Akamatsuverse Another blade in a second

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
So I'll redo the part with Su and do the corrections next week. Perhaps even give a few other places a bit more polish.

I'm guessing I should have Su try to defend Naru a little bit and have her suggest that Tomoko should try to think of a way to alter things only a bit. Tomoko then points out that Naru would need to see someone for her psychological problems and either her pride would prevent it or that it might not help Naru as much as it should.

Or should I do it differently, since it seems that wold be having Su try attempting what Mutsumi tried to do?

On a side note, A part of me still wants to do a small storyline after the main part of the plot is done. It'll be where Su tries so send Tomoko back to her own timeline, but winds up in a parallel timeline, one where Kitsune is the genius of the Hinata.

I'd have Alternate Kitsune explain where Su went wrong with attempting to send Tomoko to her home timeline, Probably something like this:

---

"Well, Su, while I admire your intentions, you did make a bit of a mistake. You assumed that time travel is purely traveling in time, like what the name implies. It is not, it is also traveling in space and possibilities as well." Konno said, typing away on her smartphone-looking device. A 2D holographic image of graph appeared in front of Konno. it had a single line going from the bottom to the top, but it split at one point marked, 'Tomoko arrival'. "You assumed that it was like a straight track."

The 2D Graph became a cube and various other splits kept appearing, eventually filling up most of the cube, except for a small part at the bottom.

"Instead, it's more like an tree with an infinite amount of branches." Konno said. She looked over at Tomoko with a bit of a sad look. "While there is a way to send Tomoko back, it will take time and effort to find her home timeline, assuming she wants to go back to it at all."

---

I might re-think what Alternate Kitsune's explanation to either be a better one or a different one later on. My gut feeling is telling me to put the 'visiting an alternate timeline' story into a Interquel fic after I finish the Future Motoko story, so that the story can have a bit more leeway into being different from the rest of the Future Motoko story.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
On a side note, A part of me still wants to do a small storyline after the main part of the plot is done. It'll be where Su tries so send Tomoko back to her own timeline, but winds up in a parallel timeline, one where Kitsune is the genius of the Hinata.
Unless it is against her will, that implies she is not to be with Keitaro in the end...
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I did not intend that when I wrote it, PCHeintz72. I blame the fact that I had a cold that I thought was allergies at that moment in time. So folks, take it as a lesson to not type when under the influence of alcohol or a cold.

At the moment, either Tomoko or Motoko will be with Keitaro at the end. And both in a humorous Omake after the story is done.

As for the story idea, I'm going to shelve it for now. Maybe I'll re-think it as Su trying to contact and get help from the Su in Tomoko's home timeline, instead of trying to send Tomoko there.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
HotelKatz said:
I did not intend that when I wrote it, PCHeintz72. I blame the fact that I had a cold that I thought was allergies at that moment in time. So folks, take it as a lesson to not type when under the influence of alcohol or a cold.
Nice save.


As for the story idea, I'm going to shelve it for now. Maybe I'll re-think it as Su trying to contact and get help from the Su in Tomoko's home timeline, instead of trying to send Tomoko there.
Hmmm... even if they cannot figure a way back for her, if can communicate with them this has the potential to bring relief to Tomoko and address Tsurukos concern that Tomoko could not let them know she lived after the 1 way trip...

There is a inherent issue though.. determining you are talking to the correct timeline. What I mean is if it is really branching like a tree, as you described, and as described in star trek... there could have been multiple Tomokos going back and saving multiple keitaros, determining not just that you have a alternate group, and one that sent a Tomoko over, but the *correct* one may be an issue.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
That kinda reminds me of some scifi story about time travel.

It used a leaf in a forest during spring as an example for an single timeline or something. Then the story talked about the difficulty about going back to the forest during fall and trying to find that specific leaf after all the leaves had fallen.

I also remember a comic book where the heroes visited a alternate dimension and came back to their dimension at the end, but also asking themselves if they are back in their own dimension or one so similar, that they could not tell the difference.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
HotelKatz said:
That kinda reminds me of some scifi story about time travel.

It used a leaf in a forest during spring as an example for an single timeline or something. Then the story talked about the difficulty about going back to the forest during fall and trying to find that specific leaf after all the leaves had fallen.

I also remember a comic book where the heroes visited a alternate dimension and came back to their dimension at the end, but also asking themselves if they are back in their own dimension or one so similar, that they could not tell the difference.
This theme is actually fairly prevalent in Scifi and anime, even fan fiction.

Star Trek is my best source for examples, but there are others. In that they use quantum signatures to be able to tell if you are native to a specific universe, and temporal signatures, normally with a flux or showing chonitons, to indicate time travel. Worf in Star Trek TNG had this happen to him when bouncing between universes after a shuttle accident. Voyager found a micro-temporal wormhole that allowed them contact with the alpha quadrant but sadly to the past, they left a message hoping it would eventually get back to Starfleet.

If using that terminology, Tomokos temporal sig would be off, but her quantum sig should still be dead on, as she travelled through time, her temporal sig should be off or showing a flux. If she goes back to the future, but the wrong timeline, her temporal sig may still be slightly off, but her quantum sig likely would no longer match.

Note generally one cannot just travel through time, but space as well, otherwise you would for example end up in space instead of on the planet.

Dr. Who uses slightly different terminology, but the end result is nearly the same, those whom travel through time or dimensions show a signature that is different and can generally be scanned for.

In fan fiction, I've seen this in Star Trek crossovers. And even in some Ranma fan fiction as a way to explain Ryoga being able to get around by unconventional means, like running to China or ending up in closets. Ditto for Mitoto (Mihoshi's mother) in Tenchi Muyo GXP for how she can go from one moment cleaning headquarters to the next a bridge of a pirate ship. Some use it as a transport medium fro unusual crossovers. Ranma and Tenchi, or that Multi-crossover called Sleeping with the Girls. I've seen it in Meloncholy of Haruhi Suzimiya. And recently it was used for a crossover between Ranma and the Index/Railgun series to allow one person to travel a while with Ryoga.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
What part of the conversation of Su and Tomoko should I rewrite and expand upon?

I ask because I had taken a week and a half break from writing because I had trouble with starting a chapter for my A!MG fic and it's a bit hard to get back into writing for some reason.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Alright, I re-written one part.

here's the original part

She explained that all they were designed for was construction and didn't even have any self-destruct mechanisms. Tomoko smiled and said that there was no need for a explosion at the moment, only construction. Su grumbled a bit. Tomoko's response was that Su now had to help her clean the hot springs. Su grumbled some more under her breath, but stayed to help. This got Tomoko's attention and she briefly pondered what could have changed Su's behavior.

And here's the re-written part
“Well, like I said, they're old. They don't even have any self-destruct functions!” Su said, while looking a bit angry. Though it seemed she was more angry with herself than at the old devices. Tomoko guessed it was at Su realizing that she had a couple of machines that wouldn't explode.

“They're construction devices, not destruction machines. It makes more sense that they do not have that function. Don't you agree, Su?” Tomoko asked with a smile, as Su programmed in the tasks and activated the devices.

“Yeah... I see your point...” Su said in a sheepish tone. She then quietly muttered, “Doesn't mean I have to like it...”

And thanks for pointing out that I was getting too far on the telling part of the 'show-vs-tell' meter, EagleCeres. I was starting to get a feeling that I was making a big mistake, but I didn't know where I was making it.

If anyone knows where I should make another change, please tell me.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I decided that chapter 16 will be a conversation between Motoko and Tsuruko before they go spend time together, While they spend time together, Kitsune spies on them and gets a bit jealous of either Motoko or Tsuruko, for having a sister to spend time with. Dunno which one Kitsune should be jealous of at the moment. Maybe both?

Ah well. At least I followed this outline longer than the first outline. That one I kinda stopped following after the first chapter.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
I've been too out-of-touch from this thread now that I think I need to re-read the last 2 pages of discussion or so.

-chronodekar
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
Pretty solid re-write there HK.
Kaolla tends to be hard to write for, she's usually a ball of energy jumping around having fun... or "seemingly" completely oblivious to the situation at hand. I haven't seen many fics with her as the lead, just her being the hidden genius that supports the girls (mostly Shinobu tho)... or the mastermind behind harem shenanigans (when Granny ISN'T it.)

Kinda makes you wonder WHY Kaolla feels the need to always put in self destruct mechanisms in her contraptions.
Maybe she wants to make sure that if they get found by someone else, they can't be reverse engineered... or traced back to her? :p

An ending with Motoko vs Tomoko... well either way, the fanboys will rejoice :p
Tho careful with saying stuff about a Keitaro sammich Omake... there are perverts around that would love to read lemons of that particular serving style :snigger:

I'm not sure we have a reason why Kitsune would be jealous of the Aoyama sisters, might need some background on the vixen to pull that off (maybe had a nasty breakup with her family, prompting her to move into the Hinata?) dunno... not sure how deep you're planning to go with ALL of the girls.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I figure Su just really likes explosions.

I don't plan on the fight being the end, but I can't think of anything beyond it, other than some ideas that are pure filler, like Kitsune deciding to get Tomoko drunk in order to find out any secrets she might have, only to learn that Tomoko is an angry drunk towards everything except Keitaro, where she become a weepy drunk. So I might either take a hiatus from this fic to re-charge the mental batteries dedicated to the love Hina fic or type up a epilogue after I finish the fight.

Honestly, I kinda fear writing the fight.

There's an urge to do what my first plan for their fight, way back before I starting writing the fanfic. Which was Tomoko and Motoko fight on the roof balcony. Tomoko does her best to only have a slight edge over Motoko, until Motoko says Keitaro is better off dead, then Tomoko loses her temper a little bit and owns the fight until Motoko is standing on the edge of the balcony. At which point Tomoko kinda forces Motoko to admit defeat.

As for Kitsune, At the moment, I'm going with Kitsune's jealousy being more of a 'only child looks at two sisters having fun together' jealousy than anything else. Then again, I kinda get a bit of an 'only child' vibe at times from Kitsune.

EagleCeres, I thank you for pointing out a good place for me to expand upon, coming up and writing a slight backstory for Kitsune, so she'd be jealous of the Aoyama sisters. I was having some problems with reaching my minimum limit.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
I figure Su just really likes explosions.
Were I her, I'd be worried of creating an international incident between Japan and Mol Mol

Having a missle silo under her floor and robots in the hills outside would definitely be considered foreign military presence in their country w//o consent.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
HotelKatz said:
I don't plan on the fight being the end...
Er... I meant...
"whether Motoko wins or Tomoko wins... the KeixMo fandom will rejoice"
since... you know... name anagram ;)
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
It's alright, EagleCeres. The fight does seem like a good ending spot, doesn't it? There's some good symbolism in it.

Once again, I'm getting really tempted to find someone whose willing to create an outline for future chapters, a sentence or two for the description of each chapter. I know that'd be giving up quite a bit of control of the direction my story, But as long I trust the other person, I think that'd be a good price.

But I think it might be a better idea at the moment to to see if my creative batteries recharge when I put the fic on hiatus after the fight.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Here is the next chapter. What should the terms of the match between Motoko and Tomoko be?

Motoko was heading back to the Hinata. One on hand, she was worried about Shinobu. On the other hand, the less time she spent around Tsuruko, the better. Even though Tomoko had somehow talked Tsuruko out of taking Motoko back to the Shinmei-Ryu compound, there was always a chance that Tsuruko's 's temper might change her decision, what with Keitaro's clumsiness and ability to get into unwanted positions with women.

As Motoko reached the top of the stairs, she got a feeling that she was being watched. When she left the stairs and was about ten feet away from the steps, she called out, “Who's there? Show yourselves!”

There was the sound of someone landing behind her. Motoko quickly turned around and tried to attack them with a bokken that she pulled out of her bag, but her strike was blocked. Motoko was both surprised and depressed at who it was.

“You seem to have forgotten about the lesson to be aware of both your surroundings and who you try to attack, sister...” Tsuruko said, as Motoko backed away. Tsuruko put away her bokken.

“Perhaps, but I've been distracted by recent events,” Motoko replied, putting the bokken back in her school bag. She expected Tsuruko to admonish her for that excuse. But what Tsuruko surprised her. “Excuse me but could you repeat that?”

Tsuruko sighed, but said, “I understand will and overlook this.”

“Thank you, sister. What of the situation with Shinobu's room?” Motoko asked as she and Tsuruko walked towards the Hinata.

“Nothing unusual or harmful. Merely the signs of an old house, hidden tunnels, and someone probably having insomnia,” Tsuruko answered. Spotting the angry glare on Motoko's brow, Tsuruko beat Motoko to the punch and said, “I don't think a man with a cast on his leg would go and crawl around in some tunnels, knowing it would aggravate his injuries.”

“You can't be certain, sister. You don't know him as well as I do,” Motoko grumbled, as the two entered the Hinata. “He is-”

“Someone good enough that Hina Urashima put in charge of the place. That is good enough for me,” Tsuruko quickly said, sounding annoyed. “But enough of that. Go get ready, we're going out to do something we haven't done for a long time, and that is to spend some time as sisters.”

Motoko looked like she wanted to argue, but the glare she got from Tsuruko was enough to silence her.

“Very well. It won't take me long to change,” Motoko said, sounding a bit disappointed at Tsuruko. She walked away to her room. Tsuruko shook her head a little as she remembered what Tomoko told her about what would have happened.

'Since losing a fight allowed her to grow, perhaps replicating it would be just as helpful... But perhaps I'll give Motoko a choice in who to fight? It might help Tomoko to face her past self in a duel... I'll just have to make sure that neither get too out of hand in their fight.... That is... If Motoko chooses to fight her... I might have to set things up for it to happen and with Motoko's temper, that will be easy....' Tsuruko thought. She looked down at her Hakama and frowned. “Might as well go change...”

Motoko soon came down. She abstained from her typical school uniform or kendo garb, wearing a dark blue sleeveless vest, and knee-length skirt. She looked around a little bit, called out, “Sister? Sister? Where are you?”

“Ah, I was worried that you might have decided to wear a hakama out on our trip,” Tsuruko's voice called back.

Motoko smirked as she slowly turned to face where Tsuruko was. “You say that while you're wear-”

Motoko frowned when she saw Tsuruko wearing a white tanktop and red shorts.

“What?” Tsuruko asked, smiling as she knew what Motoko was going to say.

“Let's just go....” Motoko grumbled as she started to walk away. Tsuruko followed after her.

-oOo-

Su and Tomoko had finished cleaning the hot springs and setting up a wall to separate it. As they looked around, Tomoko noted while they did a fairly good job, it wasn't up to how Keitaro's usual work.

“I think we did a good job....” Su said. She then made a banana appear in her hand and offered it to Tomoko. “Banana?”

“No thanks, you can have it,” Tomoko said, making a slight refusal gesture before silently chastising herself for not doing as good of a job as Keitaro, even with Su's help.

“Your loss,” Su replied before quickly devouring the banana. Tomoko briefly pondered the idea of asking Su to design a machine to help clean the Hot springs, but decided against it, out of fear that such a device might go out of control and keep everyone out of the hot springs, by any means possible. And knowing Su, it would probably include a lot of misses, bullets, lasers, and a self-destruct device.

“As for how we did, I believe it is passable,” Tomoko said, while walking away. “Let's go relax. It's a slight shame that a certain show won't be on for two or so years.”

“What show is that?” Su asked, following after Tomoko.

“A show called Mythbusters. It has enough explosions to keep your interests and it also tests the validity of of rumors, myths, movie scenes, adages, Internet videos, and news stories,” Tomoko said, enjoying the look of amazement on Su's face.

“Let's go watch it now!” Su cheered, jumping in the air.

“It won't be on until 2002 and that's 2 years away, like I said,” Tomoko said.

Su fell to the ground in a depressed heap.

“That's..... That's evil....” Su quietly muttered, before saying a few foul words in her native language.

“Don't worry. The years will pass quicker than you'll realize, Su,” Tomoko replied, holding out a hand for Su. Su grabbed it and stood up.

“Chances are that Kitsune would hog the TV anyways...”Su grumbled. She was brought out of her funk by Tomoko's hand on her shoulder.

“I'm certain you could think of a few ways to get her away from the TV...” Tomoko said. Seeing an evil grin appear on Su's face, Tomoko replied, “And make sure they don't involve anything that explodes or injures anyone.”

Su frowned at Tomoko.

“I know... I know.... she might deserve it for all the schemes that she put Urashima though, but let's try to be the better person, Su,” Tomoko said.

“Whatever....” Su muttered, looking down at the ground. She seemed annoyed at the thought of either not punishing Kitsune or being forced to do something mature.

“You know that we're just as guilty as she is,” Tomoko quietly said. That hit Su like a bucket of ice water.

“But she's not even trying to make up for the stuff she's done!” Su exclaimed.

“She's been a friend to both of us. Therefore, she deserves a warning and a chance to do so, doesn't she?” Tomoko asked.

“...Yeah...” Su whispered.

“I do have one question though. Why are you bothered by Kitsune hogging the Television?” Tomoko asked, hoping to lighten the mood by changing the topic.

“Some shows are better off watching wither everyone and I think the show you told me about might be one of them,” Su answered, still a bit depressed.

Not wanting to keep Su feeling blue, Tomoko leaned down and whispered, “By the way, I secretly bought some ice cream when we went out. Want to have some?”

Su cheered up instantly and nodded so fast that Tomoko wondered if Su's head was going to fly off.

“Just keep it a secret from Shinobu, got it? Tomoko asked.

“Sure!” Su answered before running off to the kitchen.

“Wait up! You don't know where I hid it!” Tomoko said, before she started to follow after Su, but Tomoko was taking her time for the purpose of annoying Su.

-oOo-


Kitsune had left the Hinata to find an easy job. She managed to find a night club that either didn't quite know of her reputation of scamming men into paying for her drinks or the management somehow planned on having her use her wiles to get people to drink more.

As she was making her way home, she thought, 'Pheh... stupid place and its stupid rules... But at least I'll have an excuse to sleep during the day....'

In the distance, she thought she spotted something familiar. Squinting, she realized that it was Motoko and she was with Tsuruko.

'What are they doing out together?' Kitsune thought. Slowly making her way towards the two sisters and trying to keep hidden from them. 'Please, oh please let it be something embarrassing for Motoko!'

Sadly for Kitsune, the time Motoko spent with Tsuruko wasn't that embarrassing enough for Kitsune to use as blackmail in the future. Most of the time, Tsuruko asked Motoko if a certain shop was good or if a certain restaurant was good. When Motoko either wasn't sure or said she only bothered with the essentials, Tsuruko took her to go in and splurge a little bit.

From what Kitsune could see, Tsuruko seemed intent on making Motoko try a variety of food that the younger Aoyama would normally admonish others for even thinking of eating. At first, it seemed like Motoko almost had to be forced, but Tsuruko seemed to use a bit of a death glare to make Motoko eat. As for the clothes, To both Motoko's and Kitsune's surprise, it seemed that most of the outfits were either cute enough to embarrass Motoko if she wore them or clothes that seemed acceptable to Motoko , but also brought out her figure.

While that did embarrass Motoko, Kitsune knew that if she did try to use it against Motoko for either favors or simply to get her to back off would backfire, as Kitsune realized that it was the kind of thing that was embarrassing at the time, but would be looked back at fondly by Motoko.

After watching them enter a hobby shop, Kitsune sighed and began to make her way home again.

'Almost kinda wish that I had a sister like Tsuruko.... Hell, I almost wish I had a sister... Naru counts... Kinda. Almost. Ah well, Maybe it's better I didn't have Tsuruko as a sister. I get the feeling she's a bit of a schemer and the only schemes I want to be a part of are mine!' Kitsune thought as she turned around a corner. She briefly stopped as a part of her mind pondered what kind of schemes Tsuruko would pull. 'If Motoko and Keitaro were an item, would Tsuruko try flirting with Keitaro, just to get a reaction outta Motoko?'

Kitsune had a small giggle at that.

'Maybe.... It's be a real riot to watch Motoko get all jealous and protective over her 'boyfriend'...' Kitsune thought, still giggling in small spurts.

-oOo-

As for the two sisters, they were heading home as well.

“I enjoyed our little outing, sister,” Tsuruko said, looking over at Motoko. “Shall we take the bus or walk home?”

“If you don't mind us resting before we head up the stairs, I don't mind walking,” Motoko replied. She was trying to hide a smile, but Tsuruko could tell that she enjoyed the time spent together.

“I take it you enjoyed our time together as well?” Tsuruko asked, as they waited at a crosswalk.

Motoko nodded, just as the light changed for them to cross the street.

“It was honestly better than I thought,” Motoko answered. Inwardly, she was not looking forward to the plan that she overheard a night ago. There was a part of her that hoped that Tsuruko might accept a refusal to train Keitaro.

“I'm glad to hear that,” Tsuruko replied. “so be sure to thank Tomoko for talking me out of my desire to bring you back to the compound.”

“Don't worry, I will,” Motoko said.

Most of the conversation was idle chit-chit about various topics, like music, movies, and the trip to Okinawa a few months back. The latter because Tsuruko was pondering a trip with her husband there.

When they finally reached the Hinata and went inside, the two passed by the dorm's telephone.

“I'm going to call someone. So go on ahead and put our bags in your room. I'll be by later to get my things,” Tsuruko said. Motoko nodded.

After Motoko left, Tsuruko picked up then phone and started to dial, only to hear from the other room the sound of the floor cracking and breaking, someone shouting “Wa-ah!”, and then the sound of someone landing on someone else.

“How.... How dare you, Urashima, you pervert!” Motoko shouted, as Tsuruko shook her head when she heard that.

'Some things never change.... But perhaps I might use this to my advantage....' Tsuruko thought, as she put the phone down and began to head over, overhearing the sounds of Motoko pushing Keitaro away from herself.

When she entered where Motoko and Keitaro were, Tsuruko took a quick look around. By Keitaro's feet was a spot where the floor had broken when he placed one of his feet and it then broke, thus making him trip and fall on Motoko.

'How odd. I wonder if there is some force that is actively creating situations where Urashima winds up looking up like a pervert?' Tsuruko thought.

By that moment, Motoko had standing up and had a bokken in her hand and was pointing it at Keitaro.

“I almost had a perfect day, but you had to ruin it! I challenge you to a-” Motoko uttered before Tsuruko pulled the bokken out of her hands. When Motoko looked at Tsuruko to demand why she had done that, there was an angry glare on Tsuruko's face. It put out Motoko's anger like a bucket of ice water puts out a campfire.

“If you were more observant, you would have noticed that the wooden floor under him, Therefore your anger at him was misguided,“Tsuruko said, sounding angry, yet calm. “And what's worse, you almost challenged someone who was injured. Perhaps you need to be punished.”

-oOoOoOo-

Author's note – A big thanks to EagleCeres and PCHeintz72.

One idea I kinda had when surfing the web. A Magic School Bus/Love Hina Crossover. Ms. Frizzle is the substitute teach for one of Su's classes. And Frizzle somehow both makes Su want to invent more, but also be far less destructive.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
Note1: Suu would not be worrying over Kitsune hogging a TV... even in this story we know she has video monitors... would not surprise me if she gets more channels than anyone in Japan...

Heck, I half expected her to try to figure out a way to receive a tv signal from the future so she could watch the show.


Note2: On Tsuruko... her thinking on getting Tomoko and Motoko to fight is flawed, or rather only one sided... she has not considered she also needs to get Tomoko to want to do the fight...

And that is on top of the already mentioned consideration that once they do, I do not think both parties would be able to hold back.


Other:
Therefore, she deserves a warnings and a chance to do so, doesn't she??
'a warnings' is bad wording.

I find it hard to believe neither spotted Kitssune...

?I enjoyed out little outing, sister,?
'out' s/b 'our'

Motoko had sstanding up and had a bokken in her hand and was pointing it at Keitaro.
'had' s/b 'was' and 'sstanding' spelled wrong.

When Motoko looked at Tsuruko to demand why she had done that, there was an angry glare on Tsuruko's face. It put out Motoko's anger like a bucket of ice water puts out a campfire.
So... was she mad Motoko made the challenge, made she pulled a bokken on the landlord, mad she did not see why he fell into her, mad that she was trying to get the landlord evicted, or mad it is ruining the plans Tsuruko and Tomoko came up with?

So many choices...
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
Good dialogues, if a bit short in some cases (mostly Motoko w/Tsuruko)

The end of that last scene could be expanded a bit to explain Tsuruko's response toward Motoko's flare up.

as for nitpicks
“You can't certain, sister. You don't know him as well as I do,"
^can't be certain

She was out of her school clothes and in a a white shirt, a dark blue sleeveless vest, and knee-length skirt
not sure if that sounds right... I'd recommend something like
She abstained from her typical school uniform or kendo garb, wearing a dark...
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Since I had some free time today, I made the changes in my last post, but to those that don't feel like going through the post, I'll just point out what I think are the major changes.

But first to reply to a few things.

As for why Kitsune went unnoticed by the sisters, Tsuruko and Motoko were enjoying themselves too much. Should I add a sentence or more to point that out? I probably should, and even write a bit or two where Kitsune had some close calls at being discovered.

And Su trying to get a tv signal from the future would be an interesting idea to write, PCHeintz72.

As for Tsuruko's thinking being flawed... Yeah, I agree with you there, so Tomoko will point that out to Tsuruko. Dunno if it should be in a polite manner or in an angry manner.


Anyways, now for the changes

---
In the Tomoko and Su chat, I added this.

“I do have one question though. Why are you bothered by Kitsune hogging the Television?” Tomoko asked, hoping to lighten the mood by changing the topic.

“Some shows are better off watching wither everyone and I think the show you told me about might be one of them,” Su answered, still a bit depressed.
At the end, I added this

“If you were more observant, you would have noticed that the wooden floor under him, Therefore your anger at him was misguided,“Tsuruko said, sounding angry, yet calm. “And what's worse, you almost challenged someone who was injured. Perhaps you need to be punished.”
But that seems off. Should I change the last sentence or two to-

"Since you seem so eager for a duel, perhaps you should fight me or your cousin. Which shall it be, sister?"
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
pretty solid, although I'd recommend a little pause for dramatic effect, like:
perhaps you should fight me... or our cousin
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I think I'll use that, EagleCeres.

Also, I'm beginning to think that I should have the omakes for my fic be in a fic dedicated to them because The 'another blade in a second' fic will be going on Hiatus in a month or two and I'm getting the urge to try my hand at a few omakes. I don't want to upset anyone that finds an message in their e-mail saying a story's been updated and they discover that only an omake and not a chapter continuing the story.

Also, I got a pm on FFN from Mz340. They pointed out that I had forgotten about Sarah. So I'm going to go with Seta somehow sensed something was off, but also felt a large amount of regret about not spending enough time with Sarah for some reason. I'm gonna go with he was somehow able to get an emotional message from his future self for some reason, probably by some Artifact that seems useless, but is secretly connected with Timetravel. So Seta had came about a week or two before Tomoko arrived to spend some time with Sarah. So Sarah gonna make an appearance in the next chapter.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Maybe it's because I moved to a new place a week ago, but This chapter is running short of my 2000 word minimum and I'm having trouble thinking of what to add. Any suggestions?

Edit - put a bit at the end where Sarah suggested that because Tomoko did not make the terms of the match, she has a bit of a right to change them.

As she was washing the dishes, Tomoko smiled as she reminisced about her second battle against Tsuruko.

'Both I and Urashima grew a little bit after that fight.', Tomoko thought. 'Such a shame he chose Naru after all the events we all went though. I guess that's the strength of determination to complete his promise But now the resolve for the promise is starting to break. How odd that a small bit of kindness has an effect...'

Tomoko had just finished washing the bowls when she heard the tell-tell sounds of Keitaro's crutch coming closer.

“Got a few minutes?” Keitaro asked as he entered the kitchen.

“Yes and I suspect you have some reservations about what my cousin has done,” Tomoko said, walking over to the table. She pulled out a chair and asked, “Shall we sit down? Our discussion might go on longer than we plan.”

“Yeah... Good idea...” Keitaro muttered as he sat down in the offered chair, feeling a bit embarrassed about it. “About what Tsuruko did...”

“As much as I disagree with what Tsuruko did, I can't back out. Motoko would take it the wrong way, and she would find out about this talk, no matter how hard we try to hide it,” Tomoko said, as she sat down in another chair. “And her attitude would get worse, wouldn't it?”

“T-That's not what I came here for!” Keitaro stuttered. Tomoko smirked a bit, as she didn't need any skill to know that Keitaro was trying to lie. “Can.... Can you take it easy on her?”

After sighing a little bit, Tomoko shook her head.

“I cannot do that either. If she were to win, it would be a stain on her honor. For example, what if after you passed your entry exam, you discovered that the proctor had taken it easier on on you?” Tomoko asked. Seeing the depressed look appear on Keitaro made Tomoko slightly want to comfort him.

“...I understand...” Keitaro quietly muttered. He looked at the table to avoid Tomoko's gaze

“Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?” Tomoko asked.

“Just don't... no... I can't think of anything...” Keitaro muttered, as he started to get up. “I need to go study in my room...”

“Do you need any help getting to your room?” Tomoko asked. Keitaro shook his head before he left the kitchen. As she stood up, she thought, 'I half-expected him to ask me that I don't hurt my past self too much. I take it that he realized that such a phrase meant that he wouldn't be supporting her as much as he wanted to.'

She smiled for a little bit.

'Well, Time to ask Su a question to learn why Sarah wasn't here when I moved in...' Tomoko thought as she left the room to seek the little inventor.

When she neared Su's door, Tomoko sensed that Sarah was inside with Su. Tomoko quietly leaned closer and put her ear near the door.

“...And that's the gist of it,” Su's voice said. Tomoko did her best to carefully open the door without the two girls noticing . Su was sitting on an office chair while Sarah was sitting on an Eero Arnio Style Egg-shaped chair.

“So let me get this straight... In the future-” Sarah replied before getting interrupted by her friend.

“Possible future. Think of a tree with many branches. We live in one branch and Tomoko came from one that we can't get to anymore,” Su explained.

“Whatever. I watched a bunch of Sci-fi and have a little bit of an idea of it. Anyways... So Motoko changed her name and came back here to save him? Bit of a 180 degree turn, considering Current Motoko gets mad anytime he looks at her,” Sara asked, idly swinging her legs a little bit.

“Yup. Think we can pair up Tomoko, Keitaro and Motoko together?” Su asked. Before Sarah could answer, a loud bang was heard. “Ah, it seems an intruder was listening in....”

“So who is it? Got a weapon you've been itching to test?” Sarah asked with a grin as Su typed away on her computer. A window popped up showing that Tomoko was outside and recovering from her facevault.

“Kinda, but it seems like Tomoko was listening in....” Su said, with a slight chuckle.

“Good timing,” Sarah replied with a similar chuckle.

When Tomoko had finished standing up, Su pressed a button and said, “Come in!”

The expression on Tomoko's face was one of embarrassment as she walked in.

“I take it you liked what you heard, eh?” Sarah asked as she turned her chair to face Tomoko.

“I'm more interested in making sure that certain events do not come to pass,” Tomoko answered in mostly neutral tone that only had the slightest traces of anger in it. After taking a breath to calm herself, she looked over at Su. “Do you have anything that can tell if I am in the right timeline?”

Su thought for a few moments.

“Yeah, a invention I created long ago when I watched some.... Science-fiction movie? Show? Whatever.... It was what started me to go and research some theories of timelines and alternate dimensions and I made a device that could tell if something is off,” Su muttered as she reached under the console and began searching for something.

“Sounds like Doctor Who or Star Trek...” Sarah muttered as Su brought out a bicycle helmet with four different antennas in a row like a mohawk.

“Here it is!” Su cheered as she handed it over to Tomoko.

“So what exactly does it do?” Tomoko asked as she looked over the helmet.

“It checks yours and the surrounding areas' Chrono signature and quantum signature,” Su answered. When she got a confused look from Tomoko, Su sighed before she started to explain. “Chrono signature tells of your place in time. A quantum signature is a unique subatomic resonance which is constant across all matter in the universe. This signature cannot be changed by any known process, and can be considered to be the basic foundation of existence. Therefore, a quantum signature can be used to tell if you come from a parallel universe.”

“Oh...”Tomoko muttered as she put on the helmet.

“Why so interested in this?” Sarah asked while Su was typing away. Privately, Sarah thought the helmet looked humorous on Tomoko.

“It involves you in a way, Sarah,” Tomoko answered. “In the original timeline, you were here and not with Seta.”

“According to papa, about a month ago as he was uncovering some artifact. When he touched it, he got a feeling of regret about not spending enough time with me,” Sarah replied with a shrug. Tomoko looked at the ground for a moment.

“Huh... does he have the artifact with him?” Tomoko asked.

“Yes, but there's a slight back log of some stuff, so he won't have it for long,” Sarah answered.

“Su, You'll have to come with me tomorrow and make sure to bring a device to see if the artifact that Seta found has any unusual properties,” Tomoko said, looking up at the inventor.

“Yup...” Su muttered. She then smiled. “Your Chrono signature fits with what you said about coming from the future. Your quantum signature fits with the surrounding area's, but I suspect that'll change as we get closer and closer to the time you left. So either you come from this universe or one so similar that it doesn't really matter from your perspective.”

“Is there any way to be more precise?” Tomoko asked. Su shook her head.

“Not with my skill and abilities at the moment,” Su replied. “Did my future self give you anything to give me?”

“No, she didn't,” Tomoko said. Su swore a little bit in Molmol-ese.

“You'd think I'd plan for this....” Su muttered in an angry grumble.

“We weren't thinking as clearly as we should have been before I went through the time portal....” Tomoko grumbled in a slightly sad tone.

Sarah frowned, not liking the depressing tone that the situation was getting.

“Hey! Are you here to sulk or are you here to kick ass?” Sarah said as she pounded the control panel.

Su smiled before saying, “Yeah, we have enough time to sulk later. Time to plan!”

As Su went back to type on her computer, Tomoko hesitantly walked towards the two girls. This did not go unnoticed by Sarah.

“What gives?” Sarah asked, as she narrowed her eyes a little bit.

“I'm worried that you might have set off either an explosion or some attack robots...” Tomoko answered in a nervous tone.

Sarah's eyes widened a bit as she thought about it.

“Oh.... Good point...” Sarah replied. She faced Su and asked, “What did I set off?”

Su was silent for a few seconds as she typed. “Only a fondue maker.”

Tomoko raised a hand before she tried to speak. After a few pointless seconds of her mouth opening and closing, she finally found her voice. “You have a fondue maker?”

Su stopped for a moment to look at Tomoko. “Yeah, what about it?”

“I guess I should be thankful that out of all the weapons, bombs, robots, whatever else you have that Sarah could have activated, it was a fondue maker...” Tomoko muttered to herself in an exasperated tone.

“I'm not that irresponsible....” Su replied, as she went back to typing.

Tomoko crossed her arms as she raised an eyebrow at Su. After a few moments, Su muttered, “Fine, I am almost that irresponsible.”

“Should you know about it, Tomoko?” Sarah asked, sounding a slight bored. “You sound like Su never brought it out..”

“Did she for you, Sarah?” Tomoko asked. Sarah thought about it before shaking her head.

“I guess no one asked me in your timeline. Not much of a shame, since I barely modified it,” Su muttered.

“We're getting offtrack. Tsuruko has gotten me into a fight against Motoko,” Tomoko said.

Sarah's eyes widened when she heard that.

“Woah... What about the 'never shall the selves meet' rule? Isn't that kinda important?” Sarah asked, sounding a little bit nervous for once.

“Future Su determined that as long as two living beings are more than 7 years apart, that rule doesn't count, if it did at all,” Tomoko answered as she stood by Su. “What are you planning?”

“Figuring out what places that would have good chances to improve Motoko and Keitaro's relationship. Why do you ask?” Su replied. Tomoko looked over at a screen showing what was going on with Motoko. She was trying to meditate in her room.

“I'll ask tomorrow. What are you going to do if Motoko asks you for help?” Tomoko asked.


“Try my best to get her to back off by appealing to her sense of pride, “ Su answered. “Or claim that I'm too busy...”

“Or ask how Tsuruko would feel about it,” Sarah remarked with a mischievous grin.

“How...” Tomoko asked before Su waved a hand in a dismissive way.

“I'm a fast explainer,” Su replied. “So you want some training gear?”

“No, I'll just review some videos. That should be enough,” Tomoko muttered.

Su shrugged.

“So what are the terms of the fight?” Su asked. Tomoko told her. Su sighed. “Y'know, because you didn't agree to it in the first place, you can alter the terms if you still want to fight.

Tomoko rubbed her chin in thought for a moment. “I think I will. I just have to figure out what should I change it to?”

“Why not have Motoko become Keitaro's retainer if she loses? If she wins, let nothing change. If she disagrees with it, point out the conditions of when she fought Keitaro,” Sarah said as she leaned back in the egg chair.

Tomoko nodded. “I like it, but I'll need to think about it for a little bit, just to make sure.”

She then gave Sarah an slightly angry look.

“What?” Sarah asked.

“You are going to keep who I really am a secret, aren't you?” Tomoko asked.

“”Sure, why not? It'll make watching everyone else's actions towards you more amusing,” Sarah answered with a smirk.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Should I skip to the beginning of the fight for the next chapter? I'm coming up with blanks otherwise and I'm afraid if I force my brainstorming, I'll come up with more filler chapters.
 

chronodekar

Obsessively signs his posts
Staff member
HotelKatz said:
Should I skip to the beginning of the fight for the next chapter? I'm coming up with blanks otherwise and I'm afraid if I force my brainstorming, I'll come up with more filler chapters.
Only reason I'm staying out of the current discussion is because I've missed out on the last few chapters and haven't got the time to sit and catch up.... :(

-chronodekar
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
what chapter did you last read? I might be able to provide a brief summary for the events after it, if you want.
 
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