Akamatsuverse Another blade in a second

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
HotelKatz said:
Should I skip to the beginning of the fight for the next chapter? I'm coming up with blanks otherwise and I'm afraid if I force my brainstorming, I'll come up with more filler chapters.
Can't really comment on that, it's your baby... let your ideas flow.

Although I get a certain vibe that you're trying to avoid a mid-fight "what happened this morning/last night/before the fight..." flashback. It's a valid literary tool, just very hard to pull off.

As for the other hina girls, Naru and Kitsune in particular, are they aware of the fight? what is their take on it? are they backing their resident kendo mistress or keeping out of "Aoyama Family Business" now that the Elder sister is around.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Yeah, I'm trying to avoid that. Never did like it whenever it happens most of the time and I suspect that I would be bad at trying to pull it off.

At the moment, I'm considering the beginning of the next chapter be where Tomoko offers to renegotiate the terms of the duel with Motoko and then a time skip to the duel, with a brief summary of what happened during the time skip.

As for the other girls....

If the terms of the duel still involve Motoko going back to the Aoyama compound, then Su would do anything she can to make sure that Motoko still stays at the Hinata. Sarah would help her out because she feels like it.

Shinobu would cheer for Motoko to win, probably because she still sees the hinata tenants as Family.

Kitsune.... I dunno... She supports Motoko, but I'm not sure how to write her in this situation. My first impulse was for her to offer to fix things in Motoko's favor, but I realized that Kitsune would know that Motoko would reject it.

Haruka's staying out of it like always. Keitaro has no idea what to do and it's bothering him.

As for Naru, she has no idea what's going on.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
To the surprise of no one at all, I'm going to make Tomoko win the fight with Motoko.

One thing I'm thinking about doing is letting Keitaro go on that trip with Seta, but someone else will come along to prevent Keitaro from turning into Seta 2.0.

Should it be Tomoko, who does not have anything keeping her from going on the trip? Or should it be Motoko, who'll be a retainer to Keitaro and might be showing some affection towards Keitaro in public by that time?

And no, having them both go is not an option. Maybe in the omakes, however.
 

EagleCeres

Well-Known Member
HotelKatz said:
To the surprise of no one at all, I'm going to make Tomoko win the fight with Motoko.

One thing I'm thinking about doing is letting Keitaro go on that trip with Seta, but someone else will come along to prevent Keitaro from turning into Seta 2.0.

Should it be Tomoko, who does not have anything keeping her from going on the trip? Or should it be Motoko, who'll be a retainer to Keitaro and might be showing some affection towards Keitaro in public by that time?

And no, having them both go is not an option. Maybe in the omakes, however.
I'd easily say Tomoko would go, as she has nothing really keeping her in Hinata Sou other than Kei, and since Tsuruko knows the truth she doesn't have to "report in" with the Aoyama's. If anything she'd just need the paperwork to go overseas, and a public reason to follow Kei (therefore avoiding Seta2.0 ever happening).

In the case that Motoko went, she'd need the OK from her parents (or at least Tsuruko as current head of the clan) along with something to ensure that her senior year of High School isn't forfeit due to attendance issues (and that's not getting into her failing her first try at Toudai).
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
One idea I got for a plotline is that Naru goes into the Hinata tunnels to get away from from Tomoko and the others because of the wedge between her and Keitaro and she discovers the Hinata blade. After she get possessed and travels through the tunnels, The Hinata sword manages to gain enough time for the ability to think things clearly a little bit. So it decides to drain energy from Shinobu, Su, Kitsune, Sarah, Keitaro, and Haruka before taking on the Aoyamas.

When the possessed Naru does take on the Aoyamas, she somehow is able to animate the bodies of those she's drained the energy of, but they don't use their abilities or skills. All they are is puppets and hostages. As for why the Hinata blade can do this, maybe Naru was kind of willing to be possessed as long as Tomoko and/or Motoko was driven away from Keitaro?

I'm tempted to make it a bit of a mystery, where it starts off with Naru going into the tunnels to escape and then at the end of the chapter, Shinobu is found comatose, but alive.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
HotelKatz said:
One idea I got for a plotline is that Naru goes into the Hinata tunnels to get away from from Tomoko and the others because of the wedge between her and Keitaro and she discovers the Hinata blade. After she get possessed and travels through the tunnels, The Hinata sword manages to gain enough time for the ability to think things clearly a little bit. So it decides to drain energy from Shinobu, Su, Kitsune, Sarah, Keitaro, and Haruka before taking on the Aoyamas.

When the possessed Naru does take on the Aoyamas, she somehow is able to animate the bodies of those she's drained the energy of, but they don't use their abilities or skills. All they are is puppets and hostages. As for why the Hinata blade can do this, maybe Naru was kind of willing to be possessed as long as Tomoko and/or Motoko was driven away from Keitaro?

I'm tempted to make it a bit of a mystery, where it starts off with Naru going into the tunnels to escape and then at the end of the chapter, Shinobu is found comatose, but alive.
Ugh... sorry, that sounds dreadful to me... and seems to be more a splitting off of the real plotline. Tomoko especially would be able to upon confrontation know of what it is and how to defeat, since she has seen it before.... I cannot think even a possessed and empowered Naru a real threat to 3 Aoyama's.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Yeah, I kinda agree with a possessed Naru having no hope of being a threat, now that you pointed it out.

The only chance she has is with the whole puppets/hostage bit.

So either the 'possessed naru' idea needs to be re-worked into something better, get tossed into a story on its own where the reader gets to decide if it happens in the main storyline, or get tossed away and forgotten.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Alright. Here is what I have for the next chapter. I apologize for the cliffhanger, but last week was kinda sucky and draining on my storywriting mental batteries. So I'm not putting this up at FFN until I finish the fight. So if anyone has any suggestions, I'm listening.


In her room, Motoko was trying to meditate to gather her will for the fight coming up when she heard someone knock.

“Who is it” Motoko called out as she opened one eye.

“It is Tomoko. Tsuruko put out terms for our fight that I don't agree with, so I wish to renegotiate them with you, “Tomoko's voice replied. Motoko smiled, as it seemed like a little bit of hope appeared in front of her.

“Then come in,” Motoko said, as she began to stand up. After Tomoko entered the room ad closed the door, Motoko asked, “So you don't agree with her terms, but you still wish to fight?”

Tomoko nodded.

“Yes. As for my terms-” Tomoko said before getting interrupted by Motoko raising her hand to interrupt.

“Wait. I want to know your reasons first,” Motoko said.

“My reasons are my own. Depending on how this conversation goes, I might share them,” Tomoko replied.

“If you're not willing to tell me then, why should I listen?” Motoko asked with a glare.

“Simple. My terms would involve you staying here, regardless of who wins,” Tomoko answered with a smirk.

Motoko gritted her teeth and she briefly thought about what Tomoko said. On one hand, she did not want to leave. On the other hand, the offer seemed too good to be true.

“Very well. I'll listen to your terms,” Motoko muttered. Tomoko resisted the urge to smirk.

“Instead of going back and facing whatever Tsuruko might want to do to you if you should lose, become Mr. Urashima's retainer until I say otherwise,” Tomoko explained. It didn't surprise Tomoko that Motoko's face turned red. 'I wonder if it's mostly from either rage, embarrassment, or lust?'

“Be-Be-Become that pervert's retainer? He'll abuse whatever rights he'll have over me!” Motoko exclaimed, even stomping a little bit. Tomoko shook her head.

“No, he's a coward, yet also a gentlemen. Most, if not all of the situations he gets into are either because of his clumsiness, Kitsune, or possibly the spirit of the Hinata Inn deciding to play matchmaker,” Tomoko replied, crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes a bit. “I'll leave you to decide if you should accept my terms. If either you refuse or if you can't decide before the match begins, we'll use the terms Tsuruko set.”

“I thank you for giving me time to think about what terms I should go with. Now tell me your reasons why you still wish to fight,” Motoko said, trying to match Tomoko's glare with one of her own.

“Simple, because I want to make a difference,” Tomoko said. There was something in Tomoko's tone that gave Motoko pause. There was a mix of anger, saddness, a tinge of despair, and... hope?

“How does it pertain to me?” Motoko asked. She had a feeling that she was now treading on dangerous ground for some reason.

“That.... is on a need to know basis and I do not think you need to know,” Tomoko said as she started to leave

“We aren't done here!” Motoko said. Before she could take a step forward, Tomoko shot a glare that froze Motoko in her steps.

“I'm leaving the room because I do not wish to see what Tsuruko would think of us arguing in your room would be,” Tomoko uttered before leaving the room

'I don't want to leave here, I don't want to be Urashima's retainer, but I also don't want to face whatever Tsuruko has cooked up for me if I were to head back to Kyoto...' Motoko thought as she walked over to a wall and sat down besides the window. 'Might as well decide what loss is preferable...'

-oOo-

Tomoko let out a sigh when she was walking down the stairs.

'Just what is it about my past self that aggravates me? I nearly yelled at her at the end,'
Tomoko thought.

-oOo-

The next day had a slight air of tension whenever Tomoko or Motoko were nearby. As did the partial day after that.

Motoko entered Su's room to eat lunch. When Su asked why, Motoko refused to answer at first, but eventually said that she was worried that she might get sent back to Kyoto. Su had a gut feeling that trying to comfort Motoko by telling her to accept Tomoko's deal would backfire in so many ways, Especially since Su had a small hand in crafting the terms for Tomoko. So Su let Motoko stay in her room for lunch.

As for how she acted with the others, Motoko seemed as if a touch more closed off than usual, except for two people. She seemed to leave the room whenever Tomoko or Tsuruko were about to come into the room or if they were already in the room. Even though Tsuruko hid it quite well, Su and Kitsune were able to notice that it bothered her. It had to be pointed out to Sarah. Keitaro had a feeling that something was off, but wasn't able to figure out what it was.

Tomoko seemed to grow more annoyed at Motoko's actions as time went on. Enough so that Tsuruko spoke with her about it.

-oOo-

After dragging Tomoko to a guest room, Tsuruko asked, “Are you going to keep your temper in check?”

Tomoko bristled for a moment. “Of course I am! What are you insinuating?”

“That you being near Motoko is either wearing down your self-control or proving that you severely misjudged yourself,” Tsuruko replied. Tomoko took a step back in either shock or anger, Tsuruko couldn't really tell. Then Tomoko closed her eyes and began to take deep breaths 'Seems like it was anger. I should probably congratulate her on being able to recognize and stop herself when she was about to have an angry outburst, but now is not the time.'

When Tomoko seemed to have calmed down a bit, she opened her eyes and said, “It is difficult to stay calm when I've misjudged myself.”

“Which one?” Tsuruko whispered.

“The same one you referred to,” Tomoko whispered back with a smirk.

Tsuruko's angry expression cooled down to an annoyed one as she muttered, “Very funny. Now are you going to keep calm or will I have to bring you your meals until the duel is over?”

“I'll try, but are you going to ask the same to Motoko?” Tomoko asked. Tsuruko very briefly looked like someone punched her in the gut.

“I'll ask Ms. Konno to ask that,” Tsuruko answered.

“You demand that I act like an adult, but here you are, refusing to face someone throwing a fit,” Tomoko muttered with some anger in her voice.

“I'm trying to avoid her losing her temper,” Tsuruko said, with her annoyed tone returning.

“She's going to lose her temper no matter what you do. The only question is will it be at your before the match or at me during it?” Tomoko asked with a bit more anger.

“Unfortunately, it has to be the latter. f I had more time, I'd plan out a better way for all of us,” Tsuruko answered.

Tomoko opened her mouth before closing it. She took a few more deep breaths before saying, “I'll come out for dinner. I need to meditate.”

Sensing that she might have screwed up, Tsuruko left the room, but not before saying, “Very well.”

-oOo-

After everyone else went to bed, Tomoko knocked at Keitaro's door.

“Mr. Urashima, I need to speak with you,” Tomoko said in a hushed voice as she knocked.

“What is it?” Keitaro answered. His tone let her know that he had been moments away from falling asleep.

“It's about some of the terms of the match between Motoko and myself. I wish to come into your room if I'm allowed,” Tomoko replied.

Keitaro sighed for a moment before muttering, “Fine,come in...”

Tomoko did so.

“I felt that Tsuruko's terms were too harsh, so I offered Motoko an alternate one. She's still deciding if she should accept it or not.” Tomoko explained. “As for what my terms are... If she wins, the term is the same as Tsuruko's. If she loses, she becomes your retainer until I say otherwise.”

“You didn't even consult me when you asked her about it!” Keitaro grumbled.

“Mr. Urashima, I apologize, but you should understand my reasoning, As you know, Motoko is the Heir to the Shinmei-Ryu compound. To the Aoyama elders, you are pretty much the heir to the Hinata grounds. If Tsuruko brought Motoko back, Motoko could wind up having her name taken off the clan roster and banished from her home. At least with what I did, All that would happen is that Motoko is your servant in name only and everything goes on like nothing happened,” Tomoko explained. Keitaro covered his face with a hand.

“Motoko's gonna kill me if she accepts your offer and loses....” Keitaro muttered. He put his hand down and asked, “So in the event that she accepts your offer and loses, does it mean that you'll free her after a few days?”

Tomoko shook her head.

“There are some on the Aoyama council that would use it to try and remove Motoko from being the heir. Ask Granny Hina about Kameyo Aoyama sometime. That'll probably be one of the few times you'll hear Hina rant about something in an angry manner. As for how long, Maybe a year or two,” Tomoko answered.

“Does Motoko know about when you plan on releasing her?” Keitaro asked, starting to get very annoyed, both at Tomoko's actions and because he wanted to go to sleep.

“I'll tell her during the match if she accepts my terms,” Tomoko answered.

“Make sure you do,” Keitaro replied.

“Good night, Mr. Urashima,” Tomoko said as she left.

“Good night,” Keitaro muttered.

-oOo-

A little bit before two days had passed since Tsuruko gave Motoko an ultimatum passed. Tomoko had went to to the area behind the Hinata and Tsuruko looked for Motoko. Fortunately, the latter was in her room, but was very anxious. Motoko was shaken out of her thoughts when a knock was heard at her door.

“Sister, it is time for the match,” Tsuruko's voice said. She almost sounded like she just very slightly regretted what she had done a few days before. Forcing a duel to protect someone she just met. Before she could even begin to start ruminating on it, Motoko opened the door and Tsuruko asked.

“Very well, I'll follow you to wherever I'm supposed to duel Tomoko,” Motoko replied, trying to sound emotionless, but failing.

“It will be behind the inn. You could have asked where earlier,” Tsuruko replied as she began to head to the back.

“I was busy meditating,” Motoko said, as a trace of... Hurt? Annoyance? Anger? Whatever it was, it entered Motoko's tone and it seemed that Tsuruko's actions were involved with with it somehow.

When the two sisters reached the backyard, they saw that Tomoko was there. Motoko narrowed her eyes at Tomoko, who was wearing gray sweatpants and a white tanktop.

When Motoko and Tsuruko gotten to here Tomoko was, Motoko quickly looked around. She saw that Su and the others were high up on the balcony, overlooking the three Aoyamas.

“Why are they there?” Motoko asked Tsuruko.

“Su wanted them there and wouldn't take no for an answer,” Tsuruko answered.

Motoko nodded before looking over at Tomoko and saying, “I accept your terms.”

“Very well,” Tomoko replied with a slight smile. Tsuruko was confused at what the two were talking about.

“What are you two talking about?” Tsuruko asked.

“Since I was the one going to be fighting her without my consent at first, I offered an alternate set of terms. The only difference was that if she loses, she becomes Mr. Urashima's retainer,” Tomoko answered with a smirk. Tsuruko frowned and looked over at Motoko.

“And you really decided to accept it?” Tsuruko asked.

Motoko nodded before saying, “Now leave the area, sister. I have a duel to win.”

Tsuruko walked some distance away. She then watched both Tomoko and Motoko pull out bokken. Once both were ready, Tsuruko yelled, “Begin!”

Motoko came in with an overhead strike, but Tomoko blocked it.

“Why are you wearing that, instead of a hakama?” Motoko asked in an annoyed tone.

“Because the color gray bothers you. I have a good idea why, too...” Tomoko replied, as she and Motoko backed away from each other.

“While you're right that I dislike the color, I doubt that you can even guess why...” Motoko muttered before frowning and coming in with a strike aimed at Tomoko's side.

“It's neither white nor black, but is both and that reminds you of things that are neither right nor wrong, but are a mix of both,” Tomoko replied as she blocked the attack.

“Maybe you're right, maybe I just don't like the color. Su doesn't like it either, and neither does my sister. I doubt your explanation applies to them,” Motoko quickly said, as she hopped back before coming in with a thrust. To her annoyance, Tomoko parried it.

“Struck a nerve, have I?” Tomoko asked, as Motoko hopped back again.

“You think you know better. All you are is someone that deludes yourself into a fantasy where you're helping others, but in reality, you're merely causing more problems! You insert yourself in places where you're not needed! When someone else said something, you decided to get angry with me, instead of them!” Motoko said, hoping to goad Tomoko into exposing herself through anger. “You are nothing more than a annoyance that needs to grow up.”

“Apparently, I am...” Tomoko said with a sly smile. Motoko growled a little, seeing her taunt had no effect.

After a few seconds of nothing happening, Motoko asked “Aren't you going to attack?”

“I feel like being generous, so I'll only start attacking once you gotten a hit in,” Tomoko answered with a smug grin. Motoko growled again.

“You dare to mock me like that!?” Motoko loudly said, as she launched the Zanganken Ni-no-Tachi on a boulder behind Tomoko. She hoped that Tomoko would be momentarily distracted by the sound of something breaking behind her. Even though a boulder was broken in two, Tomoko's attention was still on Motoko.

“Losing sight of your target already?” Tomoko asked in a mocking tone.

“I could ask you the same thing. We're supposed to be dueling each other, but all you are doing is taunting me!” Motoko angrily answered as she launched a Hyakka Ryōran. A wave of Ki and petals flew towards Tomoko, who avoided it by simply leaping off to the side.

“And yet I'm winning...” Tomoko muttered as she dodged a second Hyakka Ryōran.

“I should have hit you at least once! Somehow Urashima sabotaged my training by simply being nearby! He deserves to die a painful death!” Motoko growled as she was about to launce another Hyakka Ryōran when she felt a wave of killing intent coming from Tomoko.

Tomoko looked down as her hands trembled a little. She began to take deep breaths as her grip on the bokken increased. Motoko briefly thought about how her last statement angered Tomoko before realizing that Tomoko's defense was open. She quickly launched a third Hyakka Ryōran, hoping that she might knock out Tomoko Alas, Tomoko launched one of her own to counter it. However, Tomoko's Hyakka Ryōran destroyed Motoko's and Motoko was barely able to dodge.

“Tomoko, calm down!” Tsuruko ordered as she placed a hand on her own bokken, ready to attack if Tomoko tried to kill Motoko.

The killing intent quickly shrank as Tomoko looked up. An evil smile baring her teeth was on Tomoko's face. Her eyes were blank and seemed to glow, as if seeking out any and all weaknesses in front of her.

“Don't worry, I won't kill her. I'm only going to punish her...” Tomoko said, before giving off a dark chuckle that sent shivers down Motoko's spine.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
I've been busy, so no time to really read for errors, but a couple things

1. was the statement Motoko made as Tomoko left her room audible or to self... cannot tell as it starts with a double parenthesis, and ends in a single.

2. Would have liked Tsurukos or even some of the other watchers reactions to some of the statements being thrown around in that fight, at a minimum, win or lose I expect some fallout from Tsuroko telling of Motoko for some of those comments.

I'm not convinced Tsuruko and Tomoko are going about all this the right way though too late to stop now, kind of like a train wreck in process, I'm half expecting this to fall apart on them eventually.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
1.) It was supposed to be a thought. I made the correction.

2.) Yeah, I think I'll write their reactions later on this week when I continue the fight.

3.) Now that I had some more time to sleep, I realize that the fight and the terms does have a good chance at backfiring for both Tsuruko and Tomoko. The possible storyline that deals with it would have these ingredients -

From Tsuruko's and Tomoko's perspective - they set up a situation where Motoko will spend time with the one she has a crush on.

From Motoko's perspective - She's been made a servant to a pervert, all because of a relative that's been on sabbatical whose come back.

Tomoko's perspective after a few days - realizes what her younger self's perspective is and now has to find a way to handle and/or fix the mess she's gotten them all in.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
HotelKatz said:
1.) It was supposed to be a thought. I made the correction.

2.) Yeah, I think I'll write their reactions later on this week when I continue the fight.

3.) Now that I had some more time to sleep, I realize that the fight and the terms does have a good chance at backfiring for both Tsuruko and Tomoko. The possible storyline that deals with it would have these ingredients -

From Tsuruko's and Tomoko's perspective - they set up a situation where Motoko will spend time with the one she has a crush on.

From Motoko's perspective - She's been made a servant to a pervert, all because of a relative that's been on sabbatical whose come back.

Tomoko's perspective after a few days - realizes what her younger self's perspective is and now has to find a way to handle and/or fix the mess she's gotten them all in.
You forgot potentially the most important view of all... Keitaro... the view of the very one they are attempting to, at least in the long term, save.

It is not a matter of Motoko hurting or Killing him that is really the issue, as if told specifically she cannot, then she probably would not, though she would still irrationally fear him even if he could not possibly hurt her...

No... the issue is Tomoko especially, and Tsuruko to a lesser extent, with their slowly eroding standing with Keitaro, may have once this goes through torpedoed what remains in regards to any built up esteem or trust either may have.

They may be interfering with the best of intentions, but quite simply he does not know that. All he sees is two tormenting relatives Motoko does not seem to be getting along with whome are manipulating her and him into situations neither directly wants...

This long term could go over well.. but I cannot help but see at least in shirt term their standing with him suffer over this latest fiasco.

They will probably need to do something mid term to turn this around before he is actually forced to act against him...

Quite simply, it will be very hard to save someone actively resisting the efforts to save him.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
It kind of seems like I've written Tomoko and Tsuruko into a problem they can't escape or solve.

Anyone have any ideas for how I can fix this? Even if it means re-writing the chapter for it, I'll use the idea, but only if it's a good idea.

Edit - Now that I had more time to sleep on it, I probably should write a part where Tomoko explains what her terms of the duel are to Keitaro. Then there's the really hard part of her explaining it to him in a way where he very reluctantly agrees.

Edit on october 29th : Because I'm coming up with blanks for everything except little gags, I'm seriously considering turning over the plotting of the story to you guys. I trust you that much.

Edit on November 3rd -

Here is the chapter. The ending needs a lot of work, but I don't know how to improve it.

Edit on November 5- here is the corrected version

In her room, Motoko was trying to meditate to gather her will for the fight coming up when she heard someone knock.

“Who is it” Motoko called out as she opened one eye.

“It is Tomoko. Tsuruko put out terms for our fight that I don't agree with, so I wish to renegotiate them with you, “Tomoko's voice replied. Motoko smiled, as it seemed like a little bit of hope appeared in front of her.

“Then come in,” Motoko said, as she began to stand up. After Tomoko entered the room ad closed the door, Motoko asked, “So you don't agree with her terms, but you still wish to fight?”

Tomoko nodded.

“Yes. As for my terms-” Tomoko said before getting interrupted by Motoko raising her hand to interrupt.

“Wait. I want to know your reasons first,” Motoko said.

“My reasons are my own. Depending on how this conversation goes, I might share them,” Tomoko replied.

“If you're not willing to tell me then, why should I listen?” Motoko asked with a glare.

“Simple. My terms would involve you staying here, regardless of who wins,” Tomoko answered with a smirk.

Motoko gritted her teeth and she briefly thought about what Tomoko said. On one hand, she did not want to leave. On the other hand, the offer seemed too good to be true.

“Very well. I'll listen to your terms,” Motoko muttered. Tomoko resisted the urge to smirk.

“Instead of going back and facing whatever Tsuruko might want to do to you if you should lose, become Mr. Urashima's retainer until I say otherwise,” Tomoko explained. It didn't surprise Tomoko that Motoko's face turned red. 'I wonder if it's mostly from either rage, embarrassment, or lust?'

“Be-Be-Become that pervert's retainer? He'll abuse whatever rights he'll have over me!” Motoko exclaimed, even stomping a little bit. Tomoko shook her head.

“No, he's a coward, yet also a gentlemen. Most, if not all of the situations he gets into are either because of his clumsiness, Kitsune, or possibly the spirit of the Hinata Inn deciding to play matchmaker,” Tomoko replied, crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes a bit. “I'll leave you to decide if you should accept my terms. If either you refuse or if you can't decide before the match begins, we'll use the terms Tsuruko set.”

“I thank you for giving me time to think about what terms I should go with. Now tell me your reasons why you still wish to fight,” Motoko said, trying to match Tomoko's glare with one of her own.

“Simple, because I want to make a difference,” Tomoko said. There was something in Tomoko's tone that gave Motoko pause. There was a mix of anger, saddness, a tinge of despair, and... hope?

“How does it pertain to me?” Motoko asked. She had a feeling that she was now treading on dangerous ground for some reason.

“That.... is on a need to know basis and I do not think you need to know,” Tomoko said as she started to leave

“We aren't done here!” Motoko said. Before she could take a step forward, Tomoko shot a glare that froze Motoko in her steps.

“I'm leaving the room because I do not wish to see what Tsuruko would think of us arguing in your room would be,” Tomoko uttered before leaving the room

'I don't want to leave here, I don't want to be Urashima's retainer, but I also don't want to face whatever Tsuruko has cooked up for me if I were to head back to Kyoto...' Motoko thought as she walked over to a wall and sat down besides the window. 'Might as well decide what loss is preferable...'

-oOo-

Tomoko let out a sigh when she was walking down the stairs.

'Just what is it about my past self that aggravates me? I nearly yelled at her at the end,' Tomoko thought.

-oOo-

The next day had a slight air of tension whenever Tomoko or Motoko were nearby. As did the partial day after that.

Motoko entered Su's room to eat lunch. When Su asked why, Motoko refused to answer at first, but eventually said that she was worried that she might get sent back to Kyoto. Su had a gut feeling that trying to comfort Motoko by telling her to accept Tomoko's deal would backfire in so many ways, Especially since Su had a small hand in crafting the terms for Tomoko. So Su let Motoko stay in her room for lunch.

As for how she acted with the others, Motoko seemed as if a touch more closed off than usual, except for two people. She seemed to leave the room whenever Tomoko or Tsuruko were about to come into the room or if they were already in the room. Even though Tsuruko hid it quite well, Su and Kitsune were able to notice that it bothered her. It had to be pointed out to Sarah. Keitaro had a feeling that something was off, but wasn't able to figure out what it was.

Tomoko seemed to grow more annoyed at Motoko's actions as time went on. Enough so that Tsuruko spoke with her about it.

-oOo-

After dragging Tomoko to a guest room, Tsuruko asked, “Are you going to keep your temper in check?”

Tomoko bristled for a moment. “Of course I am! What are you insinuating?”

“That you being near Motoko is either wearing down your self-control or proving that you severely misjudged yourself,” Tsuruko replied. Tomoko took a step back in either shock or anger, Tsuruko couldn't really tell. Then Tomoko closed her eyes and began to take deep breaths 'Seems like it was anger. I should probably congratulate her on being able to recognize and stop herself when she was about to have an angry outburst, but now is not the time.'

When Tomoko seemed to have calmed down a bit, she opened her eyes and said, “It is difficult to stay calm when I've misjudged myself.”

“Which one?” Tsuruko whispered.

“The same one you referred to,” Tomoko whispered back with a smirk.

Tsuruko's angry expression cooled down to an annoyed one as she muttered, “Very funny. Now are you going to keep calm or will I have to bring you your meals until the duel is over?”

“I'll try, but are you going to ask the same to Motoko?” Tomoko asked. Tsuruko very briefly looked like someone punched her in the gut.

“I'll ask Ms. Konno to ask that,” Tsuruko answered.

“You demand that I act like an adult, but here you are, refusing to face someone throwing a fit,” Tomoko muttered with some anger in her voice.

“I'm trying to avoid her losing her temper,” Tsuruko said, with her annoyed tone returning.

“She's going to lose her temper no matter what you do. The only question is will it be at you before the match or at me during it?” Tomoko asked with a bit more anger.

“Unfortunately, it has to be the latter. If I had more time, I'd plan out a better way for all of us,” Tsuruko answered.

Tomoko opened her mouth before closing it. She took a few more deep breaths before saying, “I'll come out for dinner. I need to meditate.”

Sensing that she might have screwed up, Tsuruko left the room, but not before saying, “Very well.”

-oOo-

After everyone else went to bed, Tomoko knocked at Keitaro's door.

“Mr. Urashima, I need to speak with you,” Tomoko said in a hushed voice as she knocked.

“What is it?” Keitaro answered. His tone let her know that he had been moments away from falling asleep.

“It's about some of the terms of the match between Motoko and myself. I wish to come into your room if I'm allowed,” Tomoko replied.

Keitaro sighed for a moment before muttering, “Fine,come in...”

Tomoko did so.

“I felt that Tsuruko's terms were too harsh, so I offered Motoko an alternate one. She's still deciding if she should accept it or not.” Tomoko explained. “As for what my terms are... If she wins, the term is the same as Tsuruko's. If she loses, she becomes your retainer until I say otherwise.”

“You didn't even consult me when you asked her about it!” Keitaro grumbled.

“Mr. Urashima, I apologize, but you should understand my reasoning, As you know, Motoko is the Heir to the Shinmei-Ryu compound. To the Aoyama elders, you are pretty much the heir to the Hinata grounds. If Tsuruko brought Motoko back, Motoko could wind up having her name taken off the clan roster and banished from her home. At least with what I did, All that would happen is that Motoko is your servant in name only and everything goes on like nothing happened,” Tomoko explained. Keitaro covered his face with a hand.

“Motoko's gonna kill me if she accepts your offer and loses....” Keitaro muttered. He put his hand down and asked, “So in the event that she accepts your offer and loses, does it mean that you'll free her after a few days?”

Tomoko shook her head.

“There are some on the Aoyama council that would use it to try and remove Motoko from being the heir. Ask Granny Hina about Kameyo Aoyama sometime. That'll probably be one of the few times you'll hear Hina rant about something in an angry manner. As for how long, Maybe a year or two,” Tomoko answered.

“Does Motoko know about when you plan on releasing her?” Keitaro asked, starting to get very annoyed, both at Tomoko's actions and because he wanted to go to sleep.

“I'll tell her during the match if she accepts my terms,” Tomoko answered.

“Make sure you do,” Keitaro replied.

“Good night, Mr. Urashima,” Tomoko said as she left.

“Good night,” Keitaro muttered.

-oOo-

While closing up for the night, Haruka was looking over the kitchen inventory when she heard a knock. Hoping it was Keitaro, Haruka stepped out of the kitchen and was disappointed that it was Haruka.

“May I come in?” Tsuruko asked.

“We're closed,” Haruka answered as she reached for the curtain to cover the door's window.

“I need to vent a bit at how I made a mess with my younger sister,” Tsuruko answered, making Haruka pause.

Haruka sighed before unlocking the door and saying, “I'm not doing so hot with Keitaro... Might as well vent to each other...”

Tsuruko stepped in and Haruka lead her to the counter.

“Don't expect anything special, I'm just going to brew up a small pot of tea,” Haruka said as she began to do as she said.

“Very well,” Tsuruko replied. “who shall 'vent' first?”

“I'll let you go first,” Haruka said, seemingly concentrating more on the teapot.

“I think that I either haven't done enough to help curb my sister's temper or have gone about it the wrong way,” Tsuruko muttered.

“How so?” Haruka asked.

“She threatened her landlord when he tripped and fell on her because the floor broke under him,” Tsuruko answered.

“What happened next?” Haruka asked, just as the teapot whistled.

“I.... forced a duel on my sister. She had a choice of either fighting me or our cousin,” Tsuruko answered. She wasn't sure if Haruka knew of Tomoko's secret, but she wasn't going to reveal it if she didn't.

“First time you've met with your sister in a long time and you force a duel on her within seconds... Yeesh...” Haruka muttered as she poured some tea out for herself and Tsuruko.

“It happened after we spent some time out shopping, Haruka,” Tsuruko said with a glare. “Now what about your problem with Keitaro?”

“He came to me, asking if it was right to let the girls hit him. Then he asked me to imagine something..... I don't feel like talking about the rest,” Haruka explained, before drinking some of her tea.

“While I wish that you would, I won't pry,” Tsuruko commented, before taking a sip of tea. “It seems like we both neglected our relatives and are now paying the price...”

“Eh, I say just give it time and things will get back to normal,” Haruka replied.

“Maybe, maybe not. While I don't doubt that time heals all, simply ignoring the problem will only make thigns worse. Do you have any plans for when Keitaro is calmed down?” Tsuruko asked.

“I'll think of something when the time comes. What about you?” Haruka asked back. Tsuruko shook her head a little bit.

“Try to reconnect with Motoko, let her know that I'm not abandoning her,” Tsuruko answered.

“Doesn't sound like much of a plan, if you ask me...” Haruka muttered under her breath. Tsuruko narrowed her eyes a bit in anger.

“Perhaps, but at least it is one,” Tsuruko said, after finishing her tea.

“Who asked you? Besides, what would you do in my place?” Haruka angrily asked as she hit the counter.

“Let the tenants know that I'm supporting his decisions?” Tsuruko asked back.

“Big talk from someone that let her sister run away...” Haruka muttered, thinking she had the upper hand.

“Granny Hina had a hand in that. She claimed that she knew a way to help Motoko. Had I known that it involved letting Motoko attack Keitaro, I never would have gone along with the plan,” Tsuruko replied.

“So what? Are you going to take your sister away from here?” Haruka asked, resisting the urge to try and throw Tsuruko out. Haruka didn't want to risk ruining her teashop from any possible fights.

“If Motoko loses the duel in a few days, perhaps.” Tsuruko commented.

“And you're acting like I'm the irresponsible one...” Haruka said, as she took the empty tea cups away. “Anyways, I'm getting tired. So unless you have something really important to talk about, I'm closing up for the night.”

“So, I'm going to bed. Good night,” Tsuruko said before she left.

As Haruka tried to sleep that night, she wondered if she screwed up big time with Keitaro.

-oOo-

A little bit before two days had passed since Tsuruko gave Motoko an ultimatum passed. Tomoko had went to to the area behind the Hinata and Tsuruko looked for Motoko. Fortunately, the latter was in her room, but was very anxious. Motoko was shaken out of her thoughts when a knock was heard at her door.

“Sister, it is time for the match,” Tsuruko's voice said. She almost sounded like she just very slightly regretted what she had done a few days before. Forcing a duel to protect someone she just met. Before she could even begin to start ruminating on it, Motoko opened the door and Tsuruko asked.

“Very well, I'll follow you to wherever I'm supposed to duel Tomoko,” Motoko replied, trying to sound emotionless, but failing.

“It will be behind the inn. You could have asked where earlier,” Tsuruko replied as she began to head to the back.

“I was busy meditating,” Motoko said, as a trace of... Hurt? Annoyance? Anger? Whatever it was, it entered Motoko's tone and it seemed that Tsuruko's actions were involved with with it somehow.

When the two sisters reached the backyard, they saw that Tomoko was there. Motoko narrowed her eyes at Tomoko, who was wearing gray sweatpants and a white tanktop.

When Motoko and Tsuruko gotten to where Tomoko was, Motoko quickly looked around. She saw that Su and the others were high up on the balcony, overlooking the three Aoyamas. From left to right, Sarah and Kitsune were leaning against the railing, Shinobu was by Keitaro's side, Su was sitting on the railing, and Haruka seemed either bored or disinterested.

“Why are they there?” Motoko asked Tsuruko.

“Su wanted them there and wouldn't take no for an answer,” Tsuruko answered. She barely noticed that Haruka kept glancing over at Keitaro every once in awhile when she thought no one was looking at her.

Motoko nodded before looking over at Tomoko and saying, “I accept your terms.”

“Very well,” Tomoko replied with a slight smile. Tsuruko was confused at what the two were talking about.

“What are you two talking about?” Tsuruko asked.

“Since I was the one going to be fighting her without my consent at first, I offered an alternate set of terms. The only difference was that if she loses, she becomes Mr. Urashima's retainer,” Tomoko answered with a smirk. Tsuruko frowned and looked over at Motoko.

“And you really decided to accept it?” Tsuruko asked.

Motoko nodded before saying, “Now leave the area, sister. I have a duel to win.”

Tsuruko walked some distance away. She then watched both Tomoko and Motoko pull out bokken. Once both were ready, Tsuruko yelled, “Begin!”

Motoko came in with an overhead strike, but Tomoko blocked it.

“Why are you wearing that, instead of a hakama?” Motoko asked in an annoyed tone.

“Because the color gray bothers you. I have a good idea why, too...” Tomoko replied, as she and Motoko backed away from each other.

“While you're right that I dislike the color, I doubt that you can even guess why...” Motoko muttered before frowning and coming in with a strike aimed at Tomoko's side.

“It's neither white nor black, but is both and that reminds you of things that are neither right nor wrong, but are a mix of both,” Tomoko replied as she blocked the attack.

“Maybe you're right, maybe I just don't like the color. Su doesn't like it either, and neither does my sister. I doubt your explanation applies to them,” Motoko quickly said, as she hopped back before coming in with a thrust. To her annoyance, Tomoko parried it.

“Struck a nerve, have I?” Tomoko asked, as Motoko hopped back again.

“You think you know better. All you are is someone that deludes yourself into a fantasy where you're helping others, but in reality, you're merely causing more problems! You insert yourself in places where you're not needed! When someone else said something, you decided to get angry with me, instead of them!” Motoko said, hoping to goad Tomoko into exposing herself through anger. “You are nothing more than a annoyance that needs to grow up.”

“Apparently, I am...” Tomoko said with a sly smile. Motoko growled a little, seeing her taunt had no effect.

After a few seconds of nothing happening, Motoko asked “Aren't you going to attack?”

“I feel like being generous, so I'll only start attacking once you gotten a hit in,” Tomoko answered with a smug grin. Motoko growled again.

“You dare to mock me like that!?” Motoko loudly said, as she launched the Zanganken Ni-no-Tachi on a boulder behind Tomoko. She hoped that Tomoko would be momentarily distracted by the sound of something breaking behind her. Even though a boulder was broken in two, Tomoko's attention was still on Motoko.

“Losing sight of your target already?” Tomoko asked in a mocking tone.

“I could ask you the same thing. We're supposed to be dueling each other, but all you are doing is taunting me!” Motoko angrily answered as she launched a Hyakka Ryōran. A wave of Ki and petals flew towards Tomoko, who avoided it by simply leaping off to the side.

“And yet I'm winning...” Tomoko muttered as she dodged a second Hyakka Ryōran.

“I should have hit you at least once! Somehow Urashima sabotaged my training by simply being nearby! He deserves to die a painful death!” Motoko growled as she was about to launce another Hyakka Ryōran when she felt a wave of killing intent coming from Tomoko.

Tomoko looked down as her hands trembled a little. She began to take deep breaths as her grip on the bokken increased. Motoko briefly thought about how her last statement angered Tomoko before realizing that Tomoko's defense was open. She quickly launched a third Hyakka Ryōran, hoping that she might knock out Tomoko Alas, Tomoko launched one of her own to counter it. However, Tomoko's Hyakka Ryōran destroyed Motoko's and Motoko was barely able to dodge.

“Tomoko, calm down!” Tsuruko ordered as she placed a hand on her own bokken, ready to attack if Tomoko tried to kill Motoko.

The killing intent quickly receded as Tomoko looked up. An evil smile baring her teeth was on Tomoko's face. Her eyes were blank and seemed to glow, as if seeking out any and all weaknesses in front of her.

“Don't worry, I won't kill her. I'm only going to punish her...” Tomoko said, before giving off a dark chuckle that sent shivers down Motoko's spine.

Up on balcony, The group was watching and mostly hoping that Motoko would win. Keitaro immediately felt a familiar sixth sense shiver down his spine. It was the one that he usually felt when Motoko forced him to fight her and when she sometimes struck out randomly when Tama spooked her. Looking a bit more carefully at the match, he noticed that Motoko was looking apprehensive at Tomoko's state.

'Tomoko looks like she wants to tear Motoko apart!' Keitaro thought with worry. “Tomoko! Calm down!”

It seemed to fall on deaf ears as Tomoko quickly launched two Hyakka Ryōrans at Motoko, creating two trenches at the sides of the younger Aoyama, who now seemed very aware that she unknowingly said something she shouldn't have and was a bit paralyzed from the killing intent from earlier.

Not wanting to see Motoko get thrashed by Tomoko, Shinobu and Su yelled“Move it, Motoko!”

That somehow got Motoko to move away just in time to avoid an Jakuzankūsen that was intended to throw Motoko into a tree.

“Tomoko, I said calm down!” Keitaro yelled.

Tomoko seemed to hear him that time. Her glowing eyes seemed to start darkening back to normal.

Unfortunately, Motoko decided that was was a good time to attack. She sent off Raimeiken. Tomoko detected it at the last second and barely managed to dodge it.

Tomoko glanced down at her clothes. The sweat shirt had some burnt marks. Deciding that there was no point in saving the sweatshirt, she grabbed the front of it and ripped the garment off herself. She was now wearing a white shirt.

“I liked that sweatshirt. Do you know how hard it is to find one that is both comfortable and doesn't get too warm or hot?” Tomoko asked, as she glared at Motoko.

“Then you shouldn't have worn it to our duel,” Motoko answered, hoping to anger Tomoko enough to get an opening, but not enough to cause the Killing intent again.

“True, I can't disagree with you there...” Tomoko replied with a slight nod, her glare lessening a little.”As much as I want to punish you, I think I'll go easy on you because of Mr. Urashima.”

“Why?” Motoko asked, as she continued to wait for an opening.

“He wants you to win,” Tomoko replied with a hard-to-read face.

That got Motoko conflicted. On one hand, she did not want Tomoko to hold back on her because of Keitaro. On the other hand, her freedom was at stake.

“What makes you say th-at?!” Motoko asked, barely blocking an overhead strike from Tomoko at the last second. Tomoko continued to try to hit Motoko from overhead and from the sides, but Motoko was barely able to block them.

“He thinks you're his friend. I think you are nothing more than an angry girl, pretending to be a samurai to escape two things,” Tomoko said, as she continued to attack, each strike being blocked. Eventually, Motoko started to back away as she started to have less and less time to block.

-oOo-

“Dunno what they're saying, but I think Tomoko is playing around with Motoko....” Sarah muttered as she leaned against the railing.

“Yeah, I agree.... I've watched enough action movies to kind of know...” Kitsune muttered.

Keitaro, Shinobu, and Su were worried about Motoko.

Haruka kept thinking, 'Dammit, I didn't screw up with Keitaro. I just got to give him time to calm down.'

-oOo-

Motoko's eyes briefly widened before narrowing in anger,

“And what might they be?” Motoko spat. Tomoko smirked.

“One – You're afraid of being abandoned. Two – You have a crush on a certain landlord,” Tomoko replied.

Motoko froze for a moment. On a whim, Tomoko attacked with a slow strike to Motoko's left side. The younger Aoyama shook herself out of her shock before blocking the slow strike. She stepped back, but slipped on a pebble from the boulder that was destroyed earlier and landed on her rear.

Before she could even get up, Tomoko put the tip of her bokken under Motoko's chin and said, “Will you surrender?”
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I hate writing fighting scenes. It's why my A!MG 'jealousy makes 'em fall' fic was on hiatus for over a year.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
HotelKatz said:
I hate writing fighting scenes. It's why my A!MG 'jealousy makes 'em fall' fic was on hiatus for over a year.
Heh... never even knew of that one... though looking through your profile, I had heard or come across a couple of those in passing.

But the only one actually tracking of yours I know of is this one.

As for the chapter, I did not really read for errors, but a few stood out:

No, he's a coward, yet also a gentlemen.
This is not overly fair an assessment... But it is one I can see appealing to Motoko so can understand Tomoko using it. Most standard males would fear for their lives around as many powerful females as he has around, especially with the amount of manipulation he gets from them, from granny to Motoko Naru and Tsuruko in canon, to Tomoko here...

“I don't want to leave here, I don't want to be Urashima's retainer, but I also don't want to face whatever Tsuruko has cooked up for me if I were to head back to Kyoto...' Motoko thought as she walked over to a wall and sat down besides the window. 'Might as well decide what loss is preferable...'
You need to correct for the fact it starts as a statement but ends in a thought. Is this supposed to be spoken out loud?

“I'll try, but are you going to ask them same to Motoko?”
'them' s/b 'the'

The only question is will it be at your before the match...
'your' s/b 'you'

f I had more time
'f' s/b 'If'

When Motoko and Tsuruko gotten to here Tomoko was
'here' s/b 'where'

She barely noticed that Haruka kept glancing over at Keitaro every once in awhile when she thought no one was looking at her.
Hmmm.... perhaps a conversation between those two occurred over this after the one between Tomoko and Keitaro.

“Very well,”
Would have liked to know Keitaros reaction to that reply.

“Dunno what they're saying, but I think Tomoko is playing around with Motoko....”
Ah... if they cannot hear, then that explains the lack of reaction being written. But does raise the point of questioning how he knew Tomoko was angry.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I'll make the corrections in a day or two and I thank you for suggesting adding a part where Tsuruko and Haruka talk, PCHeintz72.

As why Keitaro would somehow be able to tell Tomoko being angry, Bit of a sixth sense from all the times the Hinata girls gotten mad and hit him. So I should expand on the scene by putting a part where he's confused at there being a slight sense of danger, but the danger is not directed at him.

As for that A!mg fic, I'm still writing the fighting scene for it. I have a topic here for it that I need to update, So I'll go do that.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
HotelKatz said:
As for that A!mg fic, I'm still writing the fighting scene for it. I have a topic here for it that I need to update, So I'll go do that.
As a FYI on the OMG story... one thing really standing out is either you have changed the name of Elsee to Elise and back to Elsee, or their are two very similar goddesses visiting Skuld and being investigated by Urd. Noticed a few other minor items, but nothing major.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Oh... Thanks for pointing that out, PCHeintz72. I'll make the corrections to that fic later on this week.

Here is the parts where Tomoko and Keitaro talk to each other. Then it's the part where Haruka and Tsuruko talk for a little bit.

Any suggestions will be welcome.


After everyone else went to bed, Tomoko knocked at Keitaro's door.

“Mr. Urashima, I need to speak with you,” Tomoko said in a hushed voice as she knocked.

“What is it?” Keitaro answered. His tone let her know that he had been moments away from falling asleep.

“It's about some of the terms of the match between Motoko and myself. I wish to come into your room if I'm allowed,” Tomoko replied.

Keitaro sighed for a moment before muttering, “Fine,come in...”

Tomoko did so.

“I felt that Tsuruko's terms were too harsh, so I offered Motoko an alternate one. She's still deciding if she should accept it or not.” Tomoko explained. “As for what my terms are... If she wins, the term is the same as Tsuruko's. If she loses, she becomes your retainer until I say otherwise.”

“You didn't even consult me when you asked her about it!” Keitaro grumbled.

“Mr. Urashima, I apologize, but you should understand my reasoning, As you know, Motoko is the Heir to the Shinmei-Ryu compound. To the Aoyama elders, you are pretty much the heir to the Hinata grounds. If Tsuruko brought Motoko back, Motoko could wind up having her name taken off the clan roster and banished from her home. At least with what I did, All that would happen is that Motoko is your servant in name only and everything goes on like nothing happened,” Tomoko explained. Keitaro covered his face with a hand.

“Motoko's gonna kill me if she accepts your offer and loses....” Keitaro muttered. He put his hand down and asked, “So in the event that she accepts your offer and loses, does it mean that you'll free her after a few days?”

Tomoko shook her head.

“There are some on the Aoyama council that would use it to try and remove Motoko from being the heir. Ask Granny Hina about Kameyo Aoyama sometime. That'll probably be one of the few times you'll hear Hina rant about something in an angry manner. As for how long, Maybe a year or two,” Tomoko answered.

“Does Motoko know about when you plan on releasing her?” Keitaro asked, starting to get very annoyed, both at Tomoko's actions and because he wanted to go to sleep.

“I'll tell her during the match if she accepts my terms,” Tomoko answered.

“Make sure you do,” Keitaro replied.

“Good night, Mr. Urashima,” Tomoko said as she left.

“Good night,” Keitaro muttered.

-oOo-

While closing up for the night, Haruka was looking over the kitchen inventory when she heard a knock. Hoping it was Keitaro, Haruka stepped out of the kitchen and was disappointed that it was Haruka.

“May I come in?” Tsuruko asked.

“We're closed,” Haruka answered as she reached for the curtain to cover the door's window.

“I need to vent a bit at how I made a mess with my younger sister,” Tsuruko answered, making Haruka pause.

Haruka sighed before unlocking the door and saying, “I'm not doing so hot with Keitaro... Might as well vent to each other...”

Tsuruko stepped in and Haruka lead her to the counter.

“Don't expect anything special, I'm just going to brew up a small pot of tea,” Haruka said as she began to do as she said.

“Very well,” Tsuruko replied. “who shall 'vent' first?”

“I'll let you go first,” Haruka said, seemingly concentrating more on the teapot.

“I think that I either haven't done enough to help curb my sister's temper or have gone about it the wrong way,” Tsuruko muttered.

“How so?” Haruka asked.

“She threatened her landlord when he tripped and fell on her because the floor broke under him,” Tsuruko answered.

“What happened next?” Haruka asked, just as the teapot whistled.

“I.... forced a duel on my sister. She had a choice of either fighting me or our cousin,” Tsuruko answered. She wasn't sure if Haruka knew of Tomoko's secret, but she wasn't going to reveal it if she didn't.

“First time you've met with your sister in a long time and you force a duel on her within seconds... Yeesh...” Haruka muttered as she poured some tea out for herself and Tsuruko.

“It happened after we spent some time out shopping, Haruka,” Tsuruko said with a glare. “Now what about your problem with Keitaro?”

“He came to me, asking if it was right to let the girls hit him. Then he asked me to imagine something..... I don't feel like talking about the rest,” Haruka explained, before drinking some of her tea.

“While I wish that you would, I won't pry,” Tsuruko commented, before taking a sip of tea. “It seems like we both neglected our relatives and are now paying the price...”

“Eh, I say just give it time and things will get back to normal,” Haruka replied.

“Maybe, maybe not. While I don't doubt that time heals all, simply ignoring the problem will only make thigns worse. Do you have any plans for when Keitaro is calmed down?” Tsuruko asked.

“I'll think of something when the time comes. What about you?” Haruka asked back. Tsuruko shook her head a little bit.

“Try to reconnect with Motoko, let her know that I'm not abandoning her,” Tsuruko answered.

“Doesn't sound like much of a plan, if you ask me...” Haruka muttered under her breath. Tsuruko narrowed her eyes a bit in anger.

“Perhaps, but at least it is one,” Tsuruko said, after finishing her tea.

“Who asked you? Besides, what would you do in my place?” Haruka angrily asked as she hit the counter.

“Let the tenants know that I'm supporting his decisions?” Tsuruko asked back.

“Big talk from someone that let her sister run away...” Haruka muttered, thinking she had the upper hand.

“Granny Hina had a hand in that. She claimed that she knew a way to help Motoko. Had I known that it involved letting Motoko attack Keitaro, I never would have gone along with the plan,” Tsuruko replied.

“So what? Are you going to take your sister away from here?” Haruka asked, resisting the urge to try and throw Tsuruko out. Haruka didn't want to risk ruining her teashop from any possible fights.

“If Motoko loses the duel in a few days, perhaps.” Tsuruko commented.

“And you're acting like I'm the irresponsible one...” Haruka said, as she took the empty tea cups away. “Anyways, I'm getting tired. So unless you have something really important to talk about, I'm closing up for the night.”

“So, I'm going to bed. Good night,” Tsuruko said before she left.

As Haruka tried to sleep that night, she wondered if she screwed up big time with Keitaro.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
simply ignoring the problem will only make thigns worse
'thigns' s/b 'things'


Not sure how I feel on the Haruka/Tsuruko conversation. I cannot remember offhand... Do they actually know each other in this story? If not, surprised she let her in at all...
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
Chances are Haruka knows who Tsuruko is, simply out of the chance that Haruka might need to call a relative of Motoko if any emergency happens that would need HAruka calling in one of Motoko's relatives.

I'm not certain if I should go beyond that for the two.

If The Tsuruko and Haruka conversation seems too off or not right, I can re-write it or replace Tsuruko with Moriko, the storeowner from an earlier chapter of my fic.

The feeling of the conversation between Tsuruko and Haruka that I was aiming for was 'They both screwed up with their relatives, but are trying different things to handle it.' But now that I typed that I realize that there's a big difference between the two.

Tsuruko has been told of Tomoko's past and Haruka hasn't. So my attempt at getting that feeling was a failed one. I don't intend on having Haruka learn it anytime soon because of four reasons.

1.) Haruka would somehow see it as Naru betraying her on several levels. I think Haruka kinda sees Naru as something like herself when she was younger.
2.) Too many people know already at the moment.
3.) I'd rather have it done where it fits the plot.
4.)At the moment, if I were to write Haruka learning it, she'd focus on being angry at Naru and ignore her own actions towards Keitaro.

So should I re-write the scene and replace Tsuruko with Moriko?

Since Haruka will be somewhat in the state of Denial, I have to figure out how to write Moriko, but that shouldn't be too hard. Since she's a Tron Bonne expy, her main traits would be hot-headed, observant, and somewhat-motherly.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
I'm not really against using Haruka per se, but if they truly do not know each other, then the problem I have is a simple one... why would the vent to an unknown about internal family matters? This would be like you or myself deciding that to vent over being fustrated with a sibling, we go to the corner drug store or gas station or restaurant and vent to the person on duty... I suppose if Tsuruko viewed a tea shop owner like we do a bartender we have a sort of traditional cliché going, but not otherwise.

As for Haruka not knowingof Tomoko... While I am actually for her not knowing... your reasons do not really fit to my way of thinking:

1.) Haruka would somehow see it as Naru betraying her on several levels.
Not sure why specifically Naru. In point of fact, if Haruka was as upset on her lack of support for Keitaro, and has issues imagining what he asked her to, I would imagine her far more angry at her for what she has been doing to family than her being angry over not telling of Tomoko

2.) Too many people know already at the moment
This already IMHO has been surpassed, but remember being overridden about it back when I brought it up.

. 4.)At the moment, if I were to write Haruka learning it, she'd focus on being angry at Naru and ignore her own actions towards Keitaro.
I again have to ask why the focus on Naru over say Kitsune or one of the others?
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I now realize that it's been too long since I've read the manga.I'm losing track of the character's personalities, so I'm going to re-read the manga before making a
 
because she was the one to kill kei and the one for whom everyone else backed off or ignored her behavior and thus 'broke their trust'...
in other words a convenient excuse to focus all the anger and fault on her while ignoring the fact that they were at fault too.

it should come like:
We screwed up one time too many and Kei paid the price of all our mistakes (including his own)

but to make themselves 'inocent' they try to change it in their minds to:

Naru killed Kei even after we gave him to her so she is at fault.
 

PCHeintz72

The Sentient Fanfic Search Engine mk II
shioran toushin said:
because she was the one to kill kei and the one for whom everyone else backed off or ignored her behavior and thus 'broke their trust'...
in other words a convenient excuse to focus all the anger and fault on her while ignoring the fact that they were at fault too.

it should come like:
We screwed up one time too many and Kei paid the price of all our mistakes (including his own)

but to make themselves 'inocent' they try to change it in their minds to:

Naru killed Kei even after we gave him to her so she is at fault.
Huh... that does not fit here. Nor what I was saying.

You have to keep in mind Haruka, this Haruka, does not know that, and Keitaro could not have told her that as he does not know that.

No... What I was referring to was the earlier altercation and point Tomoko tried making with Keitaro to get him to understand why she was so mad, and he later told Haruka. In regards to imagining Naru hitting him, but the genders being different.

Here is a quote (from FF.NET chapter 6):

"Then consider this, Mr. Urashima, envision in your mind the same situation that you went through since you came to the Hinata, but reverse the genders. Just imagine Naru and the other tenants as males and you as a female, but every event that happened wound up being the same," Tomoko said, in a slightly solemn tone.

He wanted to argue, but there was something in Tomoko's tone that made Keitaro decide to do as she asked. Keitaro closed his eyes and tried to do as Tomoko asked. Tomoko watched as Keitaro shivered and shook, as the growing look of disgust appeared on his face, as little signs that he was getting ready to vomit from the mental images that he was having. After a little bit, Tomoko grabbed his shoulders and shook him a little bit.

.
.
.

"Because it got the message through to you than anything else," Tomoko answered, in a more solemn tone than before.

"And that message is... what? That I should avoid Naru and the other tenants?" Keitaro asked, in a tone that had some anger in it.

"No... The message that abuse is abuse, no matter the gender. The only way I could get that through to you is with that hypothetical situation because of your protective nature," Tomoko replied.
EDIT1: Here is the snippet where he is telling Haruka about that and how she responds to him, which she later regrets:

So Keitaro told her when Tomoko asked him to mentally switch around the genders. On a whim, Haruka decided to close her eyes and try it out for herself.

Keitaro watched as Haruka bit her cigarette in half.

"Bothers you too, doesn't it?" Keitaro asked when Haruka opened her eyes and seemed to be trying to burn a hole in the table with her eyes.

"You... you can take the stuff they throw at you without it all bothering you too bad, right? You're a man, after all.." Haruka asked. She realized that she had asked the wrong thing when Keitaro looked shocked and a bit disgusted at her. When he started to get up to leave, she quickly said, "Keitaro, wait!"

EDIT2: BTW HotelKatz..... Tsuruko did know Haruka in this story previously... it came out in a discussion and was mentioned by Tsuruko that she was disappointed in Haruka... in chapter 11.
 
ah that part... yes Haruka blew it.

and i accept that i misunderstood you because of this:
Tsuruko has been told of Tomoko's past and Haruka hasn't. So my attempt at getting that feeling was a failed one. I don't intend on having Haruka learn it anytime soon because of four reasons.

1.) Haruka would somehow see it as Naru betraying her on several levels. I think Haruka kinda sees Naru as something like herself when she was younger.
2.) Too many people know already at the moment.
3.) I'd rather have it done where it fits the plot.
4.)At the moment, if I were to write Haruka learning it, she'd focus on being angry at Naru and ignore her own actions towards Keitaro.
because if Haruka learned about Tomoko's past then she would know that Naru (and everyone else) killed Keitaro and would focus on that instead of her own screw ups for action and inaction.
 

HotelKatz

Well-Known Member
I now realize that I should both re-read my own story and the manga before I continue on. I'm forgetting important details and I feel like I'm losing track of each character's personality. So I thank you for pointing out that I had Tsuruko know of Haruka in the story previously, PCHeintz72.

As for why Haruka focusing on Naru, I figure Haruka sees Naru something like a younger version of herself, so Haruka would both give Naru a bit more leeway and hold her up to a higher standard. So learning that Naru would result in Keitaro's death would result in Haruka focusing more on how Naru screwed up, instead of she herself screwed up. Kind of like how the hinata girls focus on Keitaro's faults in any given situation, instead of their own, even if it was the girls' own fault for something bad happening.
 
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