Akamatsuverse Another blade in a second

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
PCHeintz72 said:
Hmmm... an idea...

A story with the girls interested in him, even making passes and escalating as time goes on, and them never realizing it is due to liking older women...

They may come to realize it later he takes a inexplicable liking to both Tsuruko and Amalla...

it sounds like a good idea for a fic, but then one kinda has to come up with a reason why he would go after Naru for a little bit.

My first thought was that Naru would somehow remind Keitaro of Haruka in some way, but he eventually stops going after Naru. Probably by him trying to think of a good reason why to continue to try to get Naru to be his girlfriend, but being unable to think of even a so-so reason.

As for why Keitaro going after Naru because she reminds him of Haruka, I dunno. I guess for a bit of the same reason that some people date a person that has similar qualities as one of their parents.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
The Christmas cake reference was toward Tomoko (as she is past 25 ;) )

aaand... transplanting the Kei likes Christmas Honey Cakes idea to the proper thread.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Here is what I have planned for chapter eleven. Any bit of help/suggestion/advice will be appreciated. As for when it will be put up, that will be July 12th.

Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina.
-oOoOoOo-

“...And then you came into the room, ” Tomoko said, as she and Tsuruko neared the stairway of the Hinata.

To Tomoko's surpise, Tsuruko didn't appear to be angry at any moment of the tale. She frowned a little bit at some parts and looked a bit sad at others, but didn't interrupt at all. Then Tsuruko spoke.

“Sister, have you heard of a term called, 'Necessary fail'?” Tsuruko asked.

“Not to my knowledge....” Tomoko answered, feeling the all too familiar feeling that she failed somehow in Tsuruko's eyes.

“Here's an example. In your timeline, you and Urashima lost against me. After getting depressed for a bit, you got back up and fought against me. While miss. Narusagawa interrupted our match by getting possessed by the Hina blade, you did impress me enough to succeed,” Tsuruko explained. “In this timeline, You prevented that from happening and also prevented this timeline's Motoko from growing from that experience.”

Tomoko stopped in place, causing Tsuruko to look back at her.

“I... I... I... did not realize that...” Tomoko muttered as the thought of that in her quest to help her past self grow into a better person, She may have undone some valuable growth. She grabbed her head as she shouted, “I thought I outgrew not thinking things through!”

Tsuruko sighed as she thought, 'That's my sister alright....'

“While I could stand here and point out where you went wrong by preventing a lot of other events, we have something a tad more important to accomplish,” Tsuruko replied.

“What could that be? What could be more important than recognizing that I failed as soon as I began my task?” Tomoko cried out, nearly panicking.

Tomoko's stomach then growled.

“It is dinnertime and I think that Miss Maehara may have set aside some of the food that she made. Let us go and feed ourselves,” Tsuruko said, as she began walking up the stairs.

“...Right..... Better to not think on an empty stomach...” Tomoko muttered as she followed Tsuruko.

-oOo-

When the two Aoyamas got up the stairs, Keitaro was waiting by the front door.

“Shinobu saved your portion, Tomoko, and she set some aside for you, Miss Tsuruko,” Keitaro said.

“Thank you for telling us that, Mr. Urashima. I'll be sure to thank her later,” Tsuruko replied. “I've been meaning to ask. How did you break your leg? Is my sister responsible?”

“No, she isn't in any way. The thing responsible was a a roof ornament that looked like a large peach fell and broke my leg,” Keitaro said.

“Well, at least the tenants are helping you while you are recovering, right?” Tsuruko said.

Keitaro didn't answer and Tsuruko saw through the corner of her eye that Tomoko looking surprised, guilty, and also mouthing the words, “Oh shit...”

When Keitaro did answer, it was with a half-hearted, “They are often busy... But Tomoko at least offered to help...”

“Did they at least helped you up the stairs?” Tsuruko asked, as traces of disappointment were starting to appear in her her voice. 'Motoko, I thought you were raised better than that...'

“...They were busy at that time as well...” Keitaro muttered, not wanting to answer, but also not wanting to seem rude.

“Did anyone meet you when you came out of the hospital?” Tsuruko asked, with a slightly exasperated tone.

“....Only Tama....” Keitaro said. He then opened the door and said in a depressed tone, “I... I need some time to be by myself....”

After Keitaro closed the door and left, Tomoko faced Tsuruko and began frantically saying, ” Sister! I thought I did come out to greet him at that time!”

“We're at the Hinata, so be quiet about that,” Tsuruko ordered. Tomoko nodded, while Tsuruko continued, “As much as I'm disappointed in Motoko, I'm also disappointed in Haruka. Whenever we met while she and Seta were traveling, she spoke a lot about friends and family and how it was all important to her. Hearing what Urashima said makes me think that all it was to Haraka was just that, a bunch of talk to make herself feel good.”

“Tsuruko, we're not here to discuss Haruka and how her actions and words differ. Let us eat first and then handle Motoko's situation,” Tomoko said, as she opened the door for Tsuruko.

“Yes.... It would be better to fill our bellies...” Tsuruko said, as she and Tomoko entered the Hinata.

-oOo-

While the two ate, Everyone else either was in their rooms or was watching TV in the living room. Tomoko and Tsuruko used the time to plan something.

After they were done eating, the two went to Motoko's room.

“Motoko, we have things to discuss....” Tomoko said, as she opened Motoko's bedroom door. She saw Motoko had been trying to meditate.

“Yes, it concerns if you should be allowed to stay at the Hinata. Shall we speak here or somewhere else? It's going to be a private matter,” Tsuruko said, noting that Motoko looked like she had been waiting for this to happen, but also like she wanted to run away.

“... My room is good....” Motoko said, after taking a breath to try to calm down.

“What about eavesdroppers?” Tomoko asked.

“... Then.... Then..... Perhaps the storage rooms under the Hinata? They're fairly quiet,” Motoko answered, looking a bit embarrassed as she remembered all the times that she eavesdropped on someone else when they were in their rooms, usually because of Kitsune or Su dragged her to listen. Though there was always a few times where she did it voluntarily.

The Aoyama trio then headed to the storage rooms. After finding a room where there was a few boxes that could be sat on, the trio entered.

“Sister, your cousin let me know of a few things that had happened here,” Tsurko said, looking..... disappointed? Annoyed? Motoko wasn't too sure. “Why have you attacked your landlord so many times for imagined slights and genuine accidents?”

“He doesn't belong here,” Motoko stated, calming down a bit after finding some relief in something she thought she knew the answer to.

“Sister.... You know as well as I do that by blood and by our nation's laws, he has more of a right to be here than you do,” Tsuruko replied. “I thought you would have grown a bit and would be able to get past your hatred of men. It seems that Hina Urashima has failed in her promise to help you....”

“No, she hasn't failed! She helped by giving us a sanctuary from males! The only thing that went wrong was that he came here!” Motoko loudly stated.

“But from what I learned, Hina Urashima was the one that made him your landlord. So she did fail, either by not helping you get past your hatred of men or by 'ruining' your precious man-free sanctuary by giving Urashima reason to stay,” Tsuruko said. “And please keep your voice down.”

“I apologize, but I was simply stating-” Motoko said, before Tomoko pulled out a bokken out of nowhere and held it near Motoko's throat.

“If you were going to say 'I was simply stating the truth'.... You weren't; an opinion is not the same thing as truth. There is a difference. Keep that in mind,” Tomoko quietly said, as she glared at Motoko.

“Tomoko....” Tsuruko said, as she crossed her arms.

“What I did was nothing compared to what she has done to Mr. Urashima,” Tomoko said, as she put her bokken away.

“If you keep that up, I will drag you both back to the Shinmei-Ryu compound and have you both punished. So behave, the both of you!” Tsuruko ordered.

“Very well, I will,” Motoko and Tomoko said at the same time, sounding a little ashamed of how they acted.

Tsuruko held back a smile as she thought, 'That was rather amusing. The difference in age does little to hide how cute Motoko sounds when she is ashamed.'

“Motoko? Do you know why I came here?” Tsuruko asked.

Motoko gulped a little before asking, “You're not here to bring me back, are you?”

“That was what I had planned. To bring you back, so that you cloud receive the dojo,” Tsuruko said, as she uncrossed her arms.

Motoko let out a little whimper of fear.

'It's over now.... My sister is not one you cloud argue with.... But perhaps Urashima could help me....' Motoko thought.

“But your cousin has managed to talk me into considering letting you stay, but with some conditions attatched,” Tsuruko said.

Motoko was surprised at that, she was convinced that nothing could change her sister's mind, especially when it came to tradition.

“So it's your choice. Either come back with me to the Shinmei-Ryu or stay, but follow what Tomoko tells you to do, even if it is something you disagree with at the time,” Tsuruko said.

Motoko looked at Tomoko, trying to discover Tomoko's reason for helping her. Tomoko's face seemed annoyed at Motoko, but there was a glimmer in her eyes that seemed to say, 'I know you can do better.'

“Before I make a decision, may I ask Tomoko what she is getting out of this?” Motoko asked.

“Tomoko?” Tsuruko asked, finding a bit of amusement out of the situation.

“The Hinata is a rather nice place to live at for a while and I don't want to head back to the compound so soon. This would also allow me to spend some time with my cousin,” Tomoko answered.

“I... find that a little hard to believe...” Motoko muttered.

“I see a bit of myself in you and don't want you making the same angry mistakes that I did. So I will be trying me best to help you,” Tomoko said. She then gained a bit of an evil grin. “Tell me.... When was the last time you and Tsuruko went shopping for clothes?”

“I can't really remember....” Motoko muttered, as she slowly faced Tsuruko.

“Oh, that sounds like fun! Perhaps we'll find some cute clothes for you that will have Urashima falling head-over-heels for you, sister!” Tsuruko said, clasping her hands in joy.

Motoko looked horrified, while Tomoko's grin turned into a smirk.

“Oh, don't look so shocked, cousin. You needed both a reason to loosen up and to spend some time with Tsuruko,” Tomoko said.

“But it will be humiliating!” Motoko cried out. Then she noticed the sudden look of depression on Tsuruko's face.

“I do not think it it would be humiliating... Then again.... All I wanted to do was to spend some time with my sister...” Tsuruko softly said.

If this was a scene in a comic, an arrow would have been partially made out o Tsuruko's word balloon and hit Motoko in the chest or back

“Sister.... It's just.... the last time I went shopping for clothes with someone, they used it to humiliate me... I was worried that you might have been planning on doing the same....” Motoko explained. “But I'll be free to go with you the day after tomorrow.”

“”That would be great, sister....” Tsuruko said, cheering up a bit. 'Besides, I have better ways to humiliate you for my amusement than using you as a dressup doll. Though that does sound like fun...'

When Motoko seemed to cheer up as well, Tsuruko said.“But should you hit Urashima at all before we go out, I might be very tempted to have you dress in a few specific outfits as a punishment.”

“What if something happens, like Urashima in a compromising position with someone?” Motoko asked.

Before Tsuruko could say something, Tomoko said, “Oh yeah, I never did find out if Mr. Urashima prefers a woman's breasts or her behind!”

Then Tsuruko said something that made Motoko pass out from shock.

“Oh, do you want me to ask or shall we have Motoko find out?”

-oOo-


The two carried the unconscious Motoko out of the storage room and into her room.

“A bit too far?” Tsuruko asked, as Motoko was placed on her futon.

“Perhaps. It hasn't been a good day to her so far,” Tomoko answered, as she took out a blanket ot cover Motoko. “Shall we stay until she wakes or leave and let her rest?”

“Let's leave her be for now,” Tsuruko replied. The two then left Motoko's room.

Kitsune was waiting at the side of Motoko's door.

“I wanna talk to Tsuruko for a little bit alone, Tomoko, “ Kitsune said.,

Tomoko frowned and was about to say something, but Tsuruko held up her hand to stop her.

“It's alright, Tomoko. Go on ahead,” Tsuruko said. Tomoko nodded before leaving.

“So what did you do to knock her out?” Kitsune asked, a bit concerned for her fellow tenant.

“Merely told her that in a day or two that she'll be spending some time with me, since it's been awhile,” Tsuruko said.

“And that was what knocked her out? Not some fancy stealth attack?” Kitsune asked.

“She was very surprised at what I suggested,” Tsuruko said. Before Kitsune could say anything, Tsuruko said, “Merely shopping together as sisters; which means you are not invited.”

“Feh, not like I wanted to come. Alll you'll probably get is more of the same clothing,” Kitsune muttered as she started to walk away. “Oh, Tsuruko? Please tell your cousin to back off of Keitaro.”

“Why should I? She has a good head on her shoulders and probably does have a good reason for her actions,” Tsuruko replied. Kitsune stopped in place.

“She's meddling with people that she shouldn't,” Kitsune said. She didn't like the grin that appeared on Tomoko's face.

“From what I've been told, you've meddled with him far more than I ever could and at least Tomoko is doing it with the intention of helping him and everyone here if she can can,” Tomoko said.

“So what? He's always gotten up, and if it really bothered him, he'd tell us to stop,” Kitsune replied, not wanting to back down.

“Huh.... Ah! I know what is really bothering you. He stood up to you or refused something that you wanted him to do. And going by what my sister has told me, you're worried that you might get kicked out for not being able to pay for the rent,” Tsuruko said. Kitsune's glare was all that Tsuruko needed to see to know that she had scored a victory.

Kitsune walked away and turned a corner.

Tsuruko then went down to Tomoko's room to chat some more with Tomoko. Unknown to Tsuruko, Kitsune had managed to quickly hide herself in a hidden entrance of a tunnel to avoid the Aoyama. After waiting a few minutes to make sure that she were gone, Kitsune got out of the tunnel and went to Motoko's room.

“Motoko? You awake yet?” Kitsune said as she knocked a little. After a little bit of hearing to reply, Kitsune opened the door a little. Seeing that Motoko was still asleep, Kitsune snuck in and walked over to her.

Grabbing a nearby staff, Kitsune walked far enough away so that the staff could barely poke Motoko.

“Time to wake up, Sleepyhead,” Kitsune cheerfully said, as she poked Motoko a few times.

“Ergh-uhhh.....” Motoko muttered as she began waking up. “I dream that Tsuruko said something horrid...”

“Like what?” Kitsune asked, as she continued to poke Motoko.

“Stop that!” Motoko said, grabbing the staff and pulling it away from Kitsune. An angry glare was on Motoko's face.

“You're no fun,” Kitsune said with a pout. “So what did your sister say?”

“...Forget it. What are you here for?” Motoko asked, as not many people liked getting poked with a stick while they were waking up.

“Just came to talk with you,” Kitsune answered. “And maybe get you to convince your sister to get Tomoko to leave here.”

Kitsune worried a bit when Motoko's glare turned a bit sad.

“My sister came here for a purpose. Do you know what she came here for?” Motoko asked. When Kitsune shook her head, Motoko said, “My sister came here to take me back to the Shinmei-Ryu compound, so that I could take it over.”

“So tell her you're not ready,” Kitsune replied.

“That isn't an option when Tsuruko has her mind set on something. The only way out is if I was engaged with someone,” Motoko said. Motoko was a bit surprised when Kitsune seemed both surprised and angry. “What?”

“You were planning on telling her that you and Keitaro were an item, weren't you?” Kitsune spat out.

“Only as long as she was here...” Motoko said.

“Just as long as it doesn't bother Naru...” Kitsune quietly grumbled.

“What was that?” Motoko asked.

“Nothing....” Kitsune answered. She gained a bit of a naughty grin as she said,“Anyways.... Your sister and cousin are in the latter's room.... Aren't you curious about what they might be talking about?”

“...Maybe a little bit...” Motoko muttered. “But what would I do if I got caught?”

“Out of all of us, you have the best excuse to cover up your actions. You can claim that you wanted to spend some more time with your sister, but didn't want to intrude on their conversation,” Kitsune said.

-oOo-

It took a bit more convincing, but Kitsune managed to get Motoko to go and listen in on Tomoko's and Tsuruko's conversation.

At the same time, Su was checking over a few things in her lab, when she discovered that her Tamabots that had been sent to protect Motoko from Tomoko had kept on eye on the latter.

On a whim, she decided to watch what they recorded.

-oOoOoOo-

Author's note - I thank Solaris of Thefanfictionforum for the bit where Tomoko panicked and Tsuruko's thought about it.

In fact, I thank everyone over at Thefanfictionforum for being a big help, especially, PCHeintz72, IonDragonX, chronodekar, EagleCeres and everyone else that helped me in even the smallest ways.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
Odds and ends. I was not reading for them, but came across a few mistakes:

A few instances of 'cloud' where it should have been 'could'

Merely told her that in a day or to that
'to' should be 'two'

Kitsune worried a bit when Motoko's glare turned a bit said.
'said' should be 'sad'

Do you do what she came here for?”
The 2nd 'do' should be 'know' or something similar.

Overall... I'm of mixed feelings on a couple aspects of this latest spoiler segment... for example I'm hesitant to believe Kitsune would do an outright confrontation with Tsuruko over Tomoko with Tomoko right there.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I fixed the mistakes, PCHeintz72.

So should I change that part to Tomoko going on ahead while Tsuruko gets interrupted by Kitsune?

I'd have to re-write some of Tomoko's dialogue to Tsuruko's, but it's doable.
 
you remember what i said about Mutsumi obsessing over Naru? the only reason for why she has an redeeming qualities is that she thinks it would magically resolve everything, Kitsune does not have even that, you have seen Dragon!Akane from Anime Addventure threads on Lamp of Mihoshi/Sleeping Ranma? yep that's Kitsune alright, only instead of saying He is MINE she says He is HERS (Naru's)
OTOH i recc you read Spoils of War or Face in The Mirror and for 'sometimes the "illusion" of Love is not enough' or as i call it "too little, too late"/"you snooze you loose" forest for the Trees
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
Why do you insist on UPPER word limits? IMO, a chapter should go on for as long as necessary to reach a certain plot point. In my case, I use LOWER word limits - keep typing in until that minimum is reached.

On a different tangent, at first glance, the story snippet can be mistaken for something written in script format - it's not, but there's too much dialog involved. I've got similar problems and have been reading (actually; listening to audio books) some Hercule Poirot (by Agatha Christie) for solutions. An interesting idea is to describe a certain character's thought's AND dialogs during the narration.

Here's my take on the initial bit of your preview with that in mind,

" ... and then you came into the room" concluded Tomoko as she neared the Hinata stairway with Tsuruko walking next to her. To her surprise, the elder Aoyama didn't show any signs of anger throughout the entire duration of her tale. She frowned at some points, was sad at appropriate moments, but never voiced any interruptions. It was only when Tomoko finished, did Tsuruko speak.

"Sister, have you heard of a term called 'Necessary Fail' ?"

The question took Tomoko by surprise. A feeling that she was long familiar with, a feeling which indicated that she had failed in Tsuruko's eyes fell across her. She didn't know what her sister was talking about and confessed her ignorance.

"Here's an example," began Tsuruko attempting to educate the time-traveling Aoyama. "In your timeline, you and Urashima lost against me. After getting depressed for a bit, you got back up and fought against me. While our match was interrupted, thanks to Miss.Narusegawa getting possessed by the Hina blade, you did impress me enough to emerge victorious. But," she paused for emphasis before continuing, "in this timeline you prevented that from happening. In preventing a seemingly un-necessary misunderstanding, you also prevented Motoko the opportunity to grow by learning from the experience."

The elder Aoyama suddenly stopped walking, causing Tomoko to take a few extra steps.

Eyes widening on realizing the implications of her actions, the time-traveler sputtered out words of regret. Stuck as she was in an alternate timeline, all she wanted to do was to try and show her younger version how to avoid the mistakes she made herself. Never did she realize that by doing so, it would result in the loss of valuable learning experiences! Tomoko verbally expressed her sorrow that she hadn't outgrown the bad habit of not thinking things through while grabbing her head in both hands.

Tsuruko couldn't help but sigh as she realized that there were some lessons her sister would take years to learn ... if she ever did.

Notice how I avoided the use of "dialogs" while expressing the same scene? They still exist, but it looks a lot LESS of a script format now. At least, I feel that way. :p

Sure, what I'm suggesting means a total re-write, but I think it would help make the story a more interesting read. Don't copy my suggestion, but use your own words. Or just do it for the next chapter.

As for the plot itself, I like what I see. :)

-chronodekar
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
That way of writing does seem a lot better than what I'm currently doing, So I'll try next chapter to ease my writing style into something like it.

As for why I have upper word limits, I'm addicted to playing video games, reading books, and watching old movies; but I also want to put up a new chapter a week. So I have to be a bit careful about my free time.

2000-3000 words seemed like it was a nice and safe way to be able to get a good amount of story out each week.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I fixed the part were Kitsune confronts Tomoko and Tsuruko.

Now it's just Kitsune confronting Tsuruko.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I'm having second thoughts about Motoko discovering that Tomoko is a future version of her in the next chapter....
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
HotelKatz said:
I'm having second thoughts about Motoko discovering that Tomoko is a future version of her in the next chapter....
What's the alternative you have in mind? :huh:

On a sillier note, I had this idea; Someone (Keitaro?) wrote up everyone's name on small ceramic boards to hang in front of their rooms. It was being done one by one and he bumped into some of the girls on the way to hang the 'MOTOKO' board. It drops and breaks. Co-incidentally enough, the way it fell makes it read TO-MO-KO.

That causes some of them to make odd comments. Not sure what else to do with this.

-chronodekar
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
That only Kitsune and Su find out next chapter. Beside some humorous situations that I still want to play out, I have some notes that Existential Insanity and I worked on a long time ago for a duel between Motoko and Tomoko. Some parts of the fight would work better if Motoko doesn't know Tomoko's secret. I can try to find them and post them here, if you want and if they aren't in the outline that I gave you on FFN.

And something like what you thought of would have been better in an earlier chapter, but I can probably work it in. Probably let it be the Hinata's way of trying to tell Keitaro of Tomoko's identity.

Perhaps I could have Keitaro work in a ceramics shop or something to get some extra cash...

If I'm unable to work it in, I'll just make it an omake from the Hinata's POV.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
Send me a sketch (or just post here) and I'll give you my comments.

-chronodekar
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
If it's the outline of the story, I edited the first post in this topic to have it, But I'll re-post the updated outline here.

Chapter 11

Gonna have a part where Tsuruko points out that Tomoko just destroyed a necessary fail for Motoko.
Tsuruko and Tomoko enter and drag Motoko away, intending on talking with her.
Tsuruko is deeply disapointed with Motoko's actions and deals out a guilt trip. Tomoko is given permission to guide Motoko Through one of two ways
a: Tomoko suggests it instead of being brought back to the Shinmei-ryu
b: Motoko pleads quite a bit. Tsuruko and Tomoko pretend to be swayed a little bit, bot Tsuruko demands that Tomoko stay and make sure that Motoko is on the right path.

They got back to dinner. Motoko is relieved when she isn't going to be sent back. The others inquire about what happened, but None of the Aoyamas speak much of what happened, except that Motoko isn't going back to the shinmei-ryu and will be guided by Tomoko for awhile.

On an urging/teasing of Kitsune, Motoko sneaks around and hears a bit of Tsuruko's and Tomoko's plan. Motoko gets confused and decides to go check with Su in the morning if she wants to go see a movie the next day.

Kitsune also sneaks into Su's room, intending on 'borrowing' the invisibilty suits once again. Kitsune watches what Su is watching and it is the video of Tsuruko's and Tomoko's meeting.

Chapter 12
intended to be a breather chapter.

Kitsune stated that Tomoko is a some kinda criminal. Su brings up the evidence to prove that Tomoko is telling the truth.

Kitsune then leaves for her own room, but debates about telling Naru or not. She also might debate about going after Keitaro herself,either to save Naru and Keitaro from the bad future or to try to get Naru to admit her feelings to Keitaro, even if it winds up destroying Naru's friendship with Kitsune.

Might have a bit of a stinger where Naru had decided to secretly follow Kitsune, but also had learned of Tomoko's origins

Chapter 13
Unplanned. Perhaps have Naru tell Mutsumi of Tomoko's secret

Chapter 14
unplanned. Perhaps have Mutsumi confront Tomoko.

Chapter 15
Unplanned. Perhaps have Tsuruko leave the Hinata in this chapter.

Chapter 16
Unplanned. Perhaps do a bit of a flashback chapter of F!Motoko coming in to discover Keitaro's death. Might also do a bit of a flashback where Kuno of Ranma 1/2 really grates on Motoko's nerves.

Chapter 17
Unplanned. Might do a chapter where Su and Tomoko talk a bit and have Su reveal that she knows Tomoko's secret

Chapter 18-20
unplanned. Perhaps do a fight between Tomoko and Motoko?
 
Too many people know Tomoko's secret :/

I'm not too sure if that is a great idea or not. IMHo I think it's better to restrict the people who knows her secret. Su we can guess knows. Maybe add Haruka too. In fact I think you should avoid mentioning to your readers who was watching the tapes of the meeting between Tsuruko and Tomoko, to give it a bit of a mystery on who knows her real identity, and focus first on what Tomoko and Tsuruko have devised for their 'Get Motoko to fall for Keitaro' operation. You can maybe have the others discover the secret later on the story.

Just my two cents.
 

DhampyrX2

Well-Known Member
I think it's a natural progression that once Tomoko's secret is out it won't stay contained. The girls at the Hinata Sou are too close knit and live in too close of quarters for it to stay secret once it's know to any of them. Besides, the only ones there that have any notion of subtlety are Kanako and Haruka. Maybe Kitsune. But something that big, no I don;t think you can keep it contained for very long at all.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I'm going to try to limit the numbers to Tsuruko, Kitsune, Su, Mutsumi, and maaaybe Naru....

At least for now. Eventually, all the girls would learn the secret, but I'm going to try to make it a bit of a gradual process.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
While that is a little bit off-putting, it does open up the story from the standpoint of if they know she is from the future, what is the reactions of each upon learning *why* she went to such extremes...
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
HotelKatz said:
I'm going to try to limit the numbers to Tsuruko, Kitsune, Su, Mutsumi, and maaaybe Naru....

At least for now. Eventually, all the girls would learn the secret, but I'm going to try to make it a bit of a gradual process.
Considering the cast, I'm skeptical if it really can be made into a 'gradual' process. A sudden reveal would be just like the manga shenanigans.

Though, among the lot, Su is a lot more capable of keeping a secret. For the ending of chapter 11, change the bit with Kitsune such that, while she does hear the secret, she mis-hears it.

Bottom line: Su knows the truth, but keeps it to herself. Kitsune realizes that there's a big secret of some such and comes to the wrong conclusions. It would be good comic material for a few chapters with a 'reveal' being a huge surprise for many involved.

Now ... what conclusions should Kitsune come to? ... it would depend on the exact phrasing of the dialog she mis-hears, but something outlandish like Tomoko being Tsuruko's illegitimate child with a former lover would be fun. :)

I'll try to think up of some dialog for that later.

-chronodekar
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I'm not sure if anyone noticed this.....

Back in chapter one of my fic, Tomoko asked to move into room 203, the one right across from Keitaro's room.

Motoko's room is room 302.
 
HotelKatz said:
I'm not sure if anyone noticed this.....

Back in chapter one of my fic, Tomoko asked to move into room 203, the one right across from Keitaro's room.

Motoko's room is room 302.
Whoa~.
Mind = Blown.
XD
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
As for Kitsune mishearing the video, I think I'll go with -

Su learns that Kitsune has snuck in. Su activates a program that alters the dialogue of the video.

Su puts on a pair of headphones that lets her hear the real dialogue.
 
That works. Misunderstandings are very Love Hina-ish. Kitsune thinking Tomoko is Tsuruko's illegimate child is good although how you would explain that as possible when Tomoko is older than Tsuruko, I don't know. Or maybe you can go with Su changing the entire conversation so that Kitsune will think Tomoko is out to seduce Keitaro and Tsuruko is on the plan •shrug•
 
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