Evangelion rules and regulations for NERV employees

[Innortal]

101. Requests by Pilot Soryu to have her Eva 'pimped out' for battle will not be accepted. There is a very good reason it looks the way it does, and we are under no obligation to either change it or inform you of that reason.

102. Stealing the Third Child's boxers is now a Class-C offense and will result in 48 hours in solitary confinement.

Addendum: You will not be allowed to keep the boxers inside the cell or when you get out.

 

[jaredstar]

102. The "The secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel" book series is henceforth considered banned reading by all Eva pilots (it is giving them unauthorized ideas about how to use their AT fields.

103. Shiji Ikari is forbidden from referencing anime during battles. (the G Gundam reference was funny the first time but thats it.)

103a. The same goes for Asuka and her SRW references

104. In light of Former Commander Ikari's continued incapacitation and Kozo Fuyutsuki's ascension to the Rank of Commander, Misato Katsuragi is hereby promoted to Deputy Commander

 

[Innortal]

105. From now on, when warning others of the possibility of Third Impact, you may no longer include a video reference from 'Fullmetal Alchemists: Brotherhood' of the nation of Xerses being consumed.

105a. This also included voice dubbing of them screaming: "It was all a lie! There are no Rei!"

105b. This also includes dubbing of the phrase: "If only we hadn't trusted the redheaded foreigner!"

105c. This also includes: "This is all Commander Ikari's fault!"

105d. Why are you including so many dubs in this when we banned it?

105e. The video will be pulled from YouTube by whoever keeps posting it. We don't care if it has gone viral. People are starting to get <s>wise</s> suspicious and panicky.

 

[Master of Squirrel-Fu]

106: Employees are now forbiden from playing ill fitting clasical music during battle.

 

[The Ero-Sennin]

107. The playing of music by Ronnie James Dio is acceptable during all combat operations.

 

[Anonguy]

108. Stop, Buddha time.

 

[Temjin-On]

109. Adapting special moves from arcade fighting games for use with Evangelions is strictly prohibited.

 

[PCHeintz72]

109. Adapting special moves from arcade fighting games for use with Evangelions is strictly prohibited.

After all... their top scientists and Ops tacticians (Bridge crew, Ritsuko, and Misato) proved they had a simpler method... that could be summed up in one statement:

Center the target, pull the switch.

 

[bissek]

110) NERV personnel are not allowed to contribute to the in progress Warhammer 40K - Evangelion class Titan ruleset without first placing the information they are planning to submit through a security review.

 

[The Ero-Sennin]

111: A Progressive "Ship Cleaving Sword" is entirely out of the question.

 

[Da-Guru]

112: Employees are to cease the production of replica Angel heads. And you are most certainly not allowed to mount them on the walls of Nerv.

113: Inspector Kaji, take that pimp hat off.
113a: And get rid of that cane as well.

114: S2 organs are not made of delicious candy.

115: Employees are once again warned to not approach the door in level B23 that is sealed with blood runes and ash. We would not like a repeat of the "Angel Rick Roll" incident.

116: All attempts to clone Chuck Norris, Bill Brasky, Bruce Lee, and Bruce Campbell are hereby canceled.

117: Whoever exposed the First Child to Dave Chapelle is to report to the Commander's office for a talk about acceptable viewing material...with his gun.
117a: What did the five fingers say to the face?
*SLAP*
I am Rick James, bitch. ~R. Ayanami

 

[Innortal]

118. NERV employees may no longer claim that they are allowed to do something 'just because Commander Ikari did it'. There is no proof of such, and if there were, we would be required to silence you.

118a. No, this does not mean you can start claiming you were enforcing 118 and start shooting people.

119. There is no Fantasy Angels or Fantasy Evangelion teams. Stop playing this on company time.

120. The Third Child is not immune to gamma radiation and is not related to Bruce Banner. Quit making jokes about this.

120a. No, you may not expose him to said radiation and see if he can become The Hulk.

121. There is no Bitch of the Week contest here at NERV. And when we find out where the ladder to reach that high on the wall was hidden, we will be taking down the pictures of the Second Child.

121a. Commander Ikari was not amused that he was constantly listed as the Runner-up every week.

121b. This includes the Rack of the Week contest, and no, Major Katsuragi, we will neither leave them up, make it a real competition, or pay the prize you feel you should have gotten for winning it.

121c. Would someone please inform Lt. Ibuki that she cannot start a write-in campaign to have Dr. Akagi named to the ballot. There is no ballot.

 

[The Ero-Sennin]

122. Using Tokyo-3's emergency broadcast system to promote your garage band are prohibited.

Addendum: Congratulations on getting signed, Lieutenant Aoba.

 

[FourthWall]

123: The Second Child is no longer allowed to refer to herself as "The Sword that Cleaves Evil," "The Sword that Smites Evil," "The Red Comet," or "The Bloody Habanero."

124. The Second Child is no longer allowed to question the sexual preferences of the Fifth Child. NERV accepts alternative lifestyles.

125: The Third Child is prohibited from running away, unless in the sights of the Deputy Commander or the Second Child during their period. Then, he is given all necessary clearance to do so.

126: Dr. Akagi is no longer allowed to administer hormone treatments to the First Child alone. We don't need that girl growing things down there.

126a: The First Child is prohibited from calling her new equipment "Rei-chan".

127: The phrase "ZOMG teh Rei" is prohibited within Tokyo-3 city limits. Violators will be shot.

128: Illustrious is prohibited from piloting an Evangelion unit until further notice.

[Oh come on, the Second got it worse! - Mari M.]

 

[Innortal]

129. The Fourth Child is no longer allowed NERV-enhanced artificial limbs.

129a. He is banned from having any enhanced appendages that have first-strike capabilities.

129b. This includes anything with 'laser-sighting'.

129c. We lost two parking levels! Why are you not following this?

130. The First Child may no longer call the Third Child 'brother' in any language, especially is she is naked at the time.

130a. This includes if the Third Child is naked as well.

130b. This includes any time the Third may be emotionally fragile.

130c. No, he does not wish to be friends with 'Rei-chan', stop using that as an excuse.

 

[FlashofGenius]

131: Uploading Tohou into the EVA combat simulator is forbidden.
131a: Even if Gendo laughed like hell.
132b: Especially if Gendo laughed like hell.

132: Employees are not allowed to throw people into TV screens in order to improve that person's mental health, and/or grant them magic powers.
132a: Even if it works.

133: The Geofront does not turn into a horrific tower full of monsters at midnight. Stop telling new hires this.

134: The Commander is not a vampire.
134a: Nor is the First Child.

135: Ritsuko did not give a schoolgirl Angel Powers by illegally dumping LCL. Stop telling new hires this.

136: Setting EVA's on fire does not improve their combat ability whatsoever. So stop trying.

137: Trying to switch the Pilot's genders is strictly forbidden.
137a: Even if it makes more sense that way.

 

[FourthWall]

138: The phrase "Giant Naked Asuka" is never to be uttered again.

138a: Nor the phrase "Giant Naked Gendo".

139: We will not tell the First Child to "converse more," the Second Child's face is still red from the last time.

140: Commander Ikari is no longer allowed to bring video cameras to Angel fighting practice. Or dance recitals.

[Why don't you have a seat, over there? Chris H.]

140a: Or "Angle" fighting practice, apparently.

[Fuck you very much Fuyutsuki. Gendo I.]

 

[Watashiwa]

140: Commander Ikari is no longer allowed to bring video cameras to Angle fighting practice. Or dance recitals.

140a: The system manager would like to apologize for the typo that caused this morning's panic. The author responsible for it and the editor who failed to notice it have [REDACTED]. For the sake of ending all confusion, NERV is not in the business of fighting geometric shapes, Ramiel and Leliel notwithstanding. The next attackers will not be skyscraper sized two dimensional triangles, squares or rectangles. Anyone caught spreading rumors as to this will be [REDACTED].

140b. Commander Ikari *was* interviewed by Chris Hansen this morning. For further details, see "To Catch A Predator" this Thursday.

 

[jaredstar]

141. As before Kz Fuyutsuki will take over as commander of Nerv while Commander Ikari deals with the justice system. Furthermore while Commander Fuyutsuki is in charge Misato Katsuragi will take his place as Deputy Commander

 

[Echoside]

142. Pilots are no longer allowed to take "donations" for "accidentally" stepping on, falling on, shooting, cutting/slicing/chopping, covering in angel blood/organs/body parts, and/or using AT field to destroy in various fashions certain people homes and/or businesses.

142a. I don't care how much sex you got from various Idols/Models/Celebrities for taking out their competition Shinji...

142b. The Commander also demands a 90% cut for "reimbursement" of miss use of NERV resources.

143. NERV is not in the business of making fetish wear, yes I know what the plug suits look like, please stop spreading these rumors...

143a. There is no Neural Interface Gimp Mask that goes with the plug suits, so stop while your ahead.

144. Despite multiple request we will not make a miniaturize version of the EVA's mouth binding plate for the Second Child.

145. When we find who has been selling LCL/Angel Blood/Flesh/Core pieces as "Quick Penis Enlargement", "Love Potion Angel", and "Angelic Bliss Lube" they will be shot.

146. Shinji is no longer allowed to access the MAGI for any reason.

146a. All NERV personal found to be part of "Scenario Shinji-sama" will be fired and/or terminated depending on level of involvement.

146b. We're still trying to get the Rei clones out of the "At Shinji-sama's Convenience" plug suits.

 

[ThySelf]

143. Ritsuko, please stop workin on the interdimensional viewer/portal- It might be interesting to see how other dimensions solved the angel problem, as well as [Retracted], but *something* has crossed over and is following Shinji- and shooting Bee's at anyone who gets too close.

(A cookie to whoever gets this)

 

[FourthWall]

143a: We will not use the Dirac Sea to cross into alternate universes.

143b: No, we are not keeping the stuttering moeblob version of the Second.

143c: Or the one that's lived to the heat death of the universe.

143d: The grade school one can stay.

[Dammit Ikari, are you trying to get locked up? Kozo F.]

143e: For the love of all that is good and unholy, put the easily excitable First Child back where she came from.

143f: And her sisters.

143g: And the bootleg with the pink hair.

144: The Third Child is to be kept away from any material produced by Games Workshop.

144a: Or dating sims of any kind.

144b: Ditto the First Child.

145: The Second Child is no longer allowed to use drawings to express her feelings.

146: The Fourth and Fifth Children are no longer allowed to pilot Unit 02. The designated pilot will stay as the Second Child.

146a: No Asuka, they didn't mean it when they said your mother was the Evangelion equivalent of the town bicycle.

 

[The Ero-Sennin]

147. Due to the circumstances following the sailing excursion incident, the First Child is to be allowed to attend all recreational excursions with the Second and Third Children

Addendum: Regardless if the passes only allow for three people.

148. Also in light of the sailing excursion incident, unauthorized personnel and non-vetted civilians are NOT permitted anywhere near the Children.

Addendum: Especially T-Pain.

 

[ThySelf]

149. Please stop reprogramming the training programs- Rei and Asuka wants a word with whoever did that tentacle monster...
a) also, stop putting in godzilla and gamera
B) or Voltron, Mazinger Z, The Big 0, or any other giant robots/monsters/ect
c) The Gaint naked Misato can stay.

 

[Master of Squirrel-Fu]

150: I am not allowed to call-block my chain of command.
150b: Nor am I allowed to put them on hold.

151: I cannot 'Form Blazing Sword.'
151b: Nor can I 'Giga Drill Break!'
151c: Nor 'Rocket Punch'
151d: Ripping off your arm to rocket puch is forbiden. Do you know how much that costs to fix!?

152: I am not allowed to say 'KAMEHAMEHA' while the Antiproton Rifle charges.
152b: 'Hadoken', 'Galick Gun', 'Cero', ect. are similarly unallowed.

153: Unit-01's loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries.'
153b: The Nerv intercom is not to be used to play the imperial march where ever Comander Ikari goes.

154: We do not 'charge into battle naked, like the Celts.'
154b: Paint does not count as a clothing choise.

155: I am not allowed to call press conferences to announce that we're raising the battleship Yamato and turning it into a spaceship to attack the Angels.

156: It is NOT 'Morphin' Time.'

157: Not allowed to rip of an Eva's head and atempt to make it fuse with other Mecha.

158: The Evangelions are not fuel by angst
158b: Nor daddy issues
158c: Nor orgasms

159: Not allowed to use a gun to castrate Ryoji Kaji.
159b: A rusty spoon works just as well and won't damage the walls.

160: Not allowed to yell 'Run it's Godzilla!'