Ranma ½ Rosario + Ranma
- Thread starter Black Dragon74
- Start date
Probably Jesus. Norris can only harness his meme powers that are currently trending. Macgyver is fueled by gum wrappers, paper clips, and rubber bands. Without a steady supply and scrap machinery to work with he's essentially powerless.
Otherwise would depend on the arena they faced off in. Within the ruins of an ancient secret civilization Mac could pull it off.
Otherwise would depend on the arena they faced off in. Within the ruins of an ancient secret civilization Mac could pull it off.
Just a moment. Running a Bing search...
(Hold music plays)
Ah, I see.
No, that's a terrible idea.
Other dragons are jerks, especially those that make claims to unfathomable wisdom or intelligence (just because my score is objectively lower than yours doesn't mean that... erm... seriously, screw those guys!)
(Hold music plays)
Ah, I see.
No, that's a terrible idea.
Other dragons are jerks, especially those that make claims to unfathomable wisdom or intelligence (just because my score is objectively lower than yours doesn't mean that... erm... seriously, screw those guys!)
Well, no matter how interesting Niv-Mizzet is, it wouldn't be plausible for him to appear in this story anyway for several reason:
1. He doesn't have a human form. I know some teachers at the school have shitty human disguises (if you could call them that), but at least they're humanoid.
2. Travelling to other planes without being a planeswalker is apparently nigh-impossible. Niv should be stuck in Ravnica.
3. Niv is one of the smartest dragons in MtG, as a result he has great sense of self preservation. So Niv would just run away from any battle that could potentially get him killed. After a few moments at the academy, he'll probably just ditch the whole place rather than deal with the dangers.
1. He doesn't have a human form. I know some teachers at the school have shitty human disguises (if you could call them that), but at least they're humanoid.
2. Travelling to other planes without being a planeswalker is apparently nigh-impossible. Niv should be stuck in Ravnica.
3. Niv is one of the smartest dragons in MtG, as a result he has great sense of self preservation. So Niv would just run away from any battle that could potentially get him killed. After a few moments at the academy, he'll probably just ditch the whole place rather than deal with the dangers.
Canon Tsukune, maybe.
Big Human Tsukune would have the invasion taken care of within a week. He'd assault the alien mother ship and force an audience with their military leaders, with Ranma standing by under the umi-sen ken in case negotations go sour.
Before long the invasion would be over, and the aliens would be shunted into a new YA satellite campus/re-education camp, Xeno Academy.
Big Human Tsukune would have the invasion taken care of within a week. He'd assault the alien mother ship and force an audience with their military leaders, with Ranma standing by under the umi-sen ken in case negotations go sour.
Before long the invasion would be over, and the aliens would be shunted into a new YA satellite campus/re-education camp, Xeno Academy.
Ranma would be there the whole time. Cyclones would be available on command.
Your username is "Neuropain," so it's possible you're just bing in-character or something, but otherwise you're being awfully melodramatic. It's just another shoddy anime series combining a few popular keywords to try to hook viewers (in this case: vampires, aliens, harem).
Your username is "Neuropain," so it's possible you're just bing in-character or something, but otherwise you're being awfully melodramatic. It's just another shoddy anime series combining a few popular keywords to try to hook viewers (in this case: vampires, aliens, harem).
Okay, so here's the fight with Jesus. To be concluded in the next part.
"Tsukune, are you sure about this?" Moka said nervously, following the human boy down a flight of creaking stairs into the shabby underbelly of the academy, "shouldn't we have brought the others along? I really feel like we should have brought the others along."
Tsukune shook his head as he pushed forward. "If this Swarmlord is as dangerous as the encyclo... uh... as dangerous as its reputation suggests, then the others could be killed in an instant. We have to take care of this ourselves."
"Okay..." Moka mumbled slowly, perplexed as to why Tsukune had written off Ranma as a casualty waiting to happen. She'd always thought that, if anything, Tsukune severely overestimated the martial artist, and assumed Ranma was invincible. "So what are we going to do, then?"
Tsukune halted as he stepped into the old hallway, glancing up at a dim, flickering light mounted on the ceiling. He actually hadn't thought of any plan beyond unleashing Inner Moka and charging the beast, and then moving on toward the storage vaults behind it, but maybe there was a better way.
"Didn't they say that Professor Richard hatched the Swarmlord?" Tsukune asked, trying and failing to recall any teacher by that name in his dimension. "Do you think he lost control of it?"
Moka blinked, not having thought of that. "I don't know," she admitted, "but why would that matter?"
"Well, do you think a teacher would let this creature go on a bloody rampage if he could prevent it?" Tsukune asked, quite reasonably feeling that no instructor could be so pointlessly destructive.
"Yes, absolutely," Moka said without hesitation, "though I admit that he'd be more likely to chain it up as a guard pet in some part of the academy that people frequently use, or put it in a pit under his classroom and drop students into it via a trap door."
As Tsukune's mind boggled at the casual way in which Moka described the sanctioned massacre of Youkai Academy's students, another voice interrupted them.
"I actually hadn't thought of that last one. The trap doors would take some time to build, and I'd need to custom order a gold bikini for when I eventually take you captive, but it's still workable," Richard said thoughtfully, causing both of the teenagers to spin around to face him.
Or rather, spin around, and then look down onto the floor where Richard was lying on his belly, several slash marks cutting across his back. He was dragging himself along by his claw-tipped fingers, and had pulled himself up past a corner such that only his upper torso was visible to the pair.
"Professor Richard," Moka grumbled, "I don't suppose you have anything to say for yourself?"
"Yes, actually," Richard said seriously, propping up his chin on his elbows, "fatherhood is not as joyful and rewarding as I was led to believe."
Urrrraaaaaaaugh! A distant roar came from within the broken hallways, and the walls trembled as bits of dirt and clumps of mildew sprinkled down on them from the ceiling.
"They grow up so fast," Richard said with a melodramatic sigh, "before long he'll be off to space college, calling me to send him money while drunkenly humping half his hive fleet."
"Can we be serious about this for a minute?" Tsukune asked, finding this instructor incredibly annoying.
"All right, you have sixty seconds. Go!"
"First of all, why did you hatch that egg?" Moka asked, glaring at the warlock.
"It was either that or the world's largest omelette, and I didn't have any onions," Richard replied.
"You said you were going to be serious," Tsukune growled.
"I was," Richard said with a shrug, still lying at the teenagers' feet, "I lost the ability to tell between drama and comedy long ago, when I found out that lighting people on fire tends to generate both of them at once. It's confusing."
Tsukune meant to give Moka an incredulous look, but the vampiress was entirely focused on Richard, as if she wasn't fazed by his bizarre behavior.
"What will you do if it gets loose and starts attacking the students?" Moka demanded.
"Watch," Richard said without a trace of deceit, irony, or remorse, "still being serious."
"Can you still control the Swarmlord at all?" Tsukune asked, deciding to get to the heart of the matter.
In response, Richard clutched the floor and dragged himself forward on his belly, dragging the rest of his body into view. What little of it there was left, anyway. Richard had been torn apart at the waist, and the warlock's intestines trailed behind his torso on top of a trail of curiously luminescent green slime.
Tsukune promptly clamped his hands over his mouth, his bile rising at the horrific sight.
Moka, oddly enough, merely sighed, brushing off the disturbing image. "So it's already out of control, then?"
"He's just in his rebellious phase," Richard said defensively, "by the way, you sixty seconds are up."
"Did you at least manage to wound it?" Moka asked.
"Yes, but it didn't help," Richard grumbled, "I don't care what anyone says, a 3+ invulnerable save on a monstrous creature is ridiculous, even if it's only in close combat."
Neither Moka nor Tsukune had anything to say to that, until the latter finally asked, "Can we be serious for another minute?"
"No. This is all far too amusing," Richard insisted.
"You've had your legs ripped off, people have been killed, and an alien beast is threatening to demolish the school!" Tsukune snapped. "You think that's amusing?"
"Yes, tremendously," Richard answered simply, "do you have any other stupid questions I can answer?"
"No, I think we're done," Moka confessed half-heartedly as she stepped past the horribly maimed warlock.
Tsukune was much more hesitant about leaving the injured teacher there in the hall, but eventually relented and followed the pink-haired girl further into gloom.
"Okay, so what are we going to do, exactly?" Moka asked, glancing uncomfortably at a long, deep cut in the wall the ran at least four meters long. The halls, which had been in bad shape before, were now all but destroyed, with the floor a mess of splinters and the ceiling riddled with gouges and holes.
"We're going to find that Swarmlord, and then I'll unleash you inner self," Tsukune finally said after a moment's hesitation.
He had to admit that he had been unsure how to approach this matter, as he didn't know how the other Tsukune usually treated the matter of Moka's devastatingly powerful split personality, but ultimately decided that honesty was the best policy.
Moka, for her part, froze on the spot, completely stunned.
'Wait, seriously? He's letting me out? He's being serious right now? YES!' Evil Moka's voice was uncommonly giddy, like a girl who had just accepted her first invitation to a dance. Moka would have actually found the tone quite humorous but for one consideration.
"You... want ME to fight it? ALONE?" Moka asked, her face paling as her rosario trembled.
"No! You won't be alone! I'll be with you the whole time!" Tsukune said, giving her a confident, reassuring smile.
"... You want ME to fight it? ALONE?" Moka repeated incredulously.
'Hey, knock it off! Do NOT mess this up for me, Pinky!' Evil Moka growled as best she could over the telepathic link. 'You just go on and hand him the cross. I'll handle this "Swarmlord" chump and even Ranma will have to-'
"SSSHRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!"
Moka and Tsukune fell to their knees as a keening howl rolled through the halls underneath the academy, causing the walls to shake and the only nearby light bulb to burst like a soap bubble, plunging the area into darkness.
Moka clutched at her ears, feeling the scream of the alien beast rattle around in her head like a physical thing. Fear of a sort she had never known before invaded her thoughts, paralyzing her. It was an unfamiliar, almost chemical feeling, as if the suffocating terror were a drug seeping through her muscles and leaving them as rubber.
Tsukune was shaken just as badly, but the psionic screech had the dubious benefit of agitating his corrupted ghoul blood. He shuddered as a hot pulse ran through his body, but fought to suppress the boiling hunger responding to the cry of the Devourer. There was no way he wanted lose his grip on sanity now.
'Okay, fine, so we might be a LITTLE outgunned,' Evil Moka admitted, which was about as close as the vampiress got to desperate panic, 'there's no reason why we couldn't have just a few of the others to help us out, is there? As decoys, maybe?'
"Tsukune, th-this was not a good p-plan," Moka stuttered, standing up shakily as her knees quaked, "we have to get out of here!" The scream stil rang in her head, despite the fact that the actual sonic echo had long faded.
"Wait, Moka," Tsukune said uncertainly, holding a hand over his thundering heart as he searched the darkness for the vampire girl. As close as he was to being a ghoul, his sense of vision was still perfectly mundane, and he could barely hear her over the psychic scream still rattling around in his skull. "Relax! We can do this! YOU can do this! You're the most powerful monster in the school! An unstoppable force of nature!"
"I... you really think so?" Moka asked, her face reddening somewhat. Tsukune had never displayed confidence in her combat skills before, instead seeing her as someone to be protected. Although her inner self frequently complained that she was treated as second best in the Protection Committee, honestly speaking she was usually ranked dead bottom; ordinarily Tsukune would rush into battle himself before he'd let Moka do any serious fighting.
Tsukune oriented on the voice, and focused on the two red, glowering slits hovering near the ceiling. "Yes, absolutely! I've seen you in action, and there's nothing you... you... you don't have eyes that big."
Moka blinked, not understanding what he meant. "My eyes? What do they have-"
Thwump! The flat of a massive bonesword smashed into the side of the vampiress, knocking her off her feet and sending her crashing through the adjacent wall.
Tsukune flinched back as the new hole in the wall flooded the hallway with light, fully illuminating their target.
He immediately appreciated how much less horrifying the creature was when projected into Yukari's crystal ball. Even hunched over, with its arms tucked in at awkward angles and the horns on its back digging furrows in the ceiling, the alien was a titan of iron-hard carapace and massive blades, all topped by an elongated head full of sword-like teeth. Around its skull floated a cloud of luminescent green, and just looking at the abomination's eyes caused a feeling of terror much deeper and more oppressive than any natural fear.
Still, the Swarmlord was staring at the hole in the wall at the moment, and Tsukune had long practice at shaking off overwhelming fear when nearby girls were in danger. He tore his gaze away from the alien and made a dash after Moka.
Thump! He jerked to a stop as a single bonesword chopped down in front of him, causing the ground to shake briefly and blocking his path up to his waist.
The Swarmlord did not even glance at the human as it shouldered its way through the hole in the wall, ripping through masonry, wood and piping as if it were a mere spider's web (or at least, a normal spider's web, given that some of the ones around campus were stronger than Kevlar). Metal plumbing, long corroded by years of neglect and poor monster workmanship, snapped apart at the Swarmlord's passing, spitting water into the air as the alien emerged on the other side of wall.
Tsukune paled as the sword in front of him was lifted from the floor and carried away by the alien monstrosity. "Moka! Look out! It's-"
Thwack! Tsukune was smacked aside by an almost casual swing of the Swarmlord's tail, smashing his ribcage in and sending him hurtling through the air.
"GYUGH!" He hit the wall opposite the severely damaged one, bouncing off and onto his face as bits of debris showered onto his back.
"Augh! Jesus!" Tsukune shouted, pushing himself up against the furious protests of his body. His breath was weakening even as his lungs demanded air, and his head spun from the impact mixing with the psychic poison of the alien horror.
"Moka! No!" His eyes managed to focus enough to see the illuminated hole in the wall... which wasn't so much a hole anymore, since it was more than five meters wide and seemed to have carved out the entire wall of the room on the other side. A huge, dark shape obcured much of the light coming from the room's overhead lights, casting a terrifying shadow that slowly advanced through the room, despite the fact that it now had enough space to move almost unimpeded.
Tsukune could feel it... Moka's vampiric blood, rushing to his head, raging in response to the desperate fear of the Tyranid's psychic aura. It demanded action, demanded blood, and as it beckoned to him, Tsukune embraced it, for in his desperation the power offered by insanity and ghoulhood would have to do.
'Even if she's not the Moka I know, even if I might die here as an insane monster, I can't just let her die! I WON'T!' he screamed in his head, feeling the rush of heat as darkness and hate overwhelmed him.
And then, suddenly, he felt a hand touch his shoulder, and the pain, the rage, and the howling bloodlust all instantly drained away.
Confused, frightened, and just a bit disappointed, Tsukune glanced backward to see what had happened, and who had intruded upon his desperate gambit.
The smiling, curly-bearded face of Jesus Christ stared down at him, smiling warmly. "You called?"
Hr
Moka coughed as she staggered to her feet, using a metal drum to support herself. Half her body was in severe pain from being plowed through a wall, while the other half felt numb from the psionic energy field that had smashed into her and brutally seared her nervous system.
"What... What WAS that?" Moka asked nobody, holding her head in her hands.
'Would you like to turn around and ask?' Evil Moka quipped. Heavy footfalls, punctuated by the sound of splintering wood, issued from behind them, and Moka's thoughts cleared as survival instinct began to take control of her mind.
Moka spun around drunkenly, her eyes widening as she saw the massive beast slowly advancing toward her.
The Swarmlord had is four arms spread, its swords forming an edged barrier that crossed the entire width of the room and scraped long gouges in the walls to either side of the beast. Its eyes regarded Moka with a hungry curiosity, as if fascinated, but it hardly gave any hope that this encounter might end in anything less than her brutal murder and consumption.
'All right, let's see about breaking the seal on our own, yeah? I think this is a good time to see if that can happen!'
Moka whirled around, checking to see if there was another exit. It was at this point that she finally got a good look at the other half of the room, and saw just what had been collected in this area.
Red barrels, marked fuel drums, bundles of TNT, crates of ammunition, fireworks, and even the occasional bowling-ball style cartoon bomb had been piled into a massive wall that stretched from floor to ceiling, and seemed to only take up a small portion of the otherwise cavernous room.
"Wait, where are we?" Moka asked in a panic, not seeing an exit.
'This looks like the explosives storage area,' Evil Moka said.
"Where's the door? There was no door on the wall that the Swarmlord knocked us through!" Moka insisted desperately.
'It looks like Tobaki stacked all the explosives as close as possible to the entrance, making the best use of vertical space so that she could complete the job as quickly as possible,' Evil Moka noted wryly, 'how efficient of her.'
"We're cut off from the exit by a wall made of BOMBS?" Moka cried.
'Yes. Any progress on that seal-breaking thing? Because I think I can just about smell the alien's breath by now.'
Moka whirled back around, her heart thundering in her chest as the Swarmlord loomed over her. Caustic saliva drooled from between its knife-like teeth, and it slowly pulled its boneswords inward to surround the vampiress with blades.
Another telepathic voice roared in Moka's head, and to her shock and terror, it wasn't her darker counterpart's.
'You... Ancient power... Threat... Consume... Absorb... Evolve...' Moka could feel its ravenous hunger as the Swarmlord's mind invaded hers, and the teenage vampire slumped to her knees as the alien crossed its swords to scissor her in two.
It hesitated. The Swarmlord slowly turned its head around as it felt something nearby agitating its psionic senses, its swords pulling back toward its body in alarm and a curious sense of dread.
"The xeno comes not but to steal, and to kill and to destroy," came a voice from beyond the massive tear in the wall as the Swarmlord turned completely around, "I am come so that its victims might have life, and that they might have it for much longer."
Jesus approached through the gaping hole in the wall, walking past the broken piping without regard for the arc of rushing water blasting from the twisted steel. The rushing fountain bent impossibly around him, the water refusing to land upon the messiah's skin as the Israelite passed into the room proper.
The Swarmlord's feet shifted, the psychic glow that danced around its horned skull flaring in intensity. Moka was forgotten completely as the alien faced this new threat, sensing an unprecedented level of danger.
"Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone," Jesus said solemnly, his pity-filled gaze locked on the luminescent eyes of the monstrous alien.
CRACK! Jesus' hand suddenly grabbed onto the concrete foundation of the wall, his fingers sinking into the stone as if it were mere communion crackers.
"That means I go first," the son of God said, lifting the mass of concrete overhead as bits of rebar twisted and snapped off from its foundation.
The Swarmlord roared angrily as Jesus hurled the hunk of debris at him, and the alien's blades rose and fell as one, carving the projectile apart and smash it to the ground.
Jesus broke into a run, his sandals striking the floor with a distinctly unintimidating Clop! Clop! Clop! as he ran.
The Swarmlord pivoted on one leg, sending one blade down on the Messiah as the other three moved to guard its massive torso.
Jesus clapped his hands onto the sides of the bonesword as it descended, stopping it dead even as the floor instantly buckled beneath his feet, throwing dust shattered wood into the air.
'See? You didn't listen to me and here we are again, watching helplessly as some puny human takes care of business,' Evil Moka complained.
'That's the son of God,' Moka noted in her head, watching as Jesus kicked away a defending bonesword and then backflipped away as two more came at him from either side.
'My point is that we could be fighting aliens and saving the day and being awesome RIGHT NOW, but instead we're having our shapely butt saved again. Don't you think we should start being a little more active in our survival?'
'I think we should start going to mass on Sundays,' Moka said, her eyes locked on the titanic battle that was unfolding before her.
"HYAH!" Jesus once again clapped his hands down on a bonesword that had been stabbed at him, his sandals dragging across the floor as he was pushed back by the might of the alien monstrosity.
"Love your enemies!" the Messiah shouted, "bless them that curse you! Do good to them that hate you! Pray for them that use you!"
Jesus jumped up, landing on the back of the bonesword before dashing straight toward the snarling alien.
"LOVE KNUCKLE!" He shouted, slamming a fist into the Swarmlord's head that sent the aien reeling.
"BLESSINGS OF PAIN!" Jesus started raining blows on the monstrosity, which was too close to use its massive swords to any useful effect.
"ROUNDHOUSE OF GOOD!" His sandal smashed into the alien's chest carapace with a sharp crack, like a hammer splitting ceramic, and the son of God backflipped into the air as his enemy staggered painfully.
"PRAYER BEAM!" He shouted, holding his forearms in the shape of a cross as holy light swallowed the Israelite and infused him with righteous power.
A lance of white light blasted into the Swarmlord, knocking it back into the wall of explosives as Moka yelped and scurried away.
Miraculously, nothing detonated as the Swarmlord crashed into the massive pile of bombs, missiles and fuel, and red drums and numerous grenades rained on the Tyranid's head in a dangerously volatile avalanche as it hissed in pain.
"Moka! Are you all right?" Tsukune asked, stepping into the room through the massive tear in the wall.
Moka brightened instantly, having feared that the Swarmlord had killed him as soon as she was out of the way. "Yes! I'm fine! I knew you had a real plan to fight the Swarmlord!" she crowed, rushing forward and grabbing onto the human boy's arms.
"Uh... No, not really," Tsukune admitted somewhat bitterly, "this was never part of my plan. Being saved by Jesus-"
"Again," the Israelite interjected swiftly, otherwise looking like he had no interest in the conversation.
"... Being saved again wasn't part of any plan. Mister Christ just did that on his own."
"I am the good shepherd," Jesus said, his head bowed, "the good shepherd gives his life for his sheep. Even the useless, blood-sucking ones."
"Hrrrraaugh..." A rumbling growl once again brought everyone's attention to the alien monster at the end of the room, and Moka and Tsukune stepped back fearfully as the Swarmlord pushed itself up. Fuel ran from its armored carapace in tiny streams, draining through natural valleys and crevices and seeping into deep cracks that struggled to seal themselves before running into a growing puddle of potential devastation that mixed freely with alien ichor at the Swarmlord's feet.
"That thing's still not dead?" Tsukune asked fearfully, backing away as Moka clung pleasantly to his arm.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," Jesus intoned, taking one step forward and then gesturing to the Swarmlord, "come, xeno. Recover your wits. I would have you attack me again."
"SSSSHRREEEEEEEAUGH!!" The Swarmlord's roar shook the floors and walls of the room, and Moka and Tsukune clung to each other to remain standing as once again a wave of pure psionic terror slammed into them.
Jesus stood fast in the path of the psychic assault, a golden aura shimmering around him as the waves of malevolent Warp energy broke against his spirit like water.
The Swarmlord charged, its steps unsteady as the four massive blades swung back, ready to descend on the Israelite in a cascade of crushing chops.
Whap! Jesus struck the flat of the first bonesword as it fell, knocking it off path to carve uselessly into the floor with a heavy THUD!
Whap! Whap! Whap! With eerie calm and divine precision, the Messiah deflected each one of the other swords before he took a heavy step forward and smashed both palms into the Swarmlord's abdomen.
BWOOM! The back of the alien broke apart, spewing chunks of thick purple carapace and luminescent ichor on the nearby wall as the alien screamed in pain and fury.
"He is the Lord, and I am his shepherd!" Jesus yelled, his eyes glowing with holy righteousness as his aura burned hotter around him, threatening to ignite the fuel soaking the alien's exoskeleton, "get your wretched claws away from my sheep, alien filth!"
Tsukune gulped as his - and everyone else's - savior started to float in front of the dazed alien, His aura glowing brighter and hotter.
"I think we should get out of here!" he shouted, gripping Moka's arm tightly as he fled for the hallways. The vampiress made no argument, likewise worried about the presence of fire (holy or not) so close to many munitions.
"Let your light so shine before men, that they might see your good works, and banish the xenos filth to its rightful tomb in the abyss of the Empyrean!" Jesus shouted, holding his arms back behind him as a sphere of hovering flame coalesced between them.
The Swarmlord's red, soulless gaze dimmed as full awareness of its defeat settled upon it. It felt no hate or fear as its body ignited from the mounting heat, only a final, exhausting catharsis as its all-consuming hunger finally fell from its consciousness.
"Let the full glory of the Allmighty Lord consume you, alien!" Jesus cried, holding the swelling sphere of power above his head before shoving it forward. "PRAYER BEAM OMEGAAAAAAA!!!"
"Tsukune, are you sure about this?" Moka said nervously, following the human boy down a flight of creaking stairs into the shabby underbelly of the academy, "shouldn't we have brought the others along? I really feel like we should have brought the others along."
Tsukune shook his head as he pushed forward. "If this Swarmlord is as dangerous as the encyclo... uh... as dangerous as its reputation suggests, then the others could be killed in an instant. We have to take care of this ourselves."
"Okay..." Moka mumbled slowly, perplexed as to why Tsukune had written off Ranma as a casualty waiting to happen. She'd always thought that, if anything, Tsukune severely overestimated the martial artist, and assumed Ranma was invincible. "So what are we going to do, then?"
Tsukune halted as he stepped into the old hallway, glancing up at a dim, flickering light mounted on the ceiling. He actually hadn't thought of any plan beyond unleashing Inner Moka and charging the beast, and then moving on toward the storage vaults behind it, but maybe there was a better way.
"Didn't they say that Professor Richard hatched the Swarmlord?" Tsukune asked, trying and failing to recall any teacher by that name in his dimension. "Do you think he lost control of it?"
Moka blinked, not having thought of that. "I don't know," she admitted, "but why would that matter?"
"Well, do you think a teacher would let this creature go on a bloody rampage if he could prevent it?" Tsukune asked, quite reasonably feeling that no instructor could be so pointlessly destructive.
"Yes, absolutely," Moka said without hesitation, "though I admit that he'd be more likely to chain it up as a guard pet in some part of the academy that people frequently use, or put it in a pit under his classroom and drop students into it via a trap door."
As Tsukune's mind boggled at the casual way in which Moka described the sanctioned massacre of Youkai Academy's students, another voice interrupted them.
"I actually hadn't thought of that last one. The trap doors would take some time to build, and I'd need to custom order a gold bikini for when I eventually take you captive, but it's still workable," Richard said thoughtfully, causing both of the teenagers to spin around to face him.
Or rather, spin around, and then look down onto the floor where Richard was lying on his belly, several slash marks cutting across his back. He was dragging himself along by his claw-tipped fingers, and had pulled himself up past a corner such that only his upper torso was visible to the pair.
"Professor Richard," Moka grumbled, "I don't suppose you have anything to say for yourself?"
"Yes, actually," Richard said seriously, propping up his chin on his elbows, "fatherhood is not as joyful and rewarding as I was led to believe."
Urrrraaaaaaaugh! A distant roar came from within the broken hallways, and the walls trembled as bits of dirt and clumps of mildew sprinkled down on them from the ceiling.
"They grow up so fast," Richard said with a melodramatic sigh, "before long he'll be off to space college, calling me to send him money while drunkenly humping half his hive fleet."
"Can we be serious about this for a minute?" Tsukune asked, finding this instructor incredibly annoying.
"All right, you have sixty seconds. Go!"
"First of all, why did you hatch that egg?" Moka asked, glaring at the warlock.
"It was either that or the world's largest omelette, and I didn't have any onions," Richard replied.
"You said you were going to be serious," Tsukune growled.
"I was," Richard said with a shrug, still lying at the teenagers' feet, "I lost the ability to tell between drama and comedy long ago, when I found out that lighting people on fire tends to generate both of them at once. It's confusing."
Tsukune meant to give Moka an incredulous look, but the vampiress was entirely focused on Richard, as if she wasn't fazed by his bizarre behavior.
"What will you do if it gets loose and starts attacking the students?" Moka demanded.
"Watch," Richard said without a trace of deceit, irony, or remorse, "still being serious."
"Can you still control the Swarmlord at all?" Tsukune asked, deciding to get to the heart of the matter.
In response, Richard clutched the floor and dragged himself forward on his belly, dragging the rest of his body into view. What little of it there was left, anyway. Richard had been torn apart at the waist, and the warlock's intestines trailed behind his torso on top of a trail of curiously luminescent green slime.
Tsukune promptly clamped his hands over his mouth, his bile rising at the horrific sight.
Moka, oddly enough, merely sighed, brushing off the disturbing image. "So it's already out of control, then?"
"He's just in his rebellious phase," Richard said defensively, "by the way, you sixty seconds are up."
"Did you at least manage to wound it?" Moka asked.
"Yes, but it didn't help," Richard grumbled, "I don't care what anyone says, a 3+ invulnerable save on a monstrous creature is ridiculous, even if it's only in close combat."
Neither Moka nor Tsukune had anything to say to that, until the latter finally asked, "Can we be serious for another minute?"
"No. This is all far too amusing," Richard insisted.
"You've had your legs ripped off, people have been killed, and an alien beast is threatening to demolish the school!" Tsukune snapped. "You think that's amusing?"
"Yes, tremendously," Richard answered simply, "do you have any other stupid questions I can answer?"
"No, I think we're done," Moka confessed half-heartedly as she stepped past the horribly maimed warlock.
Tsukune was much more hesitant about leaving the injured teacher there in the hall, but eventually relented and followed the pink-haired girl further into gloom.
"Okay, so what are we going to do, exactly?" Moka asked, glancing uncomfortably at a long, deep cut in the wall the ran at least four meters long. The halls, which had been in bad shape before, were now all but destroyed, with the floor a mess of splinters and the ceiling riddled with gouges and holes.
"We're going to find that Swarmlord, and then I'll unleash you inner self," Tsukune finally said after a moment's hesitation.
He had to admit that he had been unsure how to approach this matter, as he didn't know how the other Tsukune usually treated the matter of Moka's devastatingly powerful split personality, but ultimately decided that honesty was the best policy.
Moka, for her part, froze on the spot, completely stunned.
'Wait, seriously? He's letting me out? He's being serious right now? YES!' Evil Moka's voice was uncommonly giddy, like a girl who had just accepted her first invitation to a dance. Moka would have actually found the tone quite humorous but for one consideration.
"You... want ME to fight it? ALONE?" Moka asked, her face paling as her rosario trembled.
"No! You won't be alone! I'll be with you the whole time!" Tsukune said, giving her a confident, reassuring smile.
"... You want ME to fight it? ALONE?" Moka repeated incredulously.
'Hey, knock it off! Do NOT mess this up for me, Pinky!' Evil Moka growled as best she could over the telepathic link. 'You just go on and hand him the cross. I'll handle this "Swarmlord" chump and even Ranma will have to-'
"SSSHRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!"
Moka and Tsukune fell to their knees as a keening howl rolled through the halls underneath the academy, causing the walls to shake and the only nearby light bulb to burst like a soap bubble, plunging the area into darkness.
Moka clutched at her ears, feeling the scream of the alien beast rattle around in her head like a physical thing. Fear of a sort she had never known before invaded her thoughts, paralyzing her. It was an unfamiliar, almost chemical feeling, as if the suffocating terror were a drug seeping through her muscles and leaving them as rubber.
Tsukune was shaken just as badly, but the psionic screech had the dubious benefit of agitating his corrupted ghoul blood. He shuddered as a hot pulse ran through his body, but fought to suppress the boiling hunger responding to the cry of the Devourer. There was no way he wanted lose his grip on sanity now.
'Okay, fine, so we might be a LITTLE outgunned,' Evil Moka admitted, which was about as close as the vampiress got to desperate panic, 'there's no reason why we couldn't have just a few of the others to help us out, is there? As decoys, maybe?'
"Tsukune, th-this was not a good p-plan," Moka stuttered, standing up shakily as her knees quaked, "we have to get out of here!" The scream stil rang in her head, despite the fact that the actual sonic echo had long faded.
"Wait, Moka," Tsukune said uncertainly, holding a hand over his thundering heart as he searched the darkness for the vampire girl. As close as he was to being a ghoul, his sense of vision was still perfectly mundane, and he could barely hear her over the psychic scream still rattling around in his skull. "Relax! We can do this! YOU can do this! You're the most powerful monster in the school! An unstoppable force of nature!"
"I... you really think so?" Moka asked, her face reddening somewhat. Tsukune had never displayed confidence in her combat skills before, instead seeing her as someone to be protected. Although her inner self frequently complained that she was treated as second best in the Protection Committee, honestly speaking she was usually ranked dead bottom; ordinarily Tsukune would rush into battle himself before he'd let Moka do any serious fighting.
Tsukune oriented on the voice, and focused on the two red, glowering slits hovering near the ceiling. "Yes, absolutely! I've seen you in action, and there's nothing you... you... you don't have eyes that big."
Moka blinked, not understanding what he meant. "My eyes? What do they have-"
Thwump! The flat of a massive bonesword smashed into the side of the vampiress, knocking her off her feet and sending her crashing through the adjacent wall.
Tsukune flinched back as the new hole in the wall flooded the hallway with light, fully illuminating their target.
He immediately appreciated how much less horrifying the creature was when projected into Yukari's crystal ball. Even hunched over, with its arms tucked in at awkward angles and the horns on its back digging furrows in the ceiling, the alien was a titan of iron-hard carapace and massive blades, all topped by an elongated head full of sword-like teeth. Around its skull floated a cloud of luminescent green, and just looking at the abomination's eyes caused a feeling of terror much deeper and more oppressive than any natural fear.
Still, the Swarmlord was staring at the hole in the wall at the moment, and Tsukune had long practice at shaking off overwhelming fear when nearby girls were in danger. He tore his gaze away from the alien and made a dash after Moka.
Thump! He jerked to a stop as a single bonesword chopped down in front of him, causing the ground to shake briefly and blocking his path up to his waist.
The Swarmlord did not even glance at the human as it shouldered its way through the hole in the wall, ripping through masonry, wood and piping as if it were a mere spider's web (or at least, a normal spider's web, given that some of the ones around campus were stronger than Kevlar). Metal plumbing, long corroded by years of neglect and poor monster workmanship, snapped apart at the Swarmlord's passing, spitting water into the air as the alien emerged on the other side of wall.
Tsukune paled as the sword in front of him was lifted from the floor and carried away by the alien monstrosity. "Moka! Look out! It's-"
Thwack! Tsukune was smacked aside by an almost casual swing of the Swarmlord's tail, smashing his ribcage in and sending him hurtling through the air.
"GYUGH!" He hit the wall opposite the severely damaged one, bouncing off and onto his face as bits of debris showered onto his back.
"Augh! Jesus!" Tsukune shouted, pushing himself up against the furious protests of his body. His breath was weakening even as his lungs demanded air, and his head spun from the impact mixing with the psychic poison of the alien horror.
"Moka! No!" His eyes managed to focus enough to see the illuminated hole in the wall... which wasn't so much a hole anymore, since it was more than five meters wide and seemed to have carved out the entire wall of the room on the other side. A huge, dark shape obcured much of the light coming from the room's overhead lights, casting a terrifying shadow that slowly advanced through the room, despite the fact that it now had enough space to move almost unimpeded.
Tsukune could feel it... Moka's vampiric blood, rushing to his head, raging in response to the desperate fear of the Tyranid's psychic aura. It demanded action, demanded blood, and as it beckoned to him, Tsukune embraced it, for in his desperation the power offered by insanity and ghoulhood would have to do.
'Even if she's not the Moka I know, even if I might die here as an insane monster, I can't just let her die! I WON'T!' he screamed in his head, feeling the rush of heat as darkness and hate overwhelmed him.
And then, suddenly, he felt a hand touch his shoulder, and the pain, the rage, and the howling bloodlust all instantly drained away.
Confused, frightened, and just a bit disappointed, Tsukune glanced backward to see what had happened, and who had intruded upon his desperate gambit.
The smiling, curly-bearded face of Jesus Christ stared down at him, smiling warmly. "You called?"
Hr
Moka coughed as she staggered to her feet, using a metal drum to support herself. Half her body was in severe pain from being plowed through a wall, while the other half felt numb from the psionic energy field that had smashed into her and brutally seared her nervous system.
"What... What WAS that?" Moka asked nobody, holding her head in her hands.
'Would you like to turn around and ask?' Evil Moka quipped. Heavy footfalls, punctuated by the sound of splintering wood, issued from behind them, and Moka's thoughts cleared as survival instinct began to take control of her mind.
Moka spun around drunkenly, her eyes widening as she saw the massive beast slowly advancing toward her.
The Swarmlord had is four arms spread, its swords forming an edged barrier that crossed the entire width of the room and scraped long gouges in the walls to either side of the beast. Its eyes regarded Moka with a hungry curiosity, as if fascinated, but it hardly gave any hope that this encounter might end in anything less than her brutal murder and consumption.
'All right, let's see about breaking the seal on our own, yeah? I think this is a good time to see if that can happen!'
Moka whirled around, checking to see if there was another exit. It was at this point that she finally got a good look at the other half of the room, and saw just what had been collected in this area.
Red barrels, marked fuel drums, bundles of TNT, crates of ammunition, fireworks, and even the occasional bowling-ball style cartoon bomb had been piled into a massive wall that stretched from floor to ceiling, and seemed to only take up a small portion of the otherwise cavernous room.
"Wait, where are we?" Moka asked in a panic, not seeing an exit.
'This looks like the explosives storage area,' Evil Moka said.
"Where's the door? There was no door on the wall that the Swarmlord knocked us through!" Moka insisted desperately.
'It looks like Tobaki stacked all the explosives as close as possible to the entrance, making the best use of vertical space so that she could complete the job as quickly as possible,' Evil Moka noted wryly, 'how efficient of her.'
"We're cut off from the exit by a wall made of BOMBS?" Moka cried.
'Yes. Any progress on that seal-breaking thing? Because I think I can just about smell the alien's breath by now.'
Moka whirled back around, her heart thundering in her chest as the Swarmlord loomed over her. Caustic saliva drooled from between its knife-like teeth, and it slowly pulled its boneswords inward to surround the vampiress with blades.
Another telepathic voice roared in Moka's head, and to her shock and terror, it wasn't her darker counterpart's.
'You... Ancient power... Threat... Consume... Absorb... Evolve...' Moka could feel its ravenous hunger as the Swarmlord's mind invaded hers, and the teenage vampire slumped to her knees as the alien crossed its swords to scissor her in two.
It hesitated. The Swarmlord slowly turned its head around as it felt something nearby agitating its psionic senses, its swords pulling back toward its body in alarm and a curious sense of dread.
"The xeno comes not but to steal, and to kill and to destroy," came a voice from beyond the massive tear in the wall as the Swarmlord turned completely around, "I am come so that its victims might have life, and that they might have it for much longer."
Jesus approached through the gaping hole in the wall, walking past the broken piping without regard for the arc of rushing water blasting from the twisted steel. The rushing fountain bent impossibly around him, the water refusing to land upon the messiah's skin as the Israelite passed into the room proper.
The Swarmlord's feet shifted, the psychic glow that danced around its horned skull flaring in intensity. Moka was forgotten completely as the alien faced this new threat, sensing an unprecedented level of danger.
"Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone," Jesus said solemnly, his pity-filled gaze locked on the luminescent eyes of the monstrous alien.
CRACK! Jesus' hand suddenly grabbed onto the concrete foundation of the wall, his fingers sinking into the stone as if it were mere communion crackers.
"That means I go first," the son of God said, lifting the mass of concrete overhead as bits of rebar twisted and snapped off from its foundation.
The Swarmlord roared angrily as Jesus hurled the hunk of debris at him, and the alien's blades rose and fell as one, carving the projectile apart and smash it to the ground.
Jesus broke into a run, his sandals striking the floor with a distinctly unintimidating Clop! Clop! Clop! as he ran.
The Swarmlord pivoted on one leg, sending one blade down on the Messiah as the other three moved to guard its massive torso.
Jesus clapped his hands onto the sides of the bonesword as it descended, stopping it dead even as the floor instantly buckled beneath his feet, throwing dust shattered wood into the air.
'See? You didn't listen to me and here we are again, watching helplessly as some puny human takes care of business,' Evil Moka complained.
'That's the son of God,' Moka noted in her head, watching as Jesus kicked away a defending bonesword and then backflipped away as two more came at him from either side.
'My point is that we could be fighting aliens and saving the day and being awesome RIGHT NOW, but instead we're having our shapely butt saved again. Don't you think we should start being a little more active in our survival?'
'I think we should start going to mass on Sundays,' Moka said, her eyes locked on the titanic battle that was unfolding before her.
"HYAH!" Jesus once again clapped his hands down on a bonesword that had been stabbed at him, his sandals dragging across the floor as he was pushed back by the might of the alien monstrosity.
"Love your enemies!" the Messiah shouted, "bless them that curse you! Do good to them that hate you! Pray for them that use you!"
Jesus jumped up, landing on the back of the bonesword before dashing straight toward the snarling alien.
"LOVE KNUCKLE!" He shouted, slamming a fist into the Swarmlord's head that sent the aien reeling.
"BLESSINGS OF PAIN!" Jesus started raining blows on the monstrosity, which was too close to use its massive swords to any useful effect.
"ROUNDHOUSE OF GOOD!" His sandal smashed into the alien's chest carapace with a sharp crack, like a hammer splitting ceramic, and the son of God backflipped into the air as his enemy staggered painfully.
"PRAYER BEAM!" He shouted, holding his forearms in the shape of a cross as holy light swallowed the Israelite and infused him with righteous power.
A lance of white light blasted into the Swarmlord, knocking it back into the wall of explosives as Moka yelped and scurried away.
Miraculously, nothing detonated as the Swarmlord crashed into the massive pile of bombs, missiles and fuel, and red drums and numerous grenades rained on the Tyranid's head in a dangerously volatile avalanche as it hissed in pain.
"Moka! Are you all right?" Tsukune asked, stepping into the room through the massive tear in the wall.
Moka brightened instantly, having feared that the Swarmlord had killed him as soon as she was out of the way. "Yes! I'm fine! I knew you had a real plan to fight the Swarmlord!" she crowed, rushing forward and grabbing onto the human boy's arms.
"Uh... No, not really," Tsukune admitted somewhat bitterly, "this was never part of my plan. Being saved by Jesus-"
"Again," the Israelite interjected swiftly, otherwise looking like he had no interest in the conversation.
"... Being saved again wasn't part of any plan. Mister Christ just did that on his own."
"I am the good shepherd," Jesus said, his head bowed, "the good shepherd gives his life for his sheep. Even the useless, blood-sucking ones."
"Hrrrraaugh..." A rumbling growl once again brought everyone's attention to the alien monster at the end of the room, and Moka and Tsukune stepped back fearfully as the Swarmlord pushed itself up. Fuel ran from its armored carapace in tiny streams, draining through natural valleys and crevices and seeping into deep cracks that struggled to seal themselves before running into a growing puddle of potential devastation that mixed freely with alien ichor at the Swarmlord's feet.
"That thing's still not dead?" Tsukune asked fearfully, backing away as Moka clung pleasantly to his arm.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," Jesus intoned, taking one step forward and then gesturing to the Swarmlord, "come, xeno. Recover your wits. I would have you attack me again."
"SSSSHRREEEEEEEAUGH!!" The Swarmlord's roar shook the floors and walls of the room, and Moka and Tsukune clung to each other to remain standing as once again a wave of pure psionic terror slammed into them.
Jesus stood fast in the path of the psychic assault, a golden aura shimmering around him as the waves of malevolent Warp energy broke against his spirit like water.
The Swarmlord charged, its steps unsteady as the four massive blades swung back, ready to descend on the Israelite in a cascade of crushing chops.
Whap! Jesus struck the flat of the first bonesword as it fell, knocking it off path to carve uselessly into the floor with a heavy THUD!
Whap! Whap! Whap! With eerie calm and divine precision, the Messiah deflected each one of the other swords before he took a heavy step forward and smashed both palms into the Swarmlord's abdomen.
BWOOM! The back of the alien broke apart, spewing chunks of thick purple carapace and luminescent ichor on the nearby wall as the alien screamed in pain and fury.
"He is the Lord, and I am his shepherd!" Jesus yelled, his eyes glowing with holy righteousness as his aura burned hotter around him, threatening to ignite the fuel soaking the alien's exoskeleton, "get your wretched claws away from my sheep, alien filth!"
Tsukune gulped as his - and everyone else's - savior started to float in front of the dazed alien, His aura glowing brighter and hotter.
"I think we should get out of here!" he shouted, gripping Moka's arm tightly as he fled for the hallways. The vampiress made no argument, likewise worried about the presence of fire (holy or not) so close to many munitions.
"Let your light so shine before men, that they might see your good works, and banish the xenos filth to its rightful tomb in the abyss of the Empyrean!" Jesus shouted, holding his arms back behind him as a sphere of hovering flame coalesced between them.
The Swarmlord's red, soulless gaze dimmed as full awareness of its defeat settled upon it. It felt no hate or fear as its body ignited from the mounting heat, only a final, exhausting catharsis as its all-consuming hunger finally fell from its consciousness.
"Let the full glory of the Allmighty Lord consume you, alien!" Jesus cried, holding the swelling sphere of power above his head before shoving it forward. "PRAYER BEAM OMEGAAAAAAA!!!"