Bleach Peer Review Omake Thread

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

I expect that Halibel will probably try to set him up with her Fraccion. Anyone want to give writing that a shot? ^__^

Szayel to Exequias(Rudobn):

Hmmm... While that would be nice, Rudobn, I'm afraid that the only captain-level Shinigami I'm interested in studying is also not allowed to be kept in Los Noches due to Aizen-sama's orders. Well... Maybe not the only one...

See what we can get.

Kurosaki Ichigo to Halibel:

... Right. Going. *garganta!*

Hanatarou to Soifon and Kotetsu Isane:

Now, are you two willing to make up?

Soifon to Hanatarou:

Quite willing, Hana-chan. You see, I have given it some thought, and I have had an epiphany.

Hanatarou to Soifon:

Yes?

Soifon to Hanatarou:

I shouldn't be so stingy with love. If I must share you with the slut nurse, then I must share you with the slut nurse. But it'll be on MY terms. Come here, slut!

Kotetsu Isane to Soifon:

Wait, wha-MMPH?! MMPH! MMmmmmmmmm~...

Hanatarou to self:

Oh... W-Wow...

 

[wingthesword]

Garganta opens and Ichigo's head pops out

Kurosaki Ichigo to Halibel

Aww c'mon I need a break. Look how about we fight that way there are no misunderstanding if they come?

Halibel to Kurosaki Ichigo

If I fight you and win will you go away?

Kurosaki Ichigo to Halibel

Yeah, sure, if you win.

One intense clothes ripping battle later!

Halibel to Kurosaki Ichigo

Yeah becuase there is no way they could misunderstand you laying on top of me while we're both topless

Kurosaki Ichigo to Halibel

The bright side is your breast make really comfy pillows and at least won't take advantage of me...right?

Halibel to Kurosaki Ichigo

...

Kurosaki Ichigo to Halibel

Right!?

 

[warai_kitsune]

Neliel to Retsu Unohana

Funny story...apparently, Ichigo decided to go and try to destroy Los Nochas all on his own a few minutes ago.? He barely managed to escape, and he was rather seriously wounded when he returned to us (though his body was covered with open-handed slap marks...I'm not entirely sure why.? Maybe there's some sort of sumo arrancar that we don't know about).

Anyway, you're probably the most competent healer that I know of.? You're also one of the only ones who I'm willing to trust with a helpless Kurosaki...well, the younger one anyway (though what you do with the elder is entirely your business).? I know that Orihime could patch him up, but I'm not entirely sure I trust that greedy little bitch with him; who knows what she'll try to do.? Anyway, would it be alright if I sent him to the Fourth Division?

Oh, and please keep Rukia and Momo away from him, could you?? If for no other reason that it will extend his convalescence.

Unohana to Neliel

While I appreciate your confidence in my abilities, I'm afraid there's no way that I could in good conscience allow Kurosaki back into Seireitei at this time.? Rukia and Momo not withstanding, I'd also have to deal with a number of other female soul reapers (most of which don't have my self-control), most of the 11th division (though whether they'd pick the fight themselves or just drag him off to appease Zaraki is debatable), the 12th division (he's the only vaizard guinea pig they're likely to ever see), and of course, Kuchiki-taicho (once he hears about what Kurosaki-kun has been up to with his sister anyway).

However, it occurs to me that it's been literally centuries since I last had a proper vacation.? And as you reminded me, it's been quite a while since I last had a chance to visit Isshin.? Why, there's even a hospital right there for me to oversee his convalescence.? So while transferring Kurosaki-kun to the Fourth is out of the question, I will be happy to see to his injuries.

Yumichika to all 11th Division Members.

It has been brought to my attention that we are going to be without Unohana-taicho's presence for a time.? And you will all no doubt here of this sooner or later.? And of course, many of you will see this as an opportunity to misbehave, now that she isn't here to chastise you.

I'd like to remind you all, whatever you do, SHE WILL BE COMING BACK.? And when she returns, she's going to KNOW...exactly what you did.? She's going to know exactly who did it.? And if you aren't careful, she's going to have to come back early, interrupting her vacation to deal with it...and she's going to have plenty of time to get...inventive about making her displeasure clear.

So for everyone's sake...behave yourselves.

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Kurosaki Ichigo to self:

Ugh... Okay... I'm alive... That's a good start. I'm laying on an exam table... Smells like home... And there's a very soft pair of hands massaging my chest.

... If it's Nel, Rukia, Momo or Orihime when I open my eyes I am going to be very unhappy.

Unohana Retsu to Kurosaki Ichigo:

Oh, you're awake. That's good! Let's see... Yes, looks like you'll heal up quite nicely.

Kurosaki Ichigo to Unohana Retsu:

Eh?! Captain Unohana?!

Unohana Retsu to Kurosaki Ichigo:

Don't worry, your harem is calming down elsewhere. I'll be on hand to make sure things don't get out of control again. Sex will only increase the amount of time of your recovery.

Kurosaki Ichigo to Unohana Retsu:

... And you're wearing the skimpy nurse's outfit because...?

Unohana Retsu to Kurosaki Ichigo:

Oh, well... Isshin had it lying around, and he thought I'd look great in it! What do you think?

Kurosaki Ichigo to Unohana Retsu:

Um... It's not helping my recovery any...

Hinamori Momo to Nel, Rukia, and Orihime:

All right, we're going to be fair about this. We will help Ichigo-sama recover quickly, and that means NO SEX! None! Zero, bitches! Especially you Rukia! You're the one who exhausted him the fastest!

Rukia to Momo:

Goddamnit, do you have any idea what I've gone through?! Being around so many attractive, powerful men, day in, day out, and my fucking brother intimidates them all away?! And now finally, FINALLY I meet one who pushes all my buttons, who is a knight in shining armor, and can bang me into oblivion, and I CAN'T SCRATCH MY ITCH?!

Orihime to Bitches Stealing my Man:

At least you three got him! It's not fucking fair! He's MINE, bitches!

Momo to Orihime:

Orihime, we can either get into another massive brawl, or we can cooperate, share and get what we ALL want. C'mon, be reasonable!

Halibel to Chad:

Hello Sado-chan. I hope you don't mind but I brought my Fraccion over to visit. You don't mind, do you?

 

[warai_kitsune]

Urahara Kisuke to 4th Div. 7th Seat Yamada Hanatarou:

Observe, Yamada-san! BANKAI!

4th Div. 7th Seat Yamada Hanatarou to Urahara Kisuke:

...

Sarugaki Hiyori to Kisuke Urahara

What the hell?!á Since when is your bankai a magical girl transformatin?á You told me it was some kind of energy-devouring kido type, like a vampire or something!

Kyoraku Shunsui to Sarugaki Hiyori

Really?á That's odd; when he was taking the captain's examination, his bankai was some sort of floating shield thingy; well, a bunch of floating shield thingies.á He could use them to cut things apart, I remember.

Aizen to Hiyori and Shunsui

What on earth are you two talking about?á According to my research, Benihime's bankai releases a cloud of blood-mist, infecting any within its reach, causing them to broadcast their movements and intentions to him, as well as slowing down both their thought processes and movements.

Yoruichi to all

...I can't decide what's worse, the fact that you REALLY thought Kisuke's bankai made him into a magic girl, or the fact it took all of you this long to question it.

Hiyori to that damned cat

WHAT?!? I saw that picture; you said so yourself that when he first got his bankai he was bad on high-heels!

"Damned Cat" to monkey-girl

Kisuke is many things.? He is also NOT many things; able to handle his liquor, and a decent gambler when drunk for example.? The first time he put on that outfit, he lost a bet when I dragged him off drinking to celebrate achieving bankai.

Stupid monkey...

Aizen to Kisuke

...Interesting.? Either you have SEVERAL bankai, which is quite obviously impossible, a mind-affecting bankai powerful enough to trick everyone who sees it into believing it's something else (and Kyoka Suigetsu does not appreciate the cheap copy-cat behavior, let me just say)...or you have somehow managed to trick EVERYONE into believing that you have a bankai...when you in fact have none.

I would be...VERY intrigued to find out the truth.

Kisuke to everyone

:snigger:

 

[Jamil Nate]

Chad to Halibel and her fraccion

...

Apache to Halibel

Oooh. Your son is the strong and silent type, I see. What do you say if you and I went somewhere together to get to know each other better, building a bridge of understanding between humans and arrancars and all that rot?

Mira Rose to Apache

Hey, wait a second! Why would Halibel-sama's precious child choose you, you flat-chested violent tomboy!? It is obvious we make a much better couple since I'm almost as tall as him and I have the better body to boot!

Apache to Mira Rose

WHAT!?! How dare you!? You wanna fight, you big-breasted bimbo!?!

Sun Sun to Chad

My, how uncivilised of them... So, Yasutora-san, wanna fill the hole in my soul?

Apache and Mira Rose to Sun Sun

SUN SUN! YOU BITCH! YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!!!

Halibel to Chad

Aw... Aren't they adorable... They're already fighting for your attention.

Arisawa Tatsuki to Anybody listening

HELLO? I'm still here! Would somebody please dispel that !?%ú$# bondage spell and let me out of Ichigo's closet!?

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Kurosaki Isshin to Arisawa Tatsuki:

Oops! Sorry about that Tatsuki! I hope you are no worse for wear?

Captain-General Yamamoto to Captain Zaraki:

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you, but I'm afraid I cannot permit a solo mission into Hueco Mundo at this time-Even with you being said solo mission.

 

[Gullwhacker]

Don Kan'oji to Everyone

BWAHAHA!? SPIRITS ARE ALWAYS WITH YOU!

Kon to Urahara

Um.? Hypothetically, if someone unwisely taught someone else how to use Hell Butterflies, inadvertently creating a spammer, would you grant them sanctuary?

 

[Nanya]

Urahara to Kon:

That depends...

Kon to Urahara:

I'll do anything!

Tatsuki to Isshin:

No...á No problem at all...á Just hearing Orihime wants to get lucky from your son...

Isshin to Tatsuki:

Ah!á I know!á Isn't she just the most precious?

Karin to idiot father:

Hey, dad, your girlfriend's healing Ichi-nii and his girlfriends are doing...á SOMETHING right now...

Isshin to Karin:

Are they fighting again?

Karin to idiot father:

Well...á I don't know.á They were putting their hands all over each other...

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Hinamori to Nel and Orihime:

HOLD HER DOWN! Sheesh, how could a prim, proper girl like this be such a freak?!

Nel to Hinamori:

You know what they say, it's always the quiet ones... And you! Don't act so innocent, you were screaming the loudest of us all for Ichigo to "fuck your brains out" and "make me your bitch!"

Hinamori to Nel:

TH-THAT'S DIFFERENT!

Chad to Halibel:

Mother, while I am... Flattered that you have three women who would like to, um, date me, I have taken a vow of celibacy until marriage.

Halibel to Chad:

Oh, I know Chad, and I'm so proud of you for valuing your body like that. That just means that they'll have to win your heart, and become your wives, isn't that right girls?

Chad to Halibel:

!!! Wh-Wh-What?! Wives?!

Halibel to Chad:

Come on, Chad, it's the 21st century. Besides, I want as many grandchildren as possible and three wives makes this more efficient. Unless you already have someone...?

Chad to Halibel:

Well no, not really, I've never been one for-

Ururu to Arrancar Bitches after My Man:

Make a move, bitches. My cannon will see it coming and fuck you up!

Hirako Shinji to Kurosaki Ichigo:

Hey Ichigo! Me an the other Vaizard came in to check up on you. You haven't been around much lately, and we were a bit worried.

Kurosaki Ichigo to Hirako Shinji:

Hiyori tried to cook again, didn't she?

Hirako Shinji to Kurosaki Ichigo:

Yep.

Sarugaki Hiyori to Hirako Shinji:

SHUT UP YOU BASTARD! *SANDAL SMACK!*

 

[Jamil Nate]

Hirako Shinji to Kurosaki Ichigo

Ouch... Still, I think what's happening to you is grossly unfair. Seireitei is obviously trying to buy your help and loyalty with a harem of hot and kinky women. If it's old man Yamamoto's new policy with our kind... SIGN ME UP! So can you put in a good word for me? Come on... It's payback time for the training we gave you!

Sarugaki Hiyori to Hirako Shinji

DAMN YOU, YOU HENTAI!!! TAKE THIS! *SANDAL SMACK THE SEQUEL!* AND THIS! *BOOT TO DA HEAD!* DIE, YOU SEX FIEND! *BALLBUSTER CRASH!!!*

Hirako Shinji to Everyone around

Pain... Agony... Let me die, please...

Kurosaki Ichigo to Hirako Shinji

That was stupid... Okay, joke aside, I have no idea why I have so many girls interested in me.

Hirako Shinji to Kurosaki Ichigo

Beats me but it's still playing dirty, man! They know we can't give a better offer. We have three girls in our ranks and Lisa is the only sexy one.

Sarugaki Hiyori (Mask on) to Hirako Shinji

That's it. You die now.

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Aizen Sousuke to My Dear Espada:

It has come to my attention that a certain item in the recreational room has vanished. Now, the occasional prank is a welcome distraction from the humdrum of our daily duties, but I must insist that the item in question be returned.

Yes, I am talking about the remote control. I will make a deal with you: The first one to return or find the remote before it is time for Movie Night, will receive a promotion. That is all.

Hirako Shinji to Sarugaki Hiyori:

Have mercy-ARGGGHHH!

Kurosaki Ichigo to Hirako Shinji:

Sucks to be you.

Inoue Orihime to Kurosaki Ichigo:

Kurosaki-kun, don't worry! I'll help you heal up right away, and then we can have some fun. Look, I brought handcuffs! Aren't they adorable?

Kurosaki Ichigo to Inoue Orihime:

Uh, that's... Great Orihime, but uh, I think I just need some rest. Not that I don't want to do anything with you, because I would have to be gay and dead not to, but because there are three other women after me and it's very... Very complicated...

Kurochtsuki Mayuri's Personal Log:

That damn little bitch, running off with that Quincy! Where the hell did they get to? Eh? What's this? A message?

Kurochtsuki Nemu to Father:

I felt it appropriate to inform you that I will be marrying the Quincy in a quiet ceremony, to continue your work with him. I believe our interactions and experimentation will greatly benefit your own research, and I am eager and willing to explore this to the fullest extent possible with the Quincy.

Sincerely,

Your Daughter Nemu

 

[warai_kitsune]

Akon to Kurotsuchi Fukutaicho

First, I'd like to congratulate you on...whatever it is that's going to go on between you and that Quincy boy (I don't mean to be rude, I just never caught his name properly).

However...look, whatever it is you're planning, would you mind delaying it?? PLEASE come back, and for the love of god, do something about Kurotsuchi-taicho?? Please?? I don't mind that he's a deranged mad scientist (heck, that's the reason I choose to work with him).? I don't mind the experiments, the bizarre body modifications, the creepy clown-face make-up.? Truth be told, I don't think anyone minds it.

But ever since he got you're message, he's been...different.? He...he's...

He's been WHISTLING!? And SMILING!? AND HUMMING CHEERFULLY!

Just yesterday, I accidentally blew up one of the labs, obliterating MONTHS of research and man-hours, and he just smiled, shrugged, patted me on the head, and said "These things happen."? And he didn't even try to infect me with some sort of mutant retrovirus or something when he patted me on the head; THAT I could have dealt with as normal.

Quite frankly, it's scaring the hell out of all of us here; I haven't slept properly in over a week, and it's gotten to the point where Hiyosu is wetting himself whenever Mayuri-dono talks to him.

Go ahead and marry the Quincy, we don't care, but MAKE TAICHO STOP!? PLLEEEAAAASSSSSSSEEE!

 

[grant]

Kurochtsuki Mayuri to Kurochtsuki (Ishida?) Nemu

This is wonderful news! Please remember that I expect a minimum of ten super-powered grandchildren,á 50% male and 50% female

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Kurotsuchi (soon to be Ishida) Fukutaicho to Akon:

I will see what I can do, but this is the best mood Father has ever been in, and it is difficult to wish to see him go back to his old ways. You are, of course, invited to the wedding...

Ishida Uryu to Kurosaki Ichigo:

Kurosaki, loathe as I am to ask it... I need a best man for my wedding this week. Are you up to the task?

Kurosaki Ichigo to Ishida Uryu:

When and where?

Ishida Uryu to Kurosaki Ichigo:

Well if you can't-Wait, what?!

Kurosaki Ichigo to Ishida Uryu:

Look, I just need to keep the ring safe and make sure you don't make a colossal ass out of yourself. The first is something I can do without any problems. The second is hard, since you're already an ass, but I'm up to the challenge.

Ishida Uryu to Kurosaki Ichigo:

Haha, cute Kurosaki, very cute. Though I think I ascertain the real reason you're so quick to volunteer. The problem is, this might only cause more problems for you.

Kurosaki Ichigo to Ishida Uryu:

Oh yeah? How?

Ishida Uryu to Kurosaki Ichigo:

Weddings tend to put women in a far more... Maternal frame of mind, if you catch my drift?

Kurosaki Ichigo to Ishida Uryu:

I hate you.

Kurochtsuki Nemu to Kusajishi Yachiru:

Madam President, I would be honored if you were to serve as my maid of honor at my wedding this Saturday. Your father is of course also invited, and if he needs additional incentive, Kurosaki Ichigo is serving as my groom's best man.

 

[warai_kitsune]

Bunny Empress to Doll-girl

HAI!? Thank you!? I'd love to come to the wedding.? Ken-chan says thank you too, but he isn't going to come, because he said that weddings are fucking boring.? He'll send a gift with me though, and he'll make sure to come to the reception to make Itchy fight him for real for once.

Akon to Kurotsuchi Fukutaicho

...

...

...

...I don't mean to seem insolent, so I apologize for questioning you, but...do you really think that your father being in a good mood is something to be happy about?

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Kurotsuchi-Ishida Fukutaicho to Akon:

Yes. Yes I do.

Aizen to My Dear Espada:

No one has found the remote yet? This is most unsatisfactory, my Espada. Either locate the remote for me or you all start training with Gin. Again.

And don't even think about simply buying a new one.

Grimmjaw to Ulquiorra:

Well well, how's it feel to realize your 'master plan' is now totally worthless, Clown boy?

Ulquiorra to Grimmjaw:

Shut up trash.

 

[Nanya]

Ururu to Jinta:

Come on!? I don't wanna lose Chad to some hybrid sluts.

Jinta to Ururu:

Um...? Can I get back to you on that?

Ururu to Jinta:

Why?

Jinta to Ururu:

Boss set me up on a date with Karin.

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Ururu to Jinta:

Always knew you were a sub at heart.

Jinta to Ururu:

Sh-Shut up!

 

[grant]

Karin to Jinta (via phone as well)

OI! Idiot! Me and Yuzu aren't going to wait here forev- wait, what's this weird butterfly doing around me!

Jinta to Ururu

Both of them! What do I do!

 

[Prince Charon]

Kurosaki Ichigo to Jinta

You will behave very politely while you are on your date with my sisters, and bring them back in the same condition they left in.? Understood?

 

[Preventer Squall]

Nnoitra to Retards

Will one of you shitheads just give him his remote already? He's already going to get Gin, and I ain't gonna let him see how many arms I can grow back at once...again!

 

[Reikson]

Grimmjow Jaggerjack to Nnoitra Jiruga

Remind me whose bright idea it was to hide the remote in the first place, hornhead?!?

 

[grant]

Zommari to all Espada

Wait, exactly who has the thing?

Stark to Zommari

Not me

Barragan to Zommari

I don't

Nnoitra to weak Aizen-fanboy idiot

Haven't seen it since we hid it

Grimmjow to Zommari

Don't ask me

Szayel to small minded fool

I already took it apart, studied it thoroughly, and then rigged it to blow when I die years ago, I don't have any reason to take it again.

Zommari to all Espada

Wait a minute, where's Ulquiorra and Halibel?

 

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Priest to Ishida Nemu and Ishida Uryu:

You may kiss the bride.

(Ten minutes later...)


Ichigo to Uryu:

Uh... Uryu? You can come up at any time now...

Orihime to Ichigo:

Wow... Uryu and Nemu can hold their breaths for a very long time! Hmmm...

Ulquiorra to Halibel:

I fail to see why you needed me to come along to this tras-er, your son's friend's wedding.

Halibel to Ulquiorra:

I needed a date, and the sad truth is you are the most eligible of all the Espada to ask for this sort of thing. Not that I have romantic inclinations towards you, but because you are the least likely to cause trouble.

Ulquiorra to Halibel:

I detest this. Weddings are trash... The cake is good though.