out those scenes a bit more, be flowery and describe backgrounds, is it night or day?, what is the mood like?.

As is, the chapters are not bad, tons better than what my personal muse gives me to gnaw on and try to push through the keyboard, but it feels a bit cut and dry, like reading from a script; and going a bit on a limb, while most of us love the fandom enough to imagine the scenes from the chapters/episodes, new readers will enjoy the dialog but get a feeling of "there's something missing here".

Otherwise, awesome job on the dialogues and cute diabetes reactions from Motoko
Keep up the great work Katz
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#62
#62
Thanks, EagleCeres. I looked over your comments and used the ones that were suggestions and pointed out mistakes. I added this detail, since it wasall I could think of at the moment.

After the two got outside, Motoko looked away from Keitaro. Motoko looked around, seeking anything that might give her strength. Looking towards the horizon, the sun would rise within a hour or two. The air had a bit of a feeling that was a sign that there had been a storm some time ago. There was barely any sounds around them, save for the odd cricket here and there.
Click to expand...
---

Antimatter, what should the summary of our story be? The limit is 384 characters.
 
Antimatter

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#63
#63
You know, I never actually thought about that. something like 'When Tsuruko drops by the dorm to bring Motoko back home to Kyoto, she anticipated any number of excuses and fabrications as an answer, but she never could have anticipated the truth'.

Except you know, actually written well.
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#64
#64
I'll see what I can come up with. If I can't think of one, I'll use and/or modify yours.
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#65
#65
Well, here's my versions for the description

"An act of kindness and a moment of bravery can make love bloom, even when no one is looking"

"Tsuruko visits her sister and gets to deal with her sister reminiscing the antics at the Hinata"

"What if... it wasn't a lie? It wasn't an attempt to stay longer at the Hinata?"

... I honestly should have went with my gut and have opened it up to the board.
 
rukia8492

rukia8492

Well-Known Member
#66
#66
Option 3 sounds good
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#67
#67
alright, I'll use number Three, unless anyone else can think of something better.

What should be the genre? My gut feeling says to go with Friendship/Romance.
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#68
#68
Alright, the chapter is up on FFN.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11238736/1/Love-Hina-A-Private-Engagement
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#69
#69
Alright, it's late, but here is chapter 7. It's a break from the previous chapters and the next one probably will be as well.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XEZ40JXuRePB3lXz66pUWuwThmjPh1jMOWboxz8ytmU/edit?usp=sharing

Next will be Tsuruko 'chatting' with Keitaro and Motoko. Then Dinner.

Since Antimatter and I got quite a few good ideas from you guys, we thought it might be a good idea to see if you had any ideas for what questions for Tsuruko to ask.

Here's the guidelines that Antimatter said to me.

Tsuruko confirms that they are basically a pair of blushing virgins, though obviously interested in each other physically.

Tsuruko congratulates them on their relationship, but cannot officially endorse it to her parents until she sees more, mainly in terms of what Motoko has taught him, and what he knows about the sort of world hes marrying into. A lot of candid questions about this, not outside stating "so what do you know about magic?". He's isn't a normal family, after all, if Keitaro can't accept the weird stuff, it's a doomed relationship. Given he is invincible, his fiance hurls keys attacks like its nothing, he's got a flying turtle as a pet, and his family may be a clan of super powered ninjas based on his sisters fighting style, this shouldn't be a big concern to him. I figure shes at least passingly familiar with the Urashima school of jujitsu though, given motoko was sent to live under Hina's roof. Question is more how much does Keitaro know. He uses some of it's arts in the canon manga, so I take it he knows a bit about it.

She might mention she will test his and motokos skills, but hasn't decided on the how yet, planning to sleep on it.
Click to expand...
As for my guidelines, if you can think of a good response for Keitaro or Motoko for Tsuruko's questions, go ahead and either write it or describe it.

You will receive credit for your work. I promise you all that.
 
Antimatter

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#70
#70
that shoudl have been 'not outright stating' and not 'outside'. She's obviously not going to spill the beans about the family business/magic just yet, more feeling out what he knows.
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#71
#71
And chapter 8 is ready for you guys! This helping of reading material has no flashbacks!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VXPaPVD0ijJtJ0bMbqw42ylWkIXMbiUbh3rndAalMDY/edit?usp=sharing
 
L

Lyther

Member
#72
#72
HotelKatz said:
And chapter 8 is ready for you guys! This helping of reading material has no flashbacks!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VXPaPVD0ijJtJ0bMbqw42ylWkIXMbiUbh3rndAalMDY/edit?usp=sharing
Click to expand...
Hey this is good, I like how Keitaro needs to not only accept Motoko's life style but also her 'world' too.
:yay:
 
H

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
#73
#73
Alright, this chapter I actually had a lot of problems getting out. Both because of writer's block and stuff in Real life. Antimatter was and is a great help, but I do think that this still has a rough feel to it.

I also can't think of a good series to reference in the scene with the plushy.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Lc-9AWBewJ8sFvk4mzzw9ZMKfdSRE8-nWlWh7_x9flc/edit?usp=sharing
 
L

Lyther

Member
#74
#74
HotelKatz said:
Alright, this chapter I actually had a lot of problems getting out. Both because of writer's block and stuff in Real life. Antimatter was and is a great help, but I do think that this still has a rough feel to it.

I also can't think of a good series to reference in the scene with the plushy.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Lc-9AWBewJ8sFvk4mzzw9ZMKfdSRE8-nWlWh7_x9flc/edit?usp=sharing
Click to expand...
For what it's worth it was definitely worth the wait. well done.
 
Antimatter

Antimatter

Well-Known Member
#75
#75
Good series with UFO catcher scenes? I liked Mayo Chikis myself. Granted, it's been in a ton of series as it's something of a romantic trope.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top