Akamatsuverse Another blade in a second

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Alright, here is chapter 13. Doesn't seem up to snuff, but I was getting annoyed with writing it after while. Maybe because it's been a bit of a busy week for me.

I'm also getting really tempted to ask that someone else take over the planning parts of the outline and the chapters, while I focus on the chapters,

-oOo-

Naru was waiting for Keitaro, just outside of the Hinata. He had finally convinced her to go on another date. She currently was dressed in one of her better looking clothes. It was A sleeveless black dress that went down to her knees and she was also wearing a red jacket.

“So much for the girl taking a long time to get ready...” Naru muttered, as she watched Keitaro finally step out of the Hinata. He was dressed in some rather nicer clothes than what he usually dressed in. While it didn't look that expensive, she guessed he still had to save up for quite some time for it, due to how much money Kitsune usually takes from him.

“That's a nice outfit, but you could have done better...” Naru muttered. Her real opinion was that the outfit was very passible and she would have liked it if he had wear it more often.

“Give me a second,” Keitaro said before leaving her sight. Naru cursed herself for hiding her true thoughts from Keitaro. When Keitaro finally appeared, he was in a far better outfit that made him look very cool in Naru's eyes. But sadly, the Tsun side of Naru refused to let her complement him.

“Better..” Naru said, before she began to walk down the stairs in front of the Hinata. Keitaro followed after her, somewhat grumbling about money.

They went to a movie that Keitaro took the time to select, unlike the first time they went to a movie. He thought that since she liked action movies, she might like another one. Unfortunately for him he selected one that had a star that Naru despised. Not only that but the way the other member of the cast acted seemed to set of a alight rant fro Naru that the director was a hack and the star was someone who seemed way too in love with themselves and refused to do any scenes that made them look less than an invincible hero.

Keitaro asked if she wanted to go see another movie. She refused because they would have missed the opening scenes by this time. So Keitaro tried his best to ignore the stares and glares from the other movie goers as Naru quietly complained. When they were done with the movie and were walking outside, Naru asked where were they going next.

Keitaro replied they they were going to the their usual usual place, a little restaurant out of the way that sold Beef bowls. Naru complained that they were dressed too nicely for that. Keitaro said that he'll get some reservations to a nice place and ran off before Naru could say anything. He quickly returned a few seconds later, completely out of breath. When he was able to speak, he had a reservation to a place that Naru had once told Kitsune of that the former wanted to one day go to.

Keitaro was happy that Naru was pleased for a moment, before she regained her stern look that made him feel three inches tall. They went to go eat and not much, if anything was said at all between the couple. When they were done, they began to go back to the Hinata. Naru walked ahead of Keitaro and muttered that the date could have gone a lot better, even though she had no idea how. For the most part, she thought it was probably the most perfect date she could think of, but the proud part of her refused to admit that to someone like Keitaro.

She stopped when she felt that Keitaro wasn't behind her. She looked around for Keitaro but only saw someone with long black hair and wearing a hakama standing at the base of the stairs. Other than that, Naru was unable to figure out if it was Tomoko, Motoko, or Tsuruko, due to the face being shrouded in shadow.

The mystery figure said, “And your attitude will drive him to my arms. Perhaps we'll invite you to our wedding.”


-oOo-

Naru's alarm clock woke her up. She looked around in panic, before she realized that happened before was only a dream.

“What a horrible nightmare...” Naru muttered, as she turned off her alarm. “What was I doing last night?”

Then she remembered what she watched last night when she was traveling though the tunnels.

On one hand, the video had some minor problem with lipsyncing and the body language seemed to differ a little bit from what one would expect from someone claiming that they were from the future and was the illegitimate daughter of the person they were talking to. On the other hand, Naru was starting to think that Tomoko was somehow charismatic enough to fool any Aoyama. Then there was the situation with Keitaro, but Naru reasoned that she could deal with it after she came back to the Hinata in a few days.

Naru saw a large bump under her blankets. If it was Keitaro, Naru planned on dealing out the punishment for both sneaking in her room, as well as for the dream. So she was surprised to see that it was Mutsumi, hugging Naru's legs as if they were her security blanket.

“Mutsumi?” Naru asked, as she shook the sleeping turtle girl awake.

“Wha? Naru? What are you doing in my room?” Mutsumi asked, as she rubbed her eyes with one hand, as her other arm was still wrapped around Naru's legs.

“Mutsumi, this is my room. Could you let me go?” Naru muttered.

“Oh... Okay...” Mutsumi muttered, as she let Naru go. Noticing the troubled look in Naru's eyes, Mutsumi asked, “What troubles you?”

Naru stiffened for a moment. “No-nothing! Nothing's bothering me!” Naru quickly said , as she crawled away from Mutsumi.

“Naru...” Mutsumi replied in a tone that she was not going to think that nothing was bothering Naru. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone.”

While trying her best to think of something to use as a lie, Naru's stomach growled. “I'm... I'm hungry! That's all!

Frowning at her friend, Mutsumi said, “Naru.... I'm your friend. I know how you act when you're hungry and that's simply not the case here.”

Trying her best to glare at Mutsumi, Naru simply told her that she did not feel like telling her at the moment because she would rather eat. Before Mutsumi could reply, Naru left the room. The turtle princess sighed before she heard a tapping at Naru's window. Glancing over, Mutsumi saw that it was Tama. Deciding to have someone to talk to for a moment, Mutsumi opened the window.

“Good morning, Tama,” Mutsumi said, trying her best to sound cheerful.

“Myuh. MyuhMyuh-Myuh?” Tama asked as he floated in.

“Naru... Naru is not pushing me away. She's just shy,” Mutsumi replied as she looked away. She was starting to grow annoyed at how Tama seemed to be giving up at helping her try to put Naru and Keitaro together lately.
“Myuh Myuh Myuh,” Tama muttered as he sat on Naru's pillow.

“I do know the difference between being shy and denial!” Mutsumi loudly said.

From down below, Keitaro's voice asked, “Is everything alright up there?”

“Y-Yes! I'm just acting out a scene from a movie with Tama!” Mutsumi nervously replied, as she looked angry at Tama, who seemed a bit oblivious.

“Oh... Okay. I'll see you at breakfast,” Keitaro's voice replied.

Mutsumi birefly curled her hands into fists as she realized something. Only a few days ago, Keitaro would have rushed above as soon as he heard any kind of shouting. Now... he didn't. He asked and trusted what he was told. The distrust she had for Tomoko started to gain a spark of hate, as the Aoyama seemed to be changing the sweet, kind, lovable Keitaro into someone else.

“Myuh Myuh Myuh.” Tama said.

“Yes.... Yes, I know. He's still Keitaro, but.... Don't you think he's changing a bit too fast? Tomoko barely been here a couple of days ago and he might be changing a bit too fast for poor Naru,” Mutsumi replied, as she looked over at a picture of herself, Naru, and Keitaro.

“Myuh, Myuh Myuh Myuh,” Tama said, seemingly smiling as he felt that Keitaro standing up for himself was a good thing.

“There's a different in getting a backbone and being mean!” Mutsumi said in a heated voice, before walking away. “Maybe Naru was right. Maybe it's time to eat...”

-oOo-

As Naru entered the dining room, she smiled as she heard Shinobu cooking.

“I'd like something simple for breakfast, Shinobu,” Naru called out as she sat down.

“alright, Miss Narusagawa, but Shinobu has today off and she is sleeping in because something kep her awake for a good portion of the night,” Tomoko's voice replied, making Naru's eyes widen in shock.

“Wh-What? What are you doing in there?” Naru asked, as she stood up.

Tomoko replied that she was giving Shinobu a break, as the younger girl bothneeded a break and some time to sleep in. Naru tried to argue that it was Shinobu's job that Tomoko was taking over. Tomoko's response was that Shinobu cooks, cleans, and does laundry. Before Naru could reply, Tomoko said that Shinobu does it all on top of studying as well. Naru tried to argue that studying for classes in Tokyo University was more important than Shinobu's studying. Tomoko's response was that it was a matter of perspective. Naru's studying was more important to Naru, while Shinobu's studying was more important to Shinobu, but at least Shinobu cared enough to make time to care for others. Not liking how the argument was going, Naru grumbled that it was too early to argue.

Naru watched as Keitaro, Mutsumi, Motoko, Tsuruko, and Su sat down at the table. Each greeted her and she greeted them back.

“So what time are you leaving, Naru?” Su asked. Her usual cheerfulness seemed a bit off.

“I think I'll leave about an hour after breakfast...” Naru replied. She looked at Keitaro out of the corner of her eye.

“Want me to call Seta to pick you up?” Keitaro asked, as Tomoko came in with breakfast.

“No, I can get to the train station by myself,” Naru replied in a manner that seemed to suggest that she thought Keitaro's suggestion was something dumb. Tomoko was passing out breakfast.

“Tomoko, where is Shinobu?” Motoko asked, as she accepted the offered food from Tomoko.

“Sleeping in. She claimed that she thought a ghost was keeping her awake, with the ghost claiming something was not its fault. Luckily for her, her school canceled the day because of a broken water main,” Tomoko replied, looking over at Naru, who now had a surprised and somewhat guilty look on her face. “Do you know something about the ghost, Miss Narusagawa?”

“No! No, Nothing at all!” Naru quickly replied, as inwardly, she promised to make it up to Shinobu for bothering her last night.

“If you say so....” Tomoko muttered, clearly not believing Naru's claims.

“If it is a spirit, then it should worry, as no less than three Aoyamas are in the area,” Tsuruko said with a smile aimed at Motoko.

Motoko nodded and said, “Yes, it would almost be like during training back when I was younger.”

“That is.... If it is a spirit. It may very well be a loose wooden board near her room that simply needs to be repaired,” Tomoko commented, as she finished passing out the food.

Glaring at Keitaro, Motoko muttered, “Then a certain landlord needs to-”

“Rest, as he was injured recently and had to come up the stairs by himself,” Tomoko finished, staring at Motoko with cold eyes that were angry enough to shut the younger Aoyama up.

“Surely Haruka helped him up...” Naru muttered.

“She assumed that one of you would be kind enough to help him,” Tomoko replied, before she started to eat.

“Wait a second... How do you know about that little event? Kitsune asked, thinking she found a hole in Tomoko's story.

“The videos that Su has. I was surprised to see that Tama was the only one that greeted him when he came back to the Hinata,” Tomoko answered. No one noticed Mutsumi's hands curl up into fists under the table as memories of the various arguments of Tama claiming that Naru was a bit too self-absorbed came back to the Turtle girl.

“We.... We were all busy....” Naru muttered as she tried to think up an excuse.

“”But Keitaro never called to let us know that he was coming!” Kitsune said, hoping that Keitaro would be the target of someone wraith, like so many times before.

“but I did call!” Keitaro cried out. Naru seemed ready to start a counter argument, when both Tomoko and Tsuruko let out some killing intent aura, making everyone freeze in place

“This is a time to eat and gather strength for the day....” Tomoko said.

“And it is not a time to squabble!” Tsuruko finished.

The rest of the meal was fairly quiet. After the meal was done, Tomoko went to prepare something for Shinobu to eat later when she woke up.

-oOo-

As everyone went on their way, Naru decided to let Mutsumi on what she saw last night.

“Mutsumi? Could I talk to you for a little bit? It's kinda important,” Naru asked in a quiet voice, not wanting to get anyone else's attention.

Mutsumi smiled and answered with, “Sure, where shall we talk?”

“Let's go to my room and chat while I get ready to leave,” Naru asked. Mutsumi nodded and the two walked off to Naru's room.

Once they were in Naru's room, Naru told Mutsumi about the video she secretly watched from a vent that had been connected to Su's room. At first, Mutsumi thought Naru misheard some parts of the video, since the idea of time travel and Tsuruko having an illegitimate child didn't seem likely from all the stories and rumors that her mother, Natsumi, told her about the Aoyamas. Motoko seemed to fit most of those rumors of them being honorable and dedicated to their duties. Keitaro, despite his slight changes, would always be faithful to Naru.

Funny.... that last part seemed to bother Mutsumi a little bit now.

But Mutsumi only met Tsuruko yesterday and she gave off the impression of someone who had a suppressed streak of cruelty or was someone who was willing to make themselves into a villain to 'help
others somehow. That seemed like a bad plan to Mutsumi. What if the plan failed, Mutsumi asked herself.

“Mutsumi?” Naru asked, getting Mutsumi's attention.

“Wha? Oh, sorry, Naru.... I was thinking about a few things...” Mutsumi answered, looking a bit ashamed she had lost track for a moment.

“Should.... Should I go after Keitaro, if it winds up that he is going to cheat on me? But if he doesn't, then Tomoko won't exist...” Naru muttered as she finished getting ready.

“Tomoko might be lying. I can go ask Su to check the DNA while you're away,” Mutsumi said, as she followed Naru as the latter left her room.

“Yeah... I might just be worrying about nothing. Thanks, Mutsumi...” Naru replied.

“Shall I come with you to the train station?” Mutsumi asked. Naru nodded and said she'd like that.
-oOoOoOo-

Author's note: I thank for chronodekar for the dream thing in the beginning.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
Only a few days ago, Keitaro would have rushed above as soon as he heard any kind of shouting. Now... he didn't. He asked and trusted what he was told. The distrust she had for Tomoko started to gain a spark of hate, as the Aoyama seemed to be changing the sweet, kind, lovable Keitaro into someone else.
So even if shows concern and is being smart to not enter a girls room, she would rather he rush in and potentially be hit... (it seems to me he could not know Naru already left)

"Yes.... Yes, I know. He's still Keitaro, but.... Don't you think he's changing a bit too fast? Tomoko barely been here a couple of days ago and he might be changing a bit too fast for poor Naru,"
I guess a guy is not allowed to change and grow.

"There's a different in getting a backbone and being mean!"
Mean? Him?

Tomoko replied that she was giving Shinobu a break, as the younger girl bothneeded
Space needed

"This is a time to eat and gather strength for the day...." Tomoko said.

"And it is not a time to squabble!" Tsuruko finished.
Scary, like twins completing each others sentences.

since the idea of time travel and Tsuruko having an illegitimate child
It occurs to me, that I would like to see Tsuruko's reaction to hearing people thought she had/will have a illegitimate child with Keitaro...

I do not think all the kings horses, and all the kings men, could put Naru together again... to paraphrase Humpty Dumpty.

I would not have minded seeing more of Tsuruko's thoughts on the events occurring, such as the revelations at the breakfast table.

I'm also getting really tempted to ask that someone else take over the planning parts of the outline and the chapters, while I focus on the chapters,
Not really my place to say, but I would question whether that really makes it your story anymore... if they are planning the direction and plot and not you.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I'll make the changes either tomorrow or on monday and put the corrected one up in a separate post.

PCHeintz72, thanks for the help. I think I'll have the next chapter focus on Tsuruko and her thoughts, both about the lie Su put out to hide Tomoko's real identity, about how the others treat Shinobu at times, and anything else anyone here wants Tsuruko comment on. So anyone reading this, feel free to give a suggestion as to what and how she should react.

(Note: suggesting that Tsuruko's husband should have been dead for a year or divorced her, and that Keitaro get into a sexual relationship with all three Aoyamas is something for an Omake. So stuff like that will get rejected for the chapter, but will be considered for the omake when the story is done.)

And should I go back and make Naru have a more explosive reaction about what she saw the other night? Or should I have it be something like a delayed reaction, let it build up while she tries to deny until she sees the DNA evidence that Tomoko is an Aoyama?

I'm debating about having Keitaro be the one to point out that no one has checked if Tomoko is related to him. Or should I have someone else do that?

That's a good point about if it would be my story anymore if I let someone else plan it, PCHeintz72.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
HotelKatz said:
That's a good point about if it would be my story anymore if I let someone else plan it, PCHeintz72.
Not saying you cannot do that... but it could at least potentially lead to you writing a story you do not even agree with the direction on.

If the issue is direction and plot, a beta willing to act as a sounding board might make more sense. Or perhaps depending on how much control you want to give them, a junior or co author.

I'd comment more on stuff, but the main issue I have is the direction and method it is going is not really the one I expected, and currently more is in the air than I'd like so I'm uncertain any commentary on plot would be beneficial. That is not bad by any means, and I'm still reading and interested, but at least for me it leaves me unable to comment as much as normal...
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Well, We still have plenty of time to discuss the direction of my fic before I start putting up chapters on FFN. we're getting into chapters that only have one sentence to describe what hopefully is the main event.

So I'd be happy to hear any commentary on the plot. So if there is something that bothers you about what I'm writing or the direction of the plot, tell me and I'll try to either change the problematic part in a chapter or discuss with you on how I should handle the part better.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
Well... discovered part of my confusion on the story plot... On a whim I re downloaded the story from FF.NET for 1-10 and reacquired the preview chapters here. There were differences in some chapters, and I found because of everyone using the spoilers buttons here instead of merely posting it as readable I missed one preview chapter here...

So... I'll just reread the whole thing sometime off the newly downloaded copy. It is not that long.

Due to recent controversy in another thread, I'll not release what the changes were or what chapters affected, so members are on their own.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
I sent 2 separate PM's on what I've come across while rereading.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Wow, thanks for finding mistakes I've missed.

When I have enough free time, I'll look over the PMs, make the changes in the chapters, and talk over some of the stuff with you. I think that'll be by either Tuesday or Wednesday.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
PCHeintz72 said:
I sent 2 separate PM's on what I've come across while rereading.
A general etiquette question: Why not mention the corrections in the thread itself? Not sure if HotelKatz prefers it either way, but I've felt that having an open discussion about such things in the story thread helps remind others of potential mistakes. Even if certain mistakes do get repeated, I feel that everyone's language grasp can improve as a result.

-chronodekar
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Tomorrow, I'll post chapter 11 on FFN, like I had promised. It seems ready anyways.

Though in retrospect, I should have promised to take my fic off hiatus on the 19th, so to keep with my usual schedule. Ah well... My ability to count needs some fine-tuning at times, I guess.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
chronodekar said:
PCHeintz72 said:
I sent 2 separate PM's on what I've come across while rereading.
A general etiquette question: Why not mention the corrections in the thread itself? Not sure if HotelKatz prefers it either way, but I've felt that having an open discussion about such things in the story thread helps remind others of potential mistakes. Even if certain mistakes do get repeated, I feel that everyone's language grasp can improve as a result.

-chronodekar
Not sure if asking as a mod or as a fellow member, but it matters little either way since an explanation is simple enough...

I guess proper etiquette in this case depends on the view of which takes precedence.

The PMs were sent instead of simply posting in the forum because almost all the items of discussion I was going to bring up were on the prior chapters after a full re-download and a full reread, specifically looking for changes/things still wrong, and some comments that I thought to make as I went.

Most was to material already posted on FF.NET, not the current chapter under discussion... Thus at the time I felt it wrong to clog the thread with old material...

This left the author the decision whether to post fixes here, or at FF.NET, or ignore them... as is the right they have...

The only reason I left a post at all noting I sent something by PM was because I notice on this forum PMs I send tend to get ignored or not responded to, since I do not know which it is I figured that gave incentive to check their box, if they had not already done so...

EDIT: There is of course also a recent discussion I had with another forum member in posts here on not wanting me to note changes to prior chapters in established stories made by authors... Though these would have been more proposed changes, not actual changes. Either way that also helped decide to take it to PM.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I'm still in the 'Someone sent me a PM? Hurray!" phase of my membership here, but I do log on a bit randomly.

And I honestly wouldn't have minded at all if you had decided to post your items of discussion in this topic.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
PCHeintz72 said:
chronodekar said:
PCHeintz72 said:
I sent 2 separate PM's on what I've come across while rereading.
A general etiquette question: Why not mention the corrections in the thread itself?
Not sure if asking as a mod or as a fellow member, but it matters little either way since an explanation is simple enough...
If it's not in mod-color, then I'm asking as a fellow member (Didn't mean to come off as accusatory). More specifically, I was asking this as a fanfiction author with at least 2 story threads on this board.

EDIT: There is of course also a recent discussion I had with another forum member in posts here on not wanting me to note changes to prior chapters in established stories made by authors... Though these would have been more proposed changes, not actual changes. Either way that also helped decide to take it to PM.
Personally, I think your decision is a loss for the community as a whole, but I do understand WHY you decided to stop posting those kind of updates. Its really ... dis-heartening when someone brushes off something you took a lot of effort to make.

-chronodekar
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
A bit of a question: upon hearing Tomoko tell the reason why she went back in time and nearing the part where Keitaro died, should Mutsumi want to hear how he die or should she not want to?

At the moment, I've written a part where Mutsumi gets a feeling that she does not want to hear it and asks Tomoko to stop. All Tomoko does is state that anything will break if one hits it enough times.

But there's a part of me that thinks that is out of character for Mutsumi, that she would stay and listen. Should I change the part? I'll post up what I have written so far, if it can help any. Keep in mind that the chapter is incomplete.

I apologize that the quality of what I've written of this chapter is really not up to par. It's been a bit of a lousy week.

The three Aoyamas stood by Shinobu's room for a few minutes.

“Anyone detect anything?” Tsuruko asked.

“No. I suspect it's nothing more than wear and tear of an old building, or it's dormant at the moment,” Tomoko answered.

“If it's the latter, should I stay and claim that I was sick to my school?” Motoko asked.

“No, You go to school and we'll handle whatever might happen,” Tsuruko answered, as she and Tomoko began to walk away.

Motoko sighed for a moment, but then went to her room After she had gotten on her school uniform, she started to head out, and was going to her school when she sat Tsuruko by top of the stairs in front of the Hinata.

“If nothing appears during the day, Motoko, you and I are going to go shopping after you're done with school. It has been too long since we have done anything as sisters,” Tsuruko said, as she seemed to be waiting for something.

'Confront her on what I heard, or keep it a secret. Latter would give me more power at the moment,' Motoko thought. “Very well. But what are you waiting for?”

“Shippu. I sent a message about a day or two ago. It doesn't concern you,” Tsuruko replied. She smirked as she thought, 'Well, not the you now, technically....'

'Last time I saw that smirk, I was on the end of a prank or joke she pulled....' Motoko thought as she frowned and narrowed her eyes at Tsuruko. Quickly turning away, she said,“I must be off. I'll see you later...”

“Yes, I might decide to show up at your school and pick you up there,” Tsuruko replied, enjoying the sudden stop and the quick movements of Motoko's shoulders, as if she had tasted something extremely sour. Motoko response, once she got out of her shock, was to run down the stairs and out for Tsuruko's sight. The elder Aoyama sister smiled and she muttered to herself, “Shall I try to embarrass her or merely be polite later?

“I'd like it if you stuck with the latter and kept the former to a minimum,” Tomoko's voice said from behind Tsuruko, making her jump a little bit. Tsuruko turned around and glared at Tomoko. Noticing Tsuruko had been scared enough and was getting ready to pull out a bokken and attack, “Really, you should be more aware of your surroundings, sister...”

Tsuruko opened her mouth to berate Tomoko for almost scaring her into attacking, when she recalled the number of times that she herself had decided to have a bit of fun scaring Motoko and saying the exact same thing so many times when they were younger. So Tsuruko sighed as she let go of her bokken. “Just how long have you waited for a situation like that?”

“Not long. So what message did you send Shippu out for?” Tomoko asked.

“I sensed your spiritual energy and sent a message to the elders about it,” Tsuruko answered as she saw a little yellow dot on the horizon. “What do you think they say about you?”

“About me coming from the future or about there being two versions of the heir?” Tomoko asked, as she also watched Shippu fly closer.

“I'd like to hear your thoughts about both, actually,” Tsuruko answered.

Tomoko thought for a moment before telling what she might think could happen. For the first part of the question, she thought that the elders would refuse to believe in the idea of time travel or would ask if it can be repeated for the Aoyama clan's benefit. Out of those possibilities, she hoped for the first one as she could then claim that she was merely a distant relative that worried she might get rejected by the main branch. The second would either require a lie that it was a one time deal from a strong entity as a reward or tell the truth and put Su into the spotlight. While the little inventor most likely had more than enough firepower to handle whatever forces the elders could muster, but the elders might try to force either Tsuruko, Motoko, or herself into making Su invent the time machine. Tomoko then told Tsuruko that she would not be allied with the Shinmei-Ryu and would protect Su at all cost if that were to occur.

Tsuruko merely chuckled and responded that if the Elders did indeed decide to go after a young girl for what she could do, then they would most likely lose the strongest members of the Aoyama clan and face them as enemies.

Tomoko smiled and nodded before she started on her thoughts for the second part of the question.

“As for the second part of the question, either they would see me as an impostor or they might decide to have us fight to prove who would be better as the heir. In any case, I ask that you keep my real identity a secret from the elders.” Tomoko explained.

“Very well. Shall I claim that you are from a distance branch?” Tsuruko asked as Shippu landed and gave Tsuruko the letter from the elders.

“Yes. What the letter say?” Tomoko asked.

“To observe you until I have enough information about you to decide if I should try to either ask you to join the Shinmei-Ryu, or to get an alliance with you,” Tsuruko answered.

“Well, that is a bit amusing. I'm going to train for a bit,” Tomoko replied, before she walked away.

-oOo-

Tomoko had been training for a hour or two on the roof balcony, before she sensed someone coming up. They seemed a bit angry and believed they were doing something right.

“Who's there?” Tomoko called out.

“It's me, Mutsumi,” the person called out. Once she was in Tomoko's view, Mutsumi asked.“Are you busy?”

“I was training, but a break now and then is always welcome,” Tomoko answered, as she walked over to the railing and leaned against it. Mutsumi stood beside her for a few moments, as if she was trying to decide what to say.

“Is something the matter?” Tomoko asked.

“I guess there's no other way to say it,” Mutsumi muttered. She looked Tomoko in the eyes and said, “I know.”

“Know what?” Tomoko asked, feeling a slight shiver.

“You're from the future and you're trying to break up Naru and Kei-Kun!” Mutsumi said, glaring as best as she could at Tomoko.

“...Do you realize how insane that sounds?” Tomoko asked, hiding her shock at the possibility of being found out.

“Naru and Kitsune watched a video that Su had of you talking to Motoko's sister. I know, you're only trying to save your existence, since you're the illegitimate daughter of Tsuruko and Kei-kun If you agree to stop trying to separate Kei-kun and Naru, I'll do my best to talk them into allowing Tsuruko to have a child with Kei-kun,” Mutsumi said, cheering up a bit.

Tomoko stared at Mutsumi, trying to figure out the Turtle girl's logic. On one hand, Tomoko was pleased that Mutsumi had the wrong idea. On the other hand, from what Mutsumi said, Kitsune also watched the video Su had apparently made. So Tomoko would probably have to expect Kitsune trying something later. Tomoko decided to roll with it, but only a little bit.

“ Fine, I am from the future,” Tomoko said, in a manner that made it seem more like she was humoring Mutsumi.“Did the video say anything about Keitaro after a certain point?”

“That was something Naru was bothered by...” Mutsumi said. Tomoko's face seemed to darken as she looked away from Mutsumi.

“That's because Naru's temper had been getting worse and worse. Since it seemed to get really bad when any of us talked with Keitaro, we all thought that if we gave them some space, it might improve. We all thought that. We all hoped that, ” Tomoko explained. She sighed, as if she was revising a really bad memory. “We were wrong. Naru thought we were abandoning her and that it was Keitaro's thought, but we learned that too late.”

Mutsumi gulped a little bit, wondering if confronting Tomoko and trying to get her to stop separating Keitaro and Naru was a bad idea, going by how Tomoko was acting.

“I decided to surprise them by visiting the Hinata. I heard the old, 'Keitaro, you pervert' and the usual crash from him hitting something wooden. But I did not see him go flying off,” Tomoko explained. “How I wish he had flown off.”

At that moment, Mutsumi got a feeling from the pit of her stomach that she did not want to hear anymore.

“Stop. I... I... don't think I want to hear anymore...” Mutsumi said, stepping back.

“Very well. I will only say this, anything will break if you hit it enough,” Tomoko answered as she watched Mutsumi start to walk away.

That made Mutsumi stop in her tracks. She asked what did Tomoko mean by that, but Tomoko refused, saying that Mutsumi asked her not to say anymore. Mutsumi asked, with a bit of a stutter caused by worry, if Keitaro was alright afterwords. Tomoko merely responded with the same response that Mutsumi asked that she did not want to know more, and that Tomoko has to go back to training. Mutsumi frowned. If Tomoko was from the future, then all the attempts..... all the time she spent planning and praying..... would lead to nothing but loss.

Tomoko restarted her training as Mutsumi was walking away. Mutsumi decided to check with Su and see if Tomoko was really an Aoyama. Mutsumi figured that chances are that Su might be able to give a definite answer.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
That ... is actually an impressive snippet. The scene between Tomoko & Mutsumi feels tense. Only suggestion I have is this -

Do NOT have Mutsumi ask Tomoko to stop. Instead, the latter just continues the conversation but does NOT actually say Keitaro died. She ends the conversation with "anything will break beyond repair, if you hit it enough" (to edit your line). Mutsumi, being who she is and seeing Tomoko's body language, correctly deduces that Keitaro died.

Its one of those things that gets silently understood. If you want, include a small monologue that Mutsumi makes in her head as she realizes the implications (to let the reader know what she figured out), but avoid either of them actually mentioning it.

Feels like an appropriate way to handle a death discussion in a sensitive manner too, if you ask me.

Don't have time for spell/grammar check - so I didn't do that.

-chronodekar
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
I agree mostly with chronodekar, but thought it fine the way it was as well..


when she sat Tsuruko by top of the stairs in front of the Hinata.
'sat' s/b 'saw'

Motoko response, once she got out of her shock, was to run down the stairs and out for Tsuruko's sight.
'for' s/b 'of'

“We were wrong. Naru thought we were abandoning her and that it was Keitaro's thought, but we learned that too late.”
the last 'thought' s/b 'fault'

Tomoko restarted her training as Mutsumi was walking away. Mutsumi decided to check with Su and see if Tomoko was really an Aoyama. Mutsumi figured that chances are that Su might be able to give a definite answer.
This makes little sense to me... if she believe what seen on Suus monitors, she knows. if she does not Suu and Tomoko and Tsuruko are all suspect... going to any of them would not solve the problem...
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
...Okay, I admit that I'm a bit embarrassed that I typed 'thought' instead of 'fault'. I do kind of find it funny, though.

I'll make the changes and continue on a bit more with the chapter.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Alright I'll put up the part that was changed the most along with the ending part. I say ending part because I have a bit of a writer's block at what to add, except for a quick what-if omake where it was Future Mutsumi that came back, instead of Future Motoko. In that, I'd have something like this

Mutsumi: Ara, so you are me from the future.... what are you here for?

F!Mutsumi: To win Kei-Kun's heart away from Naru. If you help me, I'm willing to share him with you.

Mutsumi: Wha-what? But-

F!Mutsumi: If you do not help me, then perhaps one of the other girls might be willing to help me in return for sharing his bed...
I'm debating about it either being a dream of Mutsumi's or an omake.

At that moment, Mutsumi got a feeling from the pit of her stomach that she did not want to hear anymore. Mutsumi took a step away from Tomoko. It did not go unnoticed.

“Since it is hard for me to say more at the moment. I will only say this, anything will break beyond repair, if you hit it enough,” Tomoko answered as some tears were barely held back and Tomoko's's grasp. started to make the wooden railing start to make a slight groaning noise.

That made Mutsumi stop in her tracks. After a few moments, Mutsumi thought to herself for a little bit.

'She wished that he flown off? But he always flies off when he gets hit by either Motoko or Naru.... It's not like he... he...'

Mutsumi's eyes widened, she covered her mouth, and took another step back as she realized what happened to Keitaro in the future that Tomoko came from. Tomoko had been watching Mutsumi's reactions.

“Well, I've had better breaks.... Time to go back to training,” Tomoko said in a grumpy tone, as she walked back to continue training.

Musumi asked what happened to Keitaro, but Tomoko refused, saying that she didn't feel like containing talking about it. Mutsumi asked, with a bit of a stutter caused by worry, if Keitaro was alright afterwords. Tomoko merely responded with that she has to go back to training. Mutsumi frowned. If Tomoko was from the future, then all the attempts..... all the time she spent planning and praying..... would lead to nothing but loss.

Tomoko restarted her training as Mutsumi was walking away.

-oOo-

Mutsumi had shuffled mindlessly into her room, where Tama was reading one of the books for Mutsumi's classes.

“Hello, Tama....” Mutsumi said, as she sat down on a large pillow.

“Myuh?” Tama asked, as he flew over to Mutsumi.

“If Tomoko.... If Tomoko is from the future, then I shouldn't try to put Kei-kun and Naru together....” Mutsumi said, trying to hold back her tears.

“Myuh.....” Tama said, as he rubbed Mutsumi's shoulders in some attempt to calm her. It seemed to help a little bit.

“It's just.... I thought they'd be so happy together.... that they would have a happy marriage...” Mutsumi muttered.

“Myuh Myuh Myuh. Myuh?” Tama replied.

“Yes... It might be a good idea to stop and merely settle for them being friends... And to just keep away from the Hinata for a little bit...” Mutsumi said, as she gently grabbed Tama and hugged the flying turtle.

“Myuh! Myuh-Myuh!” Tama said, shaking his head.

“But I must keep quiet about it, and so do you.. Tomoko has a good reason to keep her secret from Kei-kun for now....” Mutsumi replied.

“Myuh....” Tama uttered, as he realized what Mutsumi had.

Mutsumi nodded in response. Mutsumi knew that if Keitaro found out now, he might try to do whatever he can to fix/improve the relationship with Naru. It hurt Mutsumi quite a bit to simply give up on something that she had been looking forward to for years and something that she had been working towards since she came back to the Hinata. While she pondered if it was even possible to still put Naru and Keitaro together, she didn't want to go through the possibility all that effort ending with Keitaro dying. She sighed for a bit as she wished that her future self had come back to this time. Mutsumi figured that her future self would help her think of some plan to get Keitaro and Naru together and avoid the pitfalls of Keitaro's death.

Looking over at a picture she had of herself, Naru, and Keitaro. She smiled a bit as she remembered when all three of them had decided to take Mutsumi inflatable raft to try to get to Okinawa. Mutsumi let out a small giggle as she recalled kissing both Keitaro and Naru.

“It's not like they're open to the idea of saishodoukin....” Mutsumi said to herself.

“Myuh, Myuh Muyh....” Tama said, shaking his head 'no' when he saw a naughty grin start to form on Mutsumi's face.

“Ah.... That's a shame...” Mutsumi replied. 'Then again, they just need to be gently guided into it...'

Deep inside Mutsumi, a long buried fantasy/desire was starting to emerge once again. It had been buried back in 1985, when she had renewed the promise to Naru and decided that Naru should be the one to be with Keitaro.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I Think I'll have chapter 15 be more about Naru's thoughts about the video. Perhaps even go a bit more into detail about the lie.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
HotelKatz said:
I Think I'll have chapter 15 be more about Naru's thoughts about the video. Perhaps even go a bit more into detail about the lie.
this would be interesting to read.

-chronodekar
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I also think I'll hold off on having Tsuruko leave in this chapter. I think I'll wait until after the Motoko and Tomoko fight.

After all, it'd make more sense for Tsuruko to decide to have Motoko and Tomoko fight, instead of whatever other reason I can think of.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
This week sucked. My mind kept wandering because of something bad that happened last year around this time. I thought about taking the week off because of it, but I decided to try to write. Bit of a mistake, since I had to force myself to write. So I may just decide to rewrite this chapter in a couple of weeks. So tell me where I can improve this chapter.


Naru was currently on the train to Kyoko.

'When I come back, I'll be able to tell Keitaro how I feel,'Naru thought with a smile. She was interrupted out of her thoughts when a fellow Toudai student sitting besides her pokes her in the shoulder.

“So Narusagawa-san, You have something ready?” the student asked. Naru nodded.

“Why would I go if I wasn't ready?” Naru replied, smiling a bit. The other student smiled back before pulling out a book to read. 'This is much easier... Tasks to do, plans to follow... Nothing expected!'

She briefly thought of Keitaro, but shook her head a little bit to ward off the thought. She decided that those matters were for later. The trip to the temple where they would be staying at wasn't too bad. There was the expected semi-plans to go visit various places when there was some free time. Naru and a few of the more responsible ones did their best to point out and argue that the group general assembly came first. As expected there were groans and complaints, but in the end, They got to the temple with not much more fuss.

On the way there, one or two of the male students asked if Naru was seeing anyone. Naru politely said that she wasn't looking and that they should concentrate on their task at hand. While the guys seemed like they were going to point out that they had 3 days for it, there was an instinctive feeling that going after Naru wasn't worth it, even though Naru hadn't shown any anger or annoyance at being asked by them. She had been polite.

After being shown the rooms where they would be staying at, Everyone put their belongings off to the sides of the room and got out their stuff for the meeting.

-oOo-

Back at the Hinata...

“So nothing?” Tomoko asked, as she and Tsuruko were sitting on the couch in the living room and watching some soap opera. The channel they were watching was featuring some shows and commercials from America.

“Yes, it appears that it was merely the house and its age,” Tsuruko answered as she tried her best to keep her interest in the show, but was failing. “I take it you're going to help Urashima fix it?”

Tomoko nodded,before saying, “And I take it that you're utterly bored by what's on the television?”

“Yes. It almost seems like they're re-using a plot that almost seems like it's 50 years old....” Tsuruko replied.

“I think that's because they are in a sense. And they've probably shown the same storyline in different varieties over the years,” Tomoko said, as she picked up the remote and looked at it. Briefly looking over at Tsuruko, who seemed very surprised at that tidbit..

“Then why? Why tell the same story again and again?” Tsuruko asked, looking over at Tsuruko. Tomoko shrugged.

“I don't know. Money, not wanting to make too many new plot lines, someone thinking they can give it a fresh new twist....” Tomoko answered.

At that moment, a commercial that had come chihuahua had come on. After it was over, Tsuruko groaned.

“That was the stupidest commercial I have ever saw....” Tsuruko groaned,covering her face with her hand.

“Don't worry, The company that the commercial is advertising will cancel it sometime next month because most people remember the dog, instead of the food,” Tomoko said, as she changed the channel.

“How do you.... Oh... future, right?” Tsuruko asked. Tomoko nodded.

“Shall we watch something else? Tomoko asked.

“I will, but you go and see if Urashima needs any help with anything,” Tsuruko answered, enjoying the slight glare that Tomoko gave her.

“Don't worry, I will, but on my own time,” Tomoko replied as she handed the remote over to Tsuruko. When Tsuruko made a slight laugh, Tomoko asked, “What's so funny?”

“You're from the future and you're talking bout time. I find that amusing somehow...” Tsuruko answered.

“I don't get it...” Tomoko muttered as she let the room.

Tsuruko changed the channel a few more times until a movie that she had watched several times back when she was younger came on.

“Legend.... It's been a few years since I've watched it.... I wonder what sountrack it has, the one done by Jerry Goldsmith or the one done by Tangerine Dream?” Tsuruko asked herself as she leaned back into the couch.

-oOo-

It didn't take Tomoko much wandering around to find Keitaro. He was currently just stepping out of his room.

“Mr. Urashima, do you require any help?” Tomoko asked.

“Well, I'm going to go check to see if the hot springs need to be cleaned,” Keitaro answered, heading to the hot springs.

“It would be a bad idea for you to go check, Mr. Urashima,” Tomoko replied walking along with him. Keitaro had a vision of him entering the hot srpings, only to get hit into the air by either Tsuruko or Motoko while they using the hotsprings.

“Yeah, guess you're right....” Keitaro muttered, feeling a bit depressed, but also a bit relieved at avoiding getting hit.

“Yes, While you still have a cast and are still using crutches, there is a greater chance of you falling down and further injuring yourself,” Tomoko replied. Keitaro's eyes widened a bit for a moment.

“Oh.... Oh yeah...” Keitaro muttered, cheering up a bit.

“While I go check to see if they need to be cleaned, can you do me a favor? Can you go get Su and tell her I need a favor from her?” Tomoko asked, looking at him. She enjoyed the relieved look he had.

“Sure,” Keitaro said, before he walked off.

After putting on a tanktop and some shorts, Tomoko went into the hot springs. As she looked around, she felt a bit conflicted. On one hand, the hot springs didn't seem like they needed to be cleaned for another day or so. On the other hand, there was a part of her that wanted to impress Tsuruko. So Tomoko began to start cleaning. It didn't take long for Su to appear. Su asked what did Tomoko want. Tomoko asked if Su could help put back the barrier in the middle of the hotsprings. Su's reply was another question, if she could make a better barrier with all sorts of weapons. Tomoko refused, stating it would clash with the charm the the Hinata and also would take away the magic of the hot springs if everyone knew that there were lasers, missiles, and guna aimed at them while they were trying to relax. Su said she might have a few devices that might help with rebuilding the barrier, but the devices were old and she hadn't worked on them for a long time. Tomoko said that as long as they work as she wants them to work, she doesn't mind. Su went off to get the devices. Tomoko began to double check the areas that needed to be cleaned

A few moments later, Su appeared. As she said, the devices looked primitive compared to her usual inventions. She explained that all they were designed for was construction and didn't even have any self-destruct mechanisms. Tomoko smiled and said that there was no need for a explosion at the moment, only construction. Su grumbled a bit. Tomoko's response was that Su now had to help her clean the hot springs. Su grumbled some more under her breath, but stayed to help. This got Tomoko's attention and she briefly pondered what could have changed Su's behavior.

Then she remembered the chat with Mutsumi.

“Su...” Tomoko said in a slightly upset tone that Su was very familiar with, one that Motoko took when Su had crossed a line that she shouldn't have. “Mutsumi said you recorded my talk with Tsuruko....”

Su stood in place as she was a bit shocked at hearing that. She assumed she might have a bit more time to figure out a way to break the ice. Since Mutsumi destroyed that plan, Su figured there would be little point in denying it, escpecially when Tomoko used that tone. After taking a breath of air, Su turned around and faced Tomoko.

“Well, I sent them to protect Motoko. How as I supposed to know that you are also her, just a few years removed?” Su said. “So they followed you, since Tsuruko was counted as a possible threat.”

Tomoko briefly had a smile as she thought, 'You're right in a way, but me coming back might have prevented an important event.... Assuming she doesn't try to start one because she wants to see-!'

Tomoko was able to stop herself from slapping her forehead.

“In a way, you might be right. Tsuruko might decide to fight my younger self to see her progress while staying at the Hinata,” Tomoko said.

“I know... I heard the details... Also, Kitsune thinks you're Tsuruko's future daughter. Just letting you know,” Su replied.

“That explains a few things.... Going by how Mutsumi was acting, she and Naru think that as well. We might be able to use this. After all, the lie is more ridiculous than the truth, so the former should be hide the latter until we are ready,” Tomoko said as she found a bottle that Kitsune had left behind by accident. “Kitsune really should clean up her act....”

“She wouldn't be Kitsune if she did,” Su replied, hoping to get a smile out of Tomoko.

“She still would, but sober, coherent, and not passed out in odd places,” Tomoko muttered, as she walked to the wooden entrance and put the bottle off to the side.

Su wasn't sure what to say about that, so she stayed silent. The two cleaned up the Hot springs. Not as good as Keitaro's usual way, but still pretty good. Su asked why did Tomoko want to clean the hot springs. Tomoko answered that it was to impress Tsuruko. Su replied that having her younger sister time-travel already would be more impressive. Tomoko was silent for a little bit before grumbling something under her breath.

-oOo-

The meeting went fairly well in Naru's opinion. No one acted totally perverted. The ones that did were in a relationship with each other. A part of Naru was a bit jealous at them. That part of her wanted to tell Keitaro that she loved him. The other part of her was the part that one day, she and Keitaro's relationship might end up the same way as her parents, in a divorce. Naru's mind kept switching back and forth between the two sides.

Not wanting to stay in the temple and dwell on these thoughts, Naru left to wander around for a bit. As she passed by a small store, she thought about calling back, just to see how everything was. Just as she was about to ask to use the phone, she stopped, as memories of Su's video came to her.

According to Tomoko, Naru had married Keitaro and all seemed well for a while. Then their relationship seemed to get worse and worse, making Naru's parents' relationship seem far more pleasant by comparison. When Keitaro ceased to be mentioned, it struck Naru as odd at the time, but now she worried about the possible reasons about why Keitaro would not be mentioned. So Naru walked away from the store, trying her best to not think of why until she was alone and could panic without anyone interrupting her.

Once she had found a spot in a park near a bridge, she pondered about the various reasons that Keitaro was not mentioned after a certain point.

Getting arrested for some reason? Naru scoffed at that. Keitaro was too spineless to even think of doing something bad. Naru pondered if he really was that clumsy to have that many accidents that had him in spots and positions that made him look like a pervert. For a brief moment, she felt a bit guilty for her actions towards Keitaro. Then she shook her head to get rid of that thought.

Did he leave her like her father left her mother? Naru grew mad at that thought. If he did leave her like that, then she planned on breaking every bone in his body.

Did his immortality finally wear off? A cold feeling went through her entire body. No. No, she did not want to even think that was even possible.

Was Tomoko merely a skilled lier and was planning on taking Keitaro away? The cold feeling was replaced by rage. Yes! Yes, that was what Naru believed what was happening. Tomoko went though time and space, just to take Keitaro away from her! But Naru knew what to do to stop her, all Naru had to do was tell Keitaro that she-

Naru froze.

Maybe she could fight and defeat Tomoko. Or get Motoko to. They were friends, after all.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
a commercial that had come chihuahua had come on.
The wording on this needs to be redone. The first 'come' needs to be removed.

only to get hit into the air by either Tsuruko or Motoko while they using the hotsprings.
'they' s/b 'they were'

"Yes, While you still have a cast and are still using crutches, there is a greater chance of you falling down and further injuring yourself,"
There is also the fact a traditional cast should not be allowed to get wet.

and guna aimed at them while they were trying to relax.
'guna' s/b 'guns'

so the former should be hide the latter until we are ready,
remove the 'be'

Maybe she could fight and defeat Tomoko.
Bwahahaha...


My main issue... I'm not convinced Suu is portraid right in this segment. That shw ould swap the video around so Kitsune would think what she does I'm fine with... but the way she was talking with Tomoko was a bit odd to me. And yes, I'm taking into account she is far more cunning than she portrays herself as in canon...
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
I'm going to have to repeat the old fanfic recommendation adage...
Show, don't tell

There's a big block of text where you could have easily given some better Tomoko - Suu interaction.
No dialog there, feels both rushed and unimportant... would have instead made for character building in Kaolla's case, even if it was only one or two lines.

Granted, it's hard to write dialog for her, specially since she's not really at the center of the plot or one of the main characters. But she deserves some love too.

“She still would, but sober, coherent, and not passed out in odd places,”
wow... she REALLY wants to to scare people off the Bad End Naru Route :p

And Naru just keeps digging the hole deeper... /facepalm

Thanks again for continuing to share this with us!
 
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